Why I Seem to Suck

The Wannabe title is because being a stepmom is a hugely debated role. I spent a lot of time in college studying organizations and the concept of "Role Incongruity". Being unclear of your role causes a ton of damage to a company or other type of organization. Your boss and company are supposed to define your identity. If they don't clearly define your role, your position in the organization, your duties, your responsibilities- you suffer out of confusion or unclear directives. The company in turn suffers because their employees are unsure and overly cautious (usually) or just making mistakes, such as increasing their scope beyond their role or expertise.

The stepmom identity is a lot like this. It's defined by the husband and new wife, first and foremost. It shouldn't be defined by the ex-wife or the in-laws. But, the in-laws and former wife do everything in their power to shape the role and judge every single move the couple makes to define the new family and the new wife in a role that no one would ever agree on. (I've heard that sometimes biomoms work with stepmoms to help the kids and stepmom with the role, but this is such a foreign concept to me that I just can barely imagine...and I'm going to leave that aspect of heavenly humanity out of this post).

I do everything I can. I make mistakes, just like every parent. But for the most part, I actually spoil my stepchildren. I don't get to "deal with" making them a meal they don't like. I can't force them to do much of anything, despite logic, efforts, coercion, carrots, etc. The only backing I have is their dad. Without their dad backing me clearly and repeatedly, I am like some sort of invisible fun director to them. I take them to places, plan loads of awesome trips, buy them the stuff they need and even want, and I buy them treats to keep them happy for a short period of time. This is promptly forgotten, because it's apparently what wicked stepmothers just are supposed to do. I do bug them about a lot of stuff- like picking up after themselves, trying to not kill me and the pets by leaving dangerous stuff out (I have to remind my husband of this as well...), putting away dishes and maybe, just maybe taking the time to rinse them and put them in the dishwasher (which apparently their duty at their mom's house is to do dishes...this ASTOUNDS me entirely given my experience with them). I also have found that I need to remind them regularly to treat their dad with respect, which is normally what their mom should do- but since she never respected him either, I'm the first one to teach them this concept and I definitely have a wifely duty to remind them to repay his undying love to them with the basic level of respect. (Hell, even Marge reminds the kids to mind Homer!)

Beyond this, the role of stepmom is continually debated by the stepkids themselves and society as a whole. Many people believe we shouldn't exist, yet divorce is extremely common and definitely supported as a way out of marriage as we walk further away from our religious cultural history. If we're not going to tolerate abusive or just plain miserable marriages and severely dangerous dysfunctional families, then you'd think there would be a little bit more acceptance of the alternative and post-divorce life arrangements. It seems like we all believe that moms should remarry great men that take care of their families and replace the "deadbeat dad", but men shouldn't remarry wonderful women that work their hearts out to care for two children they never planned to have- often sacrificing all dreams of their own family and children, because the ones that exist already are the priority and a new baby would make it worse for the kids that already exist. It's a terribly difficult role, and everyone else tries to define it.

Given this, I suck. No matter what, I can't live up to all of your expectations. My husband's expectations are the most important to me, followed by my stepkids. Unfortunately, my stepkids' expectations of me have been so badly shaped by their mother that I'm completely screwed. I don't know if I will ever be out of the evil stepmonster sh*tlist because they have grown up being told a bunch of stuff about my role that is completely untrue, by a person who doesn't seem to even be completely clear on her own role as a mother. They also see how their other stepparent is, and how completely uninvolved he is, which translates into complete "freedom" to them...Making even my most parenting moments offensive by comparison. Their mom tells the kids that his distant role is correct, and my active role is wrong. (Though, she has told them that my money does need to go towards all of their caretaking. Just thought I should help you with that lovely piece of more role confusion... Pay up, fork over your time and your soul, but don't dare be involved...Pretty common biomom thing to expect of a stepmom, by the way.)

Amusingly, so many people expect to be simply a supporting role-model to their stepchildren. They want to be "like an aunt." I can't tell you how much I read that a person just wants to be someone for their stepchildren to listen to and trust, someone they will go to in the future. Well, that's pretty hard to get if you're also given ANY responsibility over them whatsoever, especially when they're young. I'm sorry, but if you're a stepparent, you will need to occasionally (or a lot more, given the situation and husband expectations) parent them before they 1) hurt themselves, 2) hurt others, 3) get abandoned at something, 4) go hungry. Those are the top times when you actually have to parent some, and yeah, it will happen. You'll need to pick them up, you'll need to take care of them in some way.

You won't just get to be a visiting "aunt" who plays with them for a day and sends them back to their parents if they cry. You will not get to be fun leader, without a whole lot of baggage dragged into it, causing your stepkids to automatically NOT trust you one iota. You don't get to just buy them treats, and expect them to talk to you endlessly about their loves and concerns. If you have that sort of stepparent/stepkid relationship, you either leave the house A LOT or your husband literally does everything with the kids while you read books or watch movies by yourself. Making you...not a part of the family. On top of that, I don't know how you wouldn't end up in situations where you're the only one there to do any type of parenting, which often can even just be repeating what their dad already told them to do. Doesn't matter how great the kid is- there will be times where you'll need to talk to them about why their helmet is important or why they shouldn't eat candy til they puke. And, then...the moment you tell them to not do something or to do something...Well, you're not their nice aunt they visit with randomly, and somehow that opinion of you from their mom seeps in from nowhere no matter what fun you've been having previously, and BAM! You're back to the evil stepmonster that the kids don't want to live with.

I don't see any way I could just be that nice extra role model in their lives. I have a responsibility to them. If they were older, I would invite a casual relationship of discussing life- but usually even adult children aren't willing to get to know the new wife, no matter how damaged their parent's marriage may have been.

Whatever- Here I am. I'm here to help them, care for them, guide them, lead them. I am a part of my husband's family, and I work my ass off to please them and support my husband's parenting. But since we're not the main home and their mom has told them my role is something to destroy them (apparently, given the distrust), nothing I do is really ever remembered or right. They have fruity colored glasses given to them from birth that will forever shade me in some sort of other light. I feel bad for the people that think that they will simply be lovely role models for their stepchildren, because it's just not that simple. You have no control over how they see you, and you just need to live your life and parent the way you were meant to- whether they're your kids or not. You don't need to do all of the parenting, unlike a biological parent- but you do need to fulfill the role that the kids need, and not your idealistic role or your in-law's role or the kid's mom's role.

In other words, do what they need. Give them what they need. Not what they want, not what they are told they should want.  Just like a real parent should do, and a real role model would be proud to do.