Teenagers. Teenagers.
They're tough for regular parents, but double the puzzle for a stepmom.
Do you leave them alone?
Do you ask?
Do you have your husband ask?
Do you ask their friends?
Do you create a false fire to make them flee their rooms once and for all?
Can you take away the car keys? Or is that sacriliege? (Unlike every other person of authority in their lives...)
Do they EVEN have a curfew!?
Are you up at night wondering where your stepkid is, while your spouse sleeps soundly?
Are you the one who asks where the teenagers went to, with who, and where?
Yeah, I feel ya.
My husband is in teen dad training. He doesn't seem to have expected teenaged girls one day. I was becoming a more hands off parent...And then they turned into teenaged girls, both, at once.
So... I'm "helping" him "remember" to ask where they are going, with whom, for how long, when they will be home...
And not accepting shrugs as responses.
Oh, so much to learn.
Why do I care? Well, usually I already had dinner planned, tickets to something or other, and chores we discussed earlier that they needed to do before setting foot out the door.
Then throw in the complication of minimal custody. Well, then you have a father who feels hurt each and every time his kids walk out the door unless he's had just a little bit of time with them. I see the sadness, I get the brunt of any repressed anger, and I watch him pretend it was all OK when they walk back in the door moody, sullen, and exhausted from friend/boyfriend drama and no-sleep-sleepovers.
Is it so bad to help your husband parent? No. You just need to help him understand and not make him look stupid in front of other people or his kids. That is hard, mind you, but there's an entire book called "Love & Respect" if you're poor in that category. It's tough, but doable. Love your husband, pray for him, and help him remember the Daddy role of protecting his young- even if they can drive now. If he's not "getting it" when it comes to his daughters- as most men don't seem to- get him the book "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters." He will regret not being a father to them when they needed it otherwise, and they will resent him for not being there as a strong presence, even if silent but clearly noticeable.
And if he doesn't trust your advice or parenting at all, please get therapy from a therapist who has also been a stepmom- pronto. Before it's too late- as he doesn't understand you are helping a lot, yet. Make sure your marriage comes first. (Contact me if you want a discount to the FamilyLife Marriage conference, Weekend To Remember. http://www.familylife.com/wtrfall14)
While at the FamilyLife conference, my husband bought a very, very short and easy-to-read book called "Interviewing Your Daughter's Date: 30 Minutes Man to Man" by Dennis Rainey. I had it on his Amazon wishlist for years, but he realized it was time- with both girls in relationships suddenly, and he could barely get their boyfriend's names! Within minutes, he was cracking up at Rainey's stories. Every dad of a daughter needs a little bit of support, guidance, or reminders- especially if it can come from wise mentors who aren't seen as a nagging wife!
Showing posts with label teenagers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label teenagers. Show all posts
Friday, April 17, 2015
Thursday, December 4, 2014
The (step)Teenaged Years
Things have changed over the years.
A lot less drama overall. Why is that?
Partly because our kids are now a lot more independent. One can drive. She usually drives her sibling. They're doing less "activities," which means there's less stress and we have less involvement with their mom.
(Less involvement meaning: Less time sitting for hours with her in the stands at a ball game, less time fearing intimidation, less time watching my back, less anxiety attacks, less time purposely moving around fields in a way that keeps me from being mocked, glared at, or blocked.)
My s'kids are now also starting to realize that they have the ability to ignore mom, when needed, also. I have waited so long for them to be real teenagers, wiggling for independence... It's about time. It has been a relief to hear that one is giving equal, and and maybe even more, amounts of grief to the other parent- finally. We have had way too many years of alienation against us, effective bullying, and continuous lying to the kids about us. Our relationship with them was repeatedly hurt by manipulation, and one seemed to truly hate us for many years (despite simultaneously clearly craving her dad's love, time, and affection).
I'm sure I wrote at some point, maybe more than once, that if you teach your kids to disrespect the other parent, one day that will backfire on you. Well, that has come true. I wish I could elaborate.
The teenage metamorphosis is not complete, though. They still definitely fear their mom. They fear upsetting her, and although both are old enough to be given the time share they want, they are not willing to be even a few minutes late when returning to Mom's. We know there is a continuation of control going on, and not in a way that would be healthy for teenagers- as it is only against another parent, the target. It's very sad to me that an-almost-adult is not able to choose when she comes over or leaves her own dad's house and cannot see our side of the family when she wants to. It's of course also sad that they are not being listened to, but we don't think they are even being asked or considered. Can't say that your kids requested something if you refuse to hear it or have scared them enough to know that broaching the subject isn't even possible without fearing a number of frightening reactions.
I know that a lot of stepmoms, and regular parents, struggle with the tough teenaged years. It is a bit confusing, but it has ultimately been nice for us. It's a little bit scary for us to not know what the rules are at the other house and watch a daughter walk out the door on her own accord, with her own vehicle, to a supposed location...But she seems happier, and both are doing very well with friends. We would prefer they flourish than remain under complete parental control...And they appreciate this greatly now. (We tried to show them that we greatly supported them, more so than the other household, in social activities before, but I guess the realization/truth didn't really ever stick...)
I wasn't convinced that the teenaged years would work out for us. I have met plenty of stepmoms who have had a worst time during this time period, especially when kids are still strongly manipulated. So whenever someone told me they would grow up and be more independent in high school, I had very valid doubts.
I have also been lucky to not endure what more and more stepmoms are enduring:
A lot less drama overall. Why is that?
Partly because our kids are now a lot more independent. One can drive. She usually drives her sibling. They're doing less "activities," which means there's less stress and we have less involvement with their mom.
(Less involvement meaning: Less time sitting for hours with her in the stands at a ball game, less time fearing intimidation, less time watching my back, less anxiety attacks, less time purposely moving around fields in a way that keeps me from being mocked, glared at, or blocked.)
My s'kids are now also starting to realize that they have the ability to ignore mom, when needed, also. I have waited so long for them to be real teenagers, wiggling for independence... It's about time. It has been a relief to hear that one is giving equal, and and maybe even more, amounts of grief to the other parent- finally. We have had way too many years of alienation against us, effective bullying, and continuous lying to the kids about us. Our relationship with them was repeatedly hurt by manipulation, and one seemed to truly hate us for many years (despite simultaneously clearly craving her dad's love, time, and affection).
I'm sure I wrote at some point, maybe more than once, that if you teach your kids to disrespect the other parent, one day that will backfire on you. Well, that has come true. I wish I could elaborate.
The teenage metamorphosis is not complete, though. They still definitely fear their mom. They fear upsetting her, and although both are old enough to be given the time share they want, they are not willing to be even a few minutes late when returning to Mom's. We know there is a continuation of control going on, and not in a way that would be healthy for teenagers- as it is only against another parent, the target. It's very sad to me that an-almost-adult is not able to choose when she comes over or leaves her own dad's house and cannot see our side of the family when she wants to. It's of course also sad that they are not being listened to, but we don't think they are even being asked or considered. Can't say that your kids requested something if you refuse to hear it or have scared them enough to know that broaching the subject isn't even possible without fearing a number of frightening reactions.
I know that a lot of stepmoms, and regular parents, struggle with the tough teenaged years. It is a bit confusing, but it has ultimately been nice for us. It's a little bit scary for us to not know what the rules are at the other house and watch a daughter walk out the door on her own accord, with her own vehicle, to a supposed location...But she seems happier, and both are doing very well with friends. We would prefer they flourish than remain under complete parental control...And they appreciate this greatly now. (We tried to show them that we greatly supported them, more so than the other household, in social activities before, but I guess the realization/truth didn't really ever stick...)
I wasn't convinced that the teenaged years would work out for us. I have met plenty of stepmoms who have had a worst time during this time period, especially when kids are still strongly manipulated. So whenever someone told me they would grow up and be more independent in high school, I had very valid doubts.
I have also been lucky to not endure what more and more stepmoms are enduring:
- Got married. Kids were somewhere far away- Saw them for holidays, but they lived with mom.
- During or right after the honeymoon, teens with major behavioral/drug/legal problems simply dropped off at Dad's.
- Suddenly, you're a
wardenmom to teens with loads of problems that your new husband doesn't know how to deal with because he hasn't been their actual parent in many, many years.
Yeah, that's real. It's entirely possible I would have handled that situation better than having sudden-children, but it obviously would be a massive strain on a brand new marriage. (understatement) I watched as these poor ladies tore their hair out week after week, coming up with new battle action plans for dealing with drug use in the home, sex in the house, kids dropping out of school.
Yeah, some of you are now happy you started out with toddlers now, aren't ya?
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Rude
[Updated]
If your stepkids are rude to you, you do not have to tolerate it. Despite others telling you that kids are "just like that now," you know the truth.
If your stepkids are regularly rude to you, you absolutely, really shouldn't take it.
They're often being encouraged to mistreat you, specifically. But maybe they aren't, and they're just rude. They weren't taught social graces, such as "Thank you" or pretending to listen to an adult. They're messy, leave trash and socks everywhere, don't put away dishes. They look like they can't even stand to listen to you speak, no matter how hard you try or how nice you're trying to be. Or they walk right into the house after days away and ignore you completely. (Which is somehow your fault.) Honestly, if their primary parent lacks social graces, niceties, common sense... It's unlikely her or his kids will either. Reality check.
Whatever it is, you have two options. You can handle it right there, which usually doesn't go over well. But, that may not matter to you, especially if they were over-the-top rude. Sometimes, especially when you're the only adult there to witness the behavior or interaction, you just have to step in, say something, or ask for proper treatment.
Sometimes that's effective. Mostly it seems to just make everyone hate us, despite however much it was completely warranted. I don't feel like explaining that right now, because it's a stupid cycle of nonsense.
Your second option, if your husband is there, is to leave. Let's expand on what I mean by that, first.
Leaving does not really mean "ditching" or the dramatic "leaving." It can be:
If your stepkids are rude to you, you do not have to tolerate it. Despite others telling you that kids are "just like that now," you know the truth.
If your stepkids are regularly rude to you, you absolutely, really shouldn't take it.
They're often being encouraged to mistreat you, specifically. But maybe they aren't, and they're just rude. They weren't taught social graces, such as "Thank you" or pretending to listen to an adult. They're messy, leave trash and socks everywhere, don't put away dishes. They look like they can't even stand to listen to you speak, no matter how hard you try or how nice you're trying to be. Or they walk right into the house after days away and ignore you completely. (Which is somehow your fault.) Honestly, if their primary parent lacks social graces, niceties, common sense... It's unlikely her or his kids will either. Reality check.
Whatever it is, you have two options. You can handle it right there, which usually doesn't go over well. But, that may not matter to you, especially if they were over-the-top rude. Sometimes, especially when you're the only adult there to witness the behavior or interaction, you just have to step in, say something, or ask for proper treatment.
Sometimes that's effective. Mostly it seems to just make everyone hate us, despite however much it was completely warranted. I don't feel like explaining that right now, because it's a stupid cycle of nonsense.
Your second option, if your husband is there, is to leave. Let's expand on what I mean by that, first.
Leaving does not really mean "ditching" or the dramatic "leaving." It can be:
- Get a bottle of wine or martini, some ice cream, your favorite movies, and go to your bedroom. You've now put yourself on a very nice time-out, aka "stepmom vacation." You don't even need to tell anybody you're doing this, because you're not leaving the house anyways. Just do it. And close the door. Maybe they'll notice, maybe they won't. Either way, it's you time.
- Call a friend, if you have any local, and go out. Have some girl time. You need it, anyways.
- Go do something you want to do. Go to the gym, a class, the nice restaurant you've been wanting to go to, a movie... Something that makes up for the mistreatment you were not deserving of.
Benefit? You come back happier. You escaped the increasingly dangerous situation. You removed yourself. You stopped your frustration from lack of control from hitting the roof and turning into pure anger, which will result in all the blame probably on you. (Again, stupid cycle of nonsense.)
Sometimes you can't leave, though. I know. But be creative. Maybe you can in some way. Maybe you can take a walk, or be like the kids themselves and get some headphones out with an iPod or Netflix and immerse yourself in your own music or movies. (Good idea for sports games where the parents are crazy, as well.)
Now, what about stopping the behavior? As walking away, means it will probably just continue, right?
It definitely should be addressed, but when you get upset, virtually no one listens.
So, here are some better options to losing it (which is only natural- no judgement from me!! But if you can put off the losing it another day, that's generally best.):
It definitely should be addressed, but when you get upset, virtually no one listens.
So, here are some better options to losing it (which is only natural- no judgement from me!! But if you can put off the losing it another day, that's generally best.):
First, talk to your husband about it. But you probably already have. It's always best to try to talk to him at a good time and express your feelings, your concerns about how the kids are learning that treating you bad is OK, which translates to how they will treat others and not just you...yadda yadda. I know, you've tried that.
If talking to your husband about it is going nowhere (common), then it will probably escalate to rudeness to others over time, and he hopefully will notice. When your stepkids are being that horrible to their grandparents (yep), your husband might realize that his kids need some guidance on "thank yous" and general acceptable behavior towards others. In other words, he may need to be embarrassed first in front of family for it to hit him and take action. And then you get to be supportive with this new method of parenting!
Or, another tact: He'll start to notice you're disappearing a whole lot, not cooking as much, etc. When he notices, let him know why, thoughtfully. Or, if you're at my stage, I let him know why at the right time- whether it is at the moment of offense, or sometime later, or before the next time we see the kids.
If he wants you to be there, then he will want to help his kids be inclusive and respectful of all and not just "stepmom." Good learned behavior is just that and has nothing to do with "just stepmom." If kids are mistreating any one and getting away with it, they're learning that it is acceptable to mistreat anyone.
(FYI: This advice is somewhat adapted from "Have a New Kid by Friday" tactics.)
I do not want to advise you to simply walk away all the time, but it is just one tactic. Different situations call for different things. It just isn't that simple, and I totally get that. Sometimes the blow up is necessary, but then you should take yourself somewhere nice afterwards anyways. Removal of a toy, treat, or activity (or phone or iPad or car keys...) are also some of those common on-the-spot actions.
If your husband pulls the tough guy act and pretends he doesn't care that you're not with the family as much, he'll get over his macho-ness eventually (unless he doesn't want a marriage in the first place, as compromise and listening are a part of the deal...). Also, the kids, if on the younger side, might ask you to come out or with them. At that time, state that you will go or play with them, but express your concern that you might be mistreated again. Ask for the proper treatment as a condition, and they will probably be much better kids after that (for a bit). (Straight from Have a New Kid By Friday, by the way. Useful to a certain degree in stepparenting, though somewhat difficult to apply completely in a joint custody family with split time share.)
I know it's hard. Sometimes a lot more than others. You are helping them learn, and you are helping them to be better people if they learn that rudeness is just rudeness, no matter the target and the reasons behind it. Being socially competent will help them earn and keep employment, have better friendships and relationships, and a generally more thoughtful human understanding. Who knows what life successes could come from it!
What do you like to do when you "leave"?
I do not want to advise you to simply walk away all the time, but it is just one tactic. Different situations call for different things. It just isn't that simple, and I totally get that. Sometimes the blow up is necessary, but then you should take yourself somewhere nice afterwards anyways. Removal of a toy, treat, or activity (or phone or iPad or car keys...) are also some of those common on-the-spot actions.
If your husband pulls the tough guy act and pretends he doesn't care that you're not with the family as much, he'll get over his macho-ness eventually (unless he doesn't want a marriage in the first place, as compromise and listening are a part of the deal...). Also, the kids, if on the younger side, might ask you to come out or with them. At that time, state that you will go or play with them, but express your concern that you might be mistreated again. Ask for the proper treatment as a condition, and they will probably be much better kids after that (for a bit). (Straight from Have a New Kid By Friday, by the way. Useful to a certain degree in stepparenting, though somewhat difficult to apply completely in a joint custody family with split time share.)
I know it's hard. Sometimes a lot more than others. You are helping them learn, and you are helping them to be better people if they learn that rudeness is just rudeness, no matter the target and the reasons behind it. Being socially competent will help them earn and keep employment, have better friendships and relationships, and a generally more thoughtful human understanding. Who knows what life successes could come from it!
What do you like to do when you "leave"?
Tuesday, October 29, 2013
Wrong
Things have often been rocky for us, and pretty much perpetually. For right now, and hopefully for longer, things have been smooth. It's been nice and fairly consistent.
One example is that my husband has for the past year believed that his eldest daughter would stop seeing him. In his head, it was at any moment, for anything. It also seemed to be connected to birthdays. He connected her 15th birthday with this possibility, relating it to his own decisions at 15, and 16 seemed to signify her ability to choose- in his head. None of this was vocalized by her, but he was perpetually afraid of "the day."
The few in his life who knew this was his belief actively informed him that he was probably wrong, and encouraged him by reminding him that he is an amazing dad. He does have a good (enough) relationship with his daughter, even though it isn't perfect given the divisions falsely created between them over the years by his ex- and the obvious fact that she's a teenaged girl. He has been a support to her, and she has responded by continuing to have a relationship with him and not cutting him out like so many teenage girls do. Given his fear, he seemed to focus on the negative aspects and not the positives.
15th and 16th bithdays have gone by. She's still coming over. Her mom's persuasion has not overcome. She isn't driving yet, and that may cause some changes when she's officially driving on her own. But as his wife, and the person who witnesses their relationship the most- I don't see a complete cut-off coming. And if it does come, as it could, it will have little to do with him. It will be because of the power of his ex, or his daughter just being a teenager, or something trivial.
There have been near fall-outs in the past, and thinly veiled threats, and nothing has come of it- at all. His insistence that he still see her, that she still see him, have always won out over many, many years of her mom trying to create false reasons of separation. There was still motivation by his daughter to keep coming, to not resist time with her dad even once. She has texted horribly mean things to her mom about her dad and I and being with us, complained about us to her sister and some family, but none of it materialized into anything direct. She also does not seem to be afraid of anything- afraid of not coming anymore or something like that- and I therefore think that this is her choice.
That's even more powerful, frankly, than the custody orders. She has a mom telling her she doesn't have to see her dad, a mom who supports any angry whim she has against her dad and I, and she is a moody teenager who easily blames everyone else for anything. She's easily irritated, and she's constantly told that her two-home life makes her life harder and that things would be easier for her if she stopped coming to our house. Despite all of that, she has continued to come to our house at every expected time. Her negative actions against us have not materialized into actual actions, as I'm fairly certain they are not deeply rooted, then. Similar to any kid being angry at their parent for parenting but not actually "hating" their parent or not wanting to see them. They are just angry, lashing out, or saying things they don't mean. Everyone who knows my husband and his daughter know that they do have a relationship, they do have things in common, she does enjoy him, and she quite possibly knows she needs or wants him deep down.
So, in this case- maybe the only case- I am glad that my husband is, so far, wrong. He's still going to fear her officially giving up on him, even if it is unreasonable. I wonder if this is a very common feeling and experience of the divorced dad with minimal custody. I've heard of moms fearing their children leaving them, and I think this is a somewhat similar thing- except twisted, as it includes perpetual thought and emotional attacks from a constantly present 3rd party.
I was told about a year ago by a therapist that we can't live and act in fear of my stepdaughter hating us enough to stop coming over or stop communication with her dad. The doctor stated that teenagers are likely to do that to any parent, at pretty much any point, for who knows what reason. Something could trigger her choice to do that, and we would not have much power over that. She's frankly right, and with the amount of encouragement my stepdaughter receives to that effect, it would be no wonder. So in one way, my husband is completely right. In the meantime, let's simply rejoice that his fears are wrong right now and don't seem to be changing. In fact, its looking better as time goes on.
Similarly, I just realized something that I should have known for many years already. On the two weekday nights that my husband has 2 hour "dinner visits," my stepkids never, ever stress about returning to mom. They stress about nearly anything else relating to their mom's expectations and fear her angry reactions, but I have literally never realized until today that they do not really care if they are running late returning. They do not stress out their dad at the time that they should leave, turn off the TV, grab their stuff, or make any move for the door until he says "Ok, let's go." HOW did I miss this!? That is the most obvious sign of respect for their dad that I think either of them have ever done. They regularly show a lack of trust, faith, and respect in him despite his pure dedication to them, but this... This is so powerful. They've stressed about responding to their mom by phone, they have lost it over forgetting something they need to return to her, and they used to cry if they had age-appropriate child stains on their clothes because they feared displeasing her SO much. There are so many instances where we have had to calm them down, explain that they were with us, and that their mom could not control them- and effectively ruin their time with us- while here. That still happens, by the way. Just happened the other week. Their mom contacts them to "remind" them of her expectations last minute, pretty much immediately upsetting them in their last few minutes or hours of their weekend time with their dad.
So, given that power, even into their teenage years, its quite extraordinary that they do not tell their dad that it is time to go, get antsy, start sighing, or stress him out- like they do so many other things- when it is time for them to go back to their mom. They'd much prefer to keep sitting with him, watching TV with him or playing a game, even if it makes them a little late and their mom mad. They don't even gather their things or put on their shoes and jackets until he says, "Ok, time to go." And even then, when he makes that announcement, he usually has to tell them to hurry up! That really says something. Honestly, that is a super huge, positive realization and sign of what their real feelings are towards their dad.
What is it that you're missing, or your husband is missing? Is there anything, through all the crap, that quietly shines of hope, trust, or love? It took me years to see this, and my husband is still struggling to see it at all sometimes, so I know its hard. But I hope you find it.
One example is that my husband has for the past year believed that his eldest daughter would stop seeing him. In his head, it was at any moment, for anything. It also seemed to be connected to birthdays. He connected her 15th birthday with this possibility, relating it to his own decisions at 15, and 16 seemed to signify her ability to choose- in his head. None of this was vocalized by her, but he was perpetually afraid of "the day."
The few in his life who knew this was his belief actively informed him that he was probably wrong, and encouraged him by reminding him that he is an amazing dad. He does have a good (enough) relationship with his daughter, even though it isn't perfect given the divisions falsely created between them over the years by his ex- and the obvious fact that she's a teenaged girl. He has been a support to her, and she has responded by continuing to have a relationship with him and not cutting him out like so many teenage girls do. Given his fear, he seemed to focus on the negative aspects and not the positives.
15th and 16th bithdays have gone by. She's still coming over. Her mom's persuasion has not overcome. She isn't driving yet, and that may cause some changes when she's officially driving on her own. But as his wife, and the person who witnesses their relationship the most- I don't see a complete cut-off coming. And if it does come, as it could, it will have little to do with him. It will be because of the power of his ex, or his daughter just being a teenager, or something trivial.
There have been near fall-outs in the past, and thinly veiled threats, and nothing has come of it- at all. His insistence that he still see her, that she still see him, have always won out over many, many years of her mom trying to create false reasons of separation. There was still motivation by his daughter to keep coming, to not resist time with her dad even once. She has texted horribly mean things to her mom about her dad and I and being with us, complained about us to her sister and some family, but none of it materialized into anything direct. She also does not seem to be afraid of anything- afraid of not coming anymore or something like that- and I therefore think that this is her choice.
That's even more powerful, frankly, than the custody orders. She has a mom telling her she doesn't have to see her dad, a mom who supports any angry whim she has against her dad and I, and she is a moody teenager who easily blames everyone else for anything. She's easily irritated, and she's constantly told that her two-home life makes her life harder and that things would be easier for her if she stopped coming to our house. Despite all of that, she has continued to come to our house at every expected time. Her negative actions against us have not materialized into actual actions, as I'm fairly certain they are not deeply rooted, then. Similar to any kid being angry at their parent for parenting but not actually "hating" their parent or not wanting to see them. They are just angry, lashing out, or saying things they don't mean. Everyone who knows my husband and his daughter know that they do have a relationship, they do have things in common, she does enjoy him, and she quite possibly knows she needs or wants him deep down.
So, in this case- maybe the only case- I am glad that my husband is, so far, wrong. He's still going to fear her officially giving up on him, even if it is unreasonable. I wonder if this is a very common feeling and experience of the divorced dad with minimal custody. I've heard of moms fearing their children leaving them, and I think this is a somewhat similar thing- except twisted, as it includes perpetual thought and emotional attacks from a constantly present 3rd party.
I was told about a year ago by a therapist that we can't live and act in fear of my stepdaughter hating us enough to stop coming over or stop communication with her dad. The doctor stated that teenagers are likely to do that to any parent, at pretty much any point, for who knows what reason. Something could trigger her choice to do that, and we would not have much power over that. She's frankly right, and with the amount of encouragement my stepdaughter receives to that effect, it would be no wonder. So in one way, my husband is completely right. In the meantime, let's simply rejoice that his fears are wrong right now and don't seem to be changing. In fact, its looking better as time goes on.
Similarly, I just realized something that I should have known for many years already. On the two weekday nights that my husband has 2 hour "dinner visits," my stepkids never, ever stress about returning to mom. They stress about nearly anything else relating to their mom's expectations and fear her angry reactions, but I have literally never realized until today that they do not really care if they are running late returning. They do not stress out their dad at the time that they should leave, turn off the TV, grab their stuff, or make any move for the door until he says "Ok, let's go." HOW did I miss this!? That is the most obvious sign of respect for their dad that I think either of them have ever done. They regularly show a lack of trust, faith, and respect in him despite his pure dedication to them, but this... This is so powerful. They've stressed about responding to their mom by phone, they have lost it over forgetting something they need to return to her, and they used to cry if they had age-appropriate child stains on their clothes because they feared displeasing her SO much. There are so many instances where we have had to calm them down, explain that they were with us, and that their mom could not control them- and effectively ruin their time with us- while here. That still happens, by the way. Just happened the other week. Their mom contacts them to "remind" them of her expectations last minute, pretty much immediately upsetting them in their last few minutes or hours of their weekend time with their dad.
So, given that power, even into their teenage years, its quite extraordinary that they do not tell their dad that it is time to go, get antsy, start sighing, or stress him out- like they do so many other things- when it is time for them to go back to their mom. They'd much prefer to keep sitting with him, watching TV with him or playing a game, even if it makes them a little late and their mom mad. They don't even gather their things or put on their shoes and jackets until he says, "Ok, time to go." And even then, when he makes that announcement, he usually has to tell them to hurry up! That really says something. Honestly, that is a super huge, positive realization and sign of what their real feelings are towards their dad.
What is it that you're missing, or your husband is missing? Is there anything, through all the crap, that quietly shines of hope, trust, or love? It took me years to see this, and my husband is still struggling to see it at all sometimes, so I know its hard. But I hope you find it.
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
Always in the Unwanted Spotlight
About half of my blog posts could be titled "Contradictions," or some variation thereof.
The contradiction du jour is that it's not all about me, but still, it keeps being all about me! Stepmoms would prefer less be about us, as a matter of fact.
There's a view from most stepkids, moms of our stepkids, and even in-laws that we think everything is all about us. That we're self-centered, focused on destroying others, and want all the money, our husband's to ourselves, and to forget the kids for eternity. This list could be triple in length, but I'll stop there. Everyone has heard someone describe their stepmom in that way. Dr. Wednesday Martin did research on perceptions of stepmoms and found that nearly all stepmoms are viewed as pure evil, with vindictive motives of the bad characters in horror movies and Grimm (which, are quite similar...). (StepMonster, 2009)
Most of us are not actually that kind of fabled evil stepmom. We're everyday evil stepmoms, where we just function as people, and in response to most things we do as people, are slapped with the evil stepmom label. We fantasize about how easy it would be to become actually evil, and occasionally we think of borderline evil plans, and then we laugh, shake our heads, and silently pray for our family situation to get better. But the reality is, being someone's second mom just makes you the target of all possible hate and anger from so many people.
And that's how in the end, apparently it is all about me. It is the case that somehow nearly everything wrong with my stepdaughter's life has something to do with me. Her parents, the ones with the bad marriage and the choice of partners, can't really be to blame...It's really that the existence of me is to blame for most everything, but particularly bad moods. I must have caused those, and it was probably something I said. Somehow everything I say causes most things. Our house may be completely fine, but if I did something... usually something a stepparent, one who has taken care of her for 7 years would do...I have officially ruined her life for the weekend and possibly months.
In regular families, as many have assured me, teenaged girls can be this way with their own parents. But us stepmoms know that unfortunately, many stepkids have a unique situation where they get to forgive their parents quite quickly and aim that pure hatred at an easier target with less power. That's my case, because she knows that being nasty to her parents will just get her in worse trouble. The worst part is....She's not just an angry teenager. She can simply tell any member of her family her typical teenaged angst against me, and they don't assume she's a teenager (just like they didn't assume she's just a kid when she did the same thing every year before). They actually believe I did or said or was as horrible as she claims. Will an angry teenaged girl also tell the same people and kids about the other good things I did? Nope. So they get only the dirt, and think, "Well of course that poor child is unhappy- Her stepmom is so horrible to her!"
Beyond her, her mom still believes that I am the root of all things wrong. So, years later, I know that there is way too much focus on me, way too much insistence that I cause my husband to do or think the way he does like he's a puppet, and that I somehow cause all these unhappy things. No, no- it's not all me. I know it's not all me. I'm completely confused on why I'm the cause of so many things, but I guess according to the kids' mom...I am the center of all bad things. Aim the spotlight. My husband is just to the right of that spotlight, but not really in it.
And then beyond that, there's their extended family. Throughout the years, even members outside of the stepkid and mom unit reason that all choices, well, the ones they disagree with, must have come from me. I can't tell you how many random things I've heard, later through the grapevine, were attributed to me- which was always a blatant distortion of the facts, completely leaving my husband's free will and parenting out of the story. Sometimes it was because the kids were the source of the information, and other times assumptions were made on top of facts. My poor husband...I seem to control his every movement.
It's very curious, to me, how much I seem to be involved.
I really would prefer to be seen as what I am in everything regarding the kids: Secondary to my husband. I am not the leader, but I am a partner. I support him. My husband, when it involves the kids, is the one who decides and chooses. Things I do and say, as I've written here before, are results of many events prior and decisions and discussions he and I have had together. Unlike my stepdaughter's assessment, it is not "all because of her"- where the "her" is me, in complete disgust.
Well, actually, yes, some things are all because of me. As a matter of fact, we wouldn't visit extended family half as much as we do if it weren't for my financial contributions and family planning. Trips that I dread, but know we must do on behalf of the kids and the family, I make happen. We wouldn't have a home, because my husband could not maintain a mortgage on his own. She wouldn't have so many of the things and furniture she and our family have. We wouldn't have all the pets, we wouldn't have the money to do nearly all of the activities and trips that we do, and she wouldn't have an even bigger family that takes care of her like their own. She wouldn't have had someone that took care of her for years when her dad worked longer hours, further from home.
There's a number of other things, but yeah, that's what I'll take the actual credit for. The rest of it is exaggerated, misunderstood, or not even about me. If it's not all about me, then I'd like everyone else to stop making too many things all about me.
The contradiction du jour is that it's not all about me, but still, it keeps being all about me! Stepmoms would prefer less be about us, as a matter of fact.
There's a view from most stepkids, moms of our stepkids, and even in-laws that we think everything is all about us. That we're self-centered, focused on destroying others, and want all the money, our husband's to ourselves, and to forget the kids for eternity. This list could be triple in length, but I'll stop there. Everyone has heard someone describe their stepmom in that way. Dr. Wednesday Martin did research on perceptions of stepmoms and found that nearly all stepmoms are viewed as pure evil, with vindictive motives of the bad characters in horror movies and Grimm (which, are quite similar...). (StepMonster, 2009)
Most of us are not actually that kind of fabled evil stepmom. We're everyday evil stepmoms, where we just function as people, and in response to most things we do as people, are slapped with the evil stepmom label. We fantasize about how easy it would be to become actually evil, and occasionally we think of borderline evil plans, and then we laugh, shake our heads, and silently pray for our family situation to get better. But the reality is, being someone's second mom just makes you the target of all possible hate and anger from so many people.
And that's how in the end, apparently it is all about me. It is the case that somehow nearly everything wrong with my stepdaughter's life has something to do with me. Her parents, the ones with the bad marriage and the choice of partners, can't really be to blame...It's really that the existence of me is to blame for most everything, but particularly bad moods. I must have caused those, and it was probably something I said. Somehow everything I say causes most things. Our house may be completely fine, but if I did something... usually something a stepparent, one who has taken care of her for 7 years would do...I have officially ruined her life for the weekend and possibly months.
In regular families, as many have assured me, teenaged girls can be this way with their own parents. But us stepmoms know that unfortunately, many stepkids have a unique situation where they get to forgive their parents quite quickly and aim that pure hatred at an easier target with less power. That's my case, because she knows that being nasty to her parents will just get her in worse trouble. The worst part is....She's not just an angry teenager. She can simply tell any member of her family her typical teenaged angst against me, and they don't assume she's a teenager (just like they didn't assume she's just a kid when she did the same thing every year before). They actually believe I did or said or was as horrible as she claims. Will an angry teenaged girl also tell the same people and kids about the other good things I did? Nope. So they get only the dirt, and think, "Well of course that poor child is unhappy- Her stepmom is so horrible to her!"
Beyond her, her mom still believes that I am the root of all things wrong. So, years later, I know that there is way too much focus on me, way too much insistence that I cause my husband to do or think the way he does like he's a puppet, and that I somehow cause all these unhappy things. No, no- it's not all me. I know it's not all me. I'm completely confused on why I'm the cause of so many things, but I guess according to the kids' mom...I am the center of all bad things. Aim the spotlight. My husband is just to the right of that spotlight, but not really in it.
And then beyond that, there's their extended family. Throughout the years, even members outside of the stepkid and mom unit reason that all choices, well, the ones they disagree with, must have come from me. I can't tell you how many random things I've heard, later through the grapevine, were attributed to me- which was always a blatant distortion of the facts, completely leaving my husband's free will and parenting out of the story. Sometimes it was because the kids were the source of the information, and other times assumptions were made on top of facts. My poor husband...I seem to control his every movement.
It's very curious, to me, how much I seem to be involved.
I really would prefer to be seen as what I am in everything regarding the kids: Secondary to my husband. I am not the leader, but I am a partner. I support him. My husband, when it involves the kids, is the one who decides and chooses. Things I do and say, as I've written here before, are results of many events prior and decisions and discussions he and I have had together. Unlike my stepdaughter's assessment, it is not "all because of her"- where the "her" is me, in complete disgust.
Well, actually, yes, some things are all because of me. As a matter of fact, we wouldn't visit extended family half as much as we do if it weren't for my financial contributions and family planning. Trips that I dread, but know we must do on behalf of the kids and the family, I make happen. We wouldn't have a home, because my husband could not maintain a mortgage on his own. She wouldn't have so many of the things and furniture she and our family have. We wouldn't have all the pets, we wouldn't have the money to do nearly all of the activities and trips that we do, and she wouldn't have an even bigger family that takes care of her like their own. She wouldn't have had someone that took care of her for years when her dad worked longer hours, further from home.
There's a number of other things, but yeah, that's what I'll take the actual credit for. The rest of it is exaggerated, misunderstood, or not even about me. If it's not all about me, then I'd like everyone else to stop making too many things all about me.
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