The Night of A Stepmom, The Fears of the Alienated

I sit in fear
Waiting for them to come over.
I fret and stress
Knowing it will be any minute.
I feel the anxiety shoot
through my skull.
I feel my heart beating
my pulse pulsating
and my breathing struggle.

They have rooms here
things here
half their lives here
But I call to ask that he take them out to dinner tonight.
Tonight I can't do it.
Tonight I can't fake it.
Tonight I'm afraid of saying what I want to say.

If I say what I feel,
he could lose them.
If I say what I want to say,
what they need to hear,
he may not support me.
If I tell them how they hurt me,
I will stand alone.
It falls on deaf, young ears.
I am shamed by others not here.

They can take what is said
my feelings,
my heart
back to their mom.
I am a horrible person
who never should feel what I feel,
she tells them.
I can give and give, but I should not expect to receive love. Ever.

I need to be alone.
I need to leave the room.
I need to leave the house,
but there's not really anywhere to go tonight.
I need to be away. I need them to be away. I need to walk away.
I need to shut up. I need to keep my feelings to myself,
because that is the only way.

This family stays together by burying the hurts sometimes.
He hurts, but he hides it from them.
I hurt, but I hide it from them.
We talk to them sometimes about the hurt,
but they are too young.

Our hurts are now translated into
expectations.
They are older. They are to learn, now.
We fear they will grow,
move,
marry,
and we will not be included.
If we don't teach them now
that we count.
If we don't teach them now,
that we are here.
If we don't teach them now,
that they are important to us.
If we don't teach them now,
that they have us.
We are family, too. We have to teach them
that we are family, too.

Custody In the Summertime

Summer planning has always been my art since becoming a stepmom. My husband was good at going to movies, bowling alleys, and parks- last minute. Otherwise, all trips, camps, etc. start with my whirlwind of thorough research, nights of staring at our calendar(s), and debating- in my head- what we should do.

Summer planning as a stepfamily with partial custody is, as you know, an insanely painful process in itself. Summers, also, are somewhat insane. Some of you have the kids all summer and have very mixed feelings about that, to say the least. Others of you see your stepkids leave for the summer, and although it is enjoyable, you do discover that you miss them. In our world, we were granted every other week with them- only in the summer- about 5 years ago.

That made every other week the only time we could shove in as much summer fun, camps, and other special things we could never do with them during the every-other-weekend-pitiful-painful-pittance schedule the rest of the year. It was this major deal for us to be able to see them morning after night after morning, at home. It was so awesome to be able to sign them up for camps for activities they always wanted to learn but were not allowed to because of their mom's (lack of) required approval (or lack of communication whatsoever). They could do VBS, or volunteer at VBS. They could go on a church trip! They could see us, we could see them, tomorrow! And two days after that!

It was a mix of stress and fitting in things plus complete, amazing joy and ease. Summer weeks were never a painful struggle of awkwardness. The only pain was wishing we could have more time, do more, have this year around. Things were sometimes so nice, it was depressing to realize we only had these special weeks a handful of times. Depending on the summer, it was about 5 weeks. It felt like 3.

Now that we have one skid 50/50 year around for the first time, I just realized how less stressful summer will be knowing that it will finally continue. I won't have to shove in doctors and dentists appointments in the summer. I won't have to feel like "our only chance is now" for the first time ever. (Although, then again, one feels that sentiment a little less when they are no longer kids and have busy teen lives...Still, there's the creeping feeling of "we only have a few years left" in there and a much, much tighter timeframe nearly gone with the elder.)

Looking back, realizing the difference of having a fair parenting schedule compared to what we used to have, and how much more logical it feels all around...It is so sad that our justice system perpetuates ridiculous parenting shared custody schedules. We had so much to offer, and we barely had the time to offer it. We were not prisoners, drug addicts, abusers. We were fully employed, capable, willing. Although I know the history, I will never understand in my heart why so many families have to endure so much pain at the mercy of a judge, mediator, or insane spouse.

viva equal custody! viva summer!

The Idiocy of "Vacation" "Requests"

States, courts, and mediators differ on what they dole out to unsuspecting parents.

When you are forced to go to court, you will be given a dictate that both parents are supposed to follow on how to "share" parenting of your children. They can sometimes be ridiculous. Our case has one of "those."

(Clarification: We have no choice. The absence of an order would mean their dad would have never been allowed to see the kids, so court slightly guarantees that possibility.)

We've experienced years of confusion from family, friends, and school employees about our custodial schedule. At one point, I made a calendar that family could check and refer to, but I don't think it helped... I am the only one still using it, to figure out our own schedule and plan based on when the s'kids are with us.

The schedule was worse many years ago, when my s'kids were young. One child had an extracurricular activity that eventually the court realized was (specifically) detrimental to dad, and the solution was to then switch all weekends that that activity fell on. Interestingly, courts and mediators maintain that they like to make decisions best for kids, but in that decision, both kids suffered. There were entire months where the (young) kids were unable to see their dad. They had nightmares, fears, and asked to keep his shirts with them. The youngest had a very difficult time understanding when she would see her dad, stressing and worrying like she would never see him at all.

Now, our schedule is a lot more straightforward and hasn't changed much. We have Every Other Weekend (EOW) and Tuesday & Thursday nights for 2 hour "dinner visits." That has been maintained for 5 years, despite how pathetic it is as "joint custody." One parent maintains power and control over many decisions, and the s'kids have difficulty leaving, enjoying, working, and spending time with dad. Whoever thought 2 hours of parental time is OK must have had some prison experience and felt it was plenty. Further, as kids age, our agreement had no plan for allowing the kids flexibility. Our nearly-18-yr-old continues to follow the strict time restrictions, despite clearly not wanting to. (Can't displease mom....)

We no longer hear of many parents getting such stringent custody orders in our area, and there's been a definite clear increase of actual 50/50 splits where the kids enjoy both homes, both parents, and there isn't any one parent with more physical control or knowledge.

But there's this nice additional complication added to, at least our, custody order. "The Vacation Week." I don't know how many people have this option. There are some definite pros and cons. Here's the basic idea:

Due to the weirdness/haphazard design/inconsistent time split of their own time share agreements, mediators/courts created the concept of the Vacation Week which allows you to "request" one to four weeks of custodial time with your kids from the other parent.

If you're smart, or have been a stepmom for a bit, you've already figured out like 20 things wrong with this concept.

Benefit: 

• The ability to take a "vacation" as a vacation week takes away those pesky custodial visits with the other parent. Travel plans can actually be made!
• Some unadulterated, free, quality time with your kids. (Oh wait, blend in the requirement that the other parent can harass the kids every other day and make them feel guilty for having fun with Dad.)
• The decreased likelihood that someone (with more custody most likely) will simply blow off the other parent for unapproved vacations
• A formalization of a process for travel
• Later we started to adapt vacation weeks for during the school year, so we could actually get a clue as to the daily life of the kids and show them that things are just fine at our house on weekdays, as well- in direct contrast to the development of unsubstantiated concerns. 
• Family can visit and you don't have terribly miserable custody exchanges in-between -which ultimately scared off our family members here and there, as it was upsetting to them or meant that they would have to see my husband's ex, who treated them rather poorly. (understatement)

Cons:  ( <--- double meaning!)

• The person who has primary custodial time sees themselves as the "grantor" of vacations. They have the ability to simply deny, and keep the kids. They choose to argue "requests" for vacation for the most minimal reasons, and couldn't care less that you had a family wedding or other event to take the kids to. It is not their concern that you happen to not have the kids, like she does. 
• The use of the word "request." Request implies that the built-in option of vacation weeks is up to the whim of the person who holds primary custody. 
• To deal with this, the mediator(s) wrote in that the parents switch off on "priority" years. I don't think this has had an iota of effect on the above. 
• Further, the person with primary custody seems to think that "he" requests from "her," but she just simply gets what she says she's doing. The few times that my husband had legitimate reasons to deny a vacation week, she simply ignored that. And, there it is. 
• In our order, the parent is supposed to request the vacation week one month in advance. You won't be surprised by this: 
• My husband sends the requests 1 month in advance, and occasionally (but rarely) he's been a few days into that 1 month. 
• She notifies him anytime within that 1 month, including days before. Most often? One to 2 weeks before. She doesn't have to plan very much in order to simply keep the kids a few extra hours during the week, does she?
• The few times my husband sent his request a few days into the month, he's been scolded and treated like she's giving him a huge favor by even considering his late request.
• When angry, she simply abuses her ability to deny the request. She also has used it more than once to keep the kids from extended family visits, despite lacking plans of her own. She is fully aware that we see family far away around the holidays, and one year she made sure it was not possible. In other years, she made sure it was a truncated, painful trip. We drove all day and night, stayed one day, and turned around and went back. I'm sure she enjoyed that power.

Recommendations:

First of all, I'm not sure that the vacation concept entirely makes sense. I understand the intent, but I don't know that it achieves that. 

To make ours a better agreement, as is, I would add these factors: 

1. Vacation weeks are guaranteed for the noncustodial parent. You get 4. You are allowed 4. You will keep 4. You will not be denied if you need them and the other person doesn't have actual plans. 
1. The person claiming to have actual plans must have as-substantial plans, paid for, and proof. Can't just say "we were going to do something one day..." when the other person has week-long plans with family.
2. The person with less physical custody time always has priority. End of story. 
1. The person with primary physical time ALREADY has priority, automatically, every other day of the year. Let this be the one case where the other parent gets to have a sliver authority.
2. I have friends that have it the other way around, and the Dad does interfere with plans the family has made, but I still agree with this concept despite that. The primary family does get to be with the kids every other day of the year and make plans, so they can lose the occasional week of control. (That being said, it would help if the Dad actually cared about their sports and activities that they love, though....He could simply communicate and ask when they're busy and not busy, when are important weeks for their sports and when aren't, you know?)
3. Teenagers over a certain age (15? 16?) get a say on their vacation weeks. They may choose to take more vacation weeks with the other parent, if desired. They can choose to take vacation weeks to see family, on their own. They can also extend vacation weeks and supersede typical arrangements, when not in school. 
4. More than 4 is possible. It does not have to be limited to 4.
1. Simply stating that is necessary for the overly-restrictive custodial parent who still doesn't get that the parents have the ability, as adults, to make their own decisions together above and beyond the court order. 
5. Someone not using 4 vacation weeks does not "not care" about the kids or the vacation weeks. Work and life situations just may have been too much that particular year. 
1. This argument would not be allowed to be made. Vacation weeks are an option and don't prove anything if not used. 
6. The non-custodial parent, if has family traditions with extended family, will have those weeks built in, guaranteed, and never argued with. 
1. In our case, that would be one guaranteed week after Christmas during the school break, and one guaranteed week in summer. The non-custodial parent still gets a ton of time before Christmas and time following or before the 1 week of travel, and is therefore not cut out from having time with the kids for the holiday. Furthermore, she does not have any established family plans, trips, or traditions at that time. Her family all lives in the same town...And she has never chosen to take a trip during that time. The one time that she completely refused  

I think in the end, I would throw out the concept. Or, I would make it simple: that the noncustodial parent has the right to take "vacations" of under 1 week, 1 week, or 2 weeks, for any important family reason or trip, including holidays. This would cover funerals, weddings, births, holidays, etc. Built-in, guaranteed time is necessary, and it would be smarter if it was guaranteed each summer or holiday, instead. 

It would also be better to allow the noncustodial parent every other 3 day weekend or no-school holiday, if desired. It truly drives us nuts that certain years, just based on the schedule, we lose all 3 day holidays and can't take the kids to see family during the year. It also has been difficult to know that we were off, while the kids sat at home doing nothing or being babysat. We would have absolutely enjoyed a day at a theme park or something, while their mom worked. 

I also believe that the noncustodial parent should have the right to switch weekends if there is a family event. This has not been possible for us, as the skids mom refuses to switch dates for our family events...She only switches weeks or weekends if she has a reason. (There was only one exception to this in 9 years.)

Feel free to share your ideas on how to "reform" the "vacation" system... 

And get the word out: It's stupid, and not working.