My stepdaughter's birthday is coming up. Last year, we tried very hard to make it clear to her that she would get gifts that showed we could give her as much as the other family, things she wanted, things that supported what who she tried to tell us she was or wanted to be.
It wasn't enough. What she really wants is her own room, to be left alone, and her own TV. We found that out later, when it was too late- and we wouldn't give her that until she was older, anyways. We own a townhouse and can't give her her own room until she's older, but then- Why? If she won't live with us more for shallow reasons and she tells everyone bad things about us that aren't true so that a court or psychologist think they shouldn't live with us anyways, why should we stress and spend more to get a 4 bedroom house in the hopes of her wanting to live with us?
There's this constant split between letting them know we can provide for them in the same way and just letting go of any hopes of an equal or better relationship in order to move on. But it always comes back to the same thing- We will not give up, because they are just children. They need us, even if they make the bad choices (and are being manipulated to do so).
Let me turn this to you for a second: If a child, who is not your own, said bad and maybe even horrible things about you to a court of law representatives and your extended family members for years, what would you be willing to give them for their birthday?
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Sunday, September 20, 2009
I'll slowly explain the title of my blog here and there. I decided to start with here.
My husband wants me to be a good, or maybe all the way to great, stepmom. . He's a supportive husband, a loving husband, and an understanding husband. He wasn't wrong to expect the most from me, because most of my life I've prided myself of going "above & beyond"- or at least trying really damn hard. I expected the same of myself- to be a good, or maybe great, stepmom.
But I'm increasingly thinking I need to back down from all the "trying" and come up with other things to do, like hiding in my room writing a blog, perhaps. Facebook games have an amazing appeal at this juncture. I've hit that point where maybe trying to be a good stepmom is causing backwards progress. Being present is more than likely hurting his relationship with the kids.
So I wish I were a great stepmom. I wish I could be all the things my husband knows I could be, or maybe was, capable of. But I'm falling short, and I don't know that there's a recovery other than changing myself or increasingly fading into the background.
My husband wants me to be a good, or maybe all the way to great, stepmom. . He's a supportive husband, a loving husband, and an understanding husband. He wasn't wrong to expect the most from me, because most of my life I've prided myself of going "above & beyond"- or at least trying really damn hard. I expected the same of myself- to be a good, or maybe great, stepmom.
But I'm increasingly thinking I need to back down from all the "trying" and come up with other things to do, like hiding in my room writing a blog, perhaps. Facebook games have an amazing appeal at this juncture. I've hit that point where maybe trying to be a good stepmom is causing backwards progress. Being present is more than likely hurting his relationship with the kids.
So I wish I were a great stepmom. I wish I could be all the things my husband knows I could be, or maybe was, capable of. But I'm falling short, and I don't know that there's a recovery other than changing myself or increasingly fading into the background.
Friday, September 18, 2009
The Beginning
I probably should have been blogging for years now. I was confined to MySpace, but with the FB & Twitter rages I guess it is time to move on.
There's a lot of new stepmom books out there all of a sudden. When I looked for books on Amazon about how to be a stepmom in 2006, there were about 5. Four looked dreadful and 1 was fun. I bought the one. Now there's, what one could call, a plethora. It's still not it's own section yet; definitely not. But now I have to read all the reviews, trying to decipher whether there will be something new in the new books. Will it help me? Will it frustrate me?
The fun book I read in 2006 cracked me up and made me feel determined. My new family pursuit would be possible and nothing could stop me. But the author did say that most of the scenarios and advice could apply to most stepmoms and their situations...Except for the one type of bio-mom that never backs down, full of hate or insane.
I laughed at the description at that time. Realized that that was my husband's ex. I called him up and read it to him, saying "shes says it's the worst kind!" Three years later, I can't believe I found humor in that. We should have been planning a war plan, even before our wedding.
There's a lot of new stepmom books out there all of a sudden. When I looked for books on Amazon about how to be a stepmom in 2006, there were about 5. Four looked dreadful and 1 was fun. I bought the one. Now there's, what one could call, a plethora. It's still not it's own section yet; definitely not. But now I have to read all the reviews, trying to decipher whether there will be something new in the new books. Will it help me? Will it frustrate me?
The fun book I read in 2006 cracked me up and made me feel determined. My new family pursuit would be possible and nothing could stop me. But the author did say that most of the scenarios and advice could apply to most stepmoms and their situations...Except for the one type of bio-mom that never backs down, full of hate or insane.
I laughed at the description at that time. Realized that that was my husband's ex. I called him up and read it to him, saying "shes says it's the worst kind!" Three years later, I can't believe I found humor in that. We should have been planning a war plan, even before our wedding.
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