Disturbing

Entering the stepmom world also means you often are exposed to the worst manipulation of children you ever thought possible. That's right- I know it's hard to believe, which is why the family court system is so woefully ignorant. How could it be possible that a mother (or father sometimes) would so horribly manipulate a child, a mere child, against another parent?!? Well us stepmoms know how bad it is, how disgusting it is, and, truly, how it well it works.

The most disturbing of all is possibly this one: Convincing the kids that everything the dad (or other parent, but manipulation/parental alienation is predominantly against men, aka Dads) says is "ridiculous" or "overprotective" or "a guilt trip". Belittling everything their father tries to teach them, direct them in, and put rules on. Mocking anything that the father says is important. Mocking the father's standards or requests that the child do a little more, try a little more, or be the best they can be. And turning all of their father's wishes for them into something negative, a weapon against him, and making the kids believe that every positive attempt he makes to help them is in some way "bad" or "mean."

This very easily turns into kids believing that any time Dad is upset at them for something they did wrong, HE is wrong. Children are easily empowered by this backwards logic, because of course they don't want to be in trouble! None of us ever do! As adults, we're constantly trying to justify our wrong actions towards others as "he deserved it" or "I had to" or "if you just knew how I was feeling at the time"...something like that. But manipulative divorced parents are the best at teaching kids to blame the other parent for everything unfair in their lives, but especially to be mad AT THE DAD for something THEY did terribly wrong.

So a kid lies, significantly, about something that happened at school, with friends, in the home, what they did to their sibling, their homework- you name it. The kid injures their sibling. Destroys a family event. Laughs about it. Sees no wrong in the behavior. It's serious. It's a problem. They hurt someone else. They really screwed up. As any normal parent would see, it's time to sit the kid down, talk to them about what happened, what choice they made, and that there will be some sort of repercussion, like no dessert or movie all the way to going to bed early and other restrictions. But given the manipulation from their Mom, that Dad is always wrong, the kid instead just simply Gets Mad At Dad. They don't feel remorse. They don't say Sorry (in fact usually, it is that they refuse to say sorry). They are just absolutely pissed that dad caught them and is saying it was wrong or dangerous behavior. They are even more mad that dad is actually upset at them and has a repercussion. HOW DARE HE! The logic literally is that the kid did something normally accepted as wrong, hurtful, harmful, destructive, etc., but that the dad has no right, while the child is in HIS custody, to handle it or even be remotely upset by it.

We've been dealing with this for years. They were taught that their dad is not a legitimate parent (he was before the divorce, so why is he not now?) and that he really "shouldn't have" any say in their lives, especially when they're doing something fundamentally WRONG. Despite shared custody and joint legal custody. Despite him constantly making a DAILY effort to be in their lives. Despite all he does for them.

It's shocking to watch, shocking to experience, and shocking to see happen over and over for years. Child or teen lies or does something seriously wrong, Parent points it out and says they're disappointed, Child says "stop guilt tripping me"....? WHAT? (Yeah, we went over what a guilt trip is recently, as a parent finding out that something severely major was kept from him and him getting upset the moment he finds out is NOT a "guilt trip.")

Each year, we're introduced to new words for what their mom is characterizing their dad's parenting as. One year, it was "overprotective". This year, it's "guilt tripping". Another year, it was "strict". Another year was "lecturing." Always a negative and unnecessary word for regular parenting. "Stop beating and hurting  your sister" is "strict"? Extremely simple, the bare minimum of safety expectations, turns into "overprotective." (I had to explain to my stepkids that Protective is what ALL parents are. OVERprotective is common, but not simply NORMAL protective parenting instincts. And you know what? Overprotective is generally pretty acceptable parent behavior, too!) "Wear a helmet" is normal. "Call me" is normal. "Tell me where you're going" is NORMAL. "Don't harm someone else"...Normal. "Don't beat your sister up"...NORMAL. "Put away your clothes before you see a friend".....All of this stuff is NORMAL.

But in a manipulative, parental alienation environment, kids are convinced that anything the dad's wishes, requests, and normal parenting are restrictive, excessive, punitive, "horrible", or in our case, "Ridiculous", and overall, hurtful to them. They turn everything into anger against him, forgetting whatever normal things happen with their other parent. That that parent, usually the mom, also punishes them. Also tells them what she does and does not want them to do. Also gets severely, excessively, abusively angry with them... But all of that is considered normal when the kids are significantly manipulated. They focus anger on one, blaming even things that cannot be blamed on the dad on him. Blaming Mom's behavior on Dad. Blaming the divorce on only one parent, rather than two, and then deciding to side with mom in punishing that one parent, despite it being a mutual divorce and the children being well aware that both parents were fighting and neither one wants to be with the other.

I remember how horrible it was when one of my stepdaughters was doing badly in school. My husband and I were constantly encouraging her to do well, to try. To stop hiding that she had more work to do and give up when she felt like just not finishing. When we told her she could do it, that she was capable, she would cry. We were beyond confused because we were saying positive, encouraging things. I come from a family of educators, I have worked with children of many age levels for years, and my husband is probably the most gentle, loving, and strong dad I've ever known. She would come back from her moms and say things that weren't from her own mouth, given her age, claiming that his request for her to work a little harder in school and not give up was "expecting too much" and that his "standards were too high" and that she "didn't know how to please him." It was beyond frustrating. Day after day, week after week, we tried to explain that she was capable and able. That she wasn't just average (as she'd been told repeatedly), but that she CAN try to succeed in schoolwork by turning in assignments and not giving up too easily. But she was just plain convinced that the bare minimum was all that was needed and that her grades reflected that she was just average. She then did her work accordingly, with that low bar constantly being told to her. How can anyone convince their child that they are just average? I thought parents usually have an astronomically unrealistic perspective of their children's intelligence. But what do I know, right? I'm just a stepmom... Maybe it's more common than I thought.

The past two weeks have been significantly tumultuous in our stepfamily. Things were OK, but you never know when everything will get flipped over and suddenly the truth comes to light. When we think that the manipulation and war against us, and their father being a father, has subsided...When we think there is progress and the semblance of normal relationships and a family, that's about usually when we find out we were wrong. My husband and I are thrown back into the swirling, sinking waters trying to figure out what just happened. We're struggling to tell the kids we care, we've cared all along, and we want what's best for them- NOT just want they WANT. We try to help them, lead them, guide them, inform them. We want them to excel, exceed beyond, strive, succeed. We want them to have character, be leaders, and never stop growing.

Family court doesn't look for that. They ask the kids, who are too young to determine their fate, where they want to live. If they could, they'd choose Toys R Us. Instead, they choose the house with the most leniency, the parent that caters to immature desires, and the place where they can get away with the most. And to maintain that, maybe speaking from the lack of self-esteem the parent has as a parent, the manipulative parent has a very easy job of making the parent who tries, just to simply be in their lives and continue to be a father to them, the enemy.