Hey, Stepmom!
Its OK to go to your room and let your hubby have time with his kids.
Its OK to go out.
Its OK to do things on your own, even though your husband wants you to "be a part of the family." Tell him you'll be a part of the family tomorrow.
Sometimes you just need to walk away and be in your own realm, where less crazy happens (hopefully).
Its OK to wish you had your own kids. It's OK to look into adoption. It's OK to ask to go out with friends on the night when the skids are coming over.
It's OK to take yourself out to the restaurant you miss.
Its OK to let him be with his kids tonight. And even tomorrow.
Its OK to ask him to take the skids out to a festival today, while you read, rest, exercise, and whatever you haven't been doing in ages.
Its OK to read the paper in peace.
Its OK to watch your favorite TV show that bores everyone else in the house.
Speaking of which, its OK to put a TV in your bedroom but not in the kids' rooms, so you can have your own sanity.
Its OK to put some headphones on and listen to your happy music at the game so you don't have to listen to your husband's ex scream out nonsense.
Its OK to support your skids in your own way and not attend everything.
Its OK to drop your skids off at practice, run an errand, and then come back to get them.
Its OK to take your skids to events that you want to go to. Normal kids go with their parents to things that the parents want to go to; just because you're a stepmom, or because you have limited custody, doesn't mean that the kids can't learn to deal at events that aren't all about them!
Its OK to ask your husband to enforce things. It's OK to ask him to eat vegetables in front of them so they know that even Dad eats vegetables. It's OK to ask that your husband turn down the volume on the video game, so that you don't flipppppp out!
Its OK to get your stepkids into your things. It's OK to introduce them to your world, and maybe one day, it will change their lives.
Its OK to ask your stepkids to bring their friends over, so you can get to know your skids in another (sometimes super weird...) way.
Its OK to volunteer at your skids' school, if you want to. Its OK to cheer them on, your own way.
Its OK to retreat. Its OK to not want to see one of your steps for a bit. Its OK to ask that your husband deal with it and not you.
And, at the same time, its OK for you to develop a relationship with your skids.
Its OK. Just be OK. Know that you are OK. You are not crazy, insane, or the only one. We have been through it before, too. We're here for you, and feel free to message me or join those stepmom groups out there so you can truly see how not-alone you are.
Its OK to completely disregard the advice of people who have nooooo clue.
Showing posts with label stepmom. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stepmom. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 12, 2015
The Night of A Stepmom, The Fears of the Alienated
I sit in fear
Waiting for them to come over.
I fret and stress
Knowing it will be any minute.
I feel the anxiety shoot
through my skull.
I feel my heart beating
my pulse pulsating
and my breathing struggle.
They have rooms here
things here
half their lives here
But I call to ask that he take them out to dinner tonight.
Tonight I can't do it.
Tonight I can't fake it.
Tonight I'm afraid of saying what I want to say.
If I say what I feel,
he could lose them.
If I say what I want to say,
what they need to hear,
he may not support me.
If I tell them how they hurt me,
I will stand alone.
It falls on deaf, young ears.
I am shamed by others not here.
They can take what is said
my feelings,
my heart
back to their mom.
I am a horrible person
who never should feel what I feel,
she tells them.
I can give and give, but I should not expect to receive love. Ever.
I need to be alone.
I need to leave the room.
I need to leave the house,
but there's not really anywhere to go tonight.
I need to be away. I need them to be away. I need to walk away.
I need to shut up. I need to keep my feelings to myself,
because that is the only way.
This family stays together by burying the hurts sometimes.
He hurts, but he hides it from them.
I hurt, but I hide it from them.
We talk to them sometimes about the hurt,
but they are too young.
Our hurts are now translated into
expectations.
They are older. They are to learn, now.
We fear they will grow,
move,
marry,
and we will not be included.
If we don't teach them now
that we count.
If we don't teach them now,
that we are here.
If we don't teach them now,
that they are important to us.
If we don't teach them now,
that they have us.
We are family, too. We have to teach them
that we are family, too.
Waiting for them to come over.
I fret and stress
Knowing it will be any minute.
I feel the anxiety shoot
through my skull.
I feel my heart beating
my pulse pulsating
and my breathing struggle.
They have rooms here
things here
half their lives here
But I call to ask that he take them out to dinner tonight.
Tonight I can't do it.
Tonight I can't fake it.
Tonight I'm afraid of saying what I want to say.
If I say what I feel,
he could lose them.
If I say what I want to say,
what they need to hear,
he may not support me.
If I tell them how they hurt me,
I will stand alone.
It falls on deaf, young ears.
I am shamed by others not here.
They can take what is said
my feelings,
my heart
back to their mom.
I am a horrible person
who never should feel what I feel,
she tells them.
I can give and give, but I should not expect to receive love. Ever.
I need to be alone.
I need to leave the room.
I need to leave the house,
but there's not really anywhere to go tonight.
I need to be away. I need them to be away. I need to walk away.
I need to shut up. I need to keep my feelings to myself,
because that is the only way.
This family stays together by burying the hurts sometimes.
He hurts, but he hides it from them.
I hurt, but I hide it from them.
We talk to them sometimes about the hurt,
but they are too young.
Our hurts are now translated into
expectations.
They are older. They are to learn, now.
We fear they will grow,
move,
marry,
and we will not be included.
If we don't teach them now
that we count.
If we don't teach them now,
that we are here.
If we don't teach them now,
that they are important to us.
If we don't teach them now,
that they have us.
We are family, too. We have to teach them
that we are family, too.
Saturday, May 2, 2015
Young Stepmom, Old(er) Stepkids
One of the odd things about being a stepmom is that often times you are younger.
Well, not always. Definitely a myth that continues to be dispelled:
There are three solid camps, each with their own set of skills, frame of mind, and challenges for being a stepmom fit:
The younger you are in comparison to your husband, the older your stepkids could be. If I had had my stepkids, I would have been in high school for the first. Us younger 2nd/3rd brides enjoy the experience of moms at school asking if we are our stepkids' sisters or nannies. (Which older women, usually way after the moment of insane embarrassment, point out is something we should frankly take complete glee in. True, especially now that I look back...)
The younger stepmom initially, or maybe all along, enjoys a feeling of a closer understanding to the kids. (Not always the case though, or is a sensation that can come and go.) You may not have had the kids, but you aren't all that far off from them. You may remember what it felt like a little easier than the parents seem to- maybe because you didn't watch them grow from infancy on. There's just something different. You just seem to recall what it is like to be their age a little easier or quicker than the parents do, especially if they are girls.
There is this truly interesting dynamic as a (young-ish) stepmom of teenaged girls. I feel continually perplexed by the things they do and want to know what is happening, asking my husband to step up the wise-parenting in the situation a little more- while simultaneously experiencing personal flashbacks to when I was their age (which sadly sometimes feels like it wasn't long ago at all) and realizing that I did the same damn thing to my parents that is currently driving me nuts about the kid that isn't really "mine"....
It's enough to make me simply walk away, get a drink, or give up in surrender watching some TV show addiction on Chromecast. At the same time, I'm totally worried about what is happening, where they are, and if their stupid boyfriend is there. Etc. Etc.
In all, you learn why parents go crazy. You also feel like you shouldn't feel this freaking old. Like it's totally more unfair for you to be dealing with this right now, because just yesterday (mmkay, 10 years ago, Miss Denial) you were in college... Admit it: You totally have moments of feeling much "cooler" than this situation warrants. It's one of our out-of-place moments.
Sometimes you totally feel validated as a stepmom, though. There are some perks. There are times where your stepkids, as teens, will seek you out with friends. It is possible, and does happen, that your teen may actually realize you're the one adult to go to for certain advice. I am now the person that one of my stepdaughters steers her friends to for dealing with particular problems she knows I've experienced. It's super cool, and also something I always wanted from being a stepmom. Yeah, I idiotically always hoped that I would be a source of knowledge, wisdom, and/or solace for these young people one day.... Finally that is paying off! (Ok, for now....May not last. This one is still a young teen.)
As a church youth leader for churches in my adult life and a camp counselor before, I have always seen myself as a mentor and completely envisioned myself that way for my stepdaughters "one day." I am fairly certain I even told my husband this "plan." Hahahaha. I realize how stupid I was to have such lofty goals, when in honesty, as a stepmom in a contentious, partial custody situation, you should just hope that your stepkids show you an ounce of respect.
I'm also struggling with the fact that our stepkids don't automatically or naturally invite their friends over. This is likely to sound nuts to many of you, as I know many of you feel like there are enough kids in your house as it is, but I also envisioned being the welcoming, fun parent with the house where people hung out. We have only achieved that on a very minor level, when they have official sleepovers. Sometimes they are fine with one friend pretty much living with us for 24-72 hours, but then we're a little confused when weekend after weekend, study groups and sleepovers are at other houses on a regular basis.
We know to not take it too personally, though. 1) We had a much smaller house before (though, that didn't bother them one bit for sleepover parties), 2) No pool. Pretty common to be the cool house if you have a pool. 3) I buy healthy food. But, we have purposely bought junk food in the past to show them that inviting friends over = unhealthy time! (yay!...?) 3) Houses closer to their schools seem to be easy winners. Most kids can walk there, etc. 4) They grew up and lived primarily with a family that does not invite people over. Social time was not encouraged by their mom. Inviting people over was a special exception, with very limited time frames. So, we feel they have been basically trained to not automatically invite people over.
But, we have encouraged clearly, and it is getting better. We've have accommodated. We have very busy weekends sometimes, and will keep encouraging. Amusingly, despite wanting our home to be welcoming to friend hangouts, I have a strange, tendency to turn semi-anti-social last minute and escape to my room with a glass (no, not bottle) of wine or errands around town. I don't know what to make of that exactly... But my husband handles it well, despite wondering why in the heck he's suddenly alone facilitating activities until midnight. (Ok, admittedly, kind of funny. Possibly subconscious payback? Stepmom indirect practical joke?)
Anyways, this territory is interesting. I'm waiting for the studies on it.
Well, not always. Definitely a myth that continues to be dispelled:
There are three solid camps, each with their own set of skills, frame of mind, and challenges for being a stepmom fit:
- Worked their education and career, waited for marriage and the truly right man- who just happened to have been married before. (Age, in comparison to husband, varies rather widely!)
- Married before, it really didn't work out, but now you've found your right match. (Usually similar age, and the coolest stories are those that were high school sweethearts originally, in my personal opinion...)
- Me. Young(ish?) bride, first marriage, to a man who is starting all over. (Age: Usually younger to much younger.)
The younger you are in comparison to your husband, the older your stepkids could be. If I had had my stepkids, I would have been in high school for the first. Us younger 2nd/3rd brides enjoy the experience of moms at school asking if we are our stepkids' sisters or nannies. (Which older women, usually way after the moment of insane embarrassment, point out is something we should frankly take complete glee in. True, especially now that I look back...)
The younger stepmom initially, or maybe all along, enjoys a feeling of a closer understanding to the kids. (Not always the case though, or is a sensation that can come and go.) You may not have had the kids, but you aren't all that far off from them. You may remember what it felt like a little easier than the parents seem to- maybe because you didn't watch them grow from infancy on. There's just something different. You just seem to recall what it is like to be their age a little easier or quicker than the parents do, especially if they are girls.
There is this truly interesting dynamic as a (young-ish) stepmom of teenaged girls. I feel continually perplexed by the things they do and want to know what is happening, asking my husband to step up the wise-parenting in the situation a little more- while simultaneously experiencing personal flashbacks to when I was their age (which sadly sometimes feels like it wasn't long ago at all) and realizing that I did the same damn thing to my parents that is currently driving me nuts about the kid that isn't really "mine"....
It's enough to make me simply walk away, get a drink, or give up in surrender watching some TV show addiction on Chromecast. At the same time, I'm totally worried about what is happening, where they are, and if their stupid boyfriend is there. Etc. Etc.
In all, you learn why parents go crazy. You also feel like you shouldn't feel this freaking old. Like it's totally more unfair for you to be dealing with this right now, because just yesterday (mmkay, 10 years ago, Miss Denial) you were in college... Admit it: You totally have moments of feeling much "cooler" than this situation warrants. It's one of our out-of-place moments.
Sometimes you totally feel validated as a stepmom, though. There are some perks. There are times where your stepkids, as teens, will seek you out with friends. It is possible, and does happen, that your teen may actually realize you're the one adult to go to for certain advice. I am now the person that one of my stepdaughters steers her friends to for dealing with particular problems she knows I've experienced. It's super cool, and also something I always wanted from being a stepmom. Yeah, I idiotically always hoped that I would be a source of knowledge, wisdom, and/or solace for these young people one day.... Finally that is paying off! (Ok, for now....May not last. This one is still a young teen.)
As a church youth leader for churches in my adult life and a camp counselor before, I have always seen myself as a mentor and completely envisioned myself that way for my stepdaughters "one day." I am fairly certain I even told my husband this "plan." Hahahaha. I realize how stupid I was to have such lofty goals, when in honesty, as a stepmom in a contentious, partial custody situation, you should just hope that your stepkids show you an ounce of respect.
I'm also struggling with the fact that our stepkids don't automatically or naturally invite their friends over. This is likely to sound nuts to many of you, as I know many of you feel like there are enough kids in your house as it is, but I also envisioned being the welcoming, fun parent with the house where people hung out. We have only achieved that on a very minor level, when they have official sleepovers. Sometimes they are fine with one friend pretty much living with us for 24-72 hours, but then we're a little confused when weekend after weekend, study groups and sleepovers are at other houses on a regular basis.
We know to not take it too personally, though. 1) We had a much smaller house before (though, that didn't bother them one bit for sleepover parties), 2) No pool. Pretty common to be the cool house if you have a pool. 3) I buy healthy food. But, we have purposely bought junk food in the past to show them that inviting friends over = unhealthy time! (yay!...?) 3) Houses closer to their schools seem to be easy winners. Most kids can walk there, etc. 4) They grew up and lived primarily with a family that does not invite people over. Social time was not encouraged by their mom. Inviting people over was a special exception, with very limited time frames. So, we feel they have been basically trained to not automatically invite people over.
But, we have encouraged clearly, and it is getting better. We've have accommodated. We have very busy weekends sometimes, and will keep encouraging. Amusingly, despite wanting our home to be welcoming to friend hangouts, I have a strange, tendency to turn semi-anti-social last minute and escape to my room with a glass (no, not bottle) of wine or errands around town. I don't know what to make of that exactly... But my husband handles it well, despite wondering why in the heck he's suddenly alone facilitating activities until midnight. (Ok, admittedly, kind of funny. Possibly subconscious payback? Stepmom indirect practical joke?)
Anyways, this territory is interesting. I'm waiting for the studies on it.
Wednesday, April 29, 2015
Custody In the Summertime
Summer planning has always been my art since becoming a stepmom. My husband was good at going to movies, bowling alleys, and parks- last minute. Otherwise, all trips, camps, etc. start with my whirlwind of thorough research, nights of staring at our calendar(s), and debating- in my head- what we should do.
Summer planning as a stepfamily with partial custody is, as you know, an insanely painful process in itself. Summers, also, are somewhat insane. Some of you have the kids all summer and have very mixed feelings about that, to say the least. Others of you see your stepkids leave for the summer, and although it is enjoyable, you do discover that you miss them. In our world, we were granted every other week with them- only in the summer- about 5 years ago.
That made every other week the only time we could shove in as much summer fun, camps, and other special things we could never do with them during the every-other-weekend-pitiful-painful-pittance schedule the rest of the year. It was this major deal for us to be able to see them morning after night after morning, at home. It was so awesome to be able to sign them up for camps for activities they always wanted to learn but were not allowed to because of their mom's (lack of) required approval (or lack of communication whatsoever). They could do VBS, or volunteer at VBS. They could go on a church trip! They could see us, we could see them, tomorrow! And two days after that!
It was a mix of stress and fitting in things plus complete, amazing joy and ease. Summer weeks were never a painful struggle of awkwardness. The only pain was wishing we could have more time, do more, have this year around. Things were sometimes so nice, it was depressing to realize we only had these special weeks a handful of times. Depending on the summer, it was about 5 weeks. It felt like 3.
Now that we have one skid 50/50 year around for the first time, I just realized how less stressful summer will be knowing that it will finally continue. I won't have to shove in doctors and dentists appointments in the summer. I won't have to feel like "our only chance is now" for the first time ever. (Although, then again, one feels that sentiment a little less when they are no longer kids and have busy teen lives...Still, there's the creeping feeling of "we only have a few years left" in there and a much, much tighter timeframe nearly gone with the elder.)
Looking back, realizing the difference of having a fair parenting schedule compared to what we used to have, and how much more logical it feels all around...It is so sad that our justice system perpetuates ridiculous parenting shared custody schedules. We had so much to offer, and we barely had the time to offer it. We were not prisoners, drug addicts, abusers. We were fully employed, capable, willing. Although I know the history, I will never understand in my heart why so many families have to endure so much pain at the mercy of a judge, mediator, or insane spouse.
viva equal custody! viva summer!
Summer planning as a stepfamily with partial custody is, as you know, an insanely painful process in itself. Summers, also, are somewhat insane. Some of you have the kids all summer and have very mixed feelings about that, to say the least. Others of you see your stepkids leave for the summer, and although it is enjoyable, you do discover that you miss them. In our world, we were granted every other week with them- only in the summer- about 5 years ago.
That made every other week the only time we could shove in as much summer fun, camps, and other special things we could never do with them during the every-other-weekend-pitiful-painful-pittance schedule the rest of the year. It was this major deal for us to be able to see them morning after night after morning, at home. It was so awesome to be able to sign them up for camps for activities they always wanted to learn but were not allowed to because of their mom's (lack of) required approval (or lack of communication whatsoever). They could do VBS, or volunteer at VBS. They could go on a church trip! They could see us, we could see them, tomorrow! And two days after that!
It was a mix of stress and fitting in things plus complete, amazing joy and ease. Summer weeks were never a painful struggle of awkwardness. The only pain was wishing we could have more time, do more, have this year around. Things were sometimes so nice, it was depressing to realize we only had these special weeks a handful of times. Depending on the summer, it was about 5 weeks. It felt like 3.
Now that we have one skid 50/50 year around for the first time, I just realized how less stressful summer will be knowing that it will finally continue. I won't have to shove in doctors and dentists appointments in the summer. I won't have to feel like "our only chance is now" for the first time ever. (Although, then again, one feels that sentiment a little less when they are no longer kids and have busy teen lives...Still, there's the creeping feeling of "we only have a few years left" in there and a much, much tighter timeframe nearly gone with the elder.)
Looking back, realizing the difference of having a fair parenting schedule compared to what we used to have, and how much more logical it feels all around...It is so sad that our justice system perpetuates ridiculous parenting shared custody schedules. We had so much to offer, and we barely had the time to offer it. We were not prisoners, drug addicts, abusers. We were fully employed, capable, willing. Although I know the history, I will never understand in my heart why so many families have to endure so much pain at the mercy of a judge, mediator, or insane spouse.
viva equal custody! viva summer!
Friday, April 17, 2015
Passive (Step)Teen Parenting?
Teenagers. Teenagers.
They're tough for regular parents, but double the puzzle for a stepmom.
Do you leave them alone?
Do you ask?
Do you have your husband ask?
Do you ask their friends?
Do you create a false fire to make them flee their rooms once and for all?
Can you take away the car keys? Or is that sacriliege? (Unlike every other person of authority in their lives...)
Do they EVEN have a curfew!?
Are you up at night wondering where your stepkid is, while your spouse sleeps soundly?
Are you the one who asks where the teenagers went to, with who, and where?
Yeah, I feel ya.
My husband is in teen dad training. He doesn't seem to have expected teenaged girls one day. I was becoming a more hands off parent...And then they turned into teenaged girls, both, at once.
So... I'm "helping" him "remember" to ask where they are going, with whom, for how long, when they will be home...
And not accepting shrugs as responses.
Oh, so much to learn.
Why do I care? Well, usually I already had dinner planned, tickets to something or other, and chores we discussed earlier that they needed to do before setting foot out the door.
Then throw in the complication of minimal custody. Well, then you have a father who feels hurt each and every time his kids walk out the door unless he's had just a little bit of time with them. I see the sadness, I get the brunt of any repressed anger, and I watch him pretend it was all OK when they walk back in the door moody, sullen, and exhausted from friend/boyfriend drama and no-sleep-sleepovers.
Is it so bad to help your husband parent? No. You just need to help him understand and not make him look stupid in front of other people or his kids. That is hard, mind you, but there's an entire book called "Love & Respect" if you're poor in that category. It's tough, but doable. Love your husband, pray for him, and help him remember the Daddy role of protecting his young- even if they can drive now. If he's not "getting it" when it comes to his daughters- as most men don't seem to- get him the book "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters." He will regret not being a father to them when they needed it otherwise, and they will resent him for not being there as a strong presence, even if silent but clearly noticeable.
And if he doesn't trust your advice or parenting at all, please get therapy from a therapist who has also been a stepmom- pronto. Before it's too late- as he doesn't understand you are helping a lot, yet. Make sure your marriage comes first. (Contact me if you want a discount to the FamilyLife Marriage conference, Weekend To Remember. http://www.familylife.com/wtrfall14)
While at the FamilyLife conference, my husband bought a very, very short and easy-to-read book called "Interviewing Your Daughter's Date: 30 Minutes Man to Man" by Dennis Rainey. I had it on his Amazon wishlist for years, but he realized it was time- with both girls in relationships suddenly, and he could barely get their boyfriend's names! Within minutes, he was cracking up at Rainey's stories. Every dad of a daughter needs a little bit of support, guidance, or reminders- especially if it can come from wise mentors who aren't seen as a nagging wife!
They're tough for regular parents, but double the puzzle for a stepmom.
Do you leave them alone?
Do you ask?
Do you have your husband ask?
Do you ask their friends?
Do you create a false fire to make them flee their rooms once and for all?
Can you take away the car keys? Or is that sacriliege? (Unlike every other person of authority in their lives...)
Do they EVEN have a curfew!?
Are you up at night wondering where your stepkid is, while your spouse sleeps soundly?
Are you the one who asks where the teenagers went to, with who, and where?
Yeah, I feel ya.
My husband is in teen dad training. He doesn't seem to have expected teenaged girls one day. I was becoming a more hands off parent...And then they turned into teenaged girls, both, at once.
So... I'm "helping" him "remember" to ask where they are going, with whom, for how long, when they will be home...
And not accepting shrugs as responses.
Oh, so much to learn.
Why do I care? Well, usually I already had dinner planned, tickets to something or other, and chores we discussed earlier that they needed to do before setting foot out the door.
Then throw in the complication of minimal custody. Well, then you have a father who feels hurt each and every time his kids walk out the door unless he's had just a little bit of time with them. I see the sadness, I get the brunt of any repressed anger, and I watch him pretend it was all OK when they walk back in the door moody, sullen, and exhausted from friend/boyfriend drama and no-sleep-sleepovers.
Is it so bad to help your husband parent? No. You just need to help him understand and not make him look stupid in front of other people or his kids. That is hard, mind you, but there's an entire book called "Love & Respect" if you're poor in that category. It's tough, but doable. Love your husband, pray for him, and help him remember the Daddy role of protecting his young- even if they can drive now. If he's not "getting it" when it comes to his daughters- as most men don't seem to- get him the book "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters." He will regret not being a father to them when they needed it otherwise, and they will resent him for not being there as a strong presence, even if silent but clearly noticeable.
And if he doesn't trust your advice or parenting at all, please get therapy from a therapist who has also been a stepmom- pronto. Before it's too late- as he doesn't understand you are helping a lot, yet. Make sure your marriage comes first. (Contact me if you want a discount to the FamilyLife Marriage conference, Weekend To Remember. http://www.familylife.com/wtrfall14)
While at the FamilyLife conference, my husband bought a very, very short and easy-to-read book called "Interviewing Your Daughter's Date: 30 Minutes Man to Man" by Dennis Rainey. I had it on his Amazon wishlist for years, but he realized it was time- with both girls in relationships suddenly, and he could barely get their boyfriend's names! Within minutes, he was cracking up at Rainey's stories. Every dad of a daughter needs a little bit of support, guidance, or reminders- especially if it can come from wise mentors who aren't seen as a nagging wife!
Monday, April 13, 2015
Fostering System vs Stepparenting
I am taking foster licensing classes.
Wow. It is overwhelming.
Except, as a Stepmom...I feel like I already have about 70% of it down.
I have not fostered a child before. I have had friends who have fostered and adopted, and I have fostered a lot of furbabies. But honestly, the fostering system is not all that unfamiliar to those of us stepmoms who have dealt with the classiest of biomoms (and their respective families).
Similarities I have learned thus far (and feel entirely more comfortable with than the rest of the people sitting in the training classes):
In the meantime, some other interesting observations...
I have occasionally mentioned my interest in adopting from the foster system to others, and have very rarely received this response:
I tell them, "Well, because, I figure it won't be worse than this." I really do see it that way. I figure that we did this messy, split home, crazy ex, manipulated angry kids, lost in court, etc. etc. thing already, and we are stronger for it. I felt so much pain for my husband, and I watched his pain. Everybody suffered, but fostering to adopt a child from another broken home that isn't anyone's ex spouse seems easier, frankly. We also learned we have a lot to offer kids and feel like there was a big hole during the vacancy of my stepkids' lives. We often thought of how we would parent, if we could.
It does seem harder in some ways, such as getting your house officially approved. That is a bit daunting, and I see why people would never be able to foster if they couldn't afford to pay for their pool to be surrounded by a specific type of gate. You also have to, by law, stop things such as smoking. We have to figure out how to lock up certain things, and have spaces and furniture specific to the age of the potential incoming child.
But that all makes me wonder: Boy, that's a lot of requirements for a foster house, which I understand but... Why aren't some of these same requirements for a home, living situation considered in contentious divorces? Why wouldn't some of these same expectations be used for determining the safety of a child when it is unclear to the court which home is best? Some states require classes prior to divorce or family court, but beyond that, we would have had to pay for a home study (around $2-4,000 here) in order for that to be used as court-decision-making factors (which you absolutely should do, if you can afford it). And did anyone over 18 living in the residences ever get "live scanned" and TB tested when you went through family court?
If some of these standards, applied by the state and followed by the courts, were used in family court.....
Maybe my friend's stepdaughter wouldn't have lived on a couch for a couple of years, wherever her mom could crash.
Maybe less child abusers would be allowed to live in the same home or have "regular contact" with your child at his/her mom's house.
Maybe we would have been able to actually talk to the kids on a phone, and the kids would have been told by someone else that they were able to talk to us by phone. At least.
Wow. It is overwhelming.
Except, as a Stepmom...I feel like I already have about 70% of it down.
I have not fostered a child before. I have had friends who have fostered and adopted, and I have fostered a lot of furbabies. But honestly, the fostering system is not all that unfamiliar to those of us stepmoms who have dealt with the classiest of biomoms (and their respective families).
Similarities I have learned thus far (and feel entirely more comfortable with than the rest of the people sitting in the training classes):
- Court. Court court courty court. Judges. Child advocates. Social Workers. Lots o' Social Workers, with temporary jobs along the cyclical path.
- Visitation. The reason is different, but the concept is the same. Making your life work around a court ordered visitation. Handing kids over to someone you fear (or know) will hurt them. Dealing with the aftermath of the visit and helping the child transition back.
- Kids who have been traumatized- and you're the home that will help them get over the hurdles, grow healthy, lead productive lives. (Some people don't believe that it is our obligation, but, yeah, often it is. The world will not get better if no one takes responsibility for kids living in their own household, even if they are not blood. Oh wait, did I just explain the purpose of the foster system in the first place? And connect it to stepparenting? Oh, snap!)
- Trying to understand kids that are not yours.
- Dealing with parents, even if only indirectly, who have really screwed up and may lose their children completely. Parents whom you need to attempt to make a decent communication line to, if just to help the child (and reduce false complaints against you...)
- Changing your home in a major way to accommodate a stranger, court orders, state law.
- Limited babysitting and travel options, as they must be approved by an outside force prior and not interfere with visitation
- High chance of the parent(s) filing a complaint against you
- An obligation (requirement, actually) to learn more about kids, development, parenting, and emotional abuse than any regular parent would ever bother with.
In the meantime, some other interesting observations...
I have occasionally mentioned my interest in adopting from the foster system to others, and have very rarely received this response:
<pure shock> "But, you've already been through so much. Why in the world would you want to put yourself through that, too?"That reaction is coming from someone who has really, really understood, seen, or experienced the pain of stepmothering themselves. (Yes, being specific to stepmothering, only.) On top of that, they also understand how hard adopting from the foster system can be. They are showing me a very emotional response. They are right.
I tell them, "Well, because, I figure it won't be worse than this." I really do see it that way. I figure that we did this messy, split home, crazy ex, manipulated angry kids, lost in court, etc. etc. thing already, and we are stronger for it. I felt so much pain for my husband, and I watched his pain. Everybody suffered, but fostering to adopt a child from another broken home that isn't anyone's ex spouse seems easier, frankly. We also learned we have a lot to offer kids and feel like there was a big hole during the vacancy of my stepkids' lives. We often thought of how we would parent, if we could.
It does seem harder in some ways, such as getting your house officially approved. That is a bit daunting, and I see why people would never be able to foster if they couldn't afford to pay for their pool to be surrounded by a specific type of gate. You also have to, by law, stop things such as smoking. We have to figure out how to lock up certain things, and have spaces and furniture specific to the age of the potential incoming child.
But that all makes me wonder: Boy, that's a lot of requirements for a foster house, which I understand but... Why aren't some of these same requirements for a home, living situation considered in contentious divorces? Why wouldn't some of these same expectations be used for determining the safety of a child when it is unclear to the court which home is best? Some states require classes prior to divorce or family court, but beyond that, we would have had to pay for a home study (around $2-4,000 here) in order for that to be used as court-decision-making factors (which you absolutely should do, if you can afford it). And did anyone over 18 living in the residences ever get "live scanned" and TB tested when you went through family court?
If some of these standards, applied by the state and followed by the courts, were used in family court.....
Maybe my friend's stepdaughter wouldn't have lived on a couch for a couple of years, wherever her mom could crash.
Maybe less child abusers would be allowed to live in the same home or have "regular contact" with your child at his/her mom's house.
Maybe we would have been able to actually talk to the kids on a phone, and the kids would have been told by someone else that they were able to talk to us by phone. At least.
Sunday, January 25, 2015
Suffering with Your Husband
I realized there are two ways to see things:
Take 1: I lost out on opportunities because I married a man with kids, who needed to live near his kids. I needed to help make money to keep our lives at a level I wanted, and we cannot move to follow careers. I rushed to get a job rather than waiting out the right one. My career has gone in a direction I didn't expect, my goals of success are not where I thought they would be (recession anyone?) and my husband is partly to blame.
I also have had to endure a lot of crap I never needed to deal with and barely, if at all, handled. Marrying a man with kids was insanely challenging, his ex wife turned out to be a nightmare, and the world is just crazy when you're a stepmom.
I had a choice, I chose this, sort of, and I can blame him and his prior choices for how hard things have been.
Take 2: When you marry someone, you suffer with them when they go through hell.
My husband went through hell in his prior marriage, which he learned pretty early on was a mistake but there were children involved. Then, he had off and on hell afterwards, as his ex wanted to control him, his kids, and his new wife. She continued to make his life miserable, and he stated that half of his life was still hell and the other half of his life was what he always wanted, filled with love and opportunity.
I suffered with him, as his spouse and best friend, when he lost custody without any logic or reason. I suffered with him as he dealt with a crazy person whom he once loved. I stood by him, when he was attacked. I am here, with him, and went through his worst years.
One day, I could have cancer. One day, he could have cancer. We suffer through each others' horrible bosses and jobs that hold us back. We struggle with the mix of our career, personal goals, and the obligation to family- which we would have if we had had our own kids, as well. We are in it together.
I asked my mom one time why she didn't at least try to talk me out of marrying my husband. She said, "Everybody has baggage; you just know what his is already." That has turned out to be very, very true. I had boyfriends whose issues came out after a year or two, and those issues were internal, mental, and scary. This man I married, on the other hand, doesn't have scary stuff going on in his head. I have not been surprised by hidden range, alcoholism, addiction, mental illness. (He probably, on the other hand, has been surprised by mine. =) )
He puts up with me and still loves me. He will see me through illnesses. I saw him through post-divorce, raising girls, and now raising teenagers. What if you had a crazy ex that never left you alone? You'd want your husband to stand by you and not give up on you, right? Honestly, the comparison is quite similar. Family issues, huge life decisions, what have you. Suffering comes in many forms.
He'll be here for me. I felt his pain with him.
I also can see the choices I made were the choices I made. I absolutely can't blame my husband for my career choices, and he had complete faith in my abilities to do whatever I wanted and reach my goals despite a recession, stepkids, moving, and health problems. We make our choices, I chose my husband, and I have suffered with him. Which is what we are expected to do in marriage.
Take 1: I lost out on opportunities because I married a man with kids, who needed to live near his kids. I needed to help make money to keep our lives at a level I wanted, and we cannot move to follow careers. I rushed to get a job rather than waiting out the right one. My career has gone in a direction I didn't expect, my goals of success are not where I thought they would be (recession anyone?) and my husband is partly to blame.
I also have had to endure a lot of crap I never needed to deal with and barely, if at all, handled. Marrying a man with kids was insanely challenging, his ex wife turned out to be a nightmare, and the world is just crazy when you're a stepmom.
I had a choice, I chose this, sort of, and I can blame him and his prior choices for how hard things have been.
Take 2: When you marry someone, you suffer with them when they go through hell.
My husband went through hell in his prior marriage, which he learned pretty early on was a mistake but there were children involved. Then, he had off and on hell afterwards, as his ex wanted to control him, his kids, and his new wife. She continued to make his life miserable, and he stated that half of his life was still hell and the other half of his life was what he always wanted, filled with love and opportunity.
I suffered with him, as his spouse and best friend, when he lost custody without any logic or reason. I suffered with him as he dealt with a crazy person whom he once loved. I stood by him, when he was attacked. I am here, with him, and went through his worst years.
One day, I could have cancer. One day, he could have cancer. We suffer through each others' horrible bosses and jobs that hold us back. We struggle with the mix of our career, personal goals, and the obligation to family- which we would have if we had had our own kids, as well. We are in it together.
I asked my mom one time why she didn't at least try to talk me out of marrying my husband. She said, "Everybody has baggage; you just know what his is already." That has turned out to be very, very true. I had boyfriends whose issues came out after a year or two, and those issues were internal, mental, and scary. This man I married, on the other hand, doesn't have scary stuff going on in his head. I have not been surprised by hidden range, alcoholism, addiction, mental illness. (He probably, on the other hand, has been surprised by mine. =) )
He puts up with me and still loves me. He will see me through illnesses. I saw him through post-divorce, raising girls, and now raising teenagers. What if you had a crazy ex that never left you alone? You'd want your husband to stand by you and not give up on you, right? Honestly, the comparison is quite similar. Family issues, huge life decisions, what have you. Suffering comes in many forms.
He'll be here for me. I felt his pain with him.
I also can see the choices I made were the choices I made. I absolutely can't blame my husband for my career choices, and he had complete faith in my abilities to do whatever I wanted and reach my goals despite a recession, stepkids, moving, and health problems. We make our choices, I chose my husband, and I have suffered with him. Which is what we are expected to do in marriage.
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Rude
[Updated]
If your stepkids are rude to you, you do not have to tolerate it. Despite others telling you that kids are "just like that now," you know the truth.
If your stepkids are regularly rude to you, you absolutely, really shouldn't take it.
They're often being encouraged to mistreat you, specifically. But maybe they aren't, and they're just rude. They weren't taught social graces, such as "Thank you" or pretending to listen to an adult. They're messy, leave trash and socks everywhere, don't put away dishes. They look like they can't even stand to listen to you speak, no matter how hard you try or how nice you're trying to be. Or they walk right into the house after days away and ignore you completely. (Which is somehow your fault.) Honestly, if their primary parent lacks social graces, niceties, common sense... It's unlikely her or his kids will either. Reality check.
Whatever it is, you have two options. You can handle it right there, which usually doesn't go over well. But, that may not matter to you, especially if they were over-the-top rude. Sometimes, especially when you're the only adult there to witness the behavior or interaction, you just have to step in, say something, or ask for proper treatment.
Sometimes that's effective. Mostly it seems to just make everyone hate us, despite however much it was completely warranted. I don't feel like explaining that right now, because it's a stupid cycle of nonsense.
Your second option, if your husband is there, is to leave. Let's expand on what I mean by that, first.
Leaving does not really mean "ditching" or the dramatic "leaving." It can be:
If your stepkids are rude to you, you do not have to tolerate it. Despite others telling you that kids are "just like that now," you know the truth.
If your stepkids are regularly rude to you, you absolutely, really shouldn't take it.
They're often being encouraged to mistreat you, specifically. But maybe they aren't, and they're just rude. They weren't taught social graces, such as "Thank you" or pretending to listen to an adult. They're messy, leave trash and socks everywhere, don't put away dishes. They look like they can't even stand to listen to you speak, no matter how hard you try or how nice you're trying to be. Or they walk right into the house after days away and ignore you completely. (Which is somehow your fault.) Honestly, if their primary parent lacks social graces, niceties, common sense... It's unlikely her or his kids will either. Reality check.
Whatever it is, you have two options. You can handle it right there, which usually doesn't go over well. But, that may not matter to you, especially if they were over-the-top rude. Sometimes, especially when you're the only adult there to witness the behavior or interaction, you just have to step in, say something, or ask for proper treatment.
Sometimes that's effective. Mostly it seems to just make everyone hate us, despite however much it was completely warranted. I don't feel like explaining that right now, because it's a stupid cycle of nonsense.
Your second option, if your husband is there, is to leave. Let's expand on what I mean by that, first.
Leaving does not really mean "ditching" or the dramatic "leaving." It can be:
- Get a bottle of wine or martini, some ice cream, your favorite movies, and go to your bedroom. You've now put yourself on a very nice time-out, aka "stepmom vacation." You don't even need to tell anybody you're doing this, because you're not leaving the house anyways. Just do it. And close the door. Maybe they'll notice, maybe they won't. Either way, it's you time.
- Call a friend, if you have any local, and go out. Have some girl time. You need it, anyways.
- Go do something you want to do. Go to the gym, a class, the nice restaurant you've been wanting to go to, a movie... Something that makes up for the mistreatment you were not deserving of.
Benefit? You come back happier. You escaped the increasingly dangerous situation. You removed yourself. You stopped your frustration from lack of control from hitting the roof and turning into pure anger, which will result in all the blame probably on you. (Again, stupid cycle of nonsense.)
Sometimes you can't leave, though. I know. But be creative. Maybe you can in some way. Maybe you can take a walk, or be like the kids themselves and get some headphones out with an iPod or Netflix and immerse yourself in your own music or movies. (Good idea for sports games where the parents are crazy, as well.)
Now, what about stopping the behavior? As walking away, means it will probably just continue, right?
It definitely should be addressed, but when you get upset, virtually no one listens.
So, here are some better options to losing it (which is only natural- no judgement from me!! But if you can put off the losing it another day, that's generally best.):
It definitely should be addressed, but when you get upset, virtually no one listens.
So, here are some better options to losing it (which is only natural- no judgement from me!! But if you can put off the losing it another day, that's generally best.):
First, talk to your husband about it. But you probably already have. It's always best to try to talk to him at a good time and express your feelings, your concerns about how the kids are learning that treating you bad is OK, which translates to how they will treat others and not just you...yadda yadda. I know, you've tried that.
If talking to your husband about it is going nowhere (common), then it will probably escalate to rudeness to others over time, and he hopefully will notice. When your stepkids are being that horrible to their grandparents (yep), your husband might realize that his kids need some guidance on "thank yous" and general acceptable behavior towards others. In other words, he may need to be embarrassed first in front of family for it to hit him and take action. And then you get to be supportive with this new method of parenting!
Or, another tact: He'll start to notice you're disappearing a whole lot, not cooking as much, etc. When he notices, let him know why, thoughtfully. Or, if you're at my stage, I let him know why at the right time- whether it is at the moment of offense, or sometime later, or before the next time we see the kids.
If he wants you to be there, then he will want to help his kids be inclusive and respectful of all and not just "stepmom." Good learned behavior is just that and has nothing to do with "just stepmom." If kids are mistreating any one and getting away with it, they're learning that it is acceptable to mistreat anyone.
(FYI: This advice is somewhat adapted from "Have a New Kid by Friday" tactics.)
I do not want to advise you to simply walk away all the time, but it is just one tactic. Different situations call for different things. It just isn't that simple, and I totally get that. Sometimes the blow up is necessary, but then you should take yourself somewhere nice afterwards anyways. Removal of a toy, treat, or activity (or phone or iPad or car keys...) are also some of those common on-the-spot actions.
If your husband pulls the tough guy act and pretends he doesn't care that you're not with the family as much, he'll get over his macho-ness eventually (unless he doesn't want a marriage in the first place, as compromise and listening are a part of the deal...). Also, the kids, if on the younger side, might ask you to come out or with them. At that time, state that you will go or play with them, but express your concern that you might be mistreated again. Ask for the proper treatment as a condition, and they will probably be much better kids after that (for a bit). (Straight from Have a New Kid By Friday, by the way. Useful to a certain degree in stepparenting, though somewhat difficult to apply completely in a joint custody family with split time share.)
I know it's hard. Sometimes a lot more than others. You are helping them learn, and you are helping them to be better people if they learn that rudeness is just rudeness, no matter the target and the reasons behind it. Being socially competent will help them earn and keep employment, have better friendships and relationships, and a generally more thoughtful human understanding. Who knows what life successes could come from it!
What do you like to do when you "leave"?
I do not want to advise you to simply walk away all the time, but it is just one tactic. Different situations call for different things. It just isn't that simple, and I totally get that. Sometimes the blow up is necessary, but then you should take yourself somewhere nice afterwards anyways. Removal of a toy, treat, or activity (or phone or iPad or car keys...) are also some of those common on-the-spot actions.
If your husband pulls the tough guy act and pretends he doesn't care that you're not with the family as much, he'll get over his macho-ness eventually (unless he doesn't want a marriage in the first place, as compromise and listening are a part of the deal...). Also, the kids, if on the younger side, might ask you to come out or with them. At that time, state that you will go or play with them, but express your concern that you might be mistreated again. Ask for the proper treatment as a condition, and they will probably be much better kids after that (for a bit). (Straight from Have a New Kid By Friday, by the way. Useful to a certain degree in stepparenting, though somewhat difficult to apply completely in a joint custody family with split time share.)
I know it's hard. Sometimes a lot more than others. You are helping them learn, and you are helping them to be better people if they learn that rudeness is just rudeness, no matter the target and the reasons behind it. Being socially competent will help them earn and keep employment, have better friendships and relationships, and a generally more thoughtful human understanding. Who knows what life successes could come from it!
What do you like to do when you "leave"?
Monday, September 23, 2013
Take Control When You Get the Chance
One thing I strongly want you Stepmoms to know and do- something I strongly regret not doing- something I have to pass on to you:
When you have the chance to report something in an official means, do so. If you have the opportunity to get a restraining order, do so.
If the kids' mom follows you, harasses you, taunts you- Get even a sliver of documentation or a witness, or maybe not even that, and file a restraining order. More was done to me, and I regret to this day that I didn't take action when I had the chance. Even the effort of trying to get a restraining order is documented, even if it isn't granted. The attempt alone is worthwhile. Set a precedent that you will take action so that she doesn't try to continue it, escalate it, and frankly, ruin whole portions of your life, well-being, and mental health.
If you are being threatened, if you are being chased, if you are being screamed at: Don't take it like your husband did or does. Protect yourself, even if others- such as cops, in my case- tell you you have no case. A lawyer will tell you you have a case. Years of reading about how often moms file bogus restraining orders tells me we have grounds to take legal action. Use that ability, the law, lawyers, and any protection you can for yourself.
We were in shock. When we- my husband and I- were physically attacked, we were in shock. I cried my head off that whole night. That's when my shaking started. I was shaking out of confusion, anger, more confusion, and complete sadness. I had no idea what had just happened to me and felt like I was just in some sort of ghetto gang experience I was absolutely uncomfortable with, from someone else's life.
Most people (friends, family, coworkers) were amazed, shocked like I was. One person, though, laughed about it and said she felt bad for me but that it sounded like a typical night in her LA neighborhood. The cop (a female) we went to report it to the next night treated us like we were just trying to report an "almost fight", said we "didn't have a case" (they are not allowed to give legal advice, but do), and that it would have been best if I had let her hit me square on so that I could have physical proof of it. (The cop called and talked to her...Returned with a much lighter attitude to us and said, "Is she always that... emotional?" to my husband. From that point, she treated us like real people...)
Technically, the cop was right. On the other hand, it's horrible. Really? In order to have my person protected, I need to be abused first?
Forget that. If you are being threatened, screamed at, cornered, followed: DO NOT LET IT ESCALATE. Don't feel like me. Don't feel trapped. Don't have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Don't start shaking and suffering from anxiety attacks for over half a decade every time you go to a school or sports event or the [police station] to pick up the kids.
At the time, I remember a lot of the legalese I read stating that only the familial parties had any rights to protections. Screw that! We live in a litigious society, which ethically and financially sucks, but use it to your advantage in the case of protecting yourself.
And if lawyers or legal means are not an option (which they are- so keep looking, please) then use some of the protections we started considering for my husband, and consequently myself.
Since we were given improper advice and should have taken up counsel immediately, which would have been significantly, entirely useful in court a couple of years later in regards to custody, my husband improvised. He talked to officers he knew and asked for advice. He asked what he could do to protect his family from his ex and her family. They advised:
1) No child exchanges in personal, dark, unmonitored locations. Refuse meeting locations of that sort for eternity, as now you know what the person "might" do. If it is necessary to do an exchange at an unsafe location for some reason, then request officer accompaniment. (Which, we found, quickly caused the ex to say OK to safe locations, because you have to wait for an officer who is available to accompany you.)
2) Try to do all child exchanges at a police station. Do the exchanges IN the police station (find one with an open lobby at all times, then) because THAT's where the microphones AND cameras are. There may be a camera or two in the parking lot, where most people do exchanges, but it may not be on you since a parking lot is larger. You want the lobby where there is both camera coverage and microphones recording audio.
3) Keep communications on email, not in person or over the phone. Not only does she need to be recorded, but she also can't contain herself in person.
4) Leave any situation that isn't safe. This, for us, meant informing the children for quite a number of years that we may need to leave at a moment's notice, and that they are not to argue with us about it. We made it clear that if any of us were in danger, INCLUDING ME, that it was just plain and simple time to go. As a unit, we leave. We only employed this a few times, as the kids seemed to understand.
So, all of these things, by the way, were LAUGHED AT by the kids' mom. She called all of it "ridiculous." She mocked my husband. Ask yourself: What does that say about the person who laughs? If my husband and I were a danger of any sort, or if she wanted to make up that we were, then she would be doing all of these things, right? Yes, plenty of moms do all of these things to make their ex look bad, feel powerless, and feel like he is watched- even if there hasn't been any actual physical violence. SO, use it for yourselves.
Our problem is we're married to the man. The man likes to look tough. The man, father, likes to think and act like he can handle it all. They like to think they have it under control. They don't think of ways to make themselves 1) safe, 2) look better in court, 3) look like the victim. They don't WANT to be the victim. It's "unmanly," but it is also just not how they think. And yet, this is despite knowing that so many of our husbands were abused in some way by their ex spouses, mentally and physically. They are not taught, like many women are increasingly, to be aware of the signs and how to protect themselves. They may have gotten out of the marriage, but that was their way of "getting away from it." Little did they know that an abuser doesn't let anyone get away from it, as so many women's and child services and protection groups know. Abusers chase you down, because all they wanted was to control you and you stepping away from the marriage? That didn't end it. Just like if a battered woman tries to leave her marriage- It isn't successful, and he tries to find her.... Well, guess what? It's the same-damn-thing for female abusers. They're not going to leave you alone. They're going to show you that they can control your children. They're also going to start abusing and targetting the new wife, YOU. You have just joined the target, becoming a bigger- and much easier target.
But your husband doesn't realize that. He for some reason thinks you will be separate from his mess. He thinks he is a man, and therefore can "handle" his ex <chuckle> but that you are just with him and you will start your new life together....(Oh, and that his children are his, too, and that they will never forget how much he loves them....)
And unfortunately, you as a new wife, in a weird situation, will take his advice. He knows her, right? He knows what she's like, right? He knows her boundaries, right?
No. He doesn't. Men are naive to the capabilities of their exes. He may have yet to learn the fury of a scorned woman, but more specifically- He was somewhat blind to the abuse in the first place. Men don't recognize and identify abuse and aren't trained to. He knew it was a hellish marriage, but doesn't know the patterns, signs, and what he was actually married to. Therefore, he is unable to characterize her in general or predict what could happen post-divorce. As many books and the experts behind them state, and as any stepmom who's been married for a couple of years can attest to, ex-wives can flare up later when 1) during the divorce proceedings or a later custody battle, 2) a new girlfriend enters the scene, 3) engagement or marriage, 4) pregnancy of the new wife, 5) and even when they get remarried. Court filings correlate with these events, as well. (The majority- as in an 80-90 percentile majority- of divorce and custody filings are by women, aka Mom. And also, we as a society fail to remember that most domestic violence calls include both the male and the female committing violence, and that police house calls due to disturbances include equal amounts of male and female offenders.)
The man, over and over again, wrongly assumes that as time goes on, she will calm down and things will normalize. Well, if she's an abuser... No. If she still wants to control you, and has been able to through court and the kids for some time, she is still maintaining that abuse in different ways. And her added bonus? A Stepmom who is sometimes on her own. I am open game.
For years following that incident, and still now but to a lesser degree, I was followed. She made it very clear that she was there, near me, next to me, and maintaining her threat. She is much larger than I am, (which is amusing because I always thought I was too tall and too big!) and very clearly knew and showed that. She smirked at me a lot, as she does when she knows she has the ultimate power. She made it very clear to me that she was present, closer than necessary to me, and purposely so. "Hovering," if you will. If you think I may be a tad paranoid, I actually have witnesses- who witnessed it before I was close friends with them and were unbiased until they made their own conclusions. It's her way, it's something she does. She's never tried to be friendly to me; she's never tried anything humane. Nothing happened where we knew each other and then she got mad about it. She never tried to get to know me, but simply turned me into a bullseye of some of the crap she previously aimed at her ex-husband.
Someone who is an abuser doesn't learn easily. They don't get the hint or understand that they should stop. They don't realize that they are damaging themselves by continuing the behavior and pushing people (including normal bystanders) away. They alienate themselves very easily, which she does with ease. She blames her problems on everyone else, and I am the biggest problem most of the time. And that is possibly never going to stop.
But I could have protected myself, and should have. I missed my opportunity to take action. An abuser can at least be contained, as many women are able to do to just an angry ex-spouse that shouldn't belong in the true abuse category. I was under the advisement of someone who naively thought that she had boundaries, ("I never thought she would ever do that..." is one of the things my shocked husband said at the time. "I never thought she was capable of trying to hurt someone," despite the fact that she was a rager- which means it was only a matter of time.) On top of that, your husband is driven by the fear that they will lose their kids. Many men fear taking action because they think it will cause retaliation. But your safety is being overlooked. You're both not thinking of it as a harassment personal issue against you and instead thinking of it as a custody issue. I shouldn't have been duped by the wrong female cop who said she would do a full report we could use later and didn't, and I shouldn't have waited for her to leave a mark on me. I shouldn't have had to endure years of her being way too close to me, following me, hovering over me, and making me feel trapped. None of it had to happen, and I didn't need to develop an ongoing anxiety problem.
Take action when you get the opportunity. Take action the first time. Take action the second time. Make sure that you do something, especially if it can be legal and official. Don't let the chance to control her back, and keep her away from you, pass you by. Ex-wives don't tolerate a sliver of this behavior from their exes, so take a page from their book instead of your husband's for this one.
When you have the chance to report something in an official means, do so. If you have the opportunity to get a restraining order, do so.
If the kids' mom follows you, harasses you, taunts you- Get even a sliver of documentation or a witness, or maybe not even that, and file a restraining order. More was done to me, and I regret to this day that I didn't take action when I had the chance. Even the effort of trying to get a restraining order is documented, even if it isn't granted. The attempt alone is worthwhile. Set a precedent that you will take action so that she doesn't try to continue it, escalate it, and frankly, ruin whole portions of your life, well-being, and mental health.
If you are being threatened, if you are being chased, if you are being screamed at: Don't take it like your husband did or does. Protect yourself, even if others- such as cops, in my case- tell you you have no case. A lawyer will tell you you have a case. Years of reading about how often moms file bogus restraining orders tells me we have grounds to take legal action. Use that ability, the law, lawyers, and any protection you can for yourself.
We were in shock. When we- my husband and I- were physically attacked, we were in shock. I cried my head off that whole night. That's when my shaking started. I was shaking out of confusion, anger, more confusion, and complete sadness. I had no idea what had just happened to me and felt like I was just in some sort of ghetto gang experience I was absolutely uncomfortable with, from someone else's life.
Most people (friends, family, coworkers) were amazed, shocked like I was. One person, though, laughed about it and said she felt bad for me but that it sounded like a typical night in her LA neighborhood. The cop (a female) we went to report it to the next night treated us like we were just trying to report an "almost fight", said we "didn't have a case" (they are not allowed to give legal advice, but do), and that it would have been best if I had let her hit me square on so that I could have physical proof of it. (The cop called and talked to her...Returned with a much lighter attitude to us and said, "Is she always that... emotional?" to my husband. From that point, she treated us like real people...)
Technically, the cop was right. On the other hand, it's horrible. Really? In order to have my person protected, I need to be abused first?
Forget that. If you are being threatened, screamed at, cornered, followed: DO NOT LET IT ESCALATE. Don't feel like me. Don't feel trapped. Don't have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Don't start shaking and suffering from anxiety attacks for over half a decade every time you go to a school or sports event or the [police station] to pick up the kids.
At the time, I remember a lot of the legalese I read stating that only the familial parties had any rights to protections. Screw that! We live in a litigious society, which ethically and financially sucks, but use it to your advantage in the case of protecting yourself.
And if lawyers or legal means are not an option (which they are- so keep looking, please) then use some of the protections we started considering for my husband, and consequently myself.
Since we were given improper advice and should have taken up counsel immediately, which would have been significantly, entirely useful in court a couple of years later in regards to custody, my husband improvised. He talked to officers he knew and asked for advice. He asked what he could do to protect his family from his ex and her family. They advised:
1) No child exchanges in personal, dark, unmonitored locations. Refuse meeting locations of that sort for eternity, as now you know what the person "might" do. If it is necessary to do an exchange at an unsafe location for some reason, then request officer accompaniment. (Which, we found, quickly caused the ex to say OK to safe locations, because you have to wait for an officer who is available to accompany you.)
2) Try to do all child exchanges at a police station. Do the exchanges IN the police station (find one with an open lobby at all times, then) because THAT's where the microphones AND cameras are. There may be a camera or two in the parking lot, where most people do exchanges, but it may not be on you since a parking lot is larger. You want the lobby where there is both camera coverage and microphones recording audio.
3) Keep communications on email, not in person or over the phone. Not only does she need to be recorded, but she also can't contain herself in person.
4) Leave any situation that isn't safe. This, for us, meant informing the children for quite a number of years that we may need to leave at a moment's notice, and that they are not to argue with us about it. We made it clear that if any of us were in danger, INCLUDING ME, that it was just plain and simple time to go. As a unit, we leave. We only employed this a few times, as the kids seemed to understand.
So, all of these things, by the way, were LAUGHED AT by the kids' mom. She called all of it "ridiculous." She mocked my husband. Ask yourself: What does that say about the person who laughs? If my husband and I were a danger of any sort, or if she wanted to make up that we were, then she would be doing all of these things, right? Yes, plenty of moms do all of these things to make their ex look bad, feel powerless, and feel like he is watched- even if there hasn't been any actual physical violence. SO, use it for yourselves.
Our problem is we're married to the man. The man likes to look tough. The man, father, likes to think and act like he can handle it all. They like to think they have it under control. They don't think of ways to make themselves 1) safe, 2) look better in court, 3) look like the victim. They don't WANT to be the victim. It's "unmanly," but it is also just not how they think. And yet, this is despite knowing that so many of our husbands were abused in some way by their ex spouses, mentally and physically. They are not taught, like many women are increasingly, to be aware of the signs and how to protect themselves. They may have gotten out of the marriage, but that was their way of "getting away from it." Little did they know that an abuser doesn't let anyone get away from it, as so many women's and child services and protection groups know. Abusers chase you down, because all they wanted was to control you and you stepping away from the marriage? That didn't end it. Just like if a battered woman tries to leave her marriage- It isn't successful, and he tries to find her.... Well, guess what? It's the same-damn-thing for female abusers. They're not going to leave you alone. They're going to show you that they can control your children. They're also going to start abusing and targetting the new wife, YOU. You have just joined the target, becoming a bigger- and much easier target.
But your husband doesn't realize that. He for some reason thinks you will be separate from his mess. He thinks he is a man, and therefore can "handle" his ex <chuckle> but that you are just with him and you will start your new life together....(Oh, and that his children are his, too, and that they will never forget how much he loves them....)
And unfortunately, you as a new wife, in a weird situation, will take his advice. He knows her, right? He knows what she's like, right? He knows her boundaries, right?
No. He doesn't. Men are naive to the capabilities of their exes. He may have yet to learn the fury of a scorned woman, but more specifically- He was somewhat blind to the abuse in the first place. Men don't recognize and identify abuse and aren't trained to. He knew it was a hellish marriage, but doesn't know the patterns, signs, and what he was actually married to. Therefore, he is unable to characterize her in general or predict what could happen post-divorce. As many books and the experts behind them state, and as any stepmom who's been married for a couple of years can attest to, ex-wives can flare up later when 1) during the divorce proceedings or a later custody battle, 2) a new girlfriend enters the scene, 3) engagement or marriage, 4) pregnancy of the new wife, 5) and even when they get remarried. Court filings correlate with these events, as well. (The majority- as in an 80-90 percentile majority- of divorce and custody filings are by women, aka Mom. And also, we as a society fail to remember that most domestic violence calls include both the male and the female committing violence, and that police house calls due to disturbances include equal amounts of male and female offenders.)
The man, over and over again, wrongly assumes that as time goes on, she will calm down and things will normalize. Well, if she's an abuser... No. If she still wants to control you, and has been able to through court and the kids for some time, she is still maintaining that abuse in different ways. And her added bonus? A Stepmom who is sometimes on her own. I am open game.
For years following that incident, and still now but to a lesser degree, I was followed. She made it very clear that she was there, near me, next to me, and maintaining her threat. She is much larger than I am, (which is amusing because I always thought I was too tall and too big!) and very clearly knew and showed that. She smirked at me a lot, as she does when she knows she has the ultimate power. She made it very clear to me that she was present, closer than necessary to me, and purposely so. "Hovering," if you will. If you think I may be a tad paranoid, I actually have witnesses- who witnessed it before I was close friends with them and were unbiased until they made their own conclusions. It's her way, it's something she does. She's never tried to be friendly to me; she's never tried anything humane. Nothing happened where we knew each other and then she got mad about it. She never tried to get to know me, but simply turned me into a bullseye of some of the crap she previously aimed at her ex-husband.
Someone who is an abuser doesn't learn easily. They don't get the hint or understand that they should stop. They don't realize that they are damaging themselves by continuing the behavior and pushing people (including normal bystanders) away. They alienate themselves very easily, which she does with ease. She blames her problems on everyone else, and I am the biggest problem most of the time. And that is possibly never going to stop.
But I could have protected myself, and should have. I missed my opportunity to take action. An abuser can at least be contained, as many women are able to do to just an angry ex-spouse that shouldn't belong in the true abuse category. I was under the advisement of someone who naively thought that she had boundaries, ("I never thought she would ever do that..." is one of the things my shocked husband said at the time. "I never thought she was capable of trying to hurt someone," despite the fact that she was a rager- which means it was only a matter of time.) On top of that, your husband is driven by the fear that they will lose their kids. Many men fear taking action because they think it will cause retaliation. But your safety is being overlooked. You're both not thinking of it as a harassment personal issue against you and instead thinking of it as a custody issue. I shouldn't have been duped by the wrong female cop who said she would do a full report we could use later and didn't, and I shouldn't have waited for her to leave a mark on me. I shouldn't have had to endure years of her being way too close to me, following me, hovering over me, and making me feel trapped. None of it had to happen, and I didn't need to develop an ongoing anxiety problem.
Take action when you get the opportunity. Take action the first time. Take action the second time. Make sure that you do something, especially if it can be legal and official. Don't let the chance to control her back, and keep her away from you, pass you by. Ex-wives don't tolerate a sliver of this behavior from their exes, so take a page from their book instead of your husband's for this one.
Monday, July 29, 2013
Minor Mistakes
I've made mistakes.
We've all made mistakes.
You make a lot of "mistakes" as a stepmom.
As I've heard from the considerate and compassionate, you also make a lot of mistakes as a parent.
Are they really mistakes if you didn't really know, have never done it before, and you're just trying things out? In retrospect they are mistakes, but at the time you were doing what you thought would work. Knowing you made a mistake does not send you into the bad stepmom category, just like mistakes as a parent or spouse, adult or child are a part of life.
I know of my "mistakes" even though I know that it was just what I knew what to do. It's who I was, or it is who I am. I was a different person back then, back when I first started my marriage and stepmom life. I am a different person now, as we all age and grow, whether we're parents or stepparents.
My mistakes weren't really that bad. They were just judged as horrible by people who had no right to judge, and by kids who really don't know what a stepmom should or shouldn't be themselves. Every kid would like to dictate to their parent how they would like their parent to be, but I'm fairly certain that even if a kid was able to do control their parent in that way, they still wouldn't be happy. It's just common to not like your parents, and it is even more common to not like extra parents you never expected to have. And if you do like your parents, you still wish something would change or they could be different in some way... There's always that. It's a part of growing up and the development of independent thinking.
My mistakes were not pivotal. Sometimes I wonder if they were, and after discussion with my husband or friends, realize that they were choices or mistakes made with others in tow (a joint decision with my husband, the real parent), with others in agreement, or with others providing the feedback that they also wouldn't know what to do. Frankly, most stepparenting decisions, although they have been encountered by many others in some way shape or form, do not have step-by-step guides. Some people post things of that nature out there (thanks, stepmom life coaches for finding that niche market...) but nearly any time I read a "how-to-stepparent/mom" list out there, there are fatal holes in it that just do-not-apply to me. My actions truly related to whatever was happening at the time, whatever my stepkids were like at the time, whatever my spouse wanted at the time, and our general environment. So, that's just the way it went.
I've mentioned some of these historical mistakes with apologies to my husband. He usually laughs them off, immediately stating that it was either a mistake that was called for or not a mistake at all. He used to often say statements of "it was what we needed to do at the time." He's right, and we need to keep that in perspective. My minor mistakes (yes, they were minor) were without future information that no one would have. No one would guess or know what would happen 1 year, 2 years, 3 years down the line. We're still guessing, and we still have no idea.
We have to keep living in the world we're living in, and not living in a past world of choices we couldn't know the result of.
We've all made mistakes.
You make a lot of "mistakes" as a stepmom.
As I've heard from the considerate and compassionate, you also make a lot of mistakes as a parent.
Are they really mistakes if you didn't really know, have never done it before, and you're just trying things out? In retrospect they are mistakes, but at the time you were doing what you thought would work. Knowing you made a mistake does not send you into the bad stepmom category, just like mistakes as a parent or spouse, adult or child are a part of life.
I know of my "mistakes" even though I know that it was just what I knew what to do. It's who I was, or it is who I am. I was a different person back then, back when I first started my marriage and stepmom life. I am a different person now, as we all age and grow, whether we're parents or stepparents.
My mistakes weren't really that bad. They were just judged as horrible by people who had no right to judge, and by kids who really don't know what a stepmom should or shouldn't be themselves. Every kid would like to dictate to their parent how they would like their parent to be, but I'm fairly certain that even if a kid was able to do control their parent in that way, they still wouldn't be happy. It's just common to not like your parents, and it is even more common to not like extra parents you never expected to have. And if you do like your parents, you still wish something would change or they could be different in some way... There's always that. It's a part of growing up and the development of independent thinking.
My mistakes were not pivotal. Sometimes I wonder if they were, and after discussion with my husband or friends, realize that they were choices or mistakes made with others in tow (a joint decision with my husband, the real parent), with others in agreement, or with others providing the feedback that they also wouldn't know what to do. Frankly, most stepparenting decisions, although they have been encountered by many others in some way shape or form, do not have step-by-step guides. Some people post things of that nature out there (thanks, stepmom life coaches for finding that niche market...) but nearly any time I read a "how-to-stepparent/mom" list out there, there are fatal holes in it that just do-not-apply to me. My actions truly related to whatever was happening at the time, whatever my stepkids were like at the time, whatever my spouse wanted at the time, and our general environment. So, that's just the way it went.
I've mentioned some of these historical mistakes with apologies to my husband. He usually laughs them off, immediately stating that it was either a mistake that was called for or not a mistake at all. He used to often say statements of "it was what we needed to do at the time." He's right, and we need to keep that in perspective. My minor mistakes (yes, they were minor) were without future information that no one would have. No one would guess or know what would happen 1 year, 2 years, 3 years down the line. We're still guessing, and we still have no idea.
We have to keep living in the world we're living in, and not living in a past world of choices we couldn't know the result of.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Try As You Might
There is an assumption that if you are a good, nice, sweet, giving stepmom, you will be treated as such. There is an in-kind assumption that if your stepkids treat you as a good, nice, sweet, and giving stepmom, you must be OK (or bribing them). There is an equal but opposite assumption that if your stepkids treat you horribly, you must be a terrible, evil stepmom.
Any stepmom reading this should know what the truth is.
It doesn't matter how giving you are or how sweet you try to be. You have likely gone through multiple cycles of trying really hard to be the best you can be, the sweetest wife and stepmom and semi-friend ever, only to find that it had no effect. You may have even kept it up for years. And then when you realize it had no effect, you wonder what's wrong with you. What you're doing wrong. What you could have done better. Why your stepkids still treat you as the evil stepmom you've tried so hard not to be.
We have a teen now. She doesn't use me for all that I could offer her. It bothers me that she doesn't know how much I could help or support or be there for her, as an alternate to her parents. Some have judged that. They think that she must not see me that way, because I was horrible or because of something I did. And they have ideas and theories as to how that happened. They've seen or heard so little of our lives, that I can't put any weight behind those theories. But, thinking about it, interacting with her on a normal basis, and thinking back to all of the years together, I know that I offered my help, shared things with her, and was there for her. And despite that, I'm still not looked at or used as the resource I could be by her. I was the one here, with her, week after week. I know what I tried, I know what she resisted, I know our moments together, and I know "our truth."
I know that I am up against a strong-willed, fearful mother that holds her teen as the secret of her happiness for some reason. She lives vicariously through her. I know that there is pressure for her daughter to put her mother first, act like they are in a mother-daughter clique, and mock the stepmom as the outsider. I know that my stepdaughter has absolutely seen what I can offer her and be to her, but she chooses to ignore it to a hurtful degree. It's most strange, but shows the power of motherhood, that she continues the charade even when away from mom 7 years later. She must have learned her lesson the first year she got to know me, when she imitated me, wore my clothes, and followed me around. I know that something happened way back then that changed our relationship forever, and that was back when I was trying unbelievably hard to be unrealistically perfect.
The stepmom articles are wrong. Even if you just try to be a friend, it doesn't mean it will have any effect. It is misleading to put that expectation on us, just like our families have unrealistic expectations of our behavior, reactions, and tolerance.
Any stepmom reading this should know what the truth is.
It doesn't matter how giving you are or how sweet you try to be. You have likely gone through multiple cycles of trying really hard to be the best you can be, the sweetest wife and stepmom and semi-friend ever, only to find that it had no effect. You may have even kept it up for years. And then when you realize it had no effect, you wonder what's wrong with you. What you're doing wrong. What you could have done better. Why your stepkids still treat you as the evil stepmom you've tried so hard not to be.
We have a teen now. She doesn't use me for all that I could offer her. It bothers me that she doesn't know how much I could help or support or be there for her, as an alternate to her parents. Some have judged that. They think that she must not see me that way, because I was horrible or because of something I did. And they have ideas and theories as to how that happened. They've seen or heard so little of our lives, that I can't put any weight behind those theories. But, thinking about it, interacting with her on a normal basis, and thinking back to all of the years together, I know that I offered my help, shared things with her, and was there for her. And despite that, I'm still not looked at or used as the resource I could be by her. I was the one here, with her, week after week. I know what I tried, I know what she resisted, I know our moments together, and I know "our truth."
I know that I am up against a strong-willed, fearful mother that holds her teen as the secret of her happiness for some reason. She lives vicariously through her. I know that there is pressure for her daughter to put her mother first, act like they are in a mother-daughter clique, and mock the stepmom as the outsider. I know that my stepdaughter has absolutely seen what I can offer her and be to her, but she chooses to ignore it to a hurtful degree. It's most strange, but shows the power of motherhood, that she continues the charade even when away from mom 7 years later. She must have learned her lesson the first year she got to know me, when she imitated me, wore my clothes, and followed me around. I know that something happened way back then that changed our relationship forever, and that was back when I was trying unbelievably hard to be unrealistically perfect.
The stepmom articles are wrong. Even if you just try to be a friend, it doesn't mean it will have any effect. It is misleading to put that expectation on us, just like our families have unrealistic expectations of our behavior, reactions, and tolerance.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Keepin Busy
I do a lot of stuff.
I've always done a lot of stuff.
I hate not doing a ton of stuff.
It is intrinsic to my nature.
It is clear to me that someone does not know me if they advise me to take up hobbies or focus on my interests.
My stepmom life continues, whether I keep busy or not. Drama in stepfamily world happens, whether I'm busy or not.
I cannot overstate that I do a lot of stuff. I do keep busy. Many of the busy things are things for me, or only include me, or include my husband and I, involve socializing and fun, or maybe even include my stepkids.
I advise on this blog regularly that you find things for you, to do, to keep you busy and keep your mind occupied and distracted. At some point, you will start to lose it, and your marriage, if you don't have anything else going on. If you stopped seeing friends, if you stopped doing your hobbies, if you haven't picked up any new ones, or if you just stopped being you...You're not being your best self. You buried a part of you, and it will come out raging later and make you question your marriage and all that you sacrificed.
I know that you might be busy like me. But don't make excuses for not going out, going to an event with friends, or doing girl-time or other adult-level, your-age-group socializing. The kids dad CAN absolutely take care of the kids. You CAN ask him to come home, take some time off, or order a pizza instead. You CAN serve them dinner and then skedaddle, letting Dad put the kids to bed. You can let it happen, you can make it happen, and you'll find out it wasn't that hard afterall. You'll realize that the kids enjoy their dad, and that you ARE allowed to have a life.
I think I've heard of "mom guilt" before. I definitely see "dad guilt" all the time, though it is mostly unwarranted and unhelpful. Well, there's stepmom guilt. I felt it any time even considered a social outing with friends or business travel when my skids were little. I felt like I had to be there, had to make dinner, and had to take care of them. This was particularly ridiculous considering we're only every-other-weekend parents, but I still had it, and I now see it from a lot of other newer stepmoms. Seems to be an under-5-year thing, but it is particularly strong in the first 2 years, which is precisely the time frame when you should absolutely be continuing some friend/girl time.
The first 2 years are such a huge transition- almost to the point of insanity, as most of us experienced. The first 2 years include moving away, leaving your past, and being just too far away from friends and family. They include taking on other people's kids, who you may like, but are very clearly not yours (sometimes stated overtly by them, other times made apparent by their upbringing and behavior...), joining a man in his home, possible the home he shared with his ex-wife, or joining the community of his ex-wife. Your first 2 years of marriage truly include entering a world that is not yours. PLUS there's the marriage part. Minor detail.
Three, four, five years later, don't find yourself looking back, realizing that you could have been investing in your friendships still and other relationships, as your stepkids are still there, your husband is still there, and whether they like you or not at that point, you still have a social life to live.
You'll realize it at one point or another, but I'd really like it if you knew it right away so that you could stop canceling out on girls night with the stepmoms that are long past this realization. If you kept up your you-time now, you'll be healthier later.
I've always done a lot of stuff.
I hate not doing a ton of stuff.
It is intrinsic to my nature.
It is clear to me that someone does not know me if they advise me to take up hobbies or focus on my interests.
My stepmom life continues, whether I keep busy or not. Drama in stepfamily world happens, whether I'm busy or not.
I cannot overstate that I do a lot of stuff. I do keep busy. Many of the busy things are things for me, or only include me, or include my husband and I, involve socializing and fun, or maybe even include my stepkids.
I advise on this blog regularly that you find things for you, to do, to keep you busy and keep your mind occupied and distracted. At some point, you will start to lose it, and your marriage, if you don't have anything else going on. If you stopped seeing friends, if you stopped doing your hobbies, if you haven't picked up any new ones, or if you just stopped being you...You're not being your best self. You buried a part of you, and it will come out raging later and make you question your marriage and all that you sacrificed.
I know that you might be busy like me. But don't make excuses for not going out, going to an event with friends, or doing girl-time or other adult-level, your-age-group socializing. The kids dad CAN absolutely take care of the kids. You CAN ask him to come home, take some time off, or order a pizza instead. You CAN serve them dinner and then skedaddle, letting Dad put the kids to bed. You can let it happen, you can make it happen, and you'll find out it wasn't that hard afterall. You'll realize that the kids enjoy their dad, and that you ARE allowed to have a life.
I think I've heard of "mom guilt" before. I definitely see "dad guilt" all the time, though it is mostly unwarranted and unhelpful. Well, there's stepmom guilt. I felt it any time even considered a social outing with friends or business travel when my skids were little. I felt like I had to be there, had to make dinner, and had to take care of them. This was particularly ridiculous considering we're only every-other-weekend parents, but I still had it, and I now see it from a lot of other newer stepmoms. Seems to be an under-5-year thing, but it is particularly strong in the first 2 years, which is precisely the time frame when you should absolutely be continuing some friend/girl time.
The first 2 years are such a huge transition- almost to the point of insanity, as most of us experienced. The first 2 years include moving away, leaving your past, and being just too far away from friends and family. They include taking on other people's kids, who you may like, but are very clearly not yours (sometimes stated overtly by them, other times made apparent by their upbringing and behavior...), joining a man in his home, possible the home he shared with his ex-wife, or joining the community of his ex-wife. Your first 2 years of marriage truly include entering a world that is not yours. PLUS there's the marriage part. Minor detail.
Three, four, five years later, don't find yourself looking back, realizing that you could have been investing in your friendships still and other relationships, as your stepkids are still there, your husband is still there, and whether they like you or not at that point, you still have a social life to live.
You'll realize it at one point or another, but I'd really like it if you knew it right away so that you could stop canceling out on girls night with the stepmoms that are long past this realization. If you kept up your you-time now, you'll be healthier later.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Always in the Unwanted Spotlight
About half of my blog posts could be titled "Contradictions," or some variation thereof.
The contradiction du jour is that it's not all about me, but still, it keeps being all about me! Stepmoms would prefer less be about us, as a matter of fact.
There's a view from most stepkids, moms of our stepkids, and even in-laws that we think everything is all about us. That we're self-centered, focused on destroying others, and want all the money, our husband's to ourselves, and to forget the kids for eternity. This list could be triple in length, but I'll stop there. Everyone has heard someone describe their stepmom in that way. Dr. Wednesday Martin did research on perceptions of stepmoms and found that nearly all stepmoms are viewed as pure evil, with vindictive motives of the bad characters in horror movies and Grimm (which, are quite similar...). (StepMonster, 2009)
Most of us are not actually that kind of fabled evil stepmom. We're everyday evil stepmoms, where we just function as people, and in response to most things we do as people, are slapped with the evil stepmom label. We fantasize about how easy it would be to become actually evil, and occasionally we think of borderline evil plans, and then we laugh, shake our heads, and silently pray for our family situation to get better. But the reality is, being someone's second mom just makes you the target of all possible hate and anger from so many people.
And that's how in the end, apparently it is all about me. It is the case that somehow nearly everything wrong with my stepdaughter's life has something to do with me. Her parents, the ones with the bad marriage and the choice of partners, can't really be to blame...It's really that the existence of me is to blame for most everything, but particularly bad moods. I must have caused those, and it was probably something I said. Somehow everything I say causes most things. Our house may be completely fine, but if I did something... usually something a stepparent, one who has taken care of her for 7 years would do...I have officially ruined her life for the weekend and possibly months.
In regular families, as many have assured me, teenaged girls can be this way with their own parents. But us stepmoms know that unfortunately, many stepkids have a unique situation where they get to forgive their parents quite quickly and aim that pure hatred at an easier target with less power. That's my case, because she knows that being nasty to her parents will just get her in worse trouble. The worst part is....She's not just an angry teenager. She can simply tell any member of her family her typical teenaged angst against me, and they don't assume she's a teenager (just like they didn't assume she's just a kid when she did the same thing every year before). They actually believe I did or said or was as horrible as she claims. Will an angry teenaged girl also tell the same people and kids about the other good things I did? Nope. So they get only the dirt, and think, "Well of course that poor child is unhappy- Her stepmom is so horrible to her!"
Beyond her, her mom still believes that I am the root of all things wrong. So, years later, I know that there is way too much focus on me, way too much insistence that I cause my husband to do or think the way he does like he's a puppet, and that I somehow cause all these unhappy things. No, no- it's not all me. I know it's not all me. I'm completely confused on why I'm the cause of so many things, but I guess according to the kids' mom...I am the center of all bad things. Aim the spotlight. My husband is just to the right of that spotlight, but not really in it.
And then beyond that, there's their extended family. Throughout the years, even members outside of the stepkid and mom unit reason that all choices, well, the ones they disagree with, must have come from me. I can't tell you how many random things I've heard, later through the grapevine, were attributed to me- which was always a blatant distortion of the facts, completely leaving my husband's free will and parenting out of the story. Sometimes it was because the kids were the source of the information, and other times assumptions were made on top of facts. My poor husband...I seem to control his every movement.
It's very curious, to me, how much I seem to be involved.
I really would prefer to be seen as what I am in everything regarding the kids: Secondary to my husband. I am not the leader, but I am a partner. I support him. My husband, when it involves the kids, is the one who decides and chooses. Things I do and say, as I've written here before, are results of many events prior and decisions and discussions he and I have had together. Unlike my stepdaughter's assessment, it is not "all because of her"- where the "her" is me, in complete disgust.
Well, actually, yes, some things are all because of me. As a matter of fact, we wouldn't visit extended family half as much as we do if it weren't for my financial contributions and family planning. Trips that I dread, but know we must do on behalf of the kids and the family, I make happen. We wouldn't have a home, because my husband could not maintain a mortgage on his own. She wouldn't have so many of the things and furniture she and our family have. We wouldn't have all the pets, we wouldn't have the money to do nearly all of the activities and trips that we do, and she wouldn't have an even bigger family that takes care of her like their own. She wouldn't have had someone that took care of her for years when her dad worked longer hours, further from home.
There's a number of other things, but yeah, that's what I'll take the actual credit for. The rest of it is exaggerated, misunderstood, or not even about me. If it's not all about me, then I'd like everyone else to stop making too many things all about me.
The contradiction du jour is that it's not all about me, but still, it keeps being all about me! Stepmoms would prefer less be about us, as a matter of fact.
There's a view from most stepkids, moms of our stepkids, and even in-laws that we think everything is all about us. That we're self-centered, focused on destroying others, and want all the money, our husband's to ourselves, and to forget the kids for eternity. This list could be triple in length, but I'll stop there. Everyone has heard someone describe their stepmom in that way. Dr. Wednesday Martin did research on perceptions of stepmoms and found that nearly all stepmoms are viewed as pure evil, with vindictive motives of the bad characters in horror movies and Grimm (which, are quite similar...). (StepMonster, 2009)
Most of us are not actually that kind of fabled evil stepmom. We're everyday evil stepmoms, where we just function as people, and in response to most things we do as people, are slapped with the evil stepmom label. We fantasize about how easy it would be to become actually evil, and occasionally we think of borderline evil plans, and then we laugh, shake our heads, and silently pray for our family situation to get better. But the reality is, being someone's second mom just makes you the target of all possible hate and anger from so many people.
And that's how in the end, apparently it is all about me. It is the case that somehow nearly everything wrong with my stepdaughter's life has something to do with me. Her parents, the ones with the bad marriage and the choice of partners, can't really be to blame...It's really that the existence of me is to blame for most everything, but particularly bad moods. I must have caused those, and it was probably something I said. Somehow everything I say causes most things. Our house may be completely fine, but if I did something... usually something a stepparent, one who has taken care of her for 7 years would do...I have officially ruined her life for the weekend and possibly months.
In regular families, as many have assured me, teenaged girls can be this way with their own parents. But us stepmoms know that unfortunately, many stepkids have a unique situation where they get to forgive their parents quite quickly and aim that pure hatred at an easier target with less power. That's my case, because she knows that being nasty to her parents will just get her in worse trouble. The worst part is....She's not just an angry teenager. She can simply tell any member of her family her typical teenaged angst against me, and they don't assume she's a teenager (just like they didn't assume she's just a kid when she did the same thing every year before). They actually believe I did or said or was as horrible as she claims. Will an angry teenaged girl also tell the same people and kids about the other good things I did? Nope. So they get only the dirt, and think, "Well of course that poor child is unhappy- Her stepmom is so horrible to her!"
Beyond her, her mom still believes that I am the root of all things wrong. So, years later, I know that there is way too much focus on me, way too much insistence that I cause my husband to do or think the way he does like he's a puppet, and that I somehow cause all these unhappy things. No, no- it's not all me. I know it's not all me. I'm completely confused on why I'm the cause of so many things, but I guess according to the kids' mom...I am the center of all bad things. Aim the spotlight. My husband is just to the right of that spotlight, but not really in it.
And then beyond that, there's their extended family. Throughout the years, even members outside of the stepkid and mom unit reason that all choices, well, the ones they disagree with, must have come from me. I can't tell you how many random things I've heard, later through the grapevine, were attributed to me- which was always a blatant distortion of the facts, completely leaving my husband's free will and parenting out of the story. Sometimes it was because the kids were the source of the information, and other times assumptions were made on top of facts. My poor husband...I seem to control his every movement.
It's very curious, to me, how much I seem to be involved.
I really would prefer to be seen as what I am in everything regarding the kids: Secondary to my husband. I am not the leader, but I am a partner. I support him. My husband, when it involves the kids, is the one who decides and chooses. Things I do and say, as I've written here before, are results of many events prior and decisions and discussions he and I have had together. Unlike my stepdaughter's assessment, it is not "all because of her"- where the "her" is me, in complete disgust.
Well, actually, yes, some things are all because of me. As a matter of fact, we wouldn't visit extended family half as much as we do if it weren't for my financial contributions and family planning. Trips that I dread, but know we must do on behalf of the kids and the family, I make happen. We wouldn't have a home, because my husband could not maintain a mortgage on his own. She wouldn't have so many of the things and furniture she and our family have. We wouldn't have all the pets, we wouldn't have the money to do nearly all of the activities and trips that we do, and she wouldn't have an even bigger family that takes care of her like their own. She wouldn't have had someone that took care of her for years when her dad worked longer hours, further from home.
There's a number of other things, but yeah, that's what I'll take the actual credit for. The rest of it is exaggerated, misunderstood, or not even about me. If it's not all about me, then I'd like everyone else to stop making too many things all about me.
Wednesday, January 16, 2013
Husband Tricks for Crazy Stepmom Mode
Upon the stepmom's entrance to the dark side, a husband needs some effective strategies:
To keep your family together and avoid more courtroom controversy:
1) Let stepmom leave. If she's frustrated, upset, sad, moody...let her go. Let her go somewhere else. Let her see friends, take a walk, and leave the family activity. Let her hide out in the bedroom. Bring her what she needs, check on her with kisses randomly, and remind her that a bath is a nice treat. Accommodate, in other words.
2) When she's upset, remove her cell phone. Displace it for a while. Who knows what could come of it if it remains in her possession. Or, remove its battery or cancel service if she's too smart for the displacement trick. Unless she just calls friends....But she can use your phone for that anyways. Or a computer.
3) Distract! Provide distractions for her to tide her over. A spa gift certificate is the best possible option, but have a number of more affordable options up your sleeve. - Promise of dinner at her favorite place the night after the kids leave, OR get a babysitter and make it happen tonight or tomorrow night. - Flowers (remember those?!?) - Gift certificate to her favorite place - Or, simply, a glass of wine or a margarita (or in my case, a martini). Bonus: The act of making it for her is a two-in-one: She doesn't have to go to the effort and is given a treat, while she's also being sent the discrete message, "It's time to chill."
4) Find another task for her to do, away from the kids. Walk a dog, get something elsewhere, or take a small trip to pick something up...Anything to give her time to let out fume and recompose herself.
5) Buy her a kitty or a puppy (from a shelter!)- if you don't already have a house full of them. Her own little pet to cuddle with and care for is so comforting in times of stepkid "you're-not-my-mom" turmoil. Plus, they're very soft.
6) If there's a Facebook war, turn off WiFi or take her somewhere else. Dinner, fun, ice skating, movie, hike, mall...Pick anything. Literally anything. An activity of fun is all she really needs. Because nobody wants to be in a Facebook war anyways.
7) Book a trip to some island. Show her pictures and proof of purchase. Then ask her to research spas, outings, and restaurants for the trip. And this better happen, or expect Divorce 2!
8) Have the kids make her something, whether it's a physical "thing" or a drawing or baked good. All of it is absurdly touching. But keep in mind: The effect from this will last a very short time...Especially if they loudly whined while doing it.
9) Put on her favorite movie. If the kids complain, give them laptops/mobile devices and headphones with some other movie.
10) Probably the #1 most effective way to handle a stepmom who's losing it? TAKE THE KIDS OUT. Somewhere, anywhere. Take care of them. Feed them. Whatever. Make it last.
To keep your family together and avoid more courtroom controversy:
1) Let stepmom leave. If she's frustrated, upset, sad, moody...let her go. Let her go somewhere else. Let her see friends, take a walk, and leave the family activity. Let her hide out in the bedroom. Bring her what she needs, check on her with kisses randomly, and remind her that a bath is a nice treat. Accommodate, in other words.
2) When she's upset, remove her cell phone. Displace it for a while. Who knows what could come of it if it remains in her possession. Or, remove its battery or cancel service if she's too smart for the displacement trick. Unless she just calls friends....But she can use your phone for that anyways. Or a computer.
3) Distract! Provide distractions for her to tide her over. A spa gift certificate is the best possible option, but have a number of more affordable options up your sleeve. - Promise of dinner at her favorite place the night after the kids leave, OR get a babysitter and make it happen tonight or tomorrow night. - Flowers (remember those?!?) - Gift certificate to her favorite place - Or, simply, a glass of wine or a margarita (or in my case, a martini). Bonus: The act of making it for her is a two-in-one: She doesn't have to go to the effort and is given a treat, while she's also being sent the discrete message, "It's time to chill."
4) Find another task for her to do, away from the kids. Walk a dog, get something elsewhere, or take a small trip to pick something up...Anything to give her time to let out fume and recompose herself.
5) Buy her a kitty or a puppy (from a shelter!)- if you don't already have a house full of them. Her own little pet to cuddle with and care for is so comforting in times of stepkid "you're-not-my-mom" turmoil. Plus, they're very soft.
6) If there's a Facebook war, turn off WiFi or take her somewhere else. Dinner, fun, ice skating, movie, hike, mall...Pick anything. Literally anything. An activity of fun is all she really needs. Because nobody wants to be in a Facebook war anyways.
7) Book a trip to some island. Show her pictures and proof of purchase. Then ask her to research spas, outings, and restaurants for the trip. And this better happen, or expect Divorce 2!
8) Have the kids make her something, whether it's a physical "thing" or a drawing or baked good. All of it is absurdly touching. But keep in mind: The effect from this will last a very short time...Especially if they loudly whined while doing it.
9) Put on her favorite movie. If the kids complain, give them laptops/mobile devices and headphones with some other movie.
10) Probably the #1 most effective way to handle a stepmom who's losing it? TAKE THE KIDS OUT. Somewhere, anywhere. Take care of them. Feed them. Whatever. Make it last.
Thursday, December 20, 2012
Tips for Helping Your Stepchild Discover Independence
Teaching your kid to be just like you:
Pro:
Pro:
- I guess you would like them more if they're just like you.
- You relate on more things.
- No surprises?
Con:
- Unwillingness to try new things outside of what you've allowed them to do.
- Your faults and hang-ups are now their's, as well.
- Might end up living in your home for-ev-er.
Many of my readers have seen the movie Stepmom. I've realized that it's sort of a holiday movie. I think we might have to watch it this weekend. That being said, it provides a good example of a mom wanting her children to share her emotions. Interestingly, the filmmakers made it very subtle, which it so often is. The youngest child (around 5?) picks up on it and specifically informs his mom that he will hate his stepmom if she wants him to. The older child automatically knows she's in a loyalty bind and doesn't even ask, though. Her demeanor towards her stepmom reflects this.
We have a case of this, though it's much more overt. In hostile custody situations, it seems that the primary parent severely wants their children to be just like them, and that includes instilling a fear of the new, or anything that (usually) Mom does not permit or has done herself. For us, it's not fears of things that their mom has done and therefore has concerns about. It's also not fears of things because their mom is simply afraid of things. No...it's the purposeful of instilling distrust or judgement on anything that 1) mom has no interest in, 2) does not want her children to do without her, or 3) she has not every done herself.
If you have this situation, I do have some tips. Although we still deal with it on a weekly basis, we have fought a lot of it.
Let me list the number of things my skids were interested in but were then given fears, or very strong negative opinions about, before they returned to us:
- Snow
- Karate
- Guitar
- Singing
- Soccer
- Ice skating
- Hiking (yes, which is effectively walking...fear of walking in a new place, really)
- A large number of restaurants
- Places, including places their extended family resides
- Zoos
- Church
- Theme parks other than Disneyland
- Horseback riding
- Museums
- Lakes
- Waves in the ocean
- Rollerblading and skateboarding
- Watching hockey (yes, just watching it...)
- Watching football
- New foods, including but not limited to, potatoes
- People that love them (family members, mostly)
- I know I'm forgetting a ton of things- So just know that for a long time, nearly everything caused some level of panic in my stepkids if it was not mom-approved.
Here's what we learned and what worked:
- Do not tell them about activities, no matter how fun or benign, ahead of time. Even a day ahead of time can be an issue if they're going to see their mom or talk to her on the phone. One phone call can ruin all of your plans.
- If they have to pack or get ready for a particular activity, make it a fun game where they don't know what they're doing but you describe what they need to be prepared for.
- Although you'd think kids would not like doing what I just stated above, they get very excited without even knowing what it is they will be doing or where they're going. And as older kids, they know accept it and prepare quickly so they can get back to watching Glee on TV.
- Make it a surprise. We've thrown surprise parties, taken them to theme parks as a surprise, and done a number of activities as surprises. This cuts out the doubts, concerns, worry, and most of all- mom's opinion. It also causes a lot of in-the-moment excitement when you arrive at the fun place, and that seems to override the worry or any things that could be stressful at home, in private.
- Case in point: Things would often turn for the worst if my youngest stepdaughter, when she was little, had to put some sort of odd thing on. If the activity includes a helmet, a jacket, a hat, gloves, pads, cleats...Worry and panic would start. Any new thing going physically "on" her would trigger "I must not be safe if I have to have this" type of concern, though it was voiced as "But it feeeeels weird!" (in tears). So, each time she started a new sport, it was quite difficult to get her into her required gear- which weirdly happened at our house both times...Strange how that happened. BUT if we were already at a fun new place, and there's excitement and popcorn and candy and all that, she was much more willing to put on any necessary gear in order to participate in the activity. She would still voice discomfort, but seeing other kids do it too was much more effective.
- Sometimes it may seem like it's hard to make something a surprise. Trust me- Anything can be. My parents were really good at it, which is why I came up with this strategy in the first place. Parents can really define the art of "leaving things out" of what you say. It's a part of your role. Not giving the kids the whole picture is fairly normal, so don't get hung up on what they "should" know. Why is it that they need to know that "breakfast with family" also includes a new theme park? They don't- and they'll love it.
- Kids can handle mom's opinion, dislike, and even anger (most common in our case) afterwards. At that point, after they've already experienced it themselves, they know that an activity was fun, safe, worthwhile, or just plain normal. They're not swayed by the emotions when it's already happened, and they also get to tell their mom about how it actually wasn't so bad, after all.
- This has always worked. The only post-event manipulative statements we've heard from them following exposure to a new activity was along the lines of justification of the previous opinion. Occasionally we'll hear something like "well, it was OK that we did it that way, but otherwise it's not OK if [throw in random, illogical thing here]."
- If you have the time, which we barely do and have therefore not been that successful with this, introduce your kids to things you hope they'll try out later. Plant some seeds of interest (and familiarity) by taking them to various sports activities at local colleges, high schools, fields, parks, or even pro games. If possible, connect the experience with friends or family they know and like, which sends a subliminal message of it being something that others do in fact do. If you hope they aren't afraid of musical activities in the future, whatever they may be, take them to plays, concerts, musicals, local band competitions, whatever. Find a friend that will teach them how to play an instrument during your custodial times- someone who isn't upset by suddenly changed plans and massive attitude problems, preferably. When they're young, buy them kid versions of whatever they're unfamiliar with- like kid tennis rackets, cute hiking shoes, a kid guitar. Let them play with them at parks or home, or take them out to specifically play with those toys. Exposure is key- whatever way you want to go about it. Your goal is simply normalizing activities and options outside of mom's specific experiences.
- Travel. Let them know that new places are not scary, but can be fun. Simply taking them to new places encourages a bit of exploration and confidence that they can be or try new places. In general, it's very good for them. Exposure to new is the theme!
- Tied to this is specifically visiting or stopping in college towns. Visit colleges. Make a point of walking through them, pointing them out, or making rest stops in college towns. Hit the bookstore or a local store and buy them small souvenirs or a shirt or sweatshirt with the college name and mascot on it. This exposure helps kids feel comfortable about going to college one day and relates positive, normal experiences with those locations. College becomes less a place that you move away to, and more a place that they've been before.
- This has so many positive possibilities. We know that introducing them to multiple colleges in multiple locations means that they'll be more comfortable with 1) moving away one day, 2) which means moving away from mom and a higher likelihood of adult independence, 3) choosing a college of their own, rather than choosing a college based on what mom says she likes (already happening...), 4) and simply, interest in going to college, or the concept of it being normal and a part of life.
- Just sign them up. Depending on how your custody is set-up, don't ask the kids whether they want to do something. You're the parent. Just sign them up and tell them they're trying it out. There might be some blow back, but it's a lot more likely they'll try something and either enjoy it or learn something from it, rather than simply discussing it for YEARS, with you and your husband trying to undo whatever negative things they were told (which stick like super glue, we've noticed). Kids do not have critical thinking skills, so whatever inane thing they're given to not try a new thing sticks with them for many years. It will take you a lot longer to convince them that they will enjoy it than it would be to just sign them up.
- Amusingly, we'll try for years to convince the skids that something is not that horrible, and then suddenly one day they'll appear and will exclaim that they have been signed up for something they told us they didn't want to do for years...Suddenly very excited, because mom has just signed them up. (Yeah, this just happened, again, this past week. It's amazing.) The only other way we've seen this reversal happen is when one of their close friends does said activity or invited them, and then all negative opinions seem to dissipate- not even remembered at all.
- Speaking of signing up the kids, if you see the kids for holiday breaks or summers, sign them up for day camps where they can specifically try out new activities with other kids.
- This is one of the best strategies. If there's unreasonable fear about some sort of sport or other activity, sign them up for a half day local camp during one of your summer weeks. In all but ONE of the times we've done this, they were nervous the first day, but then made friends, had a ton of fun, and learned a lot. It has helped them decide they like- no, LOVE- a number of activities. My husband still reels at how quickly the skids refer to kids they just met at camp as "my friend."
- We also added overnight camps in for my oldest skid. This helps immensely because now she knows that going away can be fun, being away from mom is possible, and she has more of an idea of what independence is. We know that this will translate into more confidence in other experiences, such as choosing to go on a school trip, moving away for college, or just simply actually moving out and away to be on her own finally.
- If you're concerned about it looking like you're "getting rid of" your child or cutting out your time....Yes, you will get accused of that if their mom never signs them up for camps, including morning-only day camps or day care or after school care, and especially if she never attended any type of camp at all. You will be accused of ditching your children in "babysitting", not wanting to see them, and hurting them by making them do such things with strange new kids rather than just letting them watch TV at home all summer with nearly no supervision or attention.
- So given that you will be accused of being a horrible parent by signing your kids up for any type of camp, the courts/mediators will not see it like that if you participate, take them to and from, and encourage the activities they learn in general. Take pictures of them doing the activities they learned at camp, record the last day of camp "show" or game/tournament. Take pictures of or keep the crafts they made. And, feel free to ask them to write what they learned and liked about camp, so that next year you can look at it together and remember how much they liked it. We did summer journals some years because they forgot every fun activity they did with us so easily. Each year, their memories of the events were so twisted by the time the next summer came around, if they even remembered what we did at all. All the good just washes away.
- After the first year or two, the kids will have no qualms about camp. They always get a little nervous before a new camp, but will nearly always love it. Make it a normal expectation of summer activities. If they didn't like a particular camp, accept that as feedback and find a different one for next year or even the next week of camp. I always tell them, "well, maybe next year we can try ____" and they always receive that positively. (I also ask them each spring which ones they're interested in and not interested in, from all of the various camp offerings- Making it not an option to "go to camp" but an option of "which one is for you?")
- Our primary problem has actually been that if we sign them up for a more expensive, really awesome camp- They leave the last day saying, "Next year, when I come back...." And we're thinking "uh-oh...We don't want to pay that much next year..." There's only been one camp that one didn't want to return to. They've done sports camps, horseback riding camps, regular camps, karate camps, overnight campus in the mountains, YMCA....
- And if you're not someone who ever went to camps and are therefore nervous about it, I still encourage you to look at the options. A lot of camps are only half-day and allow your child to meeting new people, make new friends, and have more adult role-models in their lives. It's a huge social-skill builder, and gives them so much confidence in trying new things. It makes other life situations easier transitions, including moving away one day or having a strange, new roommate. They no longer fear camps but know that it will likely be fun, they will definitely make new friends, and they'll learn new things. Also, they'll learn camp songs or chants that they seem to never forget....
- Ask a family member or friend to expose them to the new thing, and it takes away the "Dad" or "Stepmom made me do this" element. It's accepted almost immediately.
- One more to add: An important way to get your stepkids into the real world and out of their one-opinion one is by exposing them to cultural events and festivals. Very easy to do, though you will need to keep your thumb on area news. Greek Festival? Chinese New Year? Kwanza? Latin, Swedish, German, and Irish festivals up the wazoo? Take the kids. They'll get some snacks, sugary cultural treats of some sort, see some dancing, hear some music that isn't on the Top 40 station, and even see people who "look different". Despite how culturally diverse our region is, its very easy for kids to come up with opinions that keep them from appreciating diversity, which also permeates their life views. Judgmental attitudes run rampant and deep, very easily, with very little commentary from adults in their lives. So one way to undercut judgmental attitudes overall is to open their minds to how different all people are, and the good in those who are different. Not to mention, many cultural fairs and parades have specific offerings, like games and bounce houses, for kids. They get to experience a bit of external culture and associate it with positive things. But, be warned: The first cultural fair/festival we took them to, we came home with a new pet goldfish...
And good luck over the holiday break with your skids. Safe travels, and I wish you access to much wine, or martinis.
Monday, November 19, 2012
Herein Lies the Difference
The logic behind the fight: Many moms believe that kids should never see dad if he decided to end the marriage. It's often masked in pithy, highly unsupported arguments of: He's violent . He's angry. Stepmom is bad. They need mom/and siblings need each other. ...But often without any valid proof or real, impartial witnesses with these assertions. They feel left at the alter, completely slighted and back stabbed, whether that is pretty much what happened or not. In reality, there's a number of common occurrences we know as true: He may have tried to make the relationship work for years, but due to her lack of participation or her anger or her violence, he had to go...Or it just really was a bad marriage, both parties are to blame. Maybe he was a really bad guy, because there are a lot of bad people out there- of both sexes.) But no matter the spouse's part in it, it may take many decades to realize it or take ownership in their part of the marriage failure, if ever. Until there's any type of maturity, its all his fault he left the family, he's the bad man no matter his blatant logic.We also accept that story immediately, from complete strangers, and pity the poor woman we're talking to, completely accepting her truth.
Given that he "left", the entire family (of the mom's side) does not think he 'deserves' the children. He broke the family, therefore he is bad, therefore he shouldn't have them, BECAUSE he didn't stay in the marriage... Circular , flawed reasoning that begs the question.
So, its not because he hurt the children, was abusive, violent, or actually unfit to parent....Though random justifications are often tossed about. Its that he left the marriage and therefore deserves to suffer a greater loss of losing his children. As punishment.
Given that he "left", the entire family (of the mom's side) does not think he 'deserves' the children. He broke the family, therefore he is bad, therefore he shouldn't have them, BECAUSE he didn't stay in the marriage... Circular , flawed reasoning that begs the question.
So, its not because he hurt the children, was abusive, violent, or actually unfit to parent....Though random justifications are often tossed about. Its that he left the marriage and therefore deserves to suffer a greater loss of losing his children. As punishment.
Thursday, September 13, 2012
Fearing Your Stepchild
My followers often comment that what I wrote is exactly what they were thinking or experiencing. I had that experience when reading an article from StepmomMag.com. The author described how her stepdaughter, who was still a child, was raised to think her stepmom was an idiot. Given that her stepmom is an idiot, she was trying to raise her half-sister- stepmom's new baby. How could an idiot stepmother properly care for her little sister, of course. This led to the stepdaughter not heading any directions, and one extremely scary situation that could have ended or impaired the baby's life.
This is actually something I've known about one of my own stepdaughters. I know that if I were to have a baby or adopt, she would consider herself more knowledgeable than I am. I've already seen minor cases of this for years in various arenas, such as her directives when caring for the pets I care for daily that she hardly sees.
When my stepdaughters were younger children, they informed me that I would be fine as a stepmom because they would teach me how to mother.
Right.
Thanks anyways.
So there's two types of actual fear of stepchildren that I've identified from years of reading other stepmoms' stories:
As I still hold some physical fear of one of my stepchildren, I'm not the expert to go to on how to fix this. Therapy is probably your best option, for everybody in the family as you need to cope, Dad needs to learn how to parent and learn what abuse is, and the children have some definite issues to workout.
I really just wanted to comment on these fears, and how they are based in reality.
This is actually something I've known about one of my own stepdaughters. I know that if I were to have a baby or adopt, she would consider herself more knowledgeable than I am. I've already seen minor cases of this for years in various arenas, such as her directives when caring for the pets I care for daily that she hardly sees.
When my stepdaughters were younger children, they informed me that I would be fine as a stepmom because they would teach me how to mother.
Right.
Thanks anyways.
So there's two types of actual fear of stepchildren that I've identified from years of reading other stepmoms' stories:
- Fear that the stepchild will harm, and even kill, our own child
- Fear that the stepchild will harm us
Sometime around last Christmas, I read a post in a Facebook group about a stepmom who's teenage stepchild put actual poison in her drink. Sounds like Snow White in reverse to me.
This is real, folks. It's also why stepmoms feels so misunderstood and alone, as usually nobody will believe how horrible our stepchildren can be to us or make us feel. Even their own fathers, witnessing the events, can be in complete denial.
I don't think my stepkids will kill me, but I have sincerely feared one of my stepdaughter's violent tendencies. The first night I met her, I watched her strongly hit a family member repeatedly while playing a game. I learned quickly that her idea of play wasn't so much wrestling and rough-housing as it was "let's see how I can hurt stepmom". Play would turn into "chase stepmom" and laugh hideously about it, as I begged for her to stop. I avoided pools, or made sure to get into a pool when she wasn't nearby. As soon as she would start to come towards me, I would get out. This is because one time she was choking me underwater and just didn't understand why that was upsetting to me. "Stop" is not understood. I also know to stay away from her when she gets the same look in her eyes as those chasing sessions while wielding a bat. Yes, a bat. When she was younger, it was plastic bats. Now they're real bats.
I'm not the only one, though. Her sister has been physically hurt by her for years, so I feel a bit of a bond to my younger stepdaughter in this way. It's just that my younger stepdaughter doesn't seem to know when to get out and walk away before it escalates, a typical little sibling problem. We brought up the physical bullying in court years ago and asked that we care for them more so that my younger stepdaughter was safer, and no one was interested.
My situation is slightly more odd than the usual stepmom hate that other stepmoms experience. My older stepdaughter is emotionally abused and was quite set-back by how badly the divorce of her parents was handled. I don't think she actually does want to "hurt" me (probably deep down, yes), but she does get a thrill out of scaring someone or upsetting them. She rough houses with her mom, who also was like this apparently, and it seems to be an odd form of bonding for them. So, it's possible she thinks that this would be appropriate with others like me, but I have no interested in that kind of "play" where I feel chased and scared.
As I still hold some physical fear of one of my stepchildren, I'm not the expert to go to on how to fix this. Therapy is probably your best option, for everybody in the family as you need to cope, Dad needs to learn how to parent and learn what abuse is, and the children have some definite issues to workout.
I really just wanted to comment on these fears, and how they are based in reality.
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
My Wishlist
AKA Why I continue to function as an involved stepmom
My goal as a stepmom is for my skids to grow up to be competent, independent, intelligent human beings with an awareness of their world and others. My husband and I work together in the hope that they will have character and integrity, and the knowledge to use strength when they face those who do not.
Side hopes:
I pray that they will have a faith that keeps them stable, balanced, giving, humble and loving. I hope I am providing them with tools to know that faith will help them, to look to faith when they feel alone.
I hope that they are developing strength, and I encourage them to know that they have strength. My husband and I are constantly reminding them of their own will, power, and abilities because we know they do not think they have any.
I teach them to not continue in a cycle of abuse (and divorce). I help them to identify abusive situations and behaviors, and they tell me what they would do or what their friends could do. My experiences, stories, and advice will help them. This is a regular topic in our home, as there are always instances of abuse they witness in school and with friends, that are becoming clear applications in their own lives.
I hope they travel. So I make our family travel.
I hope they try new things, new people, new adventures, and even new lives every now and then. So we try new things, meet new people, and attempt new adventures regularly.
I wish that they will have enough respect and honor for their dad and his family that they will call him and visit them when they are adults. Unfortunately, that means I have to point out when they are not calling him. I see his pain, but they don't.
I wish that one day they will be able to identify hate, and walk away from it. Likewise, I wish that they will know forgiveness and use it. We're doing a lot to battle the hate they see and feel, and we're working on modeling forgiveness and discussing what it is.
I hope that at some point, they'll choose to see us or visit us. We talk about honoring family and how family will never leave, will always be there. We will pick them up if they need us, we will help out.
I wish that they will see through all the crap that other people put in their heads. I pray that one day, they will know themselves and their own identity. I also hope this comes sooner rather than later. I make a point of talking to them about their own goals and catching them when they say they are only one thing and are not considering the alternatives.
I pray that they find more love than their parents did- and are willing to work hard in a marriage. So, I love my husband. We discuss marriage, love, and biblical vows.
I hope that they choose to serve their community in some way, some day, by volunteering for a cause. This is why I volunteer and include them.
I really do hope they go to college, one they enjoy, and they have fun and grow away from home. I hope they find passion for something (or 10) and motivation for a life in pursuit of knowledge and personal betterment.
And these are the reasons why I remain active in their lives. Maybe if you know my intentions for my stepchildren, you'll know I am not so bad for them? But you wouldn't know that I wish these things for them if you don't listen to what I am concerned about (because we don't talk much because you've made your mind up about me from stories from other people or the kids themselves) or because you simply don't live in our home with us and aren't with us enough to know what I'm like, believe in, or teach. So, I thought I'd share it.
Monday, June 25, 2012
The Kids can Love us All
[Updated 6/27]
Kids can love aunts, uncles, cousins, 8 sets of grandparents, and even 4 parents.
This ability of kids to love and accept many is only possible if their own family members will let them. It's adults who choose to not accept some members of their family.
If they are directed to not honor or see as equal one set or family member, their pure love is stunted. They figure out quickly that they should bury their instincts and feelings.
Most of us recognize this, given a description like I've just provided, as wrong. But its likely that you have caused a changed attitude of the heart within your children if you have talked bad about a family member repeatedly or made physical reactions that even young kids can sense. Specifically, kids sense the most indirect cues from their moms, which means a mom's reactions and opinions have a stronger, more important impact.
Kids respond accordingly, especially if the veiled, thin or not, emotions are coming from their mom. So, if mom makes nasty comments about their other grandma or their stepgrandma, the kids from toddler to teens will make sure to show mom that they are loyal to her and are not "too nice" or "too thoughtful" of grandma from "the other side." Now, when mom is not around? Usually the act is dropped, but sometimes the disgust from their mom seeps into the kids' minds enough to effect how they treat even one of their spoiling-grandmas away from mom's eyesight.
If you are "the" mom, dad, grandparent, aunt, uncle...You already have the love of the kids. You do not need to feel like you must fight your family member's ex or their new spouse or their family. If you fear the kids leaving you, you probably naturally respond by holding on tighter. I've heard many stories about a mom becoming more and more nasty the more the kids grow up. Its clear that the nastiness is coming from fear (and hatred/envy of the other party), but this increase in abuse, negative comments, or control causes the kids to eventually completely split off. All in all, the more the jealousy and anger overwhelm one person's life with the kids, the more likely the kids will want to walk away- thereby making that initial fear a reality.
Sadly, as stepmoms, we know too well that it's not only our husband's exes and their families that hold many misdirected emotions against us- It's also our own in-laws. Our very own husbands' families cause strife against us, unnecessary drama, and the kids to disrespect us- adding to an already struggling home. For some reason, despite the new wife that the husband chose to help him and his family, the husband's family looks for every possible bad thing in the new wife. For some, this comes out of a lack of trust, since "the first one was so bad." But after a while, the stepmom starts to wonder why the attacks continue on her, when the first wife was so, so much worse? To quote a stepmom, "It wasn't me who messed [my stepkid] up! I wasn't the one who raised him, but I'm blamed!"
Isn't it amazing that your very own in-laws can't accept you, your efforts, and your endless commitment with the kids? But at the same time, they absolutely abhor the first wife? (Well, not always. I know many of you deal with the in-laws still loving the first wife and not liking you...That's just beyond sad, as the current marriage is the one that needs to be supported by family and friends, especially parents. Once the damage is done, its time to accept, and honor, the new reality/family.) We know what we do for the kids day in and day out. In-laws visit, send gifts, and really believe the kids are perfect angels- when we know what it is like to live with them, we know their school, their grades, their friends, their (disgusting) habits, and their traits that maybe even our husbands don't see. We deal with their anger and pain of divorce regularly- not on holiday visits. (Usually we're the brunt of that pain.) We know our stepkids. We don't just host them or think we know them. We absolutely, downright, know them. We know what are not just little mistakes, but continual patterns that we're trying to help the kids address (back home and on visits...). We know their friendship struggles by watching it happen, and we know their teachers. We know if something is an actual ongoing issue with our stepkid, or just a lapse in judgement and not tied to a deeper meaning.
We don't think they are perfect angels (which I think is one reason why in-laws don't like us), but we do know them as our kids. Others on the outside might not see them as our kids, but we have no choice but to treat them as our kids (...especially considering all the eyes watching our every move). Debating whether we are good enough to them or nice enough to them or good enough stepmoms is just a waste of your time. As their stepmom, I treat my stepkids as my kids- and they are my only kids. You might as well be criticizing my parenting skills of the child I never had. Maybe you would.
Each stepmom I meet feels unloved by their in-laws, or wholly misunderstood. We are the second, the less important, and maybe the one-who-did-not-give-birth- while our husbands see us as best, better, and the solution. We're seen as "the problem" by so many, including the people who should love us, while our husbands tell us we make their livelihood possible and we have given the kids so much that has changed their lives. This contradiction of messages causes us so much confusion, it leads to depression. It's hard to have self-worth when your husband's family starts rumors about you on a weekly basis or takes your words and actions out of context, which I think is usually due to the lack of acceptance that we do actually "parent" and raise our stepkids at home. We realize, maybe right away in a marriage or later down the line, that the very people who are supposed to be supporting your relationship with the kids are also helping to beat you down.
I have a responsibility, given to me by my husband and God, to raise them. And I am, the way I would, with my husband. This is what he wanted. Yes, it is my role to be the second parent in our home, to help raise them. As if they are my own. I do have a say, I do have a mind, I do have a choice. I did not give birth, but I have beliefs and knowledge of parenting like every other female. I am doing what I would do if I gave my in-laws another grandchild, nephew, or niece. It's not exactly the same- as there would be much less struggle with my own child, but this is who I am as stepmom and the things I do, as a stepmom, a second mom, to them. People like to write articles about how the stepmom should "stay out of it", but every stepmom knows the reality: Would you stop a child if they were about to hurt themselves, hurt someone else, or do something dangerous? Yes. Would you feed a child if there was no one there to feed them (in your own home) and you are the only one there that can do so? Yes. Would you clothe them, help them, care for them if you're the one at home, alone, with them? Yes. And as you walk further down that line, you see pretty simply that a stepmom does have a second parent role- with more time or responsibilities than a nanny, but often treated similar to a maid.
I'm glad I love my husband, and I'm glad he has me. Others may not be glad he has me or the kids have me, but he could write an endless list of what I've meant to him and his kids. I guess that's all that matters, which is hard to hold onto sometimes. And its all that should matter to your husband's family, too. So although I am the one with them day in, week out, you can trust that I am raising them in their best interest and assisting my husband with that goal. I am not perfect, but you know that you as a parent are not perfect.
To paraphrase my husband, we can't just love and hug them every time things are going wrong- like a visiting family member would. We can't just blame everything on the divorce and pity them, allowing them to grow up with a "victim" mentality. Our job is to raise them, teach them, and help them be strong so that one day they can live their lives without an abusive marriage, dependency, or divorce- and be successful and competent adults, mindful of their community and world.
I may never give birth to a baby, which is not, frankly, my fault. Sometimes I wonder if that would make me more loved by my in-laws, but... It was predetermined for me in a previous marriage that I was not a part of. (Which in-laws know, and should understand is something really painful for many of us stepmoms to cope with. This is a Put-yourself-in-my-shoes Moment...) My stepkids may be the only kids I ever have, which is not ideal since they already have a mom. It's already tough enough to simply be a stepmom to kids who aren't yours, but then to have their dad's family question you, mistrust you, and criticize you behind your back for years? This perpetual judgement and junk from the in-laws is tearing apart my friend's marriages! Marriages that would be doing so fantastically if the skids' grandparents weren't constantly making the husband doubt every choice, or alienating the second wife from family events. Can you believe that the in-laws, who witnessed the hell of the first marriage, are the pivotal force against so many second marriages!? I honestly don't know that these marriages will survive, which leads to another divorce for the kids, their son, and another round of unbelievable pain- plus another round of hurt kids if the couple had their own kids despite the challenges.
If you are a blood relative of the child, you are in their lives as much as you are, and you will have a connection to them to the extent that you are in their lives. If you are there for them, they will love you. You are as meaningful to them as you choose to support them. You are lucky to have that bond, to have known them since birth, known both of their parents, and known them their whole lives. But instead of criticizing the other person who raises them or assuring the kids that they don't have to like their stepmom, focus on supporting their dad and his wife who struggle with the day-to-day of a split family and kids of divorce (who do, as a matter of fact, usually have increasingly more behavioral and learning problems along the journey- No, their stepmom isn't making up the struggles they're having because she's downright evil.). Or, just simply focus on your own relationship with the kids, as you already have that ready-made bond for you. You can have your own powerful influence on them, given the advantage of that bond. Don't waste your time thinking about how their stepmom has influenced them- They have a lot of good and bad influences, and their stepmom shouldn't be the focus on your time. A good use of your time? Encourage the kid to work with their parents, make the best of their situation, and help them learn how to cope. Encourage them to honor adults and authority but learn who they are at the same time. Help them to grow within their environment, so that one day they can grow outside of it.
If you help the kids to dislike and/or disrespect their stepmom and her family, you are actually hurting your son, brother, or nephew. It makes it that much harder for him to maintain a solid home, lead his home, find peace in his home. He is torn between his own family and his extended family, plus the divorce war and custody battles. You hurt the kids by causing more strife and assisting in the "pick sides" game. Support him by supporting "them" as a married couple who are working together to care for the kids, despite your opinion of how involved or uninvolved a stepmom "should" be. At least she's there for them.
Kids can love aunts, uncles, cousins, 8 sets of grandparents, and even 4 parents.
This ability of kids to love and accept many is only possible if their own family members will let them. It's adults who choose to not accept some members of their family.
If they are directed to not honor or see as equal one set or family member, their pure love is stunted. They figure out quickly that they should bury their instincts and feelings.
Most of us recognize this, given a description like I've just provided, as wrong. But its likely that you have caused a changed attitude of the heart within your children if you have talked bad about a family member repeatedly or made physical reactions that even young kids can sense. Specifically, kids sense the most indirect cues from their moms, which means a mom's reactions and opinions have a stronger, more important impact.
Kids respond accordingly, especially if the veiled, thin or not, emotions are coming from their mom. So, if mom makes nasty comments about their other grandma or their stepgrandma, the kids from toddler to teens will make sure to show mom that they are loyal to her and are not "too nice" or "too thoughtful" of grandma from "the other side." Now, when mom is not around? Usually the act is dropped, but sometimes the disgust from their mom seeps into the kids' minds enough to effect how they treat even one of their spoiling-grandmas away from mom's eyesight.
If you are "the" mom, dad, grandparent, aunt, uncle...You already have the love of the kids. You do not need to feel like you must fight your family member's ex or their new spouse or their family. If you fear the kids leaving you, you probably naturally respond by holding on tighter. I've heard many stories about a mom becoming more and more nasty the more the kids grow up. Its clear that the nastiness is coming from fear (and hatred/envy of the other party), but this increase in abuse, negative comments, or control causes the kids to eventually completely split off. All in all, the more the jealousy and anger overwhelm one person's life with the kids, the more likely the kids will want to walk away- thereby making that initial fear a reality.
Sadly, as stepmoms, we know too well that it's not only our husband's exes and their families that hold many misdirected emotions against us- It's also our own in-laws. Our very own husbands' families cause strife against us, unnecessary drama, and the kids to disrespect us- adding to an already struggling home. For some reason, despite the new wife that the husband chose to help him and his family, the husband's family looks for every possible bad thing in the new wife. For some, this comes out of a lack of trust, since "the first one was so bad." But after a while, the stepmom starts to wonder why the attacks continue on her, when the first wife was so, so much worse? To quote a stepmom, "It wasn't me who messed [my stepkid] up! I wasn't the one who raised him, but I'm blamed!"
Isn't it amazing that your very own in-laws can't accept you, your efforts, and your endless commitment with the kids? But at the same time, they absolutely abhor the first wife? (Well, not always. I know many of you deal with the in-laws still loving the first wife and not liking you...That's just beyond sad, as the current marriage is the one that needs to be supported by family and friends, especially parents. Once the damage is done, its time to accept, and honor, the new reality/family.) We know what we do for the kids day in and day out. In-laws visit, send gifts, and really believe the kids are perfect angels- when we know what it is like to live with them, we know their school, their grades, their friends, their (disgusting) habits, and their traits that maybe even our husbands don't see. We deal with their anger and pain of divorce regularly- not on holiday visits. (Usually we're the brunt of that pain.) We know our stepkids. We don't just host them or think we know them. We absolutely, downright, know them. We know what are not just little mistakes, but continual patterns that we're trying to help the kids address (back home and on visits...). We know their friendship struggles by watching it happen, and we know their teachers. We know if something is an actual ongoing issue with our stepkid, or just a lapse in judgement and not tied to a deeper meaning.
We don't think they are perfect angels (which I think is one reason why in-laws don't like us), but we do know them as our kids. Others on the outside might not see them as our kids, but we have no choice but to treat them as our kids (...especially considering all the eyes watching our every move). Debating whether we are good enough to them or nice enough to them or good enough stepmoms is just a waste of your time. As their stepmom, I treat my stepkids as my kids- and they are my only kids. You might as well be criticizing my parenting skills of the child I never had. Maybe you would.
Each stepmom I meet feels unloved by their in-laws, or wholly misunderstood. We are the second, the less important, and maybe the one-who-did-not-give-birth- while our husbands see us as best, better, and the solution. We're seen as "the problem" by so many, including the people who should love us, while our husbands tell us we make their livelihood possible and we have given the kids so much that has changed their lives. This contradiction of messages causes us so much confusion, it leads to depression. It's hard to have self-worth when your husband's family starts rumors about you on a weekly basis or takes your words and actions out of context, which I think is usually due to the lack of acceptance that we do actually "parent" and raise our stepkids at home. We realize, maybe right away in a marriage or later down the line, that the very people who are supposed to be supporting your relationship with the kids are also helping to beat you down.
I have a responsibility, given to me by my husband and God, to raise them. And I am, the way I would, with my husband. This is what he wanted. Yes, it is my role to be the second parent in our home, to help raise them. As if they are my own. I do have a say, I do have a mind, I do have a choice. I did not give birth, but I have beliefs and knowledge of parenting like every other female. I am doing what I would do if I gave my in-laws another grandchild, nephew, or niece. It's not exactly the same- as there would be much less struggle with my own child, but this is who I am as stepmom and the things I do, as a stepmom, a second mom, to them. People like to write articles about how the stepmom should "stay out of it", but every stepmom knows the reality: Would you stop a child if they were about to hurt themselves, hurt someone else, or do something dangerous? Yes. Would you feed a child if there was no one there to feed them (in your own home) and you are the only one there that can do so? Yes. Would you clothe them, help them, care for them if you're the one at home, alone, with them? Yes. And as you walk further down that line, you see pretty simply that a stepmom does have a second parent role- with more time or responsibilities than a nanny, but often treated similar to a maid.
I'm glad I love my husband, and I'm glad he has me. Others may not be glad he has me or the kids have me, but he could write an endless list of what I've meant to him and his kids. I guess that's all that matters, which is hard to hold onto sometimes. And its all that should matter to your husband's family, too. So although I am the one with them day in, week out, you can trust that I am raising them in their best interest and assisting my husband with that goal. I am not perfect, but you know that you as a parent are not perfect.
To paraphrase my husband, we can't just love and hug them every time things are going wrong- like a visiting family member would. We can't just blame everything on the divorce and pity them, allowing them to grow up with a "victim" mentality. Our job is to raise them, teach them, and help them be strong so that one day they can live their lives without an abusive marriage, dependency, or divorce- and be successful and competent adults, mindful of their community and world.
I may never give birth to a baby, which is not, frankly, my fault. Sometimes I wonder if that would make me more loved by my in-laws, but... It was predetermined for me in a previous marriage that I was not a part of. (Which in-laws know, and should understand is something really painful for many of us stepmoms to cope with. This is a Put-yourself-in-my-shoes Moment...) My stepkids may be the only kids I ever have, which is not ideal since they already have a mom. It's already tough enough to simply be a stepmom to kids who aren't yours, but then to have their dad's family question you, mistrust you, and criticize you behind your back for years? This perpetual judgement and junk from the in-laws is tearing apart my friend's marriages! Marriages that would be doing so fantastically if the skids' grandparents weren't constantly making the husband doubt every choice, or alienating the second wife from family events. Can you believe that the in-laws, who witnessed the hell of the first marriage, are the pivotal force against so many second marriages!? I honestly don't know that these marriages will survive, which leads to another divorce for the kids, their son, and another round of unbelievable pain- plus another round of hurt kids if the couple had their own kids despite the challenges.
If you are a blood relative of the child, you are in their lives as much as you are, and you will have a connection to them to the extent that you are in their lives. If you are there for them, they will love you. You are as meaningful to them as you choose to support them. You are lucky to have that bond, to have known them since birth, known both of their parents, and known them their whole lives. But instead of criticizing the other person who raises them or assuring the kids that they don't have to like their stepmom, focus on supporting their dad and his wife who struggle with the day-to-day of a split family and kids of divorce (who do, as a matter of fact, usually have increasingly more behavioral and learning problems along the journey- No, their stepmom isn't making up the struggles they're having because she's downright evil.). Or, just simply focus on your own relationship with the kids, as you already have that ready-made bond for you. You can have your own powerful influence on them, given the advantage of that bond. Don't waste your time thinking about how their stepmom has influenced them- They have a lot of good and bad influences, and their stepmom shouldn't be the focus on your time. A good use of your time? Encourage the kid to work with their parents, make the best of their situation, and help them learn how to cope. Encourage them to honor adults and authority but learn who they are at the same time. Help them to grow within their environment, so that one day they can grow outside of it.
If you help the kids to dislike and/or disrespect their stepmom and her family, you are actually hurting your son, brother, or nephew. It makes it that much harder for him to maintain a solid home, lead his home, find peace in his home. He is torn between his own family and his extended family, plus the divorce war and custody battles. You hurt the kids by causing more strife and assisting in the "pick sides" game. Support him by supporting "them" as a married couple who are working together to care for the kids, despite your opinion of how involved or uninvolved a stepmom "should" be. At least she's there for them.
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