Some things are just too low to fathom

I haven't slept in days. Sometimes "bigger" events come up with your stepfamily, specifically the stepchildren, that severely impact your normal, every day functioning. Sleep is difficult, as you can't get to sleep, stay asleep, and wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning. Sounds like a regular parent with a teenager out on the town, but its also a common stepmom experience. Its once again primarily because you can't handle things with your husband when they happen, but have to dwell on what you learned or experienced during the gaps in visits.

Amazingly enough, and even though we have regular, nearly everyday interaction with my stepchildren, no one told us that one of the kids was in a car accident a week ago...or whenever it was because they still won't tell us that either. Yes, we've been seeing them nearly everyday, and yet neither kid told us "oh, she was in an accident." Pretty typical, normal thing to tell your parent when you're a kid... Something you'd usually want to hide when you're a teenager and you or your buddy caused said accident, but not when you're just a kid. That's a pretty major event when you're a kid, and you were in the front seat when the accident happened. Even if you weren't in the front seat witnessing it all, its still a major event that maybe scares you a little or maybe you'd brag about to your friends.

We're pretty disturbed. The few people that are connected to our family and the kids that we told all said the same thing, using the same word: "sick." Yeah, that's how I feel about it, too. Accidents will happen. Pretty damn happy I wasn't the first one to get in an  accident with the kids in the car, but we also know for certain that if the tables were turned, their mom would be trying to kill me if I got in an accident with them and then we didn't tell them. There would be nasty emails telling my husband that I should no longer be able to drive the kids. There would be all kinds of fuss, nastiness, and the kids would suddenly be afraid to drive with me, I guarantee it.

Instead, apparently your kid getting in an accident isn't something that needs to be reported to their involved and present father. Just like doctor visits, serious illnesses, overnight stays and trips out of state- all considered normal communication standards for co-parents, and they are usually required communication points in custody agreements. The courts assume that you will communicate with the other parent about parenting (hahaha!), but especially about serious life events or things that could impact their health. But, as many of us know, many parents do not communicate such normal things to the other parent in joint custody agreements. For whatever reason, its deemed information that the other parent, despite being a parent, just doesn't need to know.

The best is when its overtly clear that the other parent has also indirectly or directly convinced the kids that they should not tell the other parent of such events. They can do this by simply stating over and over again that it is not a big deal and "nobody" needs to know. They can instill unnecessary fear in the children's minds by alluding to how much their other parent will be upset if they tell them. And, any number of things. Yeah, sometimes kids are afraid to tell their parents things because they're afraid of getting in trouble, but many alienated, secondary parents can tell the difference between their kids being kids and their kids being manipulated to hide things or lie about serious events.

I wish that the courts, when both parents are equally fit but one parent retained primary custody due to bias or scheduling or whatever, would switch the primary custody just once, maybe for a year. Let them experience what its like to be cut out, not know what's going on in school, not see schoolwork, not take them to games or events, not throw the party, not know about doctor appointments, and, apparently, not know about car accidents.