Take Control When You Get the Chance

One thing I strongly want you Stepmoms to know and do- something I strongly regret not doing- something I have to pass on to you:

When you have the chance to report something in an official means, do so. If you have the opportunity to get a restraining order, do so.

If the kids' mom follows you, harasses you, taunts you- Get even a sliver of documentation or a witness, or maybe not even that, and file a restraining order. More was done to me, and I regret to this day that I didn't take action when I had the chance. Even the effort of trying to get a restraining order is documented, even if it isn't granted. The attempt alone is worthwhile. Set a precedent that you will take action so that she doesn't try to continue it, escalate it, and frankly, ruin whole portions of your life, well-being, and mental health.

If you are being threatened, if you are being chased, if you are being screamed at: Don't take it like your husband did or does. Protect yourself, even if others- such as cops, in my case- tell you you have no case. A lawyer will tell you you have a case. Years of reading about how often moms file bogus restraining orders tells me we have grounds to take legal action. Use that ability, the law, lawyers, and any protection you can for yourself.

We were in shock. When we- my husband and I- were physically attacked, we were in shock. I cried my head off that whole night. That's when my shaking started. I was shaking out of confusion, anger, more confusion, and complete sadness. I had no idea what had just happened to me and felt like I was just in some sort of ghetto gang experience I was absolutely uncomfortable with, from someone else's life.

Most people (friends, family, coworkers) were amazed, shocked like I was. One person, though, laughed about it and said she felt bad for me but that it sounded like a typical night in her LA neighborhood. The cop (a female) we went to report it to the next night treated us like we were just trying to report an "almost fight", said we "didn't have a case" (they are not allowed to give legal advice, but do), and that it would have been best if I had let her hit me square on so that I could have physical proof of it. (The cop called and talked to her...Returned with a much lighter attitude to us and said, "Is she always that... emotional?" to my husband. From that point, she treated us like real people...)

Technically, the cop was right. On the other hand, it's horrible. Really? In order to have my person protected, I need to be abused first?

Forget that. If you are being threatened, screamed at, cornered, followed: DO NOT LET IT ESCALATE. Don't feel like me. Don't feel trapped. Don't have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Don't start shaking and suffering from anxiety attacks for over half a decade every time you go to a school or sports event or the [police station] to pick up the kids.

At the time, I remember a lot of the legalese I read stating that only the familial parties had any rights to protections. Screw that! We live in a litigious society, which ethically and financially sucks, but use it to your advantage in the case of protecting yourself.

And if lawyers or legal means are not an option (which they are- so keep looking, please) then use some of the protections we started considering for my husband, and consequently myself.

Since we were given improper advice and should have taken up counsel immediately, which would have been significantly, entirely useful in court a couple of years later in regards to custody, my husband improvised. He talked to officers he knew and asked for advice. He asked what he could do to protect his family from his ex and her family. They advised:

1) No child exchanges in personal, dark, unmonitored locations. Refuse meeting locations of that sort for eternity, as now you know what the person "might" do. If it is necessary to do an exchange at an unsafe location for some reason, then request officer accompaniment. (Which, we found, quickly caused the ex to say OK to safe locations, because you have to wait for an officer who is available to accompany you.)

2) Try to do all child exchanges at a police station. Do the exchanges IN the police station (find one with an open lobby at all times, then) because THAT's where the microphones AND cameras are. There may be a camera or two in the parking lot, where most people do exchanges, but it may not be on you since a parking lot is larger. You want the lobby where there is both camera coverage and microphones recording audio.

3) Keep communications on email, not in person or over the phone. Not only does she need to be recorded, but she also can't contain herself in person.

4) Leave any situation that isn't safe. This, for us, meant informing the children for quite a number of years that we may need to leave at a moment's notice, and that they are not to argue with us about it. We made it clear that if any of us were in danger, INCLUDING ME, that it was just plain and simple time to go. As a unit, we leave. We only employed this a few times, as the kids seemed to understand.

So, all of these things, by the way, were LAUGHED AT by the kids' mom. She called all of it "ridiculous." She mocked my husband. Ask yourself: What does that say about the person who laughs? If my husband and I were a danger of any sort, or if she wanted to make up that we were, then she would be doing all of these things, right? Yes, plenty of moms do all of these things to make their ex look bad, feel powerless, and feel like he is watched- even if there hasn't been any actual physical violence. SO, use it for yourselves.

Our problem is we're married to the man. The man likes to look tough. The man, father, likes to think and act like he can handle it all. They like to think they have it under control. They don't think of ways to make themselves 1) safe, 2) look better in court, 3) look like the victim. They don't WANT to be the victim. It's "unmanly," but it is also just not how they think. And yet, this is despite knowing that so many of our husbands were abused in some way by their ex spouses, mentally and physically. They are not taught, like many women are increasingly, to be aware of the signs and how to protect themselves. They may have gotten out of the marriage, but that was their way of "getting away from it." Little did they know that an abuser doesn't let anyone get away from it, as so many women's and child services and protection groups know. Abusers chase you down, because all they wanted was to control you and you stepping away from the marriage? That didn't end it. Just like if a battered woman tries to leave her marriage- It isn't successful, and he tries to find her.... Well, guess what? It's the same-damn-thing for female abusers. They're not going to leave you alone. They're going to show you that they can control your children. They're also going to start abusing and targetting the new wife, YOU. You have just joined the target, becoming a bigger- and much easier target.

But your husband doesn't realize that. He for some reason thinks you will be separate from his mess. He thinks he is a man, and therefore can "handle" his ex <chuckle> but that you are just with him and you will start your new life together....(Oh, and that his children are his, too, and that they will never forget how much he loves them....)

And unfortunately, you as a new wife, in a weird situation, will take his advice. He knows her, right? He knows what she's like, right? He knows her boundaries, right?

No. He doesn't. Men are naive to the capabilities of their exes. He may have yet to learn the fury of a scorned woman, but more specifically- He was somewhat blind to the abuse in the first place. Men don't recognize and identify abuse and aren't trained to. He knew it was a hellish marriage, but doesn't know the patterns, signs, and what he was actually married to. Therefore, he is unable to characterize her in general or predict what could happen post-divorce. As many books and the experts behind them state, and as any stepmom who's been married for a couple of years can attest to, ex-wives can flare up later when 1) during the divorce proceedings or a later custody battle, 2) a new girlfriend enters the scene, 3) engagement or marriage, 4) pregnancy of the new wife, 5) and even when they get remarried. Court filings correlate with these events, as well. (The majority- as in an  80-90 percentile majority- of divorce and custody filings are by women, aka Mom. And also, we as a society fail to remember that most domestic violence calls include both the male and the female committing violence, and that police house calls due to disturbances include equal amounts of male and female offenders.)

The man, over and over again, wrongly assumes that as time goes on, she will calm down and things will normalize. Well, if she's an abuser... No. If she still wants to control you, and has been able to through court and the kids for some time, she is still maintaining that abuse in different ways. And her added bonus? A Stepmom who is sometimes on her own. I am open game.

For years following that incident, and still now but to a lesser degree, I was followed. She made it very clear that she was there, near me, next to me, and maintaining her threat. She is much larger than I am, (which is amusing because I always thought I was too tall and too big!) and very clearly knew and showed that. She smirked at me a lot, as she does when she knows she has the ultimate power. She made it very clear to me that she was present, closer than necessary to me, and purposely so. "Hovering," if you will. If you think I may be a tad paranoid, I actually have witnesses- who witnessed it before I was close friends with them and were unbiased until they made their own conclusions. It's her way, it's something she does. She's never tried to be friendly to me; she's never tried anything humane. Nothing happened where we knew each other and then she got mad about it. She never tried to get to know me, but simply turned me into a bullseye of some of the crap she previously aimed at her ex-husband.

Someone who is an abuser doesn't learn easily. They don't get the hint or understand that they should stop. They don't realize that they are damaging themselves by continuing the behavior and pushing people (including normal bystanders) away. They alienate themselves very easily, which she does with ease. She blames her problems on everyone else, and I am the biggest problem most of the time. And that is possibly never going to stop.

But I could have protected myself, and should have. I missed my opportunity to take action. An abuser can at least be contained, as many women are able to do to just an angry ex-spouse that shouldn't belong in the true abuse category. I was under the advisement of someone who naively thought that she had boundaries, ("I never thought she would ever do that..." is one of the things my shocked husband said at the time. "I never thought she was capable of trying to hurt someone," despite the fact that she was a rager- which means it was only a matter of time.) On top of that, your husband is driven by the fear that they will lose their kids. Many men fear taking action because they think it will cause retaliation. But your safety is being overlooked. You're both not thinking of it as a harassment personal issue against you and instead thinking of it as a custody issue. I shouldn't have been duped by the wrong female cop who said she would do a full report we could use later and didn't, and I shouldn't have waited for her to leave a mark on me. I shouldn't have had to endure years of her being way too close to me, following me, hovering over me, and making me feel trapped. None of it had to happen, and I didn't need to develop an ongoing anxiety problem.

Take action when you get the opportunity. Take action the first time. Take action the second time. Make sure that you do something, especially if it can be legal and official. Don't let the chance to control her back, and keep her away from you, pass you by. Ex-wives don't tolerate a sliver of this behavior from their exes, so take a page from their book instead of your husband's for this one.

Fearing Your Stepchild

My followers often comment that what I wrote is exactly what they were thinking or experiencing. I had that experience when reading an article from StepmomMag.com. The author described how her stepdaughter, who was still a child, was raised to think her stepmom was an idiot. Given that her stepmom is an idiot, she was trying to raise her half-sister- stepmom's new baby. How could an idiot stepmother properly care for her little sister, of course. This led to the stepdaughter not heading any directions, and one extremely scary situation that could have ended or impaired the baby's life.

This is actually something I've known about one of my own stepdaughters. I know that if I were to have a baby or adopt, she would consider herself more knowledgeable than I am. I've already seen minor cases of this for years in various arenas, such as her directives when caring for the pets I care for daily that she hardly sees.

When my stepdaughters were younger children, they informed me that I would be fine as a stepmom because they would teach me how to mother.

Right.

Thanks anyways.

So there's two types of actual fear of stepchildren that I've identified from years of reading other stepmoms' stories:

1. Fear that the stepchild will harm, and even kill, our own child
2. Fear that the stepchild will harm us

Sometime around last Christmas, I read a post in a Facebook group about a stepmom who's teenage stepchild put actual poison in her drink. Sounds like Snow White in reverse to me.

This is real, folks. It's also why stepmoms feels so misunderstood and alone, as usually nobody will believe how horrible our stepchildren can be to us or make us feel. Even their own fathers, witnessing the events, can be in complete denial. 

I don't think my stepkids will kill me, but I have sincerely feared one of my stepdaughter's violent tendencies. The first night I met her, I watched her strongly hit a family member repeatedly while playing a game. I learned quickly that her idea of play wasn't so much wrestling and rough-housing as it was "let's see how I can hurt stepmom". Play would turn into "chase stepmom" and laugh hideously about it, as I begged for her to stop. I avoided pools, or made sure to get into a pool when she wasn't nearby. As soon as she would start to come towards me, I would get out. This is because one time she was choking me underwater and just didn't understand why that was upsetting to me. "Stop" is not understood. I also know to stay away from her when she gets the same look in her eyes as those chasing sessions while wielding a bat. Yes, a bat. When she was younger, it was plastic bats. Now they're real bats. 

I'm not the only one, though. Her sister has been physically hurt by her for years, so I feel a bit of a bond to my younger stepdaughter in this way. It's just that my younger stepdaughter doesn't seem to know when to get out and walk away before it escalates, a typical little sibling problem. We brought up the physical bullying in court years ago and asked that we care for them more so that my younger stepdaughter was safer, and no one was interested.

My situation is slightly more odd than the usual stepmom hate that other stepmoms experience. My older stepdaughter is emotionally abused and was quite set-back by how badly the divorce of her parents was handled. I don't think she actually does want to "hurt" me (probably deep down, yes), but she does get a thrill out of scaring someone or upsetting them. She rough houses with her mom, who also was like this apparently, and it seems to be an odd form of bonding for them. So, it's possible she thinks that this would be appropriate with others like me, but I have no interested in that kind of "play" where I feel chased and scared. 

As I still hold some physical fear of one of my stepchildren, I'm not the expert to go to on how to fix this. Therapy is probably your best option, for everybody in the family as you need to cope, Dad needs to learn how to parent and learn what abuse is, and the children have some definite issues to workout.

I really just wanted to comment on these fears, and how they are based in reality.

My Wishlist

AKA Why I continue to function as an involved stepmom

My goal as a stepmom is for my skids to grow up to be competent, independent, intelligent human beings with an awareness of their world and others. My husband and I work together in the hope that they will have character and integrity, and the knowledge to use strength when they face those who do not.


Side hopes:

I pray that they will have a faith that keeps them stable, balanced, giving, humble and loving. I hope I am providing them with tools to know that faith will help them, to look to faith when they feel alone.


I hope that they are developing strength, and I encourage them to know that they have strength. My husband and I are constantly reminding them of their own will, power, and abilities because we know they do not think they have any.

I teach them to not continue in a cycle of abuse (and divorce). I help them to identify abusive situations and behaviors, and they tell me what they would do or what their friends could do. My experiences, stories, and advice will help them. This is a regular topic in our home, as there are always instances of abuse they witness in school and with friends, that are becoming clear applications in their own lives.

I hope they travel. So I make our family travel.

I hope they try new things, new people, new adventures, and even new lives every now and then. So we try new things, meet new people, and attempt new adventures regularly.

I wish that they will have enough respect and honor for their dad and his family that they will call him and visit them when they are adults. Unfortunately, that means I have to point out when they are not calling him. I see his pain, but they don't.

I wish that one day they will be able to identify hate, and walk away from it. Likewise, I wish that they will know forgiveness and use it. We're doing a lot to battle the hate they see and feel, and we're working on modeling forgiveness and discussing what it is.

I hope that at some point, they'll choose to see us or visit us. We talk about honoring family and how family will never leave, will always be there. We will pick them up if they need us, we will help out.

I wish that they will see through all the crap that other people put in their heads. I pray that one day, they will know themselves and their own identity. I also hope this comes sooner rather than later. I make a point of talking to them about their own goals and catching them when they say they are only one thing and are not considering the alternatives.

I pray that they find more love than their parents did- and are willing to work hard in a marriage. So, I love my husband. We discuss marriage, love, and biblical vows.

I hope that they choose to serve their community in some way, some day, by volunteering for a cause. This is why I volunteer and include them.

I really do hope they go to college, one they enjoy, and they have fun and grow away from home. I hope they find passion for something (or 10) and motivation for a life in pursuit of knowledge and personal betterment.


And these are the reasons why I remain active in their lives. Maybe if you know my intentions for my stepchildren, you'll know I am not so bad for them? But you wouldn't know that I wish these things for them if you don't listen to what I am concerned about (because we don't talk much because you've made your mind up about me from stories from other people or the kids themselves) or because you simply don't live in our home with us and aren't with us enough to know what I'm like, believe in, or teach. So, I thought I'd share it.

Sexist Hypocricy in Domestic Violence Views

If a woman is abused, in any way shape or form, we are very quick to encourage her to "get out." We don't question her, and we immediately think the worse. We assume she's not lying, and we don't want to delve deeper unless she's close to us or we're in a line of work that is required to do so. We think of how she must be broken, must need support, must need a safe shelter. We jump to sympathy immediately.

Men don't get the same reaction and can't claim the same treatment when the woman is the abuser. They are more likely to hide it and never talk about it, or they are confronted with, 1) disbelief, 2) judgement, 3) accusations of trying to hurt her (make her look bad, project, cast blame), the abuser herself. Why would they report the abuse if that's how we'll react?

We don't believe that a man can be broken like a woman can, and we still strongly hold a belief that a "man" can take care of himself. We forget that not all men are the same, not all men are capable of abuse themselves, and that abuse, as we know so well when it happens to women, breaks a person. Their self-esteem, hope, and will go down the drain. Male or female, abuse hurts, dismantles, destroys.

Some of us stepmoms/second-wives have seen this with our own husbands, myself included. Although he's a man, who looks strong (people assume he "must have been" a football player), no one would ever think that he could be abused. Although he's a man, who must be manly and tough, how could he really be effected by abuse? How could a man suffer like a woman could? Nah, not possible................Right? 

And if she did abuse him, he should have been able to handle it. If she did abuse him, maybe he started it. If she did abuse him, maybe he really caused it by being a bad husband and hurting her at some point. If she did abuse him, he's strong- He could have fought back or protected himself.....

A man may have the strength to "fight back" or "protect himself," but given our biases, who ends up in jail? How about a man who would never fight a woman, doesn't have it in him, and wouldn't even raise a hand? How about a man who is broken by abuse and used to the abuse, and therefore doesn't even know to fight back- much like a woman broken by abuse? We've all seen weak men, but even a strong-looking man can be weak on the inside when his marriage and home becomes a hell for him.

And sometimes, men marry strong women. Women can be strong, and big, and powerful, too. Not to mention, physical objects can help a woman with causing physical abuse. Read some domestic violence police reports, and you'll learn that every object in the house becomes a way for a woman to physically aggress. Women can be bullies (as every woman knows very well), and women can be abusers. (Child abuse from mothers? What? That happens?...Yeah, it does. Daily.) And is it OK for men to be mentally and emotionally abused, but not women? Can a wife escape mental and emotional abuse, but a man should stay?

When is it that we approve of when a man "gets out" of his marriage due to abuse? Is it one year? Three years? A decade? Was it OK for my husband to escape after 8-9 years of "trying", which I found to be 8 years of him losing his self-esteem and, well, self? I discovered his brokenness, I helped him through it simply by recognizing it and addressing it with love, and with the grace of God, he is a strong man (in mind and spirit) now, though he still battles some prior marriage self-esteem relapses. He thought that he could also rescue the kids from the abuse, but was unsuccessful due to the biases and views we still continue to ignorantly hold. The kids are still abused today, and when we try to tell their story and my husband's story, we're met by apathy, disbelief, and questions that show that the person just doesn't think it's "important anymore". ("That was how long ago?", in a tone of "Yeah, well, that wasn't yesterday, so the abuser must be fine now! Oh, and you should be over it by now..." Can you imagine telling an abused wife that what happened to her doesn't matter today, because that was a while ago?)

And yet, I overhear and am a part of conversations monthly, if not more, with and about women who "got out" and won child custody in court due to the "abuse" (any type) they endured. We don't question them, and we deeply care with sympathy in return. We applaud them for their bravery, and shake our heads in dismay when she tells us she didn't get the kids for more time or that the dad still sees them occasionally.

These are the only people I've talked to that understand immediately, without judgement and question: 1) Divorced men themselves, who endured it themselves or have guy friends who have, 2) Stepmoms like me, who discovered what was going on deep down inside of their new husbands and then helped them back into the world, and 3) Family members (usually mothers) of the men who were abused in their marriages. These are the only people that seem to know the truth, and not hold the bias that a man should be strong and the false understanding that men don't get abused by their wives or that it's "not as bad", and therefore should be overlooked completely.

A man may not report to you what happened in his marriage and how he was harmed. He doesn't want to make himself look weak, and men don't even recognize when they're being abused by a woman. You'll hear it in different ways from him, like "she yells a lot" or "she gets angry" or in various small stories. The reason why I recognized what happened to my husband as what it was? I had been abused (just a bit, for a much shorter period of time) before and then learned more about what abuse was. The more I got to know my husband, the more I saw what he had gone through. I knew right away what it was, because I'm a woman and educators in our society focus on informing us, as women, what abuse is and how to see it. Men, on the other hand, know that the information is directed towards women or are not included in those info sessions. Why would they know what it is?

Be aware. Don't cast judgement on a man you don't know by asking questions that belittle his horrible experience. And know that some abusers claim that the other person was the abuser, in order to get scrutiny off of them. The children know which parent is the actual abuser, but can't report it to the court mediator, their other parent (even though the other parent will know what's going on)...because they will get abused. And some children are manipulated by the abuser to project it to the other parent. Children, as well as men, don't know that they're being abused and that they're in a cycle that keeps them from getting out.

The WTF Moment from Shrink4Men

I've found a number of great articles on Shrink4Men.com. As a stepmom and second wife, I've witnessed the aftermath of an abusive marriage. I also see the manipulative emotional abuse of my stepchildren, and daily feel the wrath of a hateful person that was once married to my husband and is angry that he managed to get out of an eternal hell where he was the sacrifice but where she maintained complete control. I strongly encourage men in abusive marriages, dealing with divorce, or dealing with the aftermath of divorce, to read articles on the Shrink4Men site. And stepmoms, you'll enjoy it too as you'll understand your husband a little more, what he went through, and why he may act so weird each time you have an argument. We definitely picked up a LOT of baggage.

http://www.shrink4men.com/2012/02/09/relationship-stages-abusive-women-and-the-wtf-moment-part-two/Shrink4Men: Relationship Stages, Abusive Women, and the WTF Moment