WAYS TO CELEBRATE MOTHERS DAY FOR STEPMOMS

There's always gotta be a Mother's Day post, right?

Heck yeah!

I always have commentary on this.

This year, I got a Happy Mother's Day text from my youngest step first thing in the morning! I was barely awake! Super awesome. It made my day. I didn't need the cards they had prepared a week in advance, but those had actual thoughtful notes in them as well! Amazing! I was shocked. I was also shocked to hear from my oldest step, super late at night- another text. Nice of her, but not really necessary, given the card and that we are not on good terms right now. So, especially given those facts, pretty impressive.

The most amusing, and beyond obviously telling, was the card comparison. One got me a full blown, sappy, fantastic Mother's Day card that says "Mom" on the front. The other is a non-specific random card, but the fact that there are sentences in there that specify recognition for doing stuff for her- Sure. I got it. I understand. It's fine. The sentences, written in her handwriting, were the part that mattered anyways! (And then later, my husband admits to picking the card himself, and all that meaning goes way out the window...But also shows that he knows his daughter quite well enough.)

That being said, as other stepmoms have pointed out in cyber world, I am getting this (newly) consistent and day-of recognition now, after 9 years. Someone aptly pointed out that they noticed that stepmoms with older skids were the ones often with a phone call or other type of honor. I think last year was the first year I got texts from both of them the day of. My husband, though, also would usually have them do something "for" me the weekend before or week after. More his effort than theirs.

I read a smattering of articles out there about what you should expect on Mother's Day, as a stepmom.

HAHAHAHA.

Don't listen to other people maybe. That's my first piece of advice. Even "expert" stepmoms are full of crap sometimes.

I hate how in their articles of "Stepmoms are decent people trying really hard" they bury in archaic, inapplicable, or just out of touch advice.

Look, if you do a ton of crap for you stepkids, you deserve some sort of honor in some way. And if it isn't on Mother's Day specifically, that's OK- but your husband, family, others, need to respect your choice and role to put yourself into the center of the fire. Bonfire, if you will. Your stepkids DO need to learn how to honor people of importance in their lives, especially the person who fills in for the mom role every other weekend, during the summer, or whatever it is.

It shocks me that the articles about Stepmoms on Mother's day are still saying things like, "You are not mom." No, f' no. No, you are not. We FREAKING KNOW THAT. Stop telling us that!!!! Why are you still even typing that!?!? We freaking, really already know we are not their birth moms, and we remember on a freaking DAILY basis. Stop even printing that like there's an assumption we're all morons, unclear on where our stepkids came from!!

But those same articles usually go on to say that Stepmoms play an important role and describe it, like people who aren't stepmoms are even bothering with this article. Give me a break. Stop the age-old placation. Start with "Stepmoms do a lot of crap, by the way, world. And if they function as a mom to their skids, maybe they should get some credit."

I'm sorry, but it is NOT so wrong that the kids texted me "Happy Mother's Day" on Mother's Day. No, it is not. Get over yourself. I did not spend the day with them. I did not take them away from their mom. I did not demand that they spend time with me. THAT would be ridiculous, especially in my situation. As a matter of fact, every full-time stepmom I've ever read articles from has said how they welcome Mother's Day as one of the only days of the year where they get a break and are super happy to let the kids be with their mom. It's really the non-custodial or partial that hurt, and we are the ones who have absolutely NO SAY in whether the kids spend an ounce of time with us pretty much any day besides this somewhat random holiday.

Stating in articles that a Stepmom doesn't have rights to Mother's Day tells me that you don't know very much. I've never heard, seen, read that a Stepmom wants the rights to Mother's Day. The Stepmoms crying on Mother's Day are hurt by REJECTION. Complete, total, day after day rejection. There's a LOT more going on than just "Their real mom gets attention on Mother's Day" (said by no stepmom ever).

A Stepmom DESERVES SOME CREDIT unless she has no presence in her step's lives. And by no presence, I mean that- not what the child or adult child "perceives" as no presence. (There is a major difference.) And the no presence stepmoms? I don't know why, but then they actually fit the "Dad's Wife" category, and it makes sense. UNLESS they at some point DID in fact help raise the kids in the past or are attempting to have a part in their skids lives. Then, they still deserve some credit. Did they raise their stepkids through their young years, and then custody changed because Mom wanted them back or something changed- completely out of stepmom's control, always, of course- and now they hurt? Now they wonder what happened to the kids they spent so many years substituting for their "actual" mom?

Stepmoms deserve credit. Get over it. We're not out to steal Mother's Day, but we want recognition that we are here, that we clean up after your kids, that we take them to soccer practices, that we sacrificed our careers too, buy the groceries and watch them disappear, pay for your Netflix obsessions, renewed the Xbox subscription, help your Dad maintain the mortgage and bills, planned the vacations, made sure you were signed up for camp in time, etc., etc., etc..... Oh man. Just let us have that.

Really have issues with Mother's Day and Stepmoms? Why don't more articles published right before Mother's Day cover some super BASIC ways of celebrating Mother's Day Stepmom style? Why are these not making it to the major websites and "Stepmom Coach" websites yet?

Ways to Celebrate Mother's Day for Stepmoms (because you still don't "get" it...)

• Celebrate before or after. Make it a specific day, or don't. Whatever works. (There is a specific Stepmother's Day, so that would work, too. Make it legit.)
• Have the kids get her a card or flowers before, and she can open it on Mother's Day when she's ultimately questioning all of her life's decisions. 
• Can't even get the kids to get her a Mother's Day card? How about Thank you cards? Funny cards they picked out if they're young and not super snarky yet? Something is seriously better than nothing, and exactly how hard is this? (Oh right, not. Not at all.)
• Ask that they simply send a private message on FB, text, Twitter on Mother's Day to say "thanks for all you do and have a nice day!" Which is code for "thinking of you, recognizing you, but in no way ready to honor you as mom" - which is FINE. Completely fine. Recognition is what it is, no matter what words! 
• If the kids are so insanely manipulated against your wife/friend who is a stepmom/family member, then MODEL YOUR recognition of her. Take them with you to go get a card for her, for all she does for them, the house, the pets, her husband. Can't take them with you (probably due to so little custody...), then just get her Mother's Day cards, gifts, flowers, etc. that the kids will see. Post it on Facebook. What you're doing is letting the kids know that other people recognize your stepmom as doing something like a mom. You're teaching, and you're honestly flat out helping the family. You're also making sure that the Stepmom feels loved on Mother's Day if she doesn't hear a single word or get anything from her skids and/or husband. 
• GO ON VACATION. Make plans with friends or do something special every year to make sure Mother's Day is a low, low level concern. Get out of town, or make sure she has friends to hang with (because normally she can't hang with friends, cooking dinner and all that.................)

All of the above has been done for me now, but it took a lot of that last one- Modeling. My husband was an active husband in this endeavor, but I know many of you have, lets call it "absent-minded" husbands. Help them. I did see a number of articles this year point out that you need to let your husband know ahead of time of your "expectations" to be recognized in some way. But I liked how one person said that if you are an outside friend or family member, help the husband get the clue, too. TOTALLY. HELP the marriage that you went to the wedding to by helping the husband "get" that his wife needs some special attention for committing to this craziness that he considers (sadly) normal.

In all honesty, the Stepmom often looks a bit crazy on Mother's Day because you are seeing the culmination of bewilderment, self-hate, and pure hurt. It's not about taking away from their mother; it's just literally the #1 day where we are reminded of how worthless we are to everyone we work so hard for IN our OWN home. Don't believe me? That's how it feels, whether it's true or not. And who are you to know how it feels, unless you're in my particular court custody arrangement nightmare? Unless you are also a victim of child parent alienation? Unless you have the same situation?

Yeah, you get it now, don't you?

(And if you don't feel free to comment, so that I can realize what I've missed.)

Mother's Day Recap

For the first time in 7 years, I received Happy Mother's Day texts from my stepdaughters. They also gave me a nice card and repressed general complaints and moodiness on Saturday, the day before. It was a nice weekend. I am happy to report that I no longer get to say, "I have never heard from them on Mother's Day."

So, I wanted to comment on some of the happenings I witnessed around me.

I noticed a general trend of Dad's not caring a bit about honoring their wives on Mother's Day, or helping the kids to honor their mom. I heard a number of stories that embodied the, "What? You're not my mom," logic.

I find this highly ironic, as MANY stepmoms help their stepkids honor their mom, no matter the poor relationship between them. Not only should a stepmom probably not bother, but they do it despite their own deep hurt and tears. Wow.

That is not me. But I have read many-a-post from hundreds of stepmoms who do this every year, and then fret when the kids are teens and don't care about doing something for their moms! They question what they should do, if they should force the teen to do something or just let it be...Amazing!

Why would they do this? Because they feel it is the right thing to do. They feel that it is just right to teach kids how to honor their parent. I believe I would likely feel that way as well, if the kids weren't with their mom 70% or if she hadn't poisoned my life. It seems like a lot of the stepmoms help their kids do something for their moms when they have more custody or have a civil relationship, or even slightly-less-than-civil relationship with the mom.

Back to Dads: In one case, the young teen daughter was pissed because Dad wouldn't help her pay for a gift for mom (who is also a stepmom). In another case, one of the stepkids (also a teen daughter) went ahead and expressed gratefulness to her stepmom even though her dad wasn't willing to do anything for her. So, although these husbands kind of suck, at least two kids (young teens, both) saw past it. That gives me hope for those of you that don't receive any recognition, or just a mention, for your work, dedication, and love, even if you're husband doesn't "get it."

I also saw an increase in Stepmoms sharing super positive messages with each other late Saturday and early Sunday. Talk about bolstering the troops! Thank you, active meme-posting, ultra-positive stepmoms out there who were battling the feeling of defeat before it could sink in!

I loved the messages of "whether recognized or not, you are a mom." I liked one particular post where a woman described her night of cleaning up puke at 2am and stated there's no way anyone could say she's not a mom after her night! Damn straight! I like this path we're headed down as a group. I see a stronger voice among us, finally, stating that not all stepmoms are secondary and to accept your misery. F that.

I also saw an increase of the inclusion of moms of all sorts from kids. Very good. Maybe there is a growing acceptance. (Or am I just being a bit naive since I heard from my s'kids this year?)

I am very aware that I am a secondary mom, unlike many stepmoms who are actually the primary!
And if I am not a mom, then I am a parent- and both of my stepkids do know that. Our house would not be functional without that basic level of role acceptance.
If you can't bare to call me a mom, then the only other appropriate term to describe who I am to them is "advocate." I am not "like an aunt," which I hear many people advise us to be. I am not just an adult. I am much more than another person in their lives. I do know them better than anyone else, other than their parents. I do not put myself ahead of their mom (because she's scary) but I do advocate on their behalf sometimes in direct contrast to mom. You can consider that wrong, but I've been thanked by the kids for the times where I made something happen for them that wouldn't have otherwise. That's enough for me to know.

Remember being super angry at your parents or wishing you could pick other parents? Most of us, probably 99%, had those kid or teenaged moments. If you felt ignored by your parents at times, or like they didn't get you, I get the benefit of sometimes being the person who steps in. I mostly belong in the general-parent pile, and the typical youth angst is easily directed at me, but in other times, I see where the "regular" parents may be missing something. Simple day-to-day example: When one kid is doing something that both parents want to see or are required to attend, but the other kid is just dying to do something else or needs more time for homework...I can make the something else happen. I don't do it out of request from my husband...He is usually focused on what he needs to do. I see it coming and ask if I can take the other one to what they want to do. In other times, there are more important things for me to step up to and advocate for. Through years of reading up on rights and trying different angles, I am considered a parent in most official capacities and therefore can make things happen. (If you need tips, message me!)

I'm proud to have filled the occasional gap. That's my most important role in their lives.

I hope your Mother's Day went well. If not, I hope you have a little vacation for yourself planned soon or some girlfriends who sent you love. Now, forget about it until it sneaks up on us next year!

True Stepmom Gifts

Dear Husbands,

Although you may be lovingly aware of what your wife has given up for you, just to be with you- And although you of course tell her alllll the time about how thankful you are that she joined you and your children instead of starting a fresh life with someone else- Think of getting her something from you for Mother's Day, beyond just the children's gifts. And if things are difficult in your marriage right now, lately, or this past year, then this is direly important.

(And yes, definitely, the children should also be giving her something as well, as belief follows action...This shouldn't even be questioned. Although your wife is not their "real" mom, she still does things for them, often playing the mom role in the absence of their mom, and thus deserves the partial mom title, whether the children agree or not. Children don't agree with most as it is, so don't let them question this. And you current wife performs "mom" in a different way, which will always be seen as "not mom" for the rest of their lives despite the truth that she is still being a "mom" to them during your custodial time.)

Make the gift from you meaningful, as she chose to be a stepmom because of her love for you. She chooses to put her neck on the line daily, risking interactions with your ex-wife, getting attacked by your ex-wife, and also getting attacked, ridiculed, and even humiliated by your children in front of others...She watches as the children she wished were hers, with you, get more and more distant or fight to even be around her. So think of what she gave up for you, and then make this gift meaningful in response to that.

Given that each woman and couple are different, there are "big" gifts you could give her that specifically relate to her. I can't tell you what those are, whether it would be alma mater gear from the school friends she moved away from, a trip to see her friends or family, or replacing something she lost when she married you and moved. Maybe a trip to somewhere you went together, pre-ex-wife-and-kids reality. There are probably many thoughtful, specially meaningful things you could give her in honor of her dedication to you and your kids despite it all.

But beyond those entirely thoughtful ideas, consider de-stress gifts, such as spa day- alone, with friends, or with her mom or sister. If spa certificates or reservations are too much for your budget, there are spa-like gifts out there, such as massage oils, aromatherapy, soothing lotions, and soft, sensual robes or super soft pajamas. Make it clear that you are trying to help her relax, and that you want her to have some down time- that it is OK for her to have some rest and self time.

What is her favorite thing to do? Buy gear or accessories related to it, set up a day of it, or buy gift certificates for her to do it.

What is her favorite store that you and the kids just can't stand and vocally complain about? That's the store you should buy her something from or take her shopping at.

What is the restaurant that your ex tells the kids is too expensive or too fancy for you two to go to? That's where you should go with her, on a night without the kids- or with if you purposefully want that report to go back. What is the restaurant that your kids have turned into a place you can't go anymore, for whatever kid reason? That is also another candidate for dinner out.

What is something that you two haven't done together in a super long time? Maybe it was just lunch together, brunch, hiking, sitting at a lake, or some activity- Do it. Plan it. Make it happen on Mother's Day.

Mother's Day is a really, really rough day for stepmoms. I do occasionally read how a stepmom doesn't care anymore. I only partially believe it, because I know how I feel and I read a great deal many more Facebook posts every Mother's Day from stepmoms talking about how horrible they feel and how they wish it all can change, which they know it won't, and that they stay anyways. In fact, every Mother's Day, in every Stepmom group there is, there's at least one discussion post from the moderator asking if everyone survived. Beyond that, there is article after article posted about how to "get through" Mother's Day for stepmoms. You may not know this, because you're not allowed in (they're private and closed, to ward off court-centric ex-wives), so I'm letting you know that how your wife feels and acts is extremely common. In fact, I strangely have the same conversations with stepmoms over and over again, and each time the stepmoms involved are just amazed that others feel the same way and think the same thing. Despite our differences, your wife isn't especially crazy or difficult. she's just in an especially difficult situation.

Despite whatever happened this year, despite whatever your wife (the current one you want to keep, remember?) did or didn't do, despite whatever anger has been between you, and despite whatever your kids hold against her, she is still the woman you married and enjoyed pre-kids and your ever-present ex-wife (whether nearby or as channeled through your kids and your phone). She is still there, but she is in a confusing state and strange world that has until recently been kept hidden and hated. She is only responding as she thinks she should, and trying so hard despite wanting to give up.

You are her encouragement, and she needs you. But most of all, she really needs you to make her feel loved on Mother's Day- and not necessarily (but maybe) in the Valentine's Day way. Figure out what is missing now, what she really needs, and what will honor her attempt to be the third wheel in your family experiment.

M-Day 2012

I'm going to keep this short and simple.

If you function as a mom, you deserve recognition as a mom. If the mom who gave birth and the stepmom both care for the child, they both deserve some form of recognition.

The mom will always have the all powerful bond and genetics and history and title and...and...and...more. If the stepmom functions as a mom in some way, giving of her life to raise the children as well, she can still deserve a call with a "Happy Mother's Day!", a card, a gift, a dinner. She will always and forever lack all the rest, from birth on, but she does deserve recognition for the work, effort, presence, guidance, and crap she puts up with from pure dedication. She may not seem perfect, act like "mommy", or be the Sound of Music (wannabe) nun, but she is there in their lives, serving as a mom in some capacity. And such, given the role she takes on, deserves some recognition on Mother's Day.

We honor our grandmas, friends who are mothers, and our friend's moms on mother's day. It's really not that hard to accept that the woman who also cooks, cleans, and cares for the kids gets some form of kudos on Mother's Day, as well. She fits in the category, by definition past birth, and anyone who says otherwise needs to examine where their judgement is truly coming from.

Oh, and cut that crap out, jealous moms. We'll always get the lesser gift, the forced "happy mother's day" wishes, and the afterthought. You won at the pregnancy and we don't know why you don't get that still. Be proud to be their real mom, and we wish you would be by showing your kids how self-assured and truly loving and accepting you are- by accepting us.