Continual Conflict

Being a stepmom in and of itself means continual conflict, at least while you're still raising the kids. The direct conflict should somewhat lessen when they're older, living their adult lives. (Or so we assume...Cue scary, foreboding music.)

If there isn't direct conflict with the kids, there still continues to be conflict inside of you. Whether you have your own brood or you are technically "childless", there will continue to be times where inside you feel so much turmoil- even when they're not in the house.

In the middle of the night, something occurs to you. You realize it's something you and your husband or the kids haven't dealt with yet. You think about it, and then realize they're not going to be back to your house for another day, 3 days, 2 weeks... You decide in your mind to move on, and then realize you just can't. And it's the middle of the night, so you can't talk about it with your husband or do much about any of it. But it's there, bugging you mercilessly, and you can't get back to sleep. Or, if you do, usually bad dreams ensue. In order to "handle it", I try to plan what I will say or do when the kids come back, or how I will talk about it with my husband. I try to come up with a plan of action, in hopes that that will settle my worries down. Sometimes that helps, sometimes I just wish I could go on a cruise instead.

Sometimes we get along OK with each other, and things aren't rough at all, but I still can fear them coming over. Not that our house is "peaceful" before the kids come, but I know that the impending weekend or week means a lot more cleaning, cooking, or just a complete lack of control. Full-time parents can be jealous of someone having any breaks whatsoever, but I've found that I have less anxiety and the stress subsides when the kids are with us regularly rather than in smallish spurts of time thanks to a crap custodial order. We all get into a groove, the kids take us relatively seriously as parental figures, and the home functions day after day. Once our time is cut up into small chunks (all the way down to only 4 days out of each month- yeah, that's what we call equal-shared-parenting here in our 50/50 state...) it's more like running full speed for 2 crazy, jam-it-all-in-because-we-have-no-other-choice, then the shock of emptiness. Then we get used to the brief dinner visits of our kid-guests, and then suddenly they're back!

Some of the older camp out there, that haven't read much modern research apparently, believe that it's better for kids to have one stable home- only. Visits with the secondary parent might even be too much for the kids, even if the other parent is perfectly fine but simply parents differently. That it causes too much turmoil for the kids. But we've seen the other side, what the modern research attests to as causing more conflict for the children: One household dominating, and the secondary parent not counting in their lives. One is the serious, all the time parent, the other is the do-as-much-as-possible-in-our-precious-few-minutes parent- often resulting in a lack of quality parenting or involvement from the secondary parent. Courts moved towards "co-parenting" concepts, when some states and countries adopted 50/50 equal-shared-parenting legislation. Then, the verbiage changed, still in support of the former beliefs, that if "co-parenting" wasn't possible, then the 50/50 couldn't be done- which, was not the intent of the law. In fact, the intent of the law was to make sure that both parents stay involved as much as possible, to the extent they want, up to 50/50 unless otherwise agreed or unless one parent caused a danger (real, not perceived) to the children. Some therapists and alienated parents are now trying to get the alternate, and more realistic, concept of "parallel parenting" out there, to replace the mythical co-parenting concept that undermines the equal-shared-parenting, 50/50 legislation.

Researchers found that time shares closer to 50/50 allows kids to see and spend time with both parents, both homes, and both lives regularly- creating a consistent time share that doesn't bounce back and forth. (If you think that 50/50 is bouncing, you should ask about the typical custody order- including holidays.) The 50/50 as a consistency measure may be hard for you to get your head around, until you see how totally messed up and emotionally confused a child is by one parent exerting primary control over another parent who is willing, fit, and able- and wholly present in their lives. Anything other than 50/50 causes children to doubt their parents, feel like they "had to choose" between their parents, and that they are continuously choosing all the time between their parents- with one "winning" and the other "losing". Or, they feel like one parent "doesn't want them" or somehow, despite anything they see or experience, "isn't good enough" as deemed by the primary parent or the courts. They then have to find justification for why they are not able to be with their secondary parent, leading them to easily believe bad stories about that parent that they hear from the primary household or extended family, or they come up with their own childlike conclusions. In other words, they have to find some way to make sense of it in their minds, which inevitably puts some sort of false blame on the secondary parent that that child may grow up believing for life.

Now, something needs to be said for parents who are not "able"- meaning, not physically present or local enough to do the 50/50. This may not have been that parent's choice, but that also causes conflict for the children. They then wonder why that parent can't move with them, can't be there with them too, can't see them as much, and why they chose to not follow them. Despite that being entirely too simplistic, that is how kids feel and think deep down, no matter how much we try to explain to them that a job kept us in one place (they resent the job) or that the other parent moved without notice (kids think "so what- don't you want me??").... No matter what, the conflict is perpetual.

And so we are. My anxiety is up, my guards are up, despite everything being pretty much OK. Great. Here comes the long weekend!

(For research sources related to what I shared above, please see the link provided in Shared Parenting: Facts & Fiction)