The Anxiety of A Custodial Visit

The anxiety of a custodial visit.

1. Get to a doctor and get some anti-anxiety meds before you develop panic attacks. I waited too many years on that one... And it was really easy to get. (Yay prescription drugs!) Maybe because if you say "I'm a stepmom" to any certified doctor, they instantly get it.
1. How do you know if you are experiencing anxiety and attacks? Hard to breathe? Super nervous? Sweaty? Hating life right now? Wishing you could run, run, run away?
   Maybe even freaking out?
2. Why are you picking up the kids again? 
1. Yeah, I know, it is impossible for your husband to make it. He doesn't want to lawyer up again. He doesn't want to fight her for a more reasonable custody arrangement. He's happy for what he got. I know. I know. 
2. You're doing your part to make sure the kids stay in your family, to make your husband's life easier, to make sure your husband sees his kids even though he works an hour away and struggles through insane traffic just to get there to see his kids for at least half an hour. You are doing your part, you are honorable, you are working hard to maintain composure. You left work early for this. You are thinking this was a mistake. You are not sure what they will say and do when they get to your car. You're not sure what she will do and say, making everything so much worse and something you have to record for court. You're watching the clock. She's late. Again. Why are you doing this!?!?
3. Then you hear the kids laughing with their Dad- one hour later. You hear the joy. You hear his love for them, and you realize how different of a night it would have been if you had not been able to pick up the kids. 

And the process starts all over again, 2 nights or one week later.

A lot of stepmom guides, articles, books suggest that you give up and stop doing this stuff for your husband.
Sure, sure. And you want him to lose his kids? Why is that not covered?

Some books and articles argue that if he can't handle it, then he shouldn't be making you do it.

I get that logic, and I would have supported it if his kids had been complete hellions, I guess. Maybe. Not even then maybe, because as demonstrated above, the love that fills your home, FINALLY, when he has not seen the kids for a week...It's worth it. 

But do try to do more for you. Make sure he understands what it is like. Make sure he does his part. Make sure he takes some time off work. Make sure you go out. Make sure you get you time.

Sometimes, drop them off to him, and go out by yourself. DO IT. Don't cook dinner every night. Let him cook dinner, even though he had a long day of work. (There's plenty of microwavable stuff out there.) Let him take the kids out. You did your part and got them home; but now he can take them out and have time with them alone, which is great no matter what for all parties. You are allowed breaks. You are allowed you time. You are allowed your friends.

There are plenty of nights where I realized I couldn't do it anymore, and I called him to let him know that things were not well between the skids and I. I would let him know, and he now knows without explanation, "You are taking them out tonight." And there were nights that he knew were so bad that he needed to keep them out. They had their homework with them, or he had books or tablets with fun things in them to do, and they would entertain themselves somewhere else. Honestly, I consider that stepmom-forced-quality time. (Often when they are all home together, he defaults to just TV watching. On the nights where I asked they go out and stay out, he truly spent time with them- and they loved it. Completely doubtful that they even asked why they weren't going home instead. Dad time is Dad time, period.)

So, do that. Don't be afraid. Ask for You time, and make sure that you get a return on your part. You don't have to do it all; but I completely understand why you aren't giving up on one of the most stressful parts of this life. I totally get it. And not all stepmoms are in agreement that you should completely disengage. Trust me. And we're here for you. Let's do virtual drinks sometime. =)

Custody In the Summertime

Summer planning has always been my art since becoming a stepmom. My husband was good at going to movies, bowling alleys, and parks- last minute. Otherwise, all trips, camps, etc. start with my whirlwind of thorough research, nights of staring at our calendar(s), and debating- in my head- what we should do.

Summer planning as a stepfamily with partial custody is, as you know, an insanely painful process in itself. Summers, also, are somewhat insane. Some of you have the kids all summer and have very mixed feelings about that, to say the least. Others of you see your stepkids leave for the summer, and although it is enjoyable, you do discover that you miss them. In our world, we were granted every other week with them- only in the summer- about 5 years ago.

That made every other week the only time we could shove in as much summer fun, camps, and other special things we could never do with them during the every-other-weekend-pitiful-painful-pittance schedule the rest of the year. It was this major deal for us to be able to see them morning after night after morning, at home. It was so awesome to be able to sign them up for camps for activities they always wanted to learn but were not allowed to because of their mom's (lack of) required approval (or lack of communication whatsoever). They could do VBS, or volunteer at VBS. They could go on a church trip! They could see us, we could see them, tomorrow! And two days after that!

It was a mix of stress and fitting in things plus complete, amazing joy and ease. Summer weeks were never a painful struggle of awkwardness. The only pain was wishing we could have more time, do more, have this year around. Things were sometimes so nice, it was depressing to realize we only had these special weeks a handful of times. Depending on the summer, it was about 5 weeks. It felt like 3.

Now that we have one skid 50/50 year around for the first time, I just realized how less stressful summer will be knowing that it will finally continue. I won't have to shove in doctors and dentists appointments in the summer. I won't have to feel like "our only chance is now" for the first time ever. (Although, then again, one feels that sentiment a little less when they are no longer kids and have busy teen lives...Still, there's the creeping feeling of "we only have a few years left" in there and a much, much tighter timeframe nearly gone with the elder.)

Looking back, realizing the difference of having a fair parenting schedule compared to what we used to have, and how much more logical it feels all around...It is so sad that our justice system perpetuates ridiculous parenting shared custody schedules. We had so much to offer, and we barely had the time to offer it. We were not prisoners, drug addicts, abusers. We were fully employed, capable, willing. Although I know the history, I will never understand in my heart why so many families have to endure so much pain at the mercy of a judge, mediator, or insane spouse.

viva equal custody! viva summer!

Dads and Depression

I would like to preface this post with: It has taken me a long time to finally write this post. It has been stirring in my mind for many years, and I feel like it is time to get it out there. 

Men are different from women.

Duh. You don't need to read Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, a book from a wholly unqualified pundit, in order to know the obvious.

When you're married, though, you really learn how different you are. Even if you grew up with brothers (that just gave you an advantage), you will learn that men are definitely on a different plane.

My husband and I are soul mates and often think the same. It's a lot of fun to hold your thoughts, but then share them and find out the other person had the exact same thought- even word for word. We generally feel the same thing or get the same vibe, have the same reaction, and like and dislike the same things- usually. But still, he is glaringly different than I am sometimes, and I can see the "man" in him. (Or "boy", you know, sometimes.)

I can list out things, but you totally already know what I mean. They process differently. They have different emotions, usually. They think their own way...which can also just describe the differences from person to person, sans gender, but it's just glaringly apparent in marriage.

So, why, then, do we, as women, expect them to do the same things when confronted with divorce, the loss of their children through court or parental alienation, or parenting?

Really think about that, please.

Think of the things a mom/woman does when confronted with the same situations. Is it different? Does she respond differently?

Yes. And there's plenty of court data to prove it, if you want to dig (as most courts and states don't keep fantastic data, but when a grad student chooses to hunt it down, they succeed in proving the same things over and over).

Let's explore some findings from various courts around the country:

• Women file for divorce. The man may have asked for it, the man could have caused it, but the woman takes the legal action and first steps.
• Women file restraining orders. Men rarely do. (Although domestic violence perpetuation is 50/50 by gender.)
• Women file for full custody. Men rarely do (but not because they don't want it. They are often quoted and documented as stating, "I didn't think I could get it." or "The kids deserve to see their mother.")
• Women get a lawyer. Men often don't and ask to negotiate out of court. Men are often unrepresented, choosing to represent themselves (mistake, but usually for financial reasons). Women's lawyers, as I have learned from first hand experience as well, often tell them that "he will pay" for all the court and legal fees. (Not always true...Depends on the court or judge...)
• Women file first, whether for custody or other legal action. The parties may agree to go to court, but for some reason, the woman is the primary litigant in over 90% of most courts (who have data they can report). 

Ok, so there's some known legal, court, child custody, divorce related facts. I can send you some reports if you're interested. 

What about in terms of handling the split parenting dynamic? Parental Alienation and manipulation? Shared custody difficulties? 

Women, moms, seem to see it all as a fight. That they WILL WIN their children, "their babies," at ALL COSTS. There is a pure determination there, and that determination may have no consideration of the destructive toll it may take on anyone in its path.

Men may express this as well, but frankly, not usually. They usually don't realize until it's a bit too late that war was just waged against them. They may not realize until it's too late that they literally just lost their kids- physically and/or mentally. Hindsight always being clearer, they realize that they didn't have what it took to battle the unforeseen, and they really, really didn't see any of that comin'.

As a depressive, I can tell you that men go through stages, addressed in a number of books for men dealing with divorce, that mirror a depressive's. Yes, women go through depression after a divorce as well, but men go through it differently. Men experience depression differently than you do. Done. End. It's just true. Men are under-diagnosed as depressives or experiencing depression because they: 1) Don't recognize it, 2) Don't seek help, and 3) WE don't recognize male depression EITHER.

The men in our lives also don't just go through depression around the period of the divorce. They likely go through it prior to, during, and following court battles or realization of PAS. And the depression continues as they realize more and more that they are losing their children ways beyond physical time.

Do you really know what depression is? Most people don't. As a depressive, I know that it's likely that you don't actually understand it unless you're diagnosed yourself. And even if you are close to someone who is a depressive, it doesn't mean that you "get it." Many people have tried to help me with depression, and did not succeed. Part of their problem was "trying to help" me. Usually their beliefs, and approach, were wrong.

So, let's move forward with assuming you don't know everything about severe depression.

Real depression, or severe depression, is not just sadness over loss. There's temporary depression, something one would experience after a bad life event, like job loss, marriage loss, or the loss of a loved one. Most people come out of it. And then there's serious depression, where you don't come out of it. Real depression involves pure hopelessness.

Pure hoplessness? Consider this for a second. What does it mean? That is the key to understanding depression.

The best way to describe it for a contemporary audience is through the Harry Potter Dementors. Yes, I just did that. Yes, the Dementors. They describe and embody pure loss, hopelessness. Described in the book as such, they were physical embodiments of depression. It overcomes you. You cannot think normally. You cannot see the possible hope of the future, the possible positive outcomes, or understand what someone means by, "It will work out!" (The worst? "Cheer up!" Omg. Top of the Worst-Things-To-Say-To-A-Depressive list!)

Men may act differently than a women when depressed (not always, but often), but it is still real and still a depression. We have similar symptoms, but commonly show them differently. And most of all, women identify and express, men-do-not. They are not taught to do so like we are, and they are also not necessarily encouraged to do so through the entire course of their lives.

So now, let's examine how they're different in action regarding child custody, as well.

A man, going through a depression, is likely to succumb easily to pressures due to hopelessness. If you have no hope that anything will work out, you let go. You say "sure" and you let your ex take way more than she really should, despite the lack of honest justification. You may love your kids, but you feel so much loss and pressure and, well, hopelessness, that you just can't imagine doing anything about it or having the power or energy to fight. (A major symptom of a depressive is lack of energy, drive, motivation, etc.) You also can be easily convinced, in this state, that you are useless and unnecessary as a father, as the negative messages being served to you in court papers and other such avenues (the kids, for instance) are overwhelming and may actually seep in and circle around in your thoughts day and night.

When you're in a severe depression, you do not see your worth. You do not see how you are of any use. You convince yourself that maybe your ex does deserve the kids. Maybe you are a useless father. Maybe you are so stupid that you shouldn't have a right to see your kids. You feel like maybe you shouldn't exist. Maybe you should just leave them be. Maybe you are bad for your own kids......(even though you've never done anything to hurt them, ever, but they are convinced of it...so...what's the point?)

This thought process just illustrated can effect any type of man going through this, from CEO to laborer. Depression brings down anyone to that level, and it is very hard to get it off your back. It takes time to build up from and out of. It's like drowning. 

People often judge men for their decisions regarding their children. They think it is wrong that a man didn't "fight" for his kids as horribly... uh, I mean, "strongly"... as the mom did. They judge him for losing custody. They think he deserved it, must have been terrible or abusive, was lazy, or just didn't love his children enough to fight for his kids.

No.

That isn't what happened. You're coming from your perspective and not that of a man who has gone through what he has gone through and been convinced, often through verbal and emotional abuse, that he is useless.

When in battle against a mother, be proud of any action the dad took to try to maintain contact with his children. Until you've been in the fight from a father's side, against an abusive, raging, or just plain super angry mom, you won't know how freaking lovely it would be to simply give up- and how that often seems to be the only option. It takes an INSANE amount of willpower for a man to go up against the insanely jealous, evil, hateful, and possessive woman- no matter how much integrity and love he has. (Think about it. A woman's wrath...Yeah. Admit it. We know how bad it is, and we know how to employ it.)

And the hardest period for a Dad who has lost most of the custody of his kids? When another man, who has shown himself to not be a "fit" (legally) parent has taken over and starts to purposefully replace his position. That- that- is the worst. That is when men definitely go through depressions, because it is true powerlessness. It is a true loss, to watch as your kids are with someone defined by court as being unfit to parent his own children. So not only has "orignal dad" lost his children, but now he is losing them in other ways, and worried constantly. Not only was he still a father before, worrying about his children when they weren't physically with him, but now he has this added level of fear and concern on top of it, while watching his kids be (usually) forced to consider "new dad" as more important and meaningful, considering the loss of pure time & presence (custody) of "original dad."

It is unfortunate that the courts, mediators, and women in general cannot understand this dynamic of a father who has lost his children. I would like to see the awareness and understanding increase, as men are not unfeeling beings, lacking emotion. Especially when it comes to their own offspring. Men are not all cold and heartless about their children. Men do not all leave their children, and that over-assumed statistic is decreasing quickly. Men are increasingly voicing their right to see their children, when they've done nothing wrong to deserve it.

And also, men may SEEM cold and unfeeling when going through all of this, when they've had to save their sanity and give up in order to not lose their jobs. (I have to honestly say that men are a little better at prioritizing...I'm much more likely to be a mess at work over something, daily, than my husband will ever be. Emotions do not overtake his workday, because other people depend on him. I, on the other hand, can fall apart...Oo, I just realized a double standard!) Men, when preserving themselves, sometimes shut off or shut down, as you've likely witnessed. It is a mental and physical reaction to the emotional turmoil and stress put on them, and they decide to maintain function on behalf of everyone (in order to keep that child support going and not endure more legal trouble).

We also have a very vast tendency to misunderstand a man's reaction. Why is it OK for a women to yell and scream hysterically, throwing crap all over the place, but it is too much for a man to hit a wall? Women and men express emotions, and both express them appropriately and inappropriately. Domestic violence disputes are 50% caused, initiated, and perpetuated by both sexes. I would like to see an actual depiction of abuse as well, but men underreport abuse from their wives and domestic partners. (They also tend to not see it as abuse, while if the same actions were taken man to woman, it would be absolutely immediately thrown into the "abuse" category.)

There's obviously a lot to say here, a lot I've realized and thought about over the years. I would like to see a societal change, and I'm assuming this blog is not enough. I don't also believe that the majority of therapists even understand this dynamic.

If you have a job for me in which I can directly attack these widespread misconceptions on behalf of men, please let me know. ;-p I'd be happy to elaborate more.

Wrong

Things have often been rocky for us, and pretty much perpetually. For right now, and hopefully for longer, things have been smooth. It's been nice and fairly consistent.

One example is that my husband has for the past year believed that his eldest daughter would stop seeing him. In his head, it was at any moment, for anything. It also seemed to be connected to birthdays. He connected her 15th birthday with this possibility, relating it to his own decisions at 15, and 16 seemed to signify her ability to choose- in his head. None of this was vocalized by her, but he was perpetually afraid of "the day."

The few in his life who knew this was his belief actively informed him that he was probably wrong, and encouraged him by reminding him that he is an amazing dad. He does have a good (enough) relationship with his daughter, even though it isn't perfect given the divisions falsely created between them over the years by his ex- and the obvious fact that she's a teenaged girl. He has been a support to her, and she has responded by continuing to have a relationship with him and not cutting him out like so many teenage girls do. Given his fear, he seemed to focus on the negative aspects and not the positives.

15th and 16th bithdays have gone by. She's still coming over. Her mom's persuasion has not overcome. She isn't driving yet, and that may cause some changes when she's officially driving on her own. But as his wife, and the person who witnesses their relationship the most- I don't see a complete cut-off coming. And if it does come, as it could, it will have little to do with him. It will be because of the power of his ex, or his daughter just being a teenager, or something trivial.

There have been near fall-outs in the past, and thinly veiled threats, and nothing has come of it- at all. His insistence that he still see her, that she still see him, have always won out over many, many years of her mom trying to create false reasons of separation. There was still motivation by his daughter to keep coming, to not resist time with her dad even once. She has texted horribly mean things to her mom about her dad and I and being with us, complained about us to her sister and some family, but none of it materialized into anything direct. She also does not seem to be afraid of anything- afraid of not coming anymore or something like that- and I therefore think that this is her choice.

That's even more powerful, frankly, than the custody orders. She has a mom telling her she doesn't have to see her dad, a mom who supports any angry whim she has against her dad and I, and she is a moody teenager who easily blames everyone else for anything. She's easily irritated, and she's constantly told that her two-home life makes her life harder and that things would be easier for her if she stopped coming to our house. Despite all of that, she has continued to come to our house at every expected time. Her negative actions against us have not materialized into actual actions, as I'm fairly certain they are not deeply rooted, then. Similar to any kid being angry at their parent for parenting but not actually "hating" their parent or not wanting to see them. They are just angry, lashing out, or saying things they don't mean. Everyone who knows my husband and his daughter know that they do have a relationship, they do have things in common, she does enjoy him, and she quite possibly knows she needs or wants him deep down.

So, in this case- maybe the only case- I am glad that my husband is, so far, wrong. He's still going to fear her officially giving up on him, even if it is unreasonable. I wonder if this is a very common feeling and experience of the divorced dad with minimal custody. I've heard of moms fearing their children leaving them, and I think this is a somewhat similar thing- except twisted, as it includes perpetual thought and emotional attacks from a constantly present 3rd party.

I was told about a year ago by a therapist that we can't live and act in fear of my stepdaughter hating us enough to stop coming over or stop communication with her dad. The doctor stated that teenagers are likely to do that to any parent, at pretty much any point, for who knows what reason. Something could trigger her choice to do that, and we would not have much power over that. She's frankly right, and with the amount of encouragement my stepdaughter receives to that effect, it would be no wonder. So in one way, my husband is completely right. In the meantime, let's simply rejoice that his fears are wrong right now and don't seem to be changing. In fact, its looking better as time goes on.

Similarly, I just realized something that I should have known for many years already. On the two weekday nights that my husband has 2 hour "dinner visits," my stepkids never, ever stress about returning to mom. They stress about nearly anything else relating to their mom's expectations and fear her angry reactions, but I have literally never realized until today that they do not really care if they are running late returning. They do not stress out their dad at the time that they should leave, turn off the TV, grab their stuff, or make any move for the door until he says "Ok, let's go." HOW did I miss this!? That is the most obvious sign of respect for their dad that I think either of them have ever done. They regularly show a lack of trust, faith, and respect in him despite his pure dedication to them, but this... This is so powerful. They've stressed about responding to their mom by phone, they have lost it over forgetting something they need to return to her, and they used to cry if they had age-appropriate child stains on their clothes because they feared displeasing her SO much. There are so many instances where we have had to calm them down, explain that they were with us, and that their mom could not control them- and effectively ruin their time with us- while here. That still happens, by the way. Just happened the other week. Their mom contacts them to "remind" them of her expectations last minute, pretty much immediately upsetting them in their last few minutes or hours of their weekend time with their dad.

So, given that power, even into their teenage years, its quite extraordinary that they do not tell their dad that it is time to go, get antsy, start sighing, or stress him out- like they do so many other things- when it is time for them to go back to their mom. They'd much prefer to keep sitting with him, watching TV with him or playing a game, even if it makes them a little late and their mom mad. They don't even gather their things or put on their shoes and jackets until he says, "Ok, time to go." And even then, when he makes that announcement, he usually has to tell them to hurry up! That really says something. Honestly, that is a super huge, positive realization and sign of what their real feelings are towards their dad.

What is it that you're missing, or your husband is missing? Is there anything, through all the crap, that quietly shines of hope, trust, or love? It took me years to see this, and my husband is still struggling to see it at all sometimes, so I know its hard. But I hope you find it.

"In the Best Interest of _____"?

If you've been through any custody trial or legal paperwork, you know that whatever precedes or follows the phrase, "In the best interest of the children," is a big fat lie. You know that along with that phrase comes a boatload of crap that is fabricated to endorse only one parent.

Divorce and Traffic court are the only courts that don't depend on a shred of evidence to make decisions. It's your word, versus theirs.

Every time I hear the phrase "in the best interest of the children" I feel sick. It is used very seriously in court, to utter the most nonsensical stuff proposed by only one party. There's little logic or history behind it. The mediators and judges nod with looks of approval as if everything said was common sense.

Yet, we have to use it too. For some reason, despite the complete lack of any basis when tossing the phrase around willy nilly, it is a very powerful phrase that causes the other party to shudder in fear and load their weapons.

I hope, one day, to never hear that phrase again. It's a trigger for a gag reflex. When I see it in a newspaper article, I know that someone's lying somewhere in that story.

How to Look Less Insane

You look bad. The way you put things, the things you won't agree to, and the insane way you retain control over the children- it makes you look bad. Yeah, you get away with it in court. Otherwise, you still look really, stinking bad. And everyone knows it, except for the people playing the same bull you are.

Oh, wait- I'm not talking to stepmoms! I'm talking to the moms that are like my husband's ex.

Here are ways for you to look less insane to everyone, including your own kids who are catching on. This will be a work in progress. Feel free to contribute.

Instead of: "I don't care. You did something like this once (or so I perceived) so I'm retaliating like the ugly person I am."
Try something like: "I misunderstood the custody agreement. I disagree with you, but let's work something out. We can split the time, or you can take them a little extra. I just want to keep everybody happy (so that I look good, at least)."

Instead of: "You're not taking my babies! You can't have them! Ever!"
Try something like: "I'm disappointed and really upset. I want to see them as much as possible, but I understand you're their father and you've never once done anything to harm them, ever. I'm going to go to therapy in order to deal with my anger and control issues. I sure hope we can work together (so that I look good.)"

Instead of: "They were supposed to be here on time and you're screwing everything up for them!"
Try something like: "I'm just glad they're here. Thank you so much for bringing them to that thing I signed them up for without your permission and then forced you into forfeiting your time for. Thank you, again."

Edited 9/11/2012
Instead of: Rushing to school to take schoolwork away before stepmom or dad picks the child up...
Try something like: Asking for copies.

Instead of: Erasing, covering up, or throwing away all of the school's emergency contact information from dad's side of the family.
Try something like: Asking the school office to retain both sets, allow for two forms, and contact both parents in case of an emergency.

In the Ideal Stepmom World...

Updated:
What I wish I would have known. What I wish I would have been told. What I wish had been handed to me in a guide, preferably in checklist format. Here are the ideals you should start with or work towards for your stepmom world, especially if it's not too late and you're getting ready for your stepmom life:

• If you're going to support your husband's court battles or be involved AT ALL, which by being his wife who loves him often can mean you are involved and can't just ignore the hell in his world, hire the best lawyer possible for your husband (if you're the only one with money after his years of divorce, alimony and custody) or simply help him hire the best lawyer possible by doing research, setting up interviews, and talking to people who know people, and then use up your money to get the best custody orders possible- Right from the start, out of court or in court. Erase the horrible agreement he made with her when he was clueless and trusted her to be a decent human being, which of course didn't happen, and just take care of it right off the bat. If out of court, do a home study immediately so that a professional can give an entire report about how your home and parenting are better than the other home. Find a pro-father out of court mediator, and do your research and call around before agreeing to it. Use your mediator and her mediator if there's a choice disagreement. If you're in a litigious situation, getting a great lawyer up front will save you so much more pain down the line-  your husband's pain of either losing his children, dealing with the dumbest agreements a mediator could ever turn into a template that they then pass on to every case, or continued court battles with a jealous idiot + your pain of dealing with it too, as you will factor into the crappy agreement that didn't even factor in the schedules of the actual parents, and watching him in pain for YEARS. Oh, and get an agreement that means that you will deal with her less. Even though you're not there, you can be factored into the agreement somehow. Yeah, it legitimizes you, but down the line you feel trapped. 
• Speaking of which, get a copy of their agreement and study it for days. Make a list of questions and warn your boyfriend/husband that you need the time to discuss this. Set up a time so he can prepare himself, as he could get defensive. He was likely steamrolled into this agreement, didn't know that some things would turn out the way they did, and didn't think through every part because the courts and even lawyers, if he even had one, don't give you enough time to review the agreement you're signing before you sign it. Be gentle with him and understanding that he may not have seen the repercussions of what he signed, especially not in light of a remarriage to another woman who may have other plans in mind. BUT you need to know. In a remarriage, this is just as important as looking at the finances up front. You need to know what you're signing up for, what you can expect for holidays, who gets who's insurance, retirement, pension, assets... Their custody agreement becomes your life. He may not think so at the beginning, oh but how you will realize this as time goes on. You need to see it for yourself and not depend on his memory of it, or his occasional moments of information sharing. (He will say he told you everything, but he told you everything he thought was important for you to know. Trust me, there's more that you would be concerned about. And you need to know about it AND understand it.) And honestly, it's possible he missed a few things. Regardless, his contract with his ex is now your life's/family's contract.
• Although you want to help your husband as much as possible and you feel and see his pain on a daily basis, do everything possible to cut yourself out of exchanges and ALL interactions with the children's mother. Just-do-it. Just get out of the mix. First of all, you may be helping, but you will resent it further and further down the line. Second, do you really want to interact with her? Your husband's ex? Really? Do you even want to SEE her? Even if you're doing OK with her now, things can change. It's documented (court statistics) that different events can cause an ex to change their demeanor and turn into a scary monster (events such as you getting pregnant, their remarriage to a guy with money to support her court efforts, your marriage, mental illness, and who knows). Didn't see that coming? Now you do.
•  Live in another town. Not the same town. Live in the town next door. Live somewhere where you don't run into her EVERYWHERE. You will end up with the habit of circling parking lots to see if her phantom car is there, or her family member's cars. You will think you see her down the next aisle, but it's really just someone else. You will avoid places she goes, even though you always went there. Just live in another town. A couple of miles won't hurt you. It may be slightly detrimental in court, so come with specific mileage of your distance from the children's schools. (Mothers can try to make it look like you moved "a whole town away!!!" to prove you clearly don't care about the children because you're not sharing the same house or street or neighborhood, and mediators show bias as if the town that's only 5 miles away is in another state. I kid you not, as we experienced this by living in "another county" which was on the border of the town of the kids and just 2 miles beyond where they lived with their mom. So arm your husband with the exact mileage that the next town over is from everything, to bring everything back into perspective. Especially when your distance from their schools is actually CLOSER than their own mother's, even though you're in the next town! Or something similar, like you live in a town with better schools, or you live closer to their future middle school or high school...Anything that erases the argument that you "moved away", which kids are also easily influenced by, as well, since their worlds are so relatively small until they start going to and from your house and realize it's not that far and maybe even closer to cooler stuff...)
• Get a HUGE house. Get the biggest house possible. Can't afford to buy a big house? Then DON'T buy a house! RENT the huge house until they're old enough to move out, or at least one of the kids is old enough to move out, or until you CAN buy the HUGE house. Why? You need your space. They will need their space when they are teenagers, too. But YOU need your space. And, you'll win custody fights purely based on the kids wanting their own rooms. Custody doesn't go to the parent who parents best or even looks good in court- It goes to the parent with the most space who allows them individual rooms or cool toys. Sounds petty? If you don't want to think about the crap that is family law decisions or you haven't encountered the truth yet, then focus on how you need your space. Your stepkids, although cute now (maybe, if they're young and not manipulated yet), will drive you up the wall more and more as you learn of their peculiar, strange "habits" (usually involving dirty socks and underwear...or, a lot worse...). Try as you might, you won't be able to change their peculiar, weird habits and you'll even maybe find that your husband somehow gave those habits to them... So it's best to give them, and you, SPACE. You will need it so badly. In fact, just get a duplex. One for them, one for you. When you can't stand them, retreat. Relax. Watch your favorite movies. Stay away from them, because the more you're angry, the more they don't want to come over and see their dad, which hurts you even more as you see your husband's pain. So, if you give yourself space, and the space to give yourself space, you'll fare so much better and make everyone happier. It's a win-win.                         Buying tips: If you get the sense that the house is "cozy", don't take it. That means it's WAY too small. If you get the idea that you'll be able to move up later, don't make that foolish mistake- your money will be gone before you know it, due to wonderful things like the economy, taxes, childcare, child expenses, child support, summer camps, a car and insurance for the teenager, college, family vacations, braces, etc. Don't plan on a move up later. You may not be able to until they're out of the house, due to money or custody orders (which can change to God-only-knows what). And don't buy a smaller house because you're concerned about the workload of maintaining it. You just need the space- even in a small house with kids, you'll be amazed at how your house is never clean. At least in a bigger house, your family's messes can be spread out or cut off from your favorite areas, rather than condensed and that much more apparent, often in the shape of piles and layers of grime. You will need your "sane" or clean areas that you will feel an ounce of control over.
• If their mom is involved in their lives, let her be in their activities. Keep your own activities. If she isn't involved, go for it. If she isn't involved in a particular activity, go for it but still be warned that she will cause drama after she sees how you've become involved. You can't escape it, and she'll either spread lies about you to others (oh well, because you were there first) or she'll just stop allowing the kids to go. It will hurt you, so be ready for it. Or, just don't volunteer for things involving your stepkids no matter how much you want to show them that you are capable of things and other people do like you. Volunteer with other people's kids or only your own, unless your stepkid specifically asks you to be involved. I think that's the one exception. Still, be prepared for their mom to not like that at all, and your stepkid to one day hate that activity after their mom's jealousy invaded their brain. And, if you're in my type of wonderfully volatile situation, you may even get their mom suddenly caring about that activity and turning it into some sort of "I can top you" war where she manages to get in your face at every turn! Oh, the joy. 
• Get some pets. Right away. Make it a wedding gift. One probably won't be enough. Get some pets that can give you a myriad of excuses for leaving the house or retreating to your bedroom, like a dog that allows you an ongoing excuse for miscellaneous activities like running, hiking, short walks, long walks, dog parks, grooming... And a cat or two for cuddling when you feel left out of the family affection or your husband needs to cuddle the kids and not you. (Get over it. Get a cat. They're super soft.)
• Keep your friends or get back in touch with your friends. You will easily be sucked out of your former life by a new love and his kids. His world is so full of...life (and drama...and baggage...) that it's easy to get lost in it and forget about you, and especially your old life. Then, at some point you'll realize you lost who you were and all your friends. Do your part to keep your friends. They will need you, you will need them. Don't scare them off with too many stories about your new stepmom world, which is easy to do, because they just won't understand. But, you still need them. So keep up the lunch and dinner dates and going out. You need it, and you'll need it later. They will need you when they have kids and other big life events. They're just confused by your current position in life, as they probably have already stated they would never choose this path. Did your marriage take you out of the area and you're no longer around your friends? Try to keep in touch, but if you can't physically meet up with them, then it's time to focus on making new friends. Make the effort. Join some groups, clubs, volunteer for something, etc. It will take time, so the sooner you join and get going, the better. Include your husband, or not. Just get moving on making new friends so that you have people to physically go out with, to meet up for drinks with, and to just get out with. You will need it and long for it. You will want to go do things that your new family won't care about, and it will be a fight to get them to enjoy it even if you talk them into it. But you also need someone that allows you interaction and discussion outside of your twisted world of family and in-laws. Can't make friends beyond the virtual kind? Go to meetup.com. Look for stepmom groups, book clubs, adventure clubs, couples clubs, religious clubs, etc. 
• Have a good job with a positive work environment. If you're in a job that makes you feel bad about yourself or makes you more stressed than you should be, get out before you become a stepmom. A bad job makes you that much more unhappy, and that much more unable to handle your new life and all it's insane responsibilities that no one in their right mind would commit to. You'll suddenly have kids, and need to use sick days and vacation days for the kids when your husband is working. You'll suddenly need to leave early to pick them up or come in late to drop them off. When you're in a toxic work environment, people will use that against you or your bosses won't allow you the flexibility you'll need. But most of all, your life will be stressful at home and at work, and you'll find yourself drowning. You need to make one of your primary environments less stressful as you navigate your new life and role and family. Getting a new job may not sound easy, but it's necessary if you're going to take on the Stepmom title.
• And the most common recommendation already out there: Get some hobbies. Keep yourself busy. Maintain a partially separate life where your stepkids and your husband's ex don't permeate the experience. Do some hobbies that make you feel accomplished and give you self-worth. You will need that as a balance to the way that stepkids and an angry mom can make you feel or kill all your hopes of things being easy or normal. It may seem like you're doing well as a volunteer for their school or their activities, but you may at one point feel like there's no escape to the bizarre world you're stuck in. If you have external activities, you will have more balance and perspective.
• Never, ever think that spending your money on your stepkids will change their actions, behaviors, and attitudes to and about you. It won't make a damn difference. They cannot connect money spent on them (that you earned and chose to spend on them) to care. Regular parents deal with this, there are tons of articles out there about how middle class kids (and beyond) have a sense of entitlement, and you'll have even less impact than a regular parent even if you buy them everything they've ever wanted and cook them their favorite, unhealthy meal on a daily basis. It won't matter. Their mom's opinion, and her family's, is what matters. You can go ahead and spend your money on those tickets or those clothes, but they won't remember that you did it for them or gave those things to them. You have to accept that, or not spend the money. You can focus on how you exposed them to culture and special events or helped shape their life into what it will become, but you can never expect them to connect your money and effort spent to a positive connection with you. And if you try to make them see the connection between care and time and earned-money spent, you'll find out that it is simply what they expect since you are their caretaker. It doesn't make you any more valuable, and could even be turned into "she tries to buy my affection." (Still, you CAN make them say thank you. You're never wrong for asking for manners and gratitude, just like any normal parent would. I'm not talking about house rules and repercussions for snotty behavior. Just your expectations.)

You may not be able to accomplish all of the above, but it's what I have realized would have made everything a whole lot smoother for all of us.There already exists a lot of "do's and don'ts" for stepmoms out there. I'm tired of those lists. They are specifically geared towards how to treat and think about your stepkids and their mom and how to change you and your thoughts and emotions. Let's be real and talk about things you can control in your environment that work out better for everyone, rather than your specific behavior and interactions- which are honestly pretty hard to control when everything's unnaturally insane or twisted. Notice that the only "thought" change I suggested was the last bullet point, and I struggled with whether to put that in. I struggle with that one the most! The other options are things you can change about your environment, in the ideal world....

In the ideal world, spend all your money on spa days, yoga classes, a sprawling house with a forest and mountains or the ocean in the backyard,  a vacation home, and lastly, a super crazy expensive lawyer that handles absolutely all interactions with your husband's ex.