If you're in a split family, you know that the holidays are the worst. It's just complete crap. Courts come up with the worst agreements possible that please no one. If the parents even agree to something on their own in court, the mediator often still throws in their own cut & paste template that they give to everyone else. Nobody realizes what changed until it's already the end of the day, everything's signed and filed.
Their mom didn't take her 4 "vacation" weeks this year. She saved them all for now. We literally now have had every visit with the kids cut out for the entire holiday season except for 2 days for Thanksgiving and one weekend in December. They're still in school, she's not taking off work... Talk about "vacation." They won't be going anywhere, they won't even do anything special. They leave that all up to us to shove into our short periods of time.
My husband requested one whole week during December to try to make up for it, and thank goodness he had "vacation weeks" left with them. She hasn't denied it, which we expected, so maybe it will happen. During that time, the kids will still see their mom during soccer practices and a soccer playoff weekend. My husband is going to take the whole week off of work just to take care of them. He's excited and will love it. I'm sure they will also get some spoiling that week, because he'll just be so happy to finally be with them on a school week. It will be the most time we've had with them in months, since summer.
And, our allotment of 2 days at Thanksgiving is coming up. We wanted to go out of town to spend time with my family, but we don't think we have the time given how little we see the kids. In the meantime, my husband has not heard from the kids. More specifically, he hasn't heard from his 13 year old daughter even though he's called multiple times to both the kid's phone and their mom's phone. Although court orders say things like parents need to allow communication, the parent that has the kid wins. They don't have to allow anything, and they can lie about it in 15 different ways. They can take away phones, claim the call never made it and they never got the message, or just say they were "busy." Pretty common for those of us with the blended families, and we all have experienced that.
What upsets me more is that it's the holidays, he won't get to see them on Thanksgiving itself, he'll only get 2 days to see them in between 2 "vacation" weeks, yet he hasn't had private, regular, court-ordered communication with them in almost 6 days. He called Saturday, he called Sunday, he sent messages today. He saw one kid briefly at a party, but that definitely does not count as parent-child private communication time. (You'd know if you've ever been to a kid party before.)
It's amazing that this game-playing can go on for so many years. People expect adults to be adults, parents to be parents, and things to normalize after a bit. But more and more, that isn't happening. One ex-spouse can decide to continue the war and keep it alive as long as they believe the kids "should be theirs". And there's no proof, no way to get it to stop. You just continue to lose your children.
Monday, November 22, 2010
Thursday, November 4, 2010
A STEPMOM PRIMER
I WISH I could say I wrote this myself. But alas, I am borrowing it, with permission, from a brilliant lady within the stepmom community. To summarize, it's her blog post about reading through "regular" mom writings and commentary about stepmoms. She shares with us what she "learned" from her blogosphere adventure. Please, please share this with every stepmom in your world, as we all seem to need to learn a thing or two about our role...
"In my ever present quest in the pursuit of perfecting procrastination (try saying that three times fast) I have found myself trolling blogs and articles about stepmoms. My favorite part about articles and blogs is reading the comments section. Usually there I can find some funny story or a new perspective on life. However after this past week I. Will. Never. Do. It. Again. The amount of hate and mean spirited comments directed at stepmom articles is amazing! You would think we all ride brooms and snatch babies from their cradles!
"In my ever present quest in the pursuit of perfecting procrastination (try saying that three times fast) I have found myself trolling blogs and articles about stepmoms. My favorite part about articles and blogs is reading the comments section. Usually there I can find some funny story or a new perspective on life. However after this past week I. Will. Never. Do. It. Again. The amount of hate and mean spirited comments directed at stepmom articles is amazing! You would think we all ride brooms and snatch babies from their cradles!
This month on MomLogic, Stepbomb decided to step down, and I do not blame her one bit. The purpose of her articles was to give her perspective on the strained relationship between her and BM. Everything was anonymous and told from her point of view only, so very little had to do with what her husband did. This woman laid it out there to get different perspectives and show other women who were struggling in similar situations that they were not alone. I did not get a chance to read all of her articles, but the handful I read all contained a few nice and supportive comments, but for every positive comment there were 5 saying she was overstepping, horrible, and her husband was a lazy SOB. What was she doing that was so horrible, so worthy of condemnation that we should shish-kabob her on the web? Um, being a nice, active parent. DAMN YOU STEPBOMB!!!! Terrible, horrible. How dare a stepmom try bonding with her stepdaughters, letting them borrow clothes, and reaching out to the BM in an attempt to do the right thing. By golly, sheer craziness! (that was all sarcasm by the way, Stepbomb seems pretty cool, and I'd like to borrow some of her clothes too.)
So after reading these comments on Stepbomb's articles and elsewhere I am now compiling the stepmom primer, as per the interweb trolls of hades:
1) Kids only have two parents, no more, maybe less, either way you aren't one of them. See, we all have a built in limit on how much love we can receive from parents, and it maxes out at two parents. None of us need more than two parents, in fact having more than two loving parents could cause a child to explode. It is really for the child's own safety that you should treat them with mild interest.
2) Dad should take care of all the child's needs when said child is with you, you are not a parent. Really, this took a load off my mind. I'm planning on getting a mani/pedi while we have the kids Friday, now that I have learned this. You see, the fact that he has kids actually negates the whole theory of marriage and partnership. If they had been both your children, then you would share the burden or joy, but they aren't yours so you can go clubbing while he reads "Goodnight Moon" for the 100th time. This has a few subsections:
a) If the kids are sick, by no means should you take them to the doctor. If DH is not around and you can't get ahold of BM, well Jr. is just gonna have to suck it up and be a man (I don't care if you're only 4, mister!) until you can reach them to confirm that vomiting and fever means he is sick. After all, they aren't your kids, how on earth could you possibly know what it looks like when they are sick?!
b) Do Not Buy Them Clothes. It is better for their psyche to run around naked then it is for you to usurp BM or DH's power to buy clothes. Clothing shopping is a parent-child ritual that has spanned centuries, maybe even since the dawn of man. See, kids can only go shopping a few times in their lifetime or they turn into zombies. I'm sure you've seen the result at your local mall, those teenagers we call Mallrats? Yep, that's the result of stepmoms taking children shopping. You've been warned.
c) Don't feed the kids!!!! They are like gremlins being fed after midnight, except with your food it is always after midnight (maybe I should have used the water on Gizmo analogy here instead, eh you get the point).
3) The children should never call you "mom" or anything other than dad's wife. If the child asks to call you "mom" or slips and calls you "mom" by mistake, you should immediately launch into a speech about what a "mom" is, bow down to an alter you made of BM, and berate the child or daring to use such a sacred term towards a uterus that did not expel him or her. Requirements for mom:
a) To be a mom you must cary a child for 9 months and give birth. You know that story of the crackhead lady who had a baby and sold it for more crack? She's a mom, you are not. (actually, I'm kind of glad about that, I'd rather not be lumped in with her)
b) Alright, adoptive moms are moms because they choose to adopt and love a kid. No there is no parallel between stepmoms and adoptive moms. Stop thinking that. No really, logic will not work. Lalalalalalalalala!!!!!
4) What BM says goes. No really, if she wants you to stand in a corner, ignore her child, and neglect them, that is what you do. Put a lampshade on your head an stand in the corner. How dare you think you have any say in what goes on in your own home. Bah!
5) If you take any interest in the kids, you are trying to be all "Hand That Rocks the Cradle" like and steal the children. Nevermind that movie was about a crazy babysitter trying to break up a loving family and you are the actual wife or partner of DH. No, you are Rebecca Dimorney (really how do I spell that?) and BM is the persecuted wife, played by someone I can't remember. Back off! Don't say "hi", no eye contact, and dear god, little Susie does NOT need YOUR help with her homework! If she needs to learn stuff BM will teach her, it's her kid.
a) Also, parent-teacher conferences are off limits. Supporting the kids is also trying to steal them, you baby nabber you!
6) If you want kids, have them yourself. However they will come second to DH's "first family" and should probably be raised to clean up after your stepkids. Remember they are privileged to be in BM's children's presence and no, your kids are not your stepkids' siblings.
7) If you do not cook, clean, help with homework, kiss boo-boos, buy clothes, play with, and love the kids as your own, you are a wicked stepmom. Have fun reconciling that with Rules 1-6!!!
(All of this is a condensed interpretation by me of random postings seen on the web and is in no way serious, even #7. All situations are different and require different rules.)" - Courtesy of Pseudo Mom
Friday, October 29, 2010
The Teen Years have Begun
In the past, it was more that my oldest stepdaughter encouraged and even incited her mom to have massive freakouts or reasons to fight us, send nasty emails, make horrible phone calls, accuse us of completely strange things. She left out information, elaborated, expanded, and just plain lied. It was sometimes to protect herself at our expense, but it was for many years because she wanted to please her mom. She had somehow reasoned that by keeping her mom mad at us, it made her mom happy or kept their bond. Maybe she thought it meant she would be in less regular trouble with her if she provided her mom with fake dirt. Not really sure, and not really sure that we'll ever know "why" she has kept her mom incorrectly informed for so many years.
We told her that the lies and left out truths just led to high conflict that she was making everything horrible for all of us, especially her and her sister. We were not only trying to teach her that lying was making things more complicated and her life worse, but also trying to get across to her that she was literally often causing these big huge flare-ups that led to court and anger.
She hasn't been causing the flare-ups as much lately, or their mom just hasn't cared. Not really sure, can't really know. But things have seemed better mostly. Then in one week, we get two nasty communications with their mom. But one was clearly triggered by my stepdaughter, and was completely unnecessary. It's clear that this time, it wasn't to avoid punishment or bond with her mom in the perverse way. This time it was to get mom mad at dad in order to get what she wanted. So literally, the brand new teen, has just done what I usually read about children of divorce doing- using the parents to get what they want.
It didn't work very well, of course. But this was the first time where my stepdaughter was directly involved and caused the fighting and nasty communications by going to her mom, in order to not have to do something when she was in our custody.
I'm pretty pissed about it. Before, she was emotionally confused by her mom's messed up mind and easy anger. Before, it was to please mom. We're pretty used to that old story. This, though, was to selfishly try to get out of something by using her mom's ever-present anger against her dad. I see this as worse, but I guess the good thing about this kind of behavior for us is it is much easier to attach repercussions to. And we've found that to be a lot more effective then trying to reason with them about the logic of playing their mom's emotional games.
We told her that the lies and left out truths just led to high conflict that she was making everything horrible for all of us, especially her and her sister. We were not only trying to teach her that lying was making things more complicated and her life worse, but also trying to get across to her that she was literally often causing these big huge flare-ups that led to court and anger.
She hasn't been causing the flare-ups as much lately, or their mom just hasn't cared. Not really sure, can't really know. But things have seemed better mostly. Then in one week, we get two nasty communications with their mom. But one was clearly triggered by my stepdaughter, and was completely unnecessary. It's clear that this time, it wasn't to avoid punishment or bond with her mom in the perverse way. This time it was to get mom mad at dad in order to get what she wanted. So literally, the brand new teen, has just done what I usually read about children of divorce doing- using the parents to get what they want.
It didn't work very well, of course. But this was the first time where my stepdaughter was directly involved and caused the fighting and nasty communications by going to her mom, in order to not have to do something when she was in our custody.
I'm pretty pissed about it. Before, she was emotionally confused by her mom's messed up mind and easy anger. Before, it was to please mom. We're pretty used to that old story. This, though, was to selfishly try to get out of something by using her mom's ever-present anger against her dad. I see this as worse, but I guess the good thing about this kind of behavior for us is it is much easier to attach repercussions to. And we've found that to be a lot more effective then trying to reason with them about the logic of playing their mom's emotional games.
Friday, October 15, 2010
WYSIWYG
What you see is what you get.
Stepmoms, we fell in love. How horrible is that? Why do we have to be someone we're not, because your husband's ex thinks whatever she's made up about you and then has impressed that upon the kids? The more it gets to you, the more it makes you crazy and self-doubt. You start to question whether you should change, and if you do change, the resentment starts to build....
It's one thing to believe in self-improvement, but constantly ask yourself if it's self-improvement or trying to live up to another person's standards- whether it be your husband's, the kids', your in-laws'... You need to maintain your own standards. Let your stepkids learn from your standards, which is why your husband fell for you in the first place.
Stepmoms, we fell in love. How horrible is that? Why do we have to be someone we're not, because your husband's ex thinks whatever she's made up about you and then has impressed that upon the kids? The more it gets to you, the more it makes you crazy and self-doubt. You start to question whether you should change, and if you do change, the resentment starts to build....
It's one thing to believe in self-improvement, but constantly ask yourself if it's self-improvement or trying to live up to another person's standards- whether it be your husband's, the kids', your in-laws'... You need to maintain your own standards. Let your stepkids learn from your standards, which is why your husband fell for you in the first place.
Thursday, October 7, 2010
They don't like me, but they learn from me
The weirdest part to accept when you're a stepmom is that even when the kids don't like you, mock you, ignore you, and hurt you- They are still learning a ton from you.
I learn that lesson over and over again. My stepkids aren't that bad to me anymore, though sometimes they hurt me a lot more than they know and it's usually not intentioned now. I guess it could be more related to age, maturity, and the person who's primarily raising them now.
But still, I see them pick up things from me. They may have resisted me as much as they could those years that their mom was manipulating them the most, but I was still there, a lot. They're still going to pick things up from me, just because I'm an adult in their lives. Now that they're on better behavior, I'm seeing a lot of that seep through.
Once again, I'm seeing my oldest stepkid copy things I do and say. My husband and I have also noticed a continuation and increase of the girls seeking my approval or help before their dad's. Sometimes the youngest will turn to me and ask for something, even though her dad is right there. His shock is quite funny, and I have no idea why she does this. She could tell you that I very often tell her to ask her dad about most things, yet she comes to me first. (I'm starting to think it's more because she knows that if I disapprove, I'll probably win out later... She's a smart cookie sometimes.)
I took my oldest stepdaughter to get some new jeans that fit whatever style she wants this year. Most of her jeans were family hand-me-downs from her cool beach cousin, and she's been quite fine with those. But she's now the same height as that cousin, so we've been taking her out for new things more and more. I told her she just picks what she wants and I'll buy it, just as long as it actually fits and she won't outgrow it in only a few months. I specifically told her she didn't need to "show" me what they looked like- just tell me what's good or not. Yet, sure enough, I hear my name being called. For both pairs of jeans she picked out, she wanted me to see how they looked and tell me why she liked them- and I noticed it seemed like she was trying to convince me. I really couldn't care less- I even told her she could get jeans her dad would complain about if she wanted. Yet, there she was, showing me jeans and looking for my approval.
I know that their mom is pretty much all that really matters to them- with her love being somewhat conditional, they have to get her approval first and foremost, even at the cost of others like their very own dad's. But I am glad to see them be comfortable enough with me to at least act like they want my approval. It does show that my female role-model and "other mother" role is legitimate to them, for right now.
I learn that lesson over and over again. My stepkids aren't that bad to me anymore, though sometimes they hurt me a lot more than they know and it's usually not intentioned now. I guess it could be more related to age, maturity, and the person who's primarily raising them now.
But still, I see them pick up things from me. They may have resisted me as much as they could those years that their mom was manipulating them the most, but I was still there, a lot. They're still going to pick things up from me, just because I'm an adult in their lives. Now that they're on better behavior, I'm seeing a lot of that seep through.
Once again, I'm seeing my oldest stepkid copy things I do and say. My husband and I have also noticed a continuation and increase of the girls seeking my approval or help before their dad's. Sometimes the youngest will turn to me and ask for something, even though her dad is right there. His shock is quite funny, and I have no idea why she does this. She could tell you that I very often tell her to ask her dad about most things, yet she comes to me first. (I'm starting to think it's more because she knows that if I disapprove, I'll probably win out later... She's a smart cookie sometimes.)
I took my oldest stepdaughter to get some new jeans that fit whatever style she wants this year. Most of her jeans were family hand-me-downs from her cool beach cousin, and she's been quite fine with those. But she's now the same height as that cousin, so we've been taking her out for new things more and more. I told her she just picks what she wants and I'll buy it, just as long as it actually fits and she won't outgrow it in only a few months. I specifically told her she didn't need to "show" me what they looked like- just tell me what's good or not. Yet, sure enough, I hear my name being called. For both pairs of jeans she picked out, she wanted me to see how they looked and tell me why she liked them- and I noticed it seemed like she was trying to convince me. I really couldn't care less- I even told her she could get jeans her dad would complain about if she wanted. Yet, there she was, showing me jeans and looking for my approval.
I know that their mom is pretty much all that really matters to them- with her love being somewhat conditional, they have to get her approval first and foremost, even at the cost of others like their very own dad's. But I am glad to see them be comfortable enough with me to at least act like they want my approval. It does show that my female role-model and "other mother" role is legitimate to them, for right now.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
The Good Stepmom
I can tell you what a good stepmom is.
There's all these books out there to help stepmoms learn, adapt and be better.
You know all it is? You want to know what it takes to be a good stepmom?
When your stepkid treats you like crap, embarrassing you in front of others- kids, adults, teachers, coaches, friends, family- You don't tell them how you really feel, you don't scream at them at the first chance to tell them how horrible they were, and in fact, you stomach nearly all of it.
There's all these books out there to help stepmoms learn, adapt and be better.
You know all it is? You want to know what it takes to be a good stepmom?
When your stepkid treats you like crap, embarrassing you in front of others- kids, adults, teachers, coaches, friends, family- You don't tell them how you really feel, you don't scream at them at the first chance to tell them how horrible they were, and in fact, you stomach nearly all of it.
Tuesday, August 3, 2010
Fight On (if the Fight will bring them Life)
So, it's summer. And it's almost over. How did that happen? Where we live, it's only been hot for about 4 days total. I'm wondering if summer can extend to October.
In our custody arrangement, we now have every other week with the kids, but only during the summer. The moment the custody changed, they were happier, looser, more normal with us. We've noticed this year after year: If they know they will be with us for a longer amount of time than those weekday "dinner visits" or the short weekends, then they become themselves. They are suddenly fine with everything. They aren't rigid anymore, aren't fighting everything. My husband has tried to tell court mediators and the therapist this, but we don't think anybody listens or believes him. And I guess they don't see that this is why experts recommended that (caring, healthy) parents have equal time, and why our legislature passed a law saying courts should make decisions in that vein.
We've seen some majors shifts in the kids this summer as well. Thank goodness that they are getting older. I've been waiting for a time like this, when I can see glimmers of hope that maybe, just maybe, they'll be aware enough to fight the extremely negative, unhealthy tendencies and habits they've learned...And just maybe, be their own people.
I have always said that I invest so much time, effort, and care into them- Not out of love, but because I want to actually like them when they're older and adults. This is my way of saying that I want them to be smart, healthy women, decent people, and help society rather than hurt it. I know that marrying my husband meant they would be in my life forever, and caring for them was a part of my vows. I do a lot of "loving" them, but it's not a normal sort of love. It's a caring love that results from the immense, unending love I have for my husband. I definitely see them as a part of him, something that comes with him with no choice, and therefore I need to do as much as I can to make the best of it. If I love him, I will do what I can for them. And for me, making the best of it involves a lot of work to hopefully show them different things in the world.
And what I've just described, whether you recognized it or not, is a war against their mom. As a stepmom, I'm not supposed to war against their mother. In the perfect world where parents are all wonderful, I am simply supposed to let her teachings be it- because she is their mom. And I only support the parents and their wishes. If only it were that easy and I didn't have any morals, values, or general obligations as a citizen and Christian....It wouldn't have to be a war, and it wasn't my choice. Their mom is mad, angry, furious that I am a part of their lives. There's jealousy and other typical ex-wife, bio-mom sentiments there. But it really boils down much more to who she is. And who she is...is based off of her children.
Her self-esteem has always been so low, from the way she was raised. Not her fault, really. Her kids are her everything because- they will be her friends. She doesn't have many, and her friends are her family members- who only respect her to a certain degree. She has the old fashioned way of understanding kids to be who takes care of her when she's old, as well. She's never looked to a husband to do that, though she does have financial dependencies on them. Her goal has always been to have two mini-hers, without (some of) her mistakes. She was most happy when pregnant and showing off her infants, because it was the most attention she's ever had. And, she had control over others for once when for so long, her life was always out of her control. They are her pets, her prizes, and her reflection. And the reflection issue is what causes the war.
In wanting them to be her friends, caretaker, and a continuous reflection of her, they end up being- well let's make it simple: not themselves. They are (very quickly growing) children; they need to live, explore, play, question, grow, and learn. But if they are a reflection, they do not. If they're busy "stepping on eggshells" with a narcissistic parent, they will in turn lose their own self-esteem. They will end up modeling their needy parent, and unfortunately become not "like their parent" but also the full reflection. Which, in this case, is dangerous.
So, she sees me as the enemy. I pride myself on being different, learning more, being an activist, and exploring. She wants to keep them near her, to do only what she does and did, and not expose them because she might lose them. Her biggest fear is losing them, as she has openly shared in the past and continues to show in every action, email, and in the manipulation war she wages.Within the first year, I was sick of my stepdaughters' fears, inability to try things, quick judgments at such young ages, and lack of curiosity. I was scared of the nasty faces they made, which my husband recognized as their moms. And I was most alarmed by their complete lack of belief in themselves and inability to have goals. Two children, afraid to commit to themselves, afraid to believe in themselves, and unable to separate themselves from what they'd been told they were. Quite, quite literally.
Most moms would be happy that their children could try new things, visit new places, learn more and more- and not on their dime, either. We go to museums, historical parks, and teach them how to do things. They try new foods, so that they don't freak out later on when presented with it, and they change their minds about restaurants they previously claimed they "hated" because their mom and her family said they did. They were talked out of music lessons, so we signed them up with a friend- and now they're proud that they can play guitar. I have a million other examples like these, and I'm seeing their fear of the new and the world start to dissipate. We're finally seeing them be willing, jump forward to try things, and eager to leave the house. And, they've made new friends. Lots. They have an entire community at church and made special friends from camps. They have lots of family in other places that they can visit and who love them so much. What a world they (can) have.
But, don't you get it? A mom who wants her kids to be just like her- this is all her worst nightmare. Absolutely scary. I am not being facetious or sarcastic. If your world is limited and your self-esteem is low, you need your children to relate to you and still want to be with you. If they want the world and more, how can they stay with you or be there when you are alone? She wants them to be successful(ish), but not too much more than she considers herself to be. She wants them to have low goals like her, so they stay. She wants them to be friends with her, not new people or kids where she can't get to know the parents or cast her judgment on them. She doesn't want them to experience things she never experienced, because she doesn't understand it- and fears it herself. That separates them from her, ever so much. Their grades aren't important, as long as they're average- like hers were. They don't need to work towards goals, because she didn't have many- and she has goals for them, anyways.
So she hates that I entered her ex's life and then introduced him and her kids to new things, an active life, faith, and all kinds of things she doesn't understand or want for them. Pretty simple when you get it. Otherwise, you just shake your head, wondering why she's so mad and angry all the time- why she is constantly fighting us all the time. She fears what I and we offer them. She hates that we can offer these things she doesn't know about, and therefore doesn't want her kids to know about either.
My fear is that they fear life and never learn how to grow. That's what I want for any youth I encounter and work with, not just these two. (Which I believe is something they may start to understand, but their mom thinks is just my attempts to tear her children from her set lifestyle choice for them, and thereby tear them from her.) I definitely have a clear purpose in their lives, my husband supports me, and I am motivated continually by their joy and what they learn/experience. I've never been a bystander, and I've never believed that people should take on the negative habits that will hurt them later in life. I have been brought into their lives, I am not perfect, but I sure want to offer anything that I can. If anything, I want them to have the pure and simple choice between some things versus other things, this lifestyle versus that, and "good" versus "bad." You have to be informed if you're going to make decisions, and I consider myself to be an informant.
And really, this is just who I am. Fight on.
In our custody arrangement, we now have every other week with the kids, but only during the summer. The moment the custody changed, they were happier, looser, more normal with us. We've noticed this year after year: If they know they will be with us for a longer amount of time than those weekday "dinner visits" or the short weekends, then they become themselves. They are suddenly fine with everything. They aren't rigid anymore, aren't fighting everything. My husband has tried to tell court mediators and the therapist this, but we don't think anybody listens or believes him. And I guess they don't see that this is why experts recommended that (caring, healthy) parents have equal time, and why our legislature passed a law saying courts should make decisions in that vein.
We've seen some majors shifts in the kids this summer as well. Thank goodness that they are getting older. I've been waiting for a time like this, when I can see glimmers of hope that maybe, just maybe, they'll be aware enough to fight the extremely negative, unhealthy tendencies and habits they've learned...And just maybe, be their own people.
I have always said that I invest so much time, effort, and care into them- Not out of love, but because I want to actually like them when they're older and adults. This is my way of saying that I want them to be smart, healthy women, decent people, and help society rather than hurt it. I know that marrying my husband meant they would be in my life forever, and caring for them was a part of my vows. I do a lot of "loving" them, but it's not a normal sort of love. It's a caring love that results from the immense, unending love I have for my husband. I definitely see them as a part of him, something that comes with him with no choice, and therefore I need to do as much as I can to make the best of it. If I love him, I will do what I can for them. And for me, making the best of it involves a lot of work to hopefully show them different things in the world.
And what I've just described, whether you recognized it or not, is a war against their mom. As a stepmom, I'm not supposed to war against their mother. In the perfect world where parents are all wonderful, I am simply supposed to let her teachings be it- because she is their mom. And I only support the parents and their wishes. If only it were that easy and I didn't have any morals, values, or general obligations as a citizen and Christian....It wouldn't have to be a war, and it wasn't my choice. Their mom is mad, angry, furious that I am a part of their lives. There's jealousy and other typical ex-wife, bio-mom sentiments there. But it really boils down much more to who she is. And who she is...is based off of her children.
Her self-esteem has always been so low, from the way she was raised. Not her fault, really. Her kids are her everything because- they will be her friends. She doesn't have many, and her friends are her family members- who only respect her to a certain degree. She has the old fashioned way of understanding kids to be who takes care of her when she's old, as well. She's never looked to a husband to do that, though she does have financial dependencies on them. Her goal has always been to have two mini-hers, without (some of) her mistakes. She was most happy when pregnant and showing off her infants, because it was the most attention she's ever had. And, she had control over others for once when for so long, her life was always out of her control. They are her pets, her prizes, and her reflection. And the reflection issue is what causes the war.
In wanting them to be her friends, caretaker, and a continuous reflection of her, they end up being- well let's make it simple: not themselves. They are (very quickly growing) children; they need to live, explore, play, question, grow, and learn. But if they are a reflection, they do not. If they're busy "stepping on eggshells" with a narcissistic parent, they will in turn lose their own self-esteem. They will end up modeling their needy parent, and unfortunately become not "like their parent" but also the full reflection. Which, in this case, is dangerous.
So, she sees me as the enemy. I pride myself on being different, learning more, being an activist, and exploring. She wants to keep them near her, to do only what she does and did, and not expose them because she might lose them. Her biggest fear is losing them, as she has openly shared in the past and continues to show in every action, email, and in the manipulation war she wages.Within the first year, I was sick of my stepdaughters' fears, inability to try things, quick judgments at such young ages, and lack of curiosity. I was scared of the nasty faces they made, which my husband recognized as their moms. And I was most alarmed by their complete lack of belief in themselves and inability to have goals. Two children, afraid to commit to themselves, afraid to believe in themselves, and unable to separate themselves from what they'd been told they were. Quite, quite literally.
Most moms would be happy that their children could try new things, visit new places, learn more and more- and not on their dime, either. We go to museums, historical parks, and teach them how to do things. They try new foods, so that they don't freak out later on when presented with it, and they change their minds about restaurants they previously claimed they "hated" because their mom and her family said they did. They were talked out of music lessons, so we signed them up with a friend- and now they're proud that they can play guitar. I have a million other examples like these, and I'm seeing their fear of the new and the world start to dissipate. We're finally seeing them be willing, jump forward to try things, and eager to leave the house. And, they've made new friends. Lots. They have an entire community at church and made special friends from camps. They have lots of family in other places that they can visit and who love them so much. What a world they (can) have.
But, don't you get it? A mom who wants her kids to be just like her- this is all her worst nightmare. Absolutely scary. I am not being facetious or sarcastic. If your world is limited and your self-esteem is low, you need your children to relate to you and still want to be with you. If they want the world and more, how can they stay with you or be there when you are alone? She wants them to be successful(ish), but not too much more than she considers herself to be. She wants them to have low goals like her, so they stay. She wants them to be friends with her, not new people or kids where she can't get to know the parents or cast her judgment on them. She doesn't want them to experience things she never experienced, because she doesn't understand it- and fears it herself. That separates them from her, ever so much. Their grades aren't important, as long as they're average- like hers were. They don't need to work towards goals, because she didn't have many- and she has goals for them, anyways.
So she hates that I entered her ex's life and then introduced him and her kids to new things, an active life, faith, and all kinds of things she doesn't understand or want for them. Pretty simple when you get it. Otherwise, you just shake your head, wondering why she's so mad and angry all the time- why she is constantly fighting us all the time. She fears what I and we offer them. She hates that we can offer these things she doesn't know about, and therefore doesn't want her kids to know about either.
My fear is that they fear life and never learn how to grow. That's what I want for any youth I encounter and work with, not just these two. (Which I believe is something they may start to understand, but their mom thinks is just my attempts to tear her children from her set lifestyle choice for them, and thereby tear them from her.) I definitely have a clear purpose in their lives, my husband supports me, and I am motivated continually by their joy and what they learn/experience. I've never been a bystander, and I've never believed that people should take on the negative habits that will hurt them later in life. I have been brought into their lives, I am not perfect, but I sure want to offer anything that I can. If anything, I want them to have the pure and simple choice between some things versus other things, this lifestyle versus that, and "good" versus "bad." You have to be informed if you're going to make decisions, and I consider myself to be an informant.
And really, this is just who I am. Fight on.
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