The Anxiety of A Custodial Visit

The anxiety of a custodial visit.

1. Get to a doctor and get some anti-anxiety meds before you develop panic attacks. I waited too many years on that one... And it was really easy to get. (Yay prescription drugs!) Maybe because if you say "I'm a stepmom" to any certified doctor, they instantly get it.
1. How do you know if you are experiencing anxiety and attacks? Hard to breathe? Super nervous? Sweaty? Hating life right now? Wishing you could run, run, run away?
   Maybe even freaking out?
2. Why are you picking up the kids again? 
1. Yeah, I know, it is impossible for your husband to make it. He doesn't want to lawyer up again. He doesn't want to fight her for a more reasonable custody arrangement. He's happy for what he got. I know. I know. 
2. You're doing your part to make sure the kids stay in your family, to make your husband's life easier, to make sure your husband sees his kids even though he works an hour away and struggles through insane traffic just to get there to see his kids for at least half an hour. You are doing your part, you are honorable, you are working hard to maintain composure. You left work early for this. You are thinking this was a mistake. You are not sure what they will say and do when they get to your car. You're not sure what she will do and say, making everything so much worse and something you have to record for court. You're watching the clock. She's late. Again. Why are you doing this!?!?
3. Then you hear the kids laughing with their Dad- one hour later. You hear the joy. You hear his love for them, and you realize how different of a night it would have been if you had not been able to pick up the kids. 

And the process starts all over again, 2 nights or one week later.

A lot of stepmom guides, articles, books suggest that you give up and stop doing this stuff for your husband.
Sure, sure. And you want him to lose his kids? Why is that not covered?

Some books and articles argue that if he can't handle it, then he shouldn't be making you do it.

I get that logic, and I would have supported it if his kids had been complete hellions, I guess. Maybe. Not even then maybe, because as demonstrated above, the love that fills your home, FINALLY, when he has not seen the kids for a week...It's worth it. 

But do try to do more for you. Make sure he understands what it is like. Make sure he does his part. Make sure he takes some time off work. Make sure you go out. Make sure you get you time.

Sometimes, drop them off to him, and go out by yourself. DO IT. Don't cook dinner every night. Let him cook dinner, even though he had a long day of work. (There's plenty of microwavable stuff out there.) Let him take the kids out. You did your part and got them home; but now he can take them out and have time with them alone, which is great no matter what for all parties. You are allowed breaks. You are allowed you time. You are allowed your friends.

There are plenty of nights where I realized I couldn't do it anymore, and I called him to let him know that things were not well between the skids and I. I would let him know, and he now knows without explanation, "You are taking them out tonight." And there were nights that he knew were so bad that he needed to keep them out. They had their homework with them, or he had books or tablets with fun things in them to do, and they would entertain themselves somewhere else. Honestly, I consider that stepmom-forced-quality time. (Often when they are all home together, he defaults to just TV watching. On the nights where I asked they go out and stay out, he truly spent time with them- and they loved it. Completely doubtful that they even asked why they weren't going home instead. Dad time is Dad time, period.)

So, do that. Don't be afraid. Ask for You time, and make sure that you get a return on your part. You don't have to do it all; but I completely understand why you aren't giving up on one of the most stressful parts of this life. I totally get it. And not all stepmoms are in agreement that you should completely disengage. Trust me. And we're here for you. Let's do virtual drinks sometime. =)

Mother's Day Recap

For the first time in 7 years, I received Happy Mother's Day texts from my stepdaughters. They also gave me a nice card and repressed general complaints and moodiness on Saturday, the day before. It was a nice weekend. I am happy to report that I no longer get to say, "I have never heard from them on Mother's Day."

So, I wanted to comment on some of the happenings I witnessed around me.

I noticed a general trend of Dad's not caring a bit about honoring their wives on Mother's Day, or helping the kids to honor their mom. I heard a number of stories that embodied the, "What? You're not my mom," logic.

I find this highly ironic, as MANY stepmoms help their stepkids honor their mom, no matter the poor relationship between them. Not only should a stepmom probably not bother, but they do it despite their own deep hurt and tears. Wow.

That is not me. But I have read many-a-post from hundreds of stepmoms who do this every year, and then fret when the kids are teens and don't care about doing something for their moms! They question what they should do, if they should force the teen to do something or just let it be...Amazing!

Why would they do this? Because they feel it is the right thing to do. They feel that it is just right to teach kids how to honor their parent. I believe I would likely feel that way as well, if the kids weren't with their mom 70% or if she hadn't poisoned my life. It seems like a lot of the stepmoms help their kids do something for their moms when they have more custody or have a civil relationship, or even slightly-less-than-civil relationship with the mom.

Back to Dads: In one case, the young teen daughter was pissed because Dad wouldn't help her pay for a gift for mom (who is also a stepmom). In another case, one of the stepkids (also a teen daughter) went ahead and expressed gratefulness to her stepmom even though her dad wasn't willing to do anything for her. So, although these husbands kind of suck, at least two kids (young teens, both) saw past it. That gives me hope for those of you that don't receive any recognition, or just a mention, for your work, dedication, and love, even if you're husband doesn't "get it."

I also saw an increase in Stepmoms sharing super positive messages with each other late Saturday and early Sunday. Talk about bolstering the troops! Thank you, active meme-posting, ultra-positive stepmoms out there who were battling the feeling of defeat before it could sink in!

I loved the messages of "whether recognized or not, you are a mom." I liked one particular post where a woman described her night of cleaning up puke at 2am and stated there's no way anyone could say she's not a mom after her night! Damn straight! I like this path we're headed down as a group. I see a stronger voice among us, finally, stating that not all stepmoms are secondary and to accept your misery. F that.

I also saw an increase of the inclusion of moms of all sorts from kids. Very good. Maybe there is a growing acceptance. (Or am I just being a bit naive since I heard from my s'kids this year?)

I am very aware that I am a secondary mom, unlike many stepmoms who are actually the primary!
And if I am not a mom, then I am a parent- and both of my stepkids do know that. Our house would not be functional without that basic level of role acceptance.
If you can't bare to call me a mom, then the only other appropriate term to describe who I am to them is "advocate." I am not "like an aunt," which I hear many people advise us to be. I am not just an adult. I am much more than another person in their lives. I do know them better than anyone else, other than their parents. I do not put myself ahead of their mom (because she's scary) but I do advocate on their behalf sometimes in direct contrast to mom. You can consider that wrong, but I've been thanked by the kids for the times where I made something happen for them that wouldn't have otherwise. That's enough for me to know.

Remember being super angry at your parents or wishing you could pick other parents? Most of us, probably 99%, had those kid or teenaged moments. If you felt ignored by your parents at times, or like they didn't get you, I get the benefit of sometimes being the person who steps in. I mostly belong in the general-parent pile, and the typical youth angst is easily directed at me, but in other times, I see where the "regular" parents may be missing something. Simple day-to-day example: When one kid is doing something that both parents want to see or are required to attend, but the other kid is just dying to do something else or needs more time for homework...I can make the something else happen. I don't do it out of request from my husband...He is usually focused on what he needs to do. I see it coming and ask if I can take the other one to what they want to do. In other times, there are more important things for me to step up to and advocate for. Through years of reading up on rights and trying different angles, I am considered a parent in most official capacities and therefore can make things happen. (If you need tips, message me!)

I'm proud to have filled the occasional gap. That's my most important role in their lives.

I hope your Mother's Day went well. If not, I hope you have a little vacation for yourself planned soon or some girlfriends who sent you love. Now, forget about it until it sneaks up on us next year!

Dads and Depression

I would like to preface this post with: It has taken me a long time to finally write this post. It has been stirring in my mind for many years, and I feel like it is time to get it out there. 

Men are different from women.

Duh. You don't need to read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, a book from a wholly unqualified pundit, in order to know the obvious.

When you're married, though, you really learn how different you are. Even if you grew up with brothers (that just gave you an advantage), you will learn that men are definitely on a different plane.

My husband and I are soul mates and often think the same. It's a lot of fun to hold your thoughts, but then share them and find out the other person had the exact same thought- even word for word. We generally feel the same thing or get the same vibe, have the same reaction, and like and dislike the same things- usually. But still, he is glaringly different than I am sometimes, and I can see the "man" in him. (Or "boy", you know, sometimes.)

I can list out things, but you totally already know what I mean. They process differently. They have different emotions, usually. They think their own way...which can also just describe the differences from person to person, sans gender, but it's just glaringly apparent in marriage.

So, why, then, do we, as women, expect them to do the same things when confronted with divorce, the loss of their children through court or parental alienation, or parenting?

Really think about that, please.

Think of the things a mom/woman does when confronted with the same situations. Is it different? Does she respond differently?

Yes. And there's plenty of court data to prove it, if you want to dig (as most courts and states don't keep fantastic data, but when a grad student chooses to hunt it down, they succeed in proving the same things over and over).

Let's explore some findings from various courts around the country:

• Women file for divorce. The man may have asked for it, the man could have caused it, but the woman takes the legal action and first steps.
• Women file restraining orders. Men rarely do. (Although domestic violence perpetuation is 50/50 by gender.)
• Women file for full custody. Men rarely do (but not because they don't want it. They are often quoted and documented as stating, "I didn't think I could get it." or "The kids deserve to see their mother.")
• Women get a lawyer. Men often don't and ask to negotiate out of court. Men are often unrepresented, choosing to represent themselves (mistake, but usually for financial reasons). Women's lawyers, as I have learned from first hand experience as well, often tell them that "he will pay" for all the court and legal fees. (Not always true...Depends on the court or judge...)
• Women file first, whether for custody or other legal action. The parties may agree to go to court, but for some reason, the woman is the primary litigant in over 90% of most courts (who have data they can report). 

Ok, so there's some known legal, court, child custody, divorce related facts. I can send you some reports if you're interested. 

What about in terms of handling the split parenting dynamic? Parental Alienation and manipulation? Shared custody difficulties? 

Women, moms, seem to see it all as a fight. That they WILL WIN their children, "their babies," at ALL COSTS. There is a pure determination there, and that determination may have no consideration of the destructive toll it may take on anyone in its path.

Men may express this as well, but frankly, not usually. They usually don't realize until it's a bit too late that war was just waged against them. They may not realize until it's too late that they literally just lost their kids- physically and/or mentally. Hindsight always being clearer, they realize that they didn't have what it took to battle the unforeseen, and they really, really didn't see any of that comin'.

As a depressive, I can tell you that men go through stages, addressed in a number of books for men dealing with divorce, that mirror a depressive's. Yes, women go through depression after a divorce as well, but men go through it differently. Men experience depression differently than you do. Done. End. It's just true. Men are under-diagnosed as depressives or experiencing depression because they: 1) Don't recognize it, 2) Don't seek help, and 3) WE don't recognize male depression EITHER.

The men in our lives also don't just go through depression around the period of the divorce. They likely go through it prior to, during, and following court battles or realization of PAS. And the depression continues as they realize more and more that they are losing their children ways beyond physical time.

Do you really know what depression is? Most people don't. As a depressive, I know that it's likely that you don't actually understand it unless you're diagnosed yourself. And even if you are close to someone who is a depressive, it doesn't mean that you "get it." Many people have tried to help me with depression, and did not succeed. Part of their problem was "trying to help" me. Usually their beliefs, and approach, were wrong.

So, let's move forward with assuming you don't know everything about severe depression.

Real depression, or severe depression, is not just sadness over loss. There's temporary depression, something one would experience after a bad life event, like job loss, marriage loss, or the loss of a loved one. Most people come out of it. And then there's serious depression, where you don't come out of it. Real depression involves pure hopelessness.

Pure hoplessness? Consider this for a second. What does it mean? That is the key to understanding depression.

The best way to describe it for a contemporary audience is through the Harry Potter Dementors. Yes, I just did that. Yes, the Dementors. They describe and embody pure loss, hopelessness. Described in the book as such, they were physical embodiments of depression. It overcomes you. You cannot think normally. You cannot see the possible hope of the future, the possible positive outcomes, or understand what someone means by, "It will work out!" (The worst? "Cheer up!" Omg. Top of the Worst-Things-To-Say-To-A-Depressive list!)

Men may act differently than a women when depressed (not always, but often), but it is still real and still a depression. We have similar symptoms, but commonly show them differently. And most of all, women identify and express, men-do-not. They are not taught to do so like we are, and they are also not necessarily encouraged to do so through the entire course of their lives.

So now, let's examine how they're different in action regarding child custody, as well.

A man, going through a depression, is likely to succumb easily to pressures due to hopelessness. If you have no hope that anything will work out, you let go. You say "sure" and you let your ex take way more than she really should, despite the lack of honest justification. You may love your kids, but you feel so much loss and pressure and, well, hopelessness, that you just can't imagine doing anything about it or having the power or energy to fight. (A major symptom of a depressive is lack of energy, drive, motivation, etc.) You also can be easily convinced, in this state, that you are useless and unnecessary as a father, as the negative messages being served to you in court papers and other such avenues (the kids, for instance) are overwhelming and may actually seep in and circle around in your thoughts day and night.

When you're in a severe depression, you do not see your worth. You do not see how you are of any use. You convince yourself that maybe your ex does deserve the kids. Maybe you are a useless father. Maybe you are so stupid that you shouldn't have a right to see your kids. You feel like maybe you shouldn't exist. Maybe you should just leave them be. Maybe you are bad for your own kids......(even though you've never done anything to hurt them, ever, but they are convinced of it...so...what's the point?)

This thought process just illustrated can effect any type of man going through this, from CEO to laborer. Depression brings down anyone to that level, and it is very hard to get it off your back. It takes time to build up from and out of. It's like drowning. 

People often judge men for their decisions regarding their children. They think it is wrong that a man didn't "fight" for his kids as horribly... uh, I mean, "strongly"... as the mom did. They judge him for losing custody. They think he deserved it, must have been terrible or abusive, was lazy, or just didn't love his children enough to fight for his kids.

No.

That isn't what happened. You're coming from your perspective and not that of a man who has gone through what he has gone through and been convinced, often through verbal and emotional abuse, that he is useless.

When in battle against a mother, be proud of any action the dad took to try to maintain contact with his children. Until you've been in the fight from a father's side, against an abusive, raging, or just plain super angry mom, you won't know how freaking lovely it would be to simply give up- and how that often seems to be the only option. It takes an INSANE amount of willpower for a man to go up against the insanely jealous, evil, hateful, and possessive woman- no matter how much integrity and love he has. (Think about it. A woman's wrath...Yeah. Admit it. We know how bad it is, and we know how to employ it.)

And the hardest period for a Dad who has lost most of the custody of his kids? When another man, who has shown himself to not be a "fit" (legally) parent has taken over and starts to purposefully replace his position. That- that- is the worst. That is when men definitely go through depressions, because it is true powerlessness. It is a true loss, to watch as your kids are with someone defined by court as being unfit to parent his own children. So not only has "orignal dad" lost his children, but now he is losing them in other ways, and worried constantly. Not only was he still a father before, worrying about his children when they weren't physically with him, but now he has this added level of fear and concern on top of it, while watching his kids be (usually) forced to consider "new dad" as more important and meaningful, considering the loss of pure time & presence (custody) of "original dad."

It is unfortunate that the courts, mediators, and women in general cannot understand this dynamic of a father who has lost his children. I would like to see the awareness and understanding increase, as men are not unfeeling beings, lacking emotion. Especially when it comes to their own offspring. Men are not all cold and heartless about their children. Men do not all leave their children, and that over-assumed statistic is decreasing quickly. Men are increasingly voicing their right to see their children, when they've done nothing wrong to deserve it.

And also, men may SEEM cold and unfeeling when going through all of this, when they've had to save their sanity and give up in order to not lose their jobs. (I have to honestly say that men are a little better at prioritizing...I'm much more likely to be a mess at work over something, daily, than my husband will ever be. Emotions do not overtake his workday, because other people depend on him. I, on the other hand, can fall apart...Oo, I just realized a double standard!) Men, when preserving themselves, sometimes shut off or shut down, as you've likely witnessed. It is a mental and physical reaction to the emotional turmoil and stress put on them, and they decide to maintain function on behalf of everyone (in order to keep that child support going and not endure more legal trouble).

We also have a very vast tendency to misunderstand a man's reaction. Why is it OK for a women to yell and scream hysterically, throwing crap all over the place, but it is too much for a man to hit a wall? Women and men express emotions, and both express them appropriately and inappropriately. Domestic violence disputes are 50% caused, initiated, and perpetuated by both sexes. I would like to see an actual depiction of abuse as well, but men underreport abuse from their wives and domestic partners. (They also tend to not see it as abuse, while if the same actions were taken man to woman, it would be absolutely immediately thrown into the "abuse" category.)

There's obviously a lot to say here, a lot I've realized and thought about over the years. I would like to see a societal change, and I'm assuming this blog is not enough. I don't also believe that the majority of therapists even understand this dynamic.

If you have a job for me in which I can directly attack these widespread misconceptions on behalf of men, please let me know. ;-p I'd be happy to elaborate more.

The Every Other Weekend Husband

My husband, standalone without all the junk that attacks him regularly, is a great, calm, nice man that wants to do his family right. He wants to take care of us, give us everything he can, and will be there for us until the end.

But he is an every-other-weekend dad. This is also referred to as "EOW" in custody/stepfamily forums online. This is the proper term that replaces the nasty and substantially overused "Disneyland Dad" term that so many people throw around loosely, not really realizing what they're saying. I've noticed that it is often used to describe a dad that the person (a woman) doesn't even know, usually adapted from a bitter mom, or used in defense by a dad who is trying desperately to prove that he loves his children and wants to be more than the D-land Dad title used against him in court. Using this term is insulting and automatically discounts a dad that rarely gets to see his children, plus shows pure ignorance of the real meaning behind it.

The every-other-weekend schedule hurts our marriage, substantially. We do a pretty decent job loving each other through all the crap his prior marriage has put on us, but the custody schedule and its severe limitations not only hurts the kids, but it hurts our home.

I have been told that I should just be happy we don't see the kids as much as we wish we could so that my husband and I can live it up and party every other weekend without the kids. Some moms are rightly jealous that we get some time off, and I get that sentiment plenty. It is true that we get to go out, go on some weekend outings, and things like that because of the custody schedule. What only stepmoms with limited custody know is that there's a huge downside to it, too.

This post isn't going to be about the obvious negative of the every-other-weekend schedule, though. But for the sake of the topic, let me put those points forward. It does suck plenty when you don't have the kids that your life revolves around, because well everything in your life does revolve around them in my case. Whether we see them or not, our schedules still reflect the kids' lives, whether it's sports or school meetings and events, or whatever. I live here because of them, so not seeing them more makes it somewhat annoying that I'm even living here. Their empty room, their stuff around your house- it sucks, even if they aren't the greatest kids in the world to me. We do still think about them, plan for them, and shop for them when they're not with us. We talk about them too much and regret how they can't go with us to many of the things we go to on their off weekend. And then there's the behavioral ramifications...The less the kids are with you, the more they'll treat you like you (and their dad) mean nothing to them. The family dynamic is completely tossed (and severely scarred) by such little amount of time together (as researchers have found). The flow, expectations and general respect are lost when custody is ridiculously low. The message to the kids is that you are not a full parent, your house doesn't matter that much, and my (the kids') time with you (dad/stepmom) isn't that important. You'd think it would be the opposite, and apparently sometimes kids pine for the parent they see less, but the kids' beliefs and behaviors actually reflect the custody share. (This is related to child development: self-preservation, necessary adjustment, and often manipulation.)

Still, this is more about the flip-side. The impact on the dad as a man of the house.

My husband is an extremely loving dad. End of story. That means the limited amount of time he has with the kids is precious and sacred. He has struggled for years with regular parenting because he wants every minute of his time with them to be happy and wonderful. Eventually, he had to let that go because they were struggling in life, hurting and thereby hurting each other and themselves, and he just had to be the parent that taught life lessons, character, and integrity. It is his role, and our home is damage control for their lives. So, on the "on" weekends with the kids, he focuses on them and I expect it to be that way.

The every-other-weekend schedule also means that if you are an active family who want the kids to experience as much in life as possible, learn more than what they get outside of your home (which is 75+% of the time), and do any family bonding, then your weekend ends up being jam-packed. There's sports, music lessons from friends who don't mind the whacky schedule, church, and whatever else your family values doing together that you have to shove into 25% the time. There are also rushed trips to see family hundreds of miles away, as they barely get to see those family members. There are even doctor appointments, haircuts, and other types of things if those matters tend to not be handled by the other house for some reason...Often shoved into a Friday afternoon or weekend clinics.

So...Our home is bipolar. As you can see. We are always active people, but it gets cranked up a level when the kids are with us. This is why stepmoms deal with a lot of stress and anxiety, but we know it's the deal. We ARE able to take a backseat when we want to, but that still means Dad is on duty. Good for you as a stepmom...but....

The means your weekends with your stepkids' father are his recovery weekend. We both work full time (or else we wouldn't afford the tiny house and the bills we have on top of custody payments), and that means that we're both craving time with each other, nearly every day. We're usually too tired to spend that time together, so the "off" weekends are when you get your husband. And all the activities we want to do to recover from the frantic time with the kids and attempt to keep the connection to each other. As I explain to many, we do a lot together on our off weekends to make up for the insanity of the custody schedule. (And sometimes to get out of the house if home issues are causing relationship strain, which remember, is where all the kids' stuff is- but without them. That in itself is a reason to get out of the house with your husband and remember who you are together in order to recharge for the next chaotic weekend or custody battle.)

But I've noticed over the years that my husband, although willing to be dragged around with me to do things, also crashes. He's exhausted. He exerts all his energy all the time instead of the normal family dynamic which would be up and down depending, and under our control. A part of the frantic-ness of a stepfamily with lesser custody is the lack of control over your own schedule. We don't get to pick the sports, we have little or no influence over decisions despite the requirement that my husband have equal decision making power, and we just plain get jerked around. We have no say in schools, and although he tries to remind their mom that he has equal decision and legal power, the person with the most custody knows their actual, literal power. So, you end up driving further away for anything and everything the kids do, and doing things you would never, ever sign your kids up for, if they were yours. And we generally have to take them, as otherwise it will end up in court as damaging the kids if we don't take them to something relatively silly or insignificant for the sake of family. There's also this perpetual "on" time when the kids are with us, where my husband just does not feel like he can take a break. He won't even go take a nap. His time is so short, he can't waste it. He wants every minute of it.

So, to recap: Nonstop action when with kids, exhausted when not.

For the wife, this translates into a husband who is unable to keep up his home unless he's got the metabolism of ... I don't know...a rabbit? For years, things remained broken. For years, projects were put off and only discussed. For years, I cleaned. Then the nagging started. I knew that my husband was exhausted, stressed, and continually worn out physically and emotionally. Still, I started to hate our home more and more as I continued to see it backslide and deteriorate. Arguments and flat out fights increased because he wasn't being the man I know he is at home. I started pushing him to do tasks when he either needed to be with the kids or needed to rest.

There just is no time left for him to be a husband and a home owner. Things just weren't getting done. I became a nagger, and resentful.

It's confusing, because on the one hand, the solution is to not see the kids (not an option for most fathers now) and get stuff done, OR see the kids more and let the family dynamic reflect a more normal, less frantic atmosphere that everyone appreciates. I do speak of this from experience. We had more custody once upon a time and we have more custody in the summers. The kids are more self-sufficient and willing to help out at home when they know they're invested. They are more respectful and more a part of the family, feeding the pets, cleaning, talking to me like a human being who cares for them, and just acting like normal kids rather than brats that take and take and return to mom tomorrow. Similarly, my husband is less stressed and anxious about every single minute. He knows they'll still be there, and therefore he can get a couple of things done in the meantime, whether for his house or himself.

Only court will change that, as the kids' mom is not capable of negotiation, a concept we've been trying to teach the kids so that they understand that in life, there are options for two parties to reach common ground without extreme anger.

I don't have a real solution for this. This is just reality, much like the rest of our stepfamily dynamic that people actually seem to think could change. (Hahahaha...) I wish we could afford a housekeeper, cleaning services, repairmen...But we can't. I love (hate, I meant) the suggestions in stepmom articles that you need to hire a house cleaning service and other such recommendations. If you have the means, more power to ya. Send some my way! This is why I enter contests for home makeovers constantly, thinking that this will be the solution to our home falling apart. I also wish we just happened to know people, or kids I guess, that would work on things in our house for cheap. But, we just don't. We do "know" some, but they don't live anywhere near us. So it is. Much like when you don't know anybody with a truck...That's us! That's life with when it revolves around your stepchildren and an every-other-weekend schedule plus weekday "dinner visits" of doom.