The Idiocy of "Vacation" "Requests"

States, courts, and mediators differ on what they dole out to unsuspecting parents.

When you are forced to go to court, you will be given a dictate that both parents are supposed to follow on how to "share" parenting of your children. They can sometimes be ridiculous. Our case has one of "those."

(Clarification: We have no choice. The absence of an order would mean their dad would have never been allowed to see the kids, so court slightly guarantees that possibility.)

We've experienced years of confusion from family, friends, and school employees about our custodial schedule. At one point, I made a calendar that family could check and refer to, but I don't think it helped... I am the only one still using it, to figure out our own schedule and plan based on when the s'kids are with us.

The schedule was worse many years ago, when my s'kids were young. One child had an extracurricular activity that eventually the court realized was (specifically) detrimental to dad, and the solution was to then switch all weekends that that activity fell on. Interestingly, courts and mediators maintain that they like to make decisions best for kids, but in that decision, both kids suffered. There were entire months where the (young) kids were unable to see their dad. They had nightmares, fears, and asked to keep his shirts with them. The youngest had a very difficult time understanding when she would see her dad, stressing and worrying like she would never see him at all.

Now, our schedule is a lot more straightforward and hasn't changed much. We have Every Other Weekend (EOW) and Tuesday & Thursday nights for 2 hour "dinner visits." That has been maintained for 5 years, despite how pathetic it is as "joint custody." One parent maintains power and control over many decisions, and the s'kids have difficulty leaving, enjoying, working, and spending time with dad. Whoever thought 2 hours of parental time is OK must have had some prison experience and felt it was plenty. Further, as kids age, our agreement had no plan for allowing the kids flexibility. Our nearly-18-yr-old continues to follow the strict time restrictions, despite clearly not wanting to. (Can't displease mom....)

We no longer hear of many parents getting such stringent custody orders in our area, and there's been a definite clear increase of actual 50/50 splits where the kids enjoy both homes, both parents, and there isn't any one parent with more physical control or knowledge.

But there's this nice additional complication added to, at least our, custody order. "The Vacation Week." I don't know how many people have this option. There are some definite pros and cons. Here's the basic idea:

Due to the weirdness/haphazard design/inconsistent time split of their own time share agreements, mediators/courts created the concept of the Vacation Week which allows you to "request" one to four weeks of custodial time with your kids from the other parent.

If you're smart, or have been a stepmom for a bit, you've already figured out like 20 things wrong with this concept.

Benefit: 

• The ability to take a "vacation" as a vacation week takes away those pesky custodial visits with the other parent. Travel plans can actually be made!
• Some unadulterated, free, quality time with your kids. (Oh wait, blend in the requirement that the other parent can harass the kids every other day and make them feel guilty for having fun with Dad.)
• The decreased likelihood that someone (with more custody most likely) will simply blow off the other parent for unapproved vacations
• A formalization of a process for travel
• Later we started to adapt vacation weeks for during the school year, so we could actually get a clue as to the daily life of the kids and show them that things are just fine at our house on weekdays, as well- in direct contrast to the development of unsubstantiated concerns. 
• Family can visit and you don't have terribly miserable custody exchanges in-between -which ultimately scared off our family members here and there, as it was upsetting to them or meant that they would have to see my husband's ex, who treated them rather poorly. (understatement)

Cons:  ( <--- double meaning!)

• The person who has primary custodial time sees themselves as the "grantor" of vacations. They have the ability to simply deny, and keep the kids. They choose to argue "requests" for vacation for the most minimal reasons, and couldn't care less that you had a family wedding or other event to take the kids to. It is not their concern that you happen to not have the kids, like she does. 
• The use of the word "request." Request implies that the built-in option of vacation weeks is up to the whim of the person who holds primary custody. 
• To deal with this, the mediator(s) wrote in that the parents switch off on "priority" years. I don't think this has had an iota of effect on the above. 
• Further, the person with primary custody seems to think that "he" requests from "her," but she just simply gets what she says she's doing. The few times that my husband had legitimate reasons to deny a vacation week, she simply ignored that. And, there it is. 
• In our order, the parent is supposed to request the vacation week one month in advance. You won't be surprised by this: 
• My husband sends the requests 1 month in advance, and occasionally (but rarely) he's been a few days into that 1 month. 
• She notifies him anytime within that 1 month, including days before. Most often? One to 2 weeks before. She doesn't have to plan very much in order to simply keep the kids a few extra hours during the week, does she?
• The few times my husband sent his request a few days into the month, he's been scolded and treated like she's giving him a huge favor by even considering his late request.
• When angry, she simply abuses her ability to deny the request. She also has used it more than once to keep the kids from extended family visits, despite lacking plans of her own. She is fully aware that we see family far away around the holidays, and one year she made sure it was not possible. In other years, she made sure it was a truncated, painful trip. We drove all day and night, stayed one day, and turned around and went back. I'm sure she enjoyed that power.

Recommendations:

First of all, I'm not sure that the vacation concept entirely makes sense. I understand the intent, but I don't know that it achieves that. 

To make ours a better agreement, as is, I would add these factors: 

1. Vacation weeks are guaranteed for the noncustodial parent. You get 4. You are allowed 4. You will keep 4. You will not be denied if you need them and the other person doesn't have actual plans. 
1. The person claiming to have actual plans must have as-substantial plans, paid for, and proof. Can't just say "we were going to do something one day..." when the other person has week-long plans with family.
2. The person with less physical custody time always has priority. End of story. 
1. The person with primary physical time ALREADY has priority, automatically, every other day of the year. Let this be the one case where the other parent gets to have a sliver authority.
2. I have friends that have it the other way around, and the Dad does interfere with plans the family has made, but I still agree with this concept despite that. The primary family does get to be with the kids every other day of the year and make plans, so they can lose the occasional week of control. (That being said, it would help if the Dad actually cared about their sports and activities that they love, though....He could simply communicate and ask when they're busy and not busy, when are important weeks for their sports and when aren't, you know?)
3. Teenagers over a certain age (15? 16?) get a say on their vacation weeks. They may choose to take more vacation weeks with the other parent, if desired. They can choose to take vacation weeks to see family, on their own. They can also extend vacation weeks and supersede typical arrangements, when not in school. 
4. More than 4 is possible. It does not have to be limited to 4.
1. Simply stating that is necessary for the overly-restrictive custodial parent who still doesn't get that the parents have the ability, as adults, to make their own decisions together above and beyond the court order. 
5. Someone not using 4 vacation weeks does not "not care" about the kids or the vacation weeks. Work and life situations just may have been too much that particular year. 
1. This argument would not be allowed to be made. Vacation weeks are an option and don't prove anything if not used. 
6. The non-custodial parent, if has family traditions with extended family, will have those weeks built in, guaranteed, and never argued with. 
1. In our case, that would be one guaranteed week after Christmas during the school break, and one guaranteed week in summer. The non-custodial parent still gets a ton of time before Christmas and time following or before the 1 week of travel, and is therefore not cut out from having time with the kids for the holiday. Furthermore, she does not have any established family plans, trips, or traditions at that time. Her family all lives in the same town...And she has never chosen to take a trip during that time. The one time that she completely refused  

I think in the end, I would throw out the concept. Or, I would make it simple: that the noncustodial parent has the right to take "vacations" of under 1 week, 1 week, or 2 weeks, for any important family reason or trip, including holidays. This would cover funerals, weddings, births, holidays, etc. Built-in, guaranteed time is necessary, and it would be smarter if it was guaranteed each summer or holiday, instead. 

It would also be better to allow the noncustodial parent every other 3 day weekend or no-school holiday, if desired. It truly drives us nuts that certain years, just based on the schedule, we lose all 3 day holidays and can't take the kids to see family during the year. It also has been difficult to know that we were off, while the kids sat at home doing nothing or being babysat. We would have absolutely enjoyed a day at a theme park or something, while their mom worked. 

I also believe that the noncustodial parent should have the right to switch weekends if there is a family event. This has not been possible for us, as the skids mom refuses to switch dates for our family events...She only switches weeks or weekends if she has a reason. (There was only one exception to this in 9 years.)

Feel free to share your ideas on how to "reform" the "vacation" system... 

And get the word out: It's stupid, and not working. 

Try As You Might

There is an assumption that if you are a good, nice, sweet, giving stepmom, you will be treated as such. There is an in-kind assumption that if your stepkids treat you as a good, nice, sweet, and giving stepmom, you must be OK (or bribing them). There is an equal but opposite assumption that if your stepkids treat you horribly, you must be a terrible, evil stepmom.

Any stepmom reading this should know what the truth is.

It doesn't matter how giving you are or how sweet you try to be. You have likely gone through multiple cycles of trying really hard to be the best you can be, the sweetest wife and stepmom and semi-friend ever, only to find that it had no effect. You may have even kept it up for years. And then when you realize it had no effect, you wonder what's wrong with you. What you're doing wrong. What you could have done better. Why your stepkids still treat you as the evil stepmom you've tried so hard not to be.

We have a teen now. She doesn't use me for all that I could offer her. It bothers me that she doesn't know how much I could help or support or be there for her, as an alternate to her parents. Some have judged that. They think that she must not see me that way, because I was horrible or because of something I did. And they have ideas and theories as to how that happened. They've seen or heard so little of our lives, that I can't put any weight behind those theories. But, thinking about it, interacting with her on a normal basis, and thinking back to all of the years together, I know that I offered my help, shared things with her, and was there for her. And despite that, I'm still not looked at or used as the resource I could be by her. I was the one here, with her, week after week. I know what I tried, I know what she resisted, I know our moments together, and I know "our truth."

I know that I am up against a strong-willed, fearful mother that holds her teen as the secret of her happiness for some reason. She lives vicariously through her. I know that there is pressure for her daughter to put her mother first, act like they are in a mother-daughter clique, and mock the stepmom as the outsider. I know that my stepdaughter has absolutely seen what I can offer her and be to her, but she chooses to ignore it to a hurtful degree. It's most strange, but shows the power of motherhood, that she continues the charade even when away from mom 7 years later. She must have learned her lesson the first year she got to know me, when she imitated me, wore my clothes, and followed me around. I know that something happened way back then that changed our relationship forever, and that was back when I was trying unbelievably hard to be unrealistically perfect.

The stepmom articles are wrong. Even if you just try to be a friend, it doesn't mean it will have any effect. It is misleading to put that expectation on us, just like our families have unrealistic expectations of our behavior, reactions, and tolerance.

Always in the Unwanted Spotlight

About half of my blog posts could be titled "Contradictions," or some variation thereof.

The contradiction du jour is that it's not all about me, but still, it keeps being all about me! Stepmoms would prefer less be about us, as a matter of fact.

There's a view from most stepkids, moms of our stepkids, and even in-laws that we think everything is all about us. That we're self-centered, focused on destroying others, and want all the money, our husband's to ourselves, and to forget the kids for eternity. This list could be triple in length, but I'll stop there. Everyone has heard someone describe their stepmom in that way. Dr. Wednesday Martin did research on perceptions of stepmoms and found that nearly all stepmoms are viewed as pure evil, with vindictive motives of the bad characters in horror movies and Grimm (which, are quite similar...). (StepMonster, 2009)

Most of us are not actually that kind of fabled evil stepmom. We're everyday evil stepmoms, where we just function as people, and in response to most things we do as people, are slapped with the evil stepmom label. We fantasize about how easy it would be to become actually evil, and occasionally we think of borderline evil plans, and then we laugh, shake our heads, and silently pray for our family situation to get better. But the reality is, being someone's second mom just makes you the target of all possible hate and anger from so many people.

And that's how in the end, apparently it is all about me. It is the case that somehow nearly everything wrong with my stepdaughter's life has something to do with me. Her parents, the ones with the bad marriage and the choice of partners, can't really be to blame...It's really that the existence of me is to blame for most everything, but particularly bad moods. I must have caused those, and it was probably something I said. Somehow everything I say causes most things. Our house may be completely fine, but if I did something... usually something a stepparent, one who has taken care of her for 7 years would do...I have officially ruined her life for the weekend and possibly months.

In regular families, as many have assured me, teenaged girls can be this way with their own parents. But us stepmoms know that unfortunately, many stepkids have a unique situation where they get to forgive their parents quite quickly and aim that pure hatred at an easier target with less power. That's my case, because she knows that being nasty to her parents will just get her in worse trouble. The worst part is....She's not just an angry teenager. She can simply tell any member of her family her typical teenaged angst against me, and they don't assume she's a teenager (just like they didn't assume she's just a kid when she did the same thing every year before). They actually believe I did or said or was as horrible as she claims. Will an angry teenaged girl also tell the same people and kids about the other good things I did? Nope. So they get only the dirt, and think, "Well of course that poor child is unhappy- Her stepmom is so horrible to her!"

Beyond her, her mom still believes that I am the root of all things wrong. So, years later, I know that there is way too much focus on me, way too much insistence that I cause my husband to do or think the way he does like he's a puppet, and that I somehow cause all these unhappy things. No, no- it's not all me. I know it's not all me. I'm completely confused on why I'm the cause of so many things, but I guess according to the kids' mom...I am the center of all bad things. Aim the spotlight. My husband is just to the right of that spotlight, but not really in it.

And then beyond that, there's their extended family. Throughout the years, even members outside of the stepkid and mom unit reason that all choices, well, the ones they disagree with, must have come from me. I can't tell you how many random things I've heard, later through the grapevine, were attributed to me- which was always a blatant distortion of the facts, completely leaving my husband's free will and parenting out of the story. Sometimes it was because the kids were the source of the information, and other times assumptions were made on top of facts. My poor husband...I seem to control his every movement.

It's very curious, to me, how much I seem to be involved.

I really would prefer to be seen as what I am in everything regarding the kids: Secondary to my husband. I am not the leader, but I am a partner. I support him. My husband, when it involves the kids, is the one who decides and chooses. Things I do and say, as I've written here before, are results of many events prior and decisions and discussions he and I have had together. Unlike my stepdaughter's assessment, it is not "all because of her"- where the "her" is me, in complete disgust.

Well, actually, yes, some things are all because of me. As a matter of fact, we wouldn't visit extended family half as much as we do if it weren't for my financial contributions and family planning. Trips that I dread, but know we must do on behalf of the kids and the family, I make happen. We wouldn't have a home, because my husband could not maintain a mortgage on his own. She wouldn't have so many of the things and furniture she and our family have. We wouldn't have all the pets, we wouldn't have the money to do nearly all of the activities and trips that we do, and she wouldn't have an even bigger family that takes care of her like their own. She wouldn't have had someone that took care of her for years when her dad worked longer hours, further from home.

There's a number of other things, but yeah, that's what I'll take the actual credit for. The rest of it is exaggerated, misunderstood, or not even about me. If it's not all about me, then I'd like everyone else to stop making too many things all about me.

The Will

It's really important that your husband have a will, and that you know what's in it. Hopefully, he's willing to sit down with you and talk with you about it, taking your input and feelings into consideration. And I hope that you are given priority in his will, as the kids usually have an entire large family beyond you two to take care of them. You, on the other hand, don't have a secondary spouse's home to go to and another husband to suddenly take up your costs- which is usually what the kids have- Another home to go to, another family to ask for money from, another place of support. When your husband passes, you get to deal with the plans and major life change, while your stepkids may be adults at that time and might not even participate in the end of life plans. Especially if they swore you both off as the secondary parents who just aren't important.

Although we are not set up yet, we've discussed it. Bad, I know- but at least we're talking. We haven't ever talked about my will, though. My will at this point would be very simple: My husband will take it all, and give to others as he sees fit.

I realized the other day that in many cases, the working-successful-career stepmom will likely have more to give in her will than her husband's. Many stepmoms deal with the frustration and pain of their husband's income being split in half (give or take) for their ex-spouse and children. We continue to work, even if we have our own kids too, to make up for the lack of what our husband's can afford. We make the home, and lifestyle, a reality. And if our husband passes, we will likely continue to work, just like we did before- maybe because we are younger, because of our own kids, or because we have a career lifestyle.

And it occurred to me that therein lies a new strategy with those stepkids. Husbands might want to point out to older stepkids that their Stepmom is more likely to have more to give as she ages and in her will. Burning bridges with her is a pretty dumb long-term plan, really. It might be a financially sound decision to maintain relationships with dad AND stepmom, instead of focusing on the fight of who gets dad's money- which has usually already been siphoned off for years through alimony, the divorce itself, and child support. In fact, many men sold their assets in order to continue paying for alimony, custody, and their own homes and new families. There might not be anything left in their wills, but stepmom's funds can be protected by state law and not factored into the decades of child support.

I think this is overlooked. It might sound callous or calculating, but so much of family dynamics is tied to finances. It's true. Dependency, large downpayments, cosigning, college, emergencies....A lot of people are tied to family and maintain relationships with some sort of financial element, even if it's just guilt. Adult stepchildren have great financial incentive to keep stepmom in their lives, as grandma to their own kids, or friend into the adult years.

Would I put my stepkids in my will? At this time, no. But if they maintain a nice relationship with me, including me in their lives and with their future families, there's a very strong chance. If I see them as my only kids in the future, that truly makes sense. But at this time, they make it very clear that I am primarily an annoyance that would be better off not existing. That's too bad for them; I will probably be the only one left with any assets of either of their parents some day long into the future.

Afterword (in response to a comment)

A lot of the documentation of hate towards a stepmother for adult stepchildren is tied to her "taking dad's money" and warfare after his death over assets. Without a will, everyone will lose money in court deliberations. I see this more as a reality, and this post was an elaboration on a small realization. It was partially facetious, though quite honest.

One hopes that family doesn't stick around for money alone, and if your family is there without that incentive, and your family wouldn't war over assets after a funeral, then you are very blessed.

But sadly, this is a major truth for many; Many stepmoms are blamed and hated, long after dad has passed away. If the motivation of some kids is based on finances, which for many that is a large component, especially if they were raised by someone who is also calculating, then it could actually be worthwhile to make kids of that frame of mind to think twice about how they treat those that could help them long into the future. Sometimes one has to point out what the hater could be missing in order to spur a more open mind. So, expanding on the concept, as the stepchild matures, they would see their stepmom for who she is, because of the effort towards a relationship. In this case, belief and attitude would be following action, which is a tactic proven in social psychology. And that being said, a relationship would be developed even if the initial eye-opening moment was related to finances. Sometimes, that's all a person can see. There are many out there who are blinded by how they were raised, what they're being taught, or pure selfishness. And children have a hard time seeing through the fog and confusion, particularly when they have at least one person feeding them hate. We've found that sometimes, especially with a teenager, we have to point out simple, cold things to open her eyes and make her reconsider her path.

Boiling it down, wills are specifically tied to relationships. They reflect who and what is important to the deceased. So a stepchild that continued to be selfish and calculating wouldn't be able to maintain that relationship.

Join the Club

I can see the writing on the wall.

Ok, that's much too dramatic. Maybe a bit misleading.

I can relate, though. I now can relate to so many stepmoms out there. The stepmoms who just couldn't stay any longer. The ones who had to move on. The ones who completely detached from their "families."

I think I have become the Evil Stepmom.

It was a joke before. Before, I could see how easily I was twisted into an Evil Stepmom. It's very easy for everything I do and say to be misconstrued and used against me.

But many of us feel like we have turned into an Evil Stepmom.

For a while, we fight the notion. We can't believe people cast us as evil so quickly. We fight, fight, fight. We try so hard to not be that evil stepmom that the populace thinks we are. We know we are better and we firmly rise above it.

But, the people who matter don't notice or care. And their issues outweigh ours, and eventually, it wears and tears us down. We realize there's no point; there never was. Your efforts were all for naught. There's anger. There's depression. Then there's giving up.

I am now on the other side of resentment and bitterness. I now see where I am, how the kids view me, and that there may not be a return. The other side isn't peace or acceptance; the other side is hopelessness. There may be an acceptance...of what it is, and that the situation is not going to change, even in the future.

I'm fortunate to have an understanding and forgiving husband.. So fortunately, I will not be leaving my marriage. Our relationship is damaged from the strife over the years, but we are still a we. Most stepmoms can't say the same.

And yet, I still have gone through the transformation process. I can pinpoint moments, stages, and draw the cycle out. I think many other stepmom sites have done that already, so there's no need for me to elaborate. But I just wanted you all to know- I have joined you.

"In the Best Interest of _____"?

If you've been through any custody trial or legal paperwork, you know that whatever precedes or follows the phrase, "In the best interest of the children," is a big fat lie. You know that along with that phrase comes a boatload of crap that is fabricated to endorse only one parent.

Divorce and Traffic court are the only courts that don't depend on a shred of evidence to make decisions. It's your word, versus theirs.

Every time I hear the phrase "in the best interest of the children" I feel sick. It is used very seriously in court, to utter the most nonsensical stuff proposed by only one party. There's little logic or history behind it. The mediators and judges nod with looks of approval as if everything said was common sense.

Yet, we have to use it too. For some reason, despite the complete lack of any basis when tossing the phrase around willy nilly, it is a very powerful phrase that causes the other party to shudder in fear and load their weapons.

I hope, one day, to never hear that phrase again. It's a trigger for a gag reflex. When I see it in a newspaper article, I know that someone's lying somewhere in that story.

The Every Other Weekend Husband

My husband, standalone without all the junk that attacks him regularly, is a great, calm, nice man that wants to do his family right. He wants to take care of us, give us everything he can, and will be there for us until the end.

But he is an every-other-weekend dad. This is also referred to as "EOW" in custody/stepfamily forums online. This is the proper term that replaces the nasty and substantially overused "Disneyland Dad" term that so many people throw around loosely, not really realizing what they're saying. I've noticed that it is often used to describe a dad that the person (a woman) doesn't even know, usually adapted from a bitter mom, or used in defense by a dad who is trying desperately to prove that he loves his children and wants to be more than the D-land Dad title used against him in court. Using this term is insulting and automatically discounts a dad that rarely gets to see his children, plus shows pure ignorance of the real meaning behind it.

The every-other-weekend schedule hurts our marriage, substantially. We do a pretty decent job loving each other through all the crap his prior marriage has put on us, but the custody schedule and its severe limitations not only hurts the kids, but it hurts our home.

I have been told that I should just be happy we don't see the kids as much as we wish we could so that my husband and I can live it up and party every other weekend without the kids. Some moms are rightly jealous that we get some time off, and I get that sentiment plenty. It is true that we get to go out, go on some weekend outings, and things like that because of the custody schedule. What only stepmoms with limited custody know is that there's a huge downside to it, too.

This post isn't going to be about the obvious negative of the every-other-weekend schedule, though. But for the sake of the topic, let me put those points forward. It does suck plenty when you don't have the kids that your life revolves around, because well everything in your life does revolve around them in my case. Whether we see them or not, our schedules still reflect the kids' lives, whether it's sports or school meetings and events, or whatever. I live here because of them, so not seeing them more makes it somewhat annoying that I'm even living here. Their empty room, their stuff around your house- it sucks, even if they aren't the greatest kids in the world to me. We do still think about them, plan for them, and shop for them when they're not with us. We talk about them too much and regret how they can't go with us to many of the things we go to on their off weekend. And then there's the behavioral ramifications...The less the kids are with you, the more they'll treat you like you (and their dad) mean nothing to them. The family dynamic is completely tossed (and severely scarred) by such little amount of time together (as researchers have found). The flow, expectations and general respect are lost when custody is ridiculously low. The message to the kids is that you are not a full parent, your house doesn't matter that much, and my (the kids') time with you (dad/stepmom) isn't that important. You'd think it would be the opposite, and apparently sometimes kids pine for the parent they see less, but the kids' beliefs and behaviors actually reflect the custody share. (This is related to child development: self-preservation, necessary adjustment, and often manipulation.)

Still, this is more about the flip-side. The impact on the dad as a man of the house.

My husband is an extremely loving dad. End of story. That means the limited amount of time he has with the kids is precious and sacred. He has struggled for years with regular parenting because he wants every minute of his time with them to be happy and wonderful. Eventually, he had to let that go because they were struggling in life, hurting and thereby hurting each other and themselves, and he just had to be the parent that taught life lessons, character, and integrity. It is his role, and our home is damage control for their lives. So, on the "on" weekends with the kids, he focuses on them and I expect it to be that way.

The every-other-weekend schedule also means that if you are an active family who want the kids to experience as much in life as possible, learn more than what they get outside of your home (which is 75+% of the time), and do any family bonding, then your weekend ends up being jam-packed. There's sports, music lessons from friends who don't mind the whacky schedule, church, and whatever else your family values doing together that you have to shove into 25% the time. There are also rushed trips to see family hundreds of miles away, as they barely get to see those family members. There are even doctor appointments, haircuts, and other types of things if those matters tend to not be handled by the other house for some reason...Often shoved into a Friday afternoon or weekend clinics.

So...Our home is bipolar. As you can see. We are always active people, but it gets cranked up a level when the kids are with us. This is why stepmoms deal with a lot of stress and anxiety, but we know it's the deal. We ARE able to take a backseat when we want to, but that still means Dad is on duty. Good for you as a stepmom...but....

The means your weekends with your stepkids' father are his recovery weekend. We both work full time (or else we wouldn't afford the tiny house and the bills we have on top of custody payments), and that means that we're both craving time with each other, nearly every day. We're usually too tired to spend that time together, so the "off" weekends are when you get your husband. And all the activities we want to do to recover from the frantic time with the kids and attempt to keep the connection to each other. As I explain to many, we do a lot together on our off weekends to make up for the insanity of the custody schedule. (And sometimes to get out of the house if home issues are causing relationship strain, which remember, is where all the kids' stuff is- but without them. That in itself is a reason to get out of the house with your husband and remember who you are together in order to recharge for the next chaotic weekend or custody battle.)

But I've noticed over the years that my husband, although willing to be dragged around with me to do things, also crashes. He's exhausted. He exerts all his energy all the time instead of the normal family dynamic which would be up and down depending, and under our control. A part of the frantic-ness of a stepfamily with lesser custody is the lack of control over your own schedule. We don't get to pick the sports, we have little or no influence over decisions despite the requirement that my husband have equal decision making power, and we just plain get jerked around. We have no say in schools, and although he tries to remind their mom that he has equal decision and legal power, the person with the most custody knows their actual, literal power. So, you end up driving further away for anything and everything the kids do, and doing things you would never, ever sign your kids up for, if they were yours. And we generally have to take them, as otherwise it will end up in court as damaging the kids if we don't take them to something relatively silly or insignificant for the sake of family. There's also this perpetual "on" time when the kids are with us, where my husband just does not feel like he can take a break. He won't even go take a nap. His time is so short, he can't waste it. He wants every minute of it.

So, to recap: Nonstop action when with kids, exhausted when not.

For the wife, this translates into a husband who is unable to keep up his home unless he's got the metabolism of ... I don't know...a rabbit? For years, things remained broken. For years, projects were put off and only discussed. For years, I cleaned. Then the nagging started. I knew that my husband was exhausted, stressed, and continually worn out physically and emotionally. Still, I started to hate our home more and more as I continued to see it backslide and deteriorate. Arguments and flat out fights increased because he wasn't being the man I know he is at home. I started pushing him to do tasks when he either needed to be with the kids or needed to rest.

There just is no time left for him to be a husband and a home owner. Things just weren't getting done. I became a nagger, and resentful.

It's confusing, because on the one hand, the solution is to not see the kids (not an option for most fathers now) and get stuff done, OR see the kids more and let the family dynamic reflect a more normal, less frantic atmosphere that everyone appreciates. I do speak of this from experience. We had more custody once upon a time and we have more custody in the summers. The kids are more self-sufficient and willing to help out at home when they know they're invested. They are more respectful and more a part of the family, feeding the pets, cleaning, talking to me like a human being who cares for them, and just acting like normal kids rather than brats that take and take and return to mom tomorrow. Similarly, my husband is less stressed and anxious about every single minute. He knows they'll still be there, and therefore he can get a couple of things done in the meantime, whether for his house or himself.

Only court will change that, as the kids' mom is not capable of negotiation, a concept we've been trying to teach the kids so that they understand that in life, there are options for two parties to reach common ground without extreme anger.

I don't have a real solution for this. This is just reality, much like the rest of our stepfamily dynamic that people actually seem to think could change. (Hahahaha...) I wish we could afford a housekeeper, cleaning services, repairmen...But we can't. I love (hate, I meant) the suggestions in stepmom articles that you need to hire a house cleaning service and other such recommendations. If you have the means, more power to ya. Send some my way! This is why I enter contests for home makeovers constantly, thinking that this will be the solution to our home falling apart. I also wish we just happened to know people, or kids I guess, that would work on things in our house for cheap. But, we just don't. We do "know" some, but they don't live anywhere near us. So it is. Much like when you don't know anybody with a truck...That's us! That's life with when it revolves around your stepchildren and an every-other-weekend schedule plus weekday "dinner visits" of doom.

M-Day 2012

I'm going to keep this short and simple.

If you function as a mom, you deserve recognition as a mom. If the mom who gave birth and the stepmom both care for the child, they both deserve some form of recognition.

The mom will always have the all powerful bond and genetics and history and title and...and...and...more. If the stepmom functions as a mom in some way, giving of her life to raise the children as well, she can still deserve a call with a "Happy Mother's Day!", a card, a gift, a dinner. She will always and forever lack all the rest, from birth on, but she does deserve recognition for the work, effort, presence, guidance, and crap she puts up with from pure dedication. She may not seem perfect, act like "mommy", or be the Sound of Music (wannabe) nun, but she is there in their lives, serving as a mom in some capacity. And such, given the role she takes on, deserves some recognition on Mother's Day.

We honor our grandmas, friends who are mothers, and our friend's moms on mother's day. It's really not that hard to accept that the woman who also cooks, cleans, and cares for the kids gets some form of kudos on Mother's Day, as well. She fits in the category, by definition past birth, and anyone who says otherwise needs to examine where their judgement is truly coming from.

Oh, and cut that crap out, jealous moms. We'll always get the lesser gift, the forced "happy mother's day" wishes, and the afterthought. You won at the pregnancy and we don't know why you don't get that still. Be proud to be their real mom, and we wish you would be by showing your kids how self-assured and truly loving and accepting you are- by accepting us.

World-wide Parental Alienation

Parental Alienation doesn't just happen in the US... If you look around for groups that are fighting parental alienation and the court system, you'll find European groups first. Here's a video from the UK, by kids, about how they lost their father and their siblings in the British court system.

YouTube Video: End Our Silence

The Stepmom Circle

If I act perfectly, I will be mistreated, stepped on, and ignored.
If I act like a parent, I will be blamed and hated.
If I act like a fun friend, I will be blamed and mocked.
If I act my age, I will be mocked.
If I look my age, I will make them jealous and nasty.
If I act like an adult, I'm not fun.
If I ask to be respected and not ignored, I am mean.
If I ask to have something cleaned up or completed, I am strict.
If I maintain my own life and interests, I am selfish, self-possessed, self-involved.
If I help them with their homework, my standards are too high.
If I buy them gifts and clothes, I am trying to buy their love.
If I cook them the food they love, I am feeding them unhealthy food.
If I cook them healthy food, they don't eat it.
If I teach them something, I am pushing them too much.
If I try, I'm trying too hard.
If I disagree with them, I am evil.

In the Ideal Stepmom World...

Updated:
What I wish I would have known. What I wish I would have been told. What I wish had been handed to me in a guide, preferably in checklist format. Here are the ideals you should start with or work towards for your stepmom world, especially if it's not too late and you're getting ready for your stepmom life:

• If you're going to support your husband's court battles or be involved AT ALL, which by being his wife who loves him often can mean you are involved and can't just ignore the hell in his world, hire the best lawyer possible for your husband (if you're the only one with money after his years of divorce, alimony and custody) or simply help him hire the best lawyer possible by doing research, setting up interviews, and talking to people who know people, and then use up your money to get the best custody orders possible- Right from the start, out of court or in court. Erase the horrible agreement he made with her when he was clueless and trusted her to be a decent human being, which of course didn't happen, and just take care of it right off the bat. If out of court, do a home study immediately so that a professional can give an entire report about how your home and parenting are better than the other home. Find a pro-father out of court mediator, and do your research and call around before agreeing to it. Use your mediator and her mediator if there's a choice disagreement. If you're in a litigious situation, getting a great lawyer up front will save you so much more pain down the line-  your husband's pain of either losing his children, dealing with the dumbest agreements a mediator could ever turn into a template that they then pass on to every case, or continued court battles with a jealous idiot + your pain of dealing with it too, as you will factor into the crappy agreement that didn't even factor in the schedules of the actual parents, and watching him in pain for YEARS. Oh, and get an agreement that means that you will deal with her less. Even though you're not there, you can be factored into the agreement somehow. Yeah, it legitimizes you, but down the line you feel trapped. 
• Speaking of which, get a copy of their agreement and study it for days. Make a list of questions and warn your boyfriend/husband that you need the time to discuss this. Set up a time so he can prepare himself, as he could get defensive. He was likely steamrolled into this agreement, didn't know that some things would turn out the way they did, and didn't think through every part because the courts and even lawyers, if he even had one, don't give you enough time to review the agreement you're signing before you sign it. Be gentle with him and understanding that he may not have seen the repercussions of what he signed, especially not in light of a remarriage to another woman who may have other plans in mind. BUT you need to know. In a remarriage, this is just as important as looking at the finances up front. You need to know what you're signing up for, what you can expect for holidays, who gets who's insurance, retirement, pension, assets... Their custody agreement becomes your life. He may not think so at the beginning, oh but how you will realize this as time goes on. You need to see it for yourself and not depend on his memory of it, or his occasional moments of information sharing. (He will say he told you everything, but he told you everything he thought was important for you to know. Trust me, there's more that you would be concerned about. And you need to know about it AND understand it.) And honestly, it's possible he missed a few things. Regardless, his contract with his ex is now your life's/family's contract.
• Although you want to help your husband as much as possible and you feel and see his pain on a daily basis, do everything possible to cut yourself out of exchanges and ALL interactions with the children's mother. Just-do-it. Just get out of the mix. First of all, you may be helping, but you will resent it further and further down the line. Second, do you really want to interact with her? Your husband's ex? Really? Do you even want to SEE her? Even if you're doing OK with her now, things can change. It's documented (court statistics) that different events can cause an ex to change their demeanor and turn into a scary monster (events such as you getting pregnant, their remarriage to a guy with money to support her court efforts, your marriage, mental illness, and who knows). Didn't see that coming? Now you do.
•  Live in another town. Not the same town. Live in the town next door. Live somewhere where you don't run into her EVERYWHERE. You will end up with the habit of circling parking lots to see if her phantom car is there, or her family member's cars. You will think you see her down the next aisle, but it's really just someone else. You will avoid places she goes, even though you always went there. Just live in another town. A couple of miles won't hurt you. It may be slightly detrimental in court, so come with specific mileage of your distance from the children's schools. (Mothers can try to make it look like you moved "a whole town away!!!" to prove you clearly don't care about the children because you're not sharing the same house or street or neighborhood, and mediators show bias as if the town that's only 5 miles away is in another state. I kid you not, as we experienced this by living in "another county" which was on the border of the town of the kids and just 2 miles beyond where they lived with their mom. So arm your husband with the exact mileage that the next town over is from everything, to bring everything back into perspective. Especially when your distance from their schools is actually CLOSER than their own mother's, even though you're in the next town! Or something similar, like you live in a town with better schools, or you live closer to their future middle school or high school...Anything that erases the argument that you "moved away", which kids are also easily influenced by, as well, since their worlds are so relatively small until they start going to and from your house and realize it's not that far and maybe even closer to cooler stuff...)
• Get a HUGE house. Get the biggest house possible. Can't afford to buy a big house? Then DON'T buy a house! RENT the huge house until they're old enough to move out, or at least one of the kids is old enough to move out, or until you CAN buy the HUGE house. Why? You need your space. They will need their space when they are teenagers, too. But YOU need your space. And, you'll win custody fights purely based on the kids wanting their own rooms. Custody doesn't go to the parent who parents best or even looks good in court- It goes to the parent with the most space who allows them individual rooms or cool toys. Sounds petty? If you don't want to think about the crap that is family law decisions or you haven't encountered the truth yet, then focus on how you need your space. Your stepkids, although cute now (maybe, if they're young and not manipulated yet), will drive you up the wall more and more as you learn of their peculiar, strange "habits" (usually involving dirty socks and underwear...or, a lot worse...). Try as you might, you won't be able to change their peculiar, weird habits and you'll even maybe find that your husband somehow gave those habits to them... So it's best to give them, and you, SPACE. You will need it so badly. In fact, just get a duplex. One for them, one for you. When you can't stand them, retreat. Relax. Watch your favorite movies. Stay away from them, because the more you're angry, the more they don't want to come over and see their dad, which hurts you even more as you see your husband's pain. So, if you give yourself space, and the space to give yourself space, you'll fare so much better and make everyone happier. It's a win-win.                         Buying tips: If you get the sense that the house is "cozy", don't take it. That means it's WAY too small. If you get the idea that you'll be able to move up later, don't make that foolish mistake- your money will be gone before you know it, due to wonderful things like the economy, taxes, childcare, child expenses, child support, summer camps, a car and insurance for the teenager, college, family vacations, braces, etc. Don't plan on a move up later. You may not be able to until they're out of the house, due to money or custody orders (which can change to God-only-knows what). And don't buy a smaller house because you're concerned about the workload of maintaining it. You just need the space- even in a small house with kids, you'll be amazed at how your house is never clean. At least in a bigger house, your family's messes can be spread out or cut off from your favorite areas, rather than condensed and that much more apparent, often in the shape of piles and layers of grime. You will need your "sane" or clean areas that you will feel an ounce of control over.
• If their mom is involved in their lives, let her be in their activities. Keep your own activities. If she isn't involved, go for it. If she isn't involved in a particular activity, go for it but still be warned that she will cause drama after she sees how you've become involved. You can't escape it, and she'll either spread lies about you to others (oh well, because you were there first) or she'll just stop allowing the kids to go. It will hurt you, so be ready for it. Or, just don't volunteer for things involving your stepkids no matter how much you want to show them that you are capable of things and other people do like you. Volunteer with other people's kids or only your own, unless your stepkid specifically asks you to be involved. I think that's the one exception. Still, be prepared for their mom to not like that at all, and your stepkid to one day hate that activity after their mom's jealousy invaded their brain. And, if you're in my type of wonderfully volatile situation, you may even get their mom suddenly caring about that activity and turning it into some sort of "I can top you" war where she manages to get in your face at every turn! Oh, the joy. 
• Get some pets. Right away. Make it a wedding gift. One probably won't be enough. Get some pets that can give you a myriad of excuses for leaving the house or retreating to your bedroom, like a dog that allows you an ongoing excuse for miscellaneous activities like running, hiking, short walks, long walks, dog parks, grooming... And a cat or two for cuddling when you feel left out of the family affection or your husband needs to cuddle the kids and not you. (Get over it. Get a cat. They're super soft.)
• Keep your friends or get back in touch with your friends. You will easily be sucked out of your former life by a new love and his kids. His world is so full of...life (and drama...and baggage...) that it's easy to get lost in it and forget about you, and especially your old life. Then, at some point you'll realize you lost who you were and all your friends. Do your part to keep your friends. They will need you, you will need them. Don't scare them off with too many stories about your new stepmom world, which is easy to do, because they just won't understand. But, you still need them. So keep up the lunch and dinner dates and going out. You need it, and you'll need it later. They will need you when they have kids and other big life events. They're just confused by your current position in life, as they probably have already stated they would never choose this path. Did your marriage take you out of the area and you're no longer around your friends? Try to keep in touch, but if you can't physically meet up with them, then it's time to focus on making new friends. Make the effort. Join some groups, clubs, volunteer for something, etc. It will take time, so the sooner you join and get going, the better. Include your husband, or not. Just get moving on making new friends so that you have people to physically go out with, to meet up for drinks with, and to just get out with. You will need it and long for it. You will want to go do things that your new family won't care about, and it will be a fight to get them to enjoy it even if you talk them into it. But you also need someone that allows you interaction and discussion outside of your twisted world of family and in-laws. Can't make friends beyond the virtual kind? Go to meetup.com. Look for stepmom groups, book clubs, adventure clubs, couples clubs, religious clubs, etc. 
• Have a good job with a positive work environment. If you're in a job that makes you feel bad about yourself or makes you more stressed than you should be, get out before you become a stepmom. A bad job makes you that much more unhappy, and that much more unable to handle your new life and all it's insane responsibilities that no one in their right mind would commit to. You'll suddenly have kids, and need to use sick days and vacation days for the kids when your husband is working. You'll suddenly need to leave early to pick them up or come in late to drop them off. When you're in a toxic work environment, people will use that against you or your bosses won't allow you the flexibility you'll need. But most of all, your life will be stressful at home and at work, and you'll find yourself drowning. You need to make one of your primary environments less stressful as you navigate your new life and role and family. Getting a new job may not sound easy, but it's necessary if you're going to take on the Stepmom title.
• And the most common recommendation already out there: Get some hobbies. Keep yourself busy. Maintain a partially separate life where your stepkids and your husband's ex don't permeate the experience. Do some hobbies that make you feel accomplished and give you self-worth. You will need that as a balance to the way that stepkids and an angry mom can make you feel or kill all your hopes of things being easy or normal. It may seem like you're doing well as a volunteer for their school or their activities, but you may at one point feel like there's no escape to the bizarre world you're stuck in. If you have external activities, you will have more balance and perspective.
• Never, ever think that spending your money on your stepkids will change their actions, behaviors, and attitudes to and about you. It won't make a damn difference. They cannot connect money spent on them (that you earned and chose to spend on them) to care. Regular parents deal with this, there are tons of articles out there about how middle class kids (and beyond) have a sense of entitlement, and you'll have even less impact than a regular parent even if you buy them everything they've ever wanted and cook them their favorite, unhealthy meal on a daily basis. It won't matter. Their mom's opinion, and her family's, is what matters. You can go ahead and spend your money on those tickets or those clothes, but they won't remember that you did it for them or gave those things to them. You have to accept that, or not spend the money. You can focus on how you exposed them to culture and special events or helped shape their life into what it will become, but you can never expect them to connect your money and effort spent to a positive connection with you. And if you try to make them see the connection between care and time and earned-money spent, you'll find out that it is simply what they expect since you are their caretaker. It doesn't make you any more valuable, and could even be turned into "she tries to buy my affection." (Still, you CAN make them say thank you. You're never wrong for asking for manners and gratitude, just like any normal parent would. I'm not talking about house rules and repercussions for snotty behavior. Just your expectations.)

You may not be able to accomplish all of the above, but it's what I have realized would have made everything a whole lot smoother for all of us.There already exists a lot of "do's and don'ts" for stepmoms out there. I'm tired of those lists. They are specifically geared towards how to treat and think about your stepkids and their mom and how to change you and your thoughts and emotions. Let's be real and talk about things you can control in your environment that work out better for everyone, rather than your specific behavior and interactions- which are honestly pretty hard to control when everything's unnaturally insane or twisted. Notice that the only "thought" change I suggested was the last bullet point, and I struggled with whether to put that in. I struggle with that one the most! The other options are things you can change about your environment, in the ideal world....

In the ideal world, spend all your money on spa days, yoga classes, a sprawling house with a forest and mountains or the ocean in the backyard,  a vacation home, and lastly, a super crazy expensive lawyer that handles absolutely all interactions with your husband's ex.

Compartmentalizing

The honest truth is that one of my stepdaughters is just a girl, normal and all. She has moods, she has likes and dislikes, she sometimes tries to get out of trouble by lying or hiding something. But she reminds me of... a kid. She's just a kid.

My other stepdaughter reminds me of her mom. She embodies traits that I have always strongly disliked in others, that I then purposely avoid. She acts like one person sometimes, and other times you see the real her. She's one of those friends that you eventually decide to stay away from because you just can't trust them, and you're not sure who they really are.

My husband loves her to the end of the world, but he knows why I have major trust issues with her and why it's so hard for me to get past them. He respects that I don't share the same love and affection for her, based on her actions, attitudes, and choices over the years. He understands that I have been severely wounded by her actions and words, and that he shares many of those wounds. His heart for her is from her birth, though, and his love will be that of an unconditionally loving parent. It is absolutely different, though he does understand.

It's very hard to let hurtful individuals into your home. I'm sure all of you have experienced something where you weren't even sure about or comfortable with inviting one of your own family members into your home. If you haven't experienced that, you know plenty of people who have. Although you may care for a family member, you may not be in touch with them because of certain reasons. Or, maybe you haven't even talked to a certain family member in years or decades because of something that happened or because you are just different people. Or, you have a friend or family for which this is the case, if you yourself do not have this situation in your life.

When you have a personal problem with or a number of differences between you and another family member, usually you don't have to see them for a certain period of time. You can avoid until the next holiday. Let time heal. Let the anger subside or wait for an apology or your own forgiveness to set in. Or, simply deal with them for a couple of holidays a year. Or, if they live far away, send them the occasional card. Make the occasional call. It doesn't mean they have to come to your house every week.

My stepdaughters are my family. This much is true. I do not love them like my own children, but they are the closest to my own children that I may ever have. Who knows. It doesn't matter. They are my husband's children. And I love him more than anything in the entire universe, and by default I care for them more than any other child. When they hurt him, I am hurt by his hurt. When they are all 3 laughing together, I am feel so much joy to hear it. When they succeed, it makes me proud, but it makes my husband so much more proud, and that gives me joy. I want them to love him, I want him to see them, and I want them to be together. It's what I want, even if I technically don't want them, really.

When I am upset with my stepdaughters, usually due to ongoing, dragged out, life-suffocating drama of some sort where my husband and I are both severely concerned about their well-being and future, they will come over regularly. Not everyday, but nearly every other day. I don't get cool off time, like I do with the rest of my immediate family. Like my spouse, they will be in my house. I can't avoid them or let things settle down. And... I can't move away. They can't either. We all stay in this stew of mismatch.

I've found that although I don't unconditionally love them like their blood family members do, I can compartmentalize. Not always...I wish I could more and at all times. This is related to one segment of detachment concepts. Although I'd prefer to not hang out with someone as much as I do, I have to. I do my best to get along with them, or just co-exist, despite the anger and distance I feel inside over the latest set of lies, negligence, and disgraces. For the most part, I compartmentalize my real feelings. I'm not that comfortable with it, I've never been good at hiding my feelings, but I do it as much as I can. Some of their visits are short, so I just have to get through the time and keep myself distracted and busy. Still, I continue to take care of them like they are children in my home, like I am the mom of the house with all the jobs I've taken on for our family, and I function as an adult leader and guardian to them, whether I like them that day or not. I cook for them, help them, answer questions, participate in discussions and activities, buy them things they need. I function as their caretaker, and definitely as their mom when they're here, and I can't just quit, I don't turn into an evil stepmonster. I act like a regular mom...Though sometimes I hide or go on a whole lot of unnecessary errands.

The only time I completely lose ability to segregate my feelings with my actions is when they are rude and hurtful to their father and my husband, who is also my hero and best friend and heart. Which is, unfortunately, very often. I often can't believe what I'm hearing and seeing from his very own children, and any mom or wife would tell their children to not treat their father in that way. I'm sure he wishes I would defend him less, but I'm the only person who does. He's never had an advocate before, which is sad since  he should have at least had that in his first marriage.

It's a known theme of life for a stepmom to do a lot and be unappreciated, and although frustrating, it is also numbing and fits expectations. When they treat their dad in the same way, that infuriates me because he does love them without end. He is amazing, a wonderful father, but they have a mother who hates him and disrespected him for their entire lives. She is the center of their small worlds, and this rubs off on her children. They have "mom-glasses" if you will, and when they come off, they are normal kids who love their dad and act normal again. The nasty attitudes, distanced behavior, lies, hiding, shields, and defensiveness wear off, and sometimes very quickly these days. But with short visits, there's a lesser chance of the glasses coming off. (Dr. Richard Warshak explains how this happens in his books and articles, if you're interested or if you still believe children couldn't possibly be turned against their own parent without cause.) 


It's a very odd situation to have a home you run, where someone that you don't care for constantly comes over. Maybe some of you have this with a mother-in-law or your husband's ex, and it's time to enforce some boundaries. But I have no choice, and I do not have the right to ask her to leave (well, unless she did something truly exceptional). As a matter of fact, I wish she came over more. Isn't that funny? Although I wish we weren't "related" to this personal of a degree, I also know she would benefit from more time with her dad and vice versa. And we actually all work better together and are more of a family when we're together more. (The kids realize you and your husband are the authority, albeit temporary, and become more accepting of your home and rules when they know they're not reporting it all to their mother in less than an hour.) Another contradictory oddity of a stepfamily- Things can actually be less stressful and more smooth if you're together more. My goal is to help my husband and love him. Which means wanting my stepkids, caring for them as if they were my own as much as I can or am willing to, even if I also technically don't want them at the same time.