A "Good" Stepmother

You cannot define a good stepmother according to her stepchildren or her stepchildren's happiness.

That's what certain people tend to do, including mediators, counselors, and in-laws.

It's similar to how you cannot judge a good parent according to the children, especially their happiness.

Kids have moods, pout, and are constantly dealing with the harsh realities of having to take showers or dinner that is not primarily based on ice cream. Kids actually accuse their parents of being "mean" or even yell that they hate them, because they didn't get to go to a friend's house or the word "No" was used.

So if we're aware that kids are this way, act this way, and take parents for granted...Why would you judge a stepmother in that same way? Why do people not realize that kids may not actually hate their stepmom, but could feel strongly just about the fact that there is a stepmom, there is a divorce, and there are two homes. She is an easy target for blame in many cases. And often, a stepmom is taking care of a child who would much rather be with his or her daddy. The stepmom can be seen as a type of babysitter to the child, especially given that usually their mom doesn't afford the stepmom any respect as anything else, and so the child will be unhappy with the stepmom even if everything is perfectly normal and happy otherwise.

There are plenty of reasons why a stepchild would be unhappy with or around a stepmom, but it does not mean that it reflects on the quality or "goodness" of the stepmom.