The (step)Teenaged Years

Things have changed over the years.

A lot less drama overall. Why is that?

Partly because our kids are now a lot more independent. One can drive. She usually drives her sibling. They're doing less "activities," which means there's less stress and we have less involvement with their mom.

(Less involvement meaning: Less time sitting for hours with her in the stands at a ball game, less time fearing intimidation, less time watching my back, less anxiety attacks, less time purposely moving around fields in a way that keeps me from being mocked, glared at, or blocked.)

My s'kids are now also starting to realize that they have the ability to ignore mom, when needed, also. I have waited so long for them to be real teenagers, wiggling for independence... It's about time. It has been a relief to hear that one is giving equal, and and maybe even more, amounts of grief to the other parent- finally. We have had way too many years of alienation against us, effective bullying, and continuous lying to the kids about us. Our relationship with them was repeatedly hurt by manipulation, and one seemed to truly hate us for many years (despite simultaneously clearly craving her dad's love, time, and affection).

I'm sure I wrote at some point, maybe more than once, that if you teach your kids to disrespect the other parent, one day that will backfire on you. Well, that has come true. I wish I could elaborate.

The teenage metamorphosis is not complete, though. They still definitely fear their mom. They fear upsetting her, and although both are old enough to be given the time share they want, they are not willing to be even a few minutes late when returning to Mom's. We know there is a continuation of control going on, and not in a way that would be healthy for teenagers- as it is only against another parent, the target. It's very sad to me that an-almost-adult is not able to choose when she comes over or leaves her own dad's house and cannot see our side of the family when she wants to. It's of course also sad that they are not being listened to, but we don't think they are even being asked or considered. Can't say that your kids requested something if you refuse to hear it or have scared them enough to know that broaching the subject isn't even possible without fearing a number of frightening reactions.

I know that a lot of stepmoms, and regular parents, struggle with the tough teenaged years. It is a bit confusing, but it has ultimately been nice for us. It's a little bit scary for us to not know what the rules are at the other house and watch a daughter walk out the door on her own accord, with her own vehicle, to a supposed location...But she seems happier, and both are doing very well with friends. We would prefer they flourish than remain under complete parental control...And they appreciate this greatly now. (We tried to show them that we greatly supported them, more so than the other household, in social activities before, but I guess the realization/truth didn't really ever stick...)

I wasn't convinced that the teenaged years would work out for us. I have met plenty of stepmoms who have had a worst time during this time period, especially when kids are still strongly manipulated. So whenever someone told me they would grow up and be more independent in high school, I had very valid doubts.
I have also been lucky to not endure what more and more stepmoms are enduring:

1. Got married. Kids were somewhere far away- Saw them for holidays, but they lived with mom.
2. During or right after the honeymoon, teens with major behavioral/drug/legal problems simply dropped off at Dad's.
3. Suddenly, you're a warden mom to teens with loads of problems that your new husband doesn't know how to deal with because he hasn't been their actual parent in many, many years. 

Yeah, that's real. It's entirely possible I would have handled that situation better than having sudden-children, but it obviously would be a massive strain on a brand new marriage. (understatement) I watched as these poor ladies tore their hair out week after week, coming up with new battle action plans for dealing with drug use in the home, sex in the house, kids dropping out of school. 

Yeah, some of you are now happy you started out with toddlers now, aren't ya? 

Strong Fathers

If your husband has a hard time parenting/being a parent to/guiding/talking to/understanding his daughters, buy him this book in the format he may actually read (or listen to) immediately:

Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know by Meg Meeker

If he won't read it, read it together. If he won't listen to it, listen to it together on a road trip.

There's a challenge workbook that goes along with it, if you feel so inclined:
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: The 30 Day Challenge

Meg Meeker's book is based on social science and research. It is not a Dr. Phil TV show. It's real, and it will wake him up as a dad.

Don't get it for him for Father's Day. Get it now, and help him understand what Father's Day really means when the day gets here.

Why is he not much of a dad to them?
He doesn't know how to be. He is scared to be. He fears their moods and their possible dislike of him.

Our culture tells us that dads are of trivial importance to a daughter in comparison to mom. Plus, the court judges, lawyers, and mediators tell us the same. The statistics say the same. And likely, his daughters will say and show the same choice.

Many men may not even know what being a father looks like, if their own father left or they've had to redefine it. We also live in a time of "just keep the kids happy" in order to avoid their wrath. Fathering has definitely changed in definition today.

This book will empower him and help him understand how important he is.

Compartmentalizing

The honest truth is that one of my stepdaughters is just a girl, normal and all. She has moods, she has likes and dislikes, she sometimes tries to get out of trouble by lying or hiding something. But she reminds me of... a kid. She's just a kid.

My other stepdaughter reminds me of her mom. She embodies traits that I have always strongly disliked in others, that I then purposely avoid. She acts like one person sometimes, and other times you see the real her. She's one of those friends that you eventually decide to stay away from because you just can't trust them, and you're not sure who they really are.

My husband loves her to the end of the world, but he knows why I have major trust issues with her and why it's so hard for me to get past them. He respects that I don't share the same love and affection for her, based on her actions, attitudes, and choices over the years. He understands that I have been severely wounded by her actions and words, and that he shares many of those wounds. His heart for her is from her birth, though, and his love will be that of an unconditionally loving parent. It is absolutely different, though he does understand.

It's very hard to let hurtful individuals into your home. I'm sure all of you have experienced something where you weren't even sure about or comfortable with inviting one of your own family members into your home. If you haven't experienced that, you know plenty of people who have. Although you may care for a family member, you may not be in touch with them because of certain reasons. Or, maybe you haven't even talked to a certain family member in years or decades because of something that happened or because you are just different people. Or, you have a friend or family for which this is the case, if you yourself do not have this situation in your life.

When you have a personal problem with or a number of differences between you and another family member, usually you don't have to see them for a certain period of time. You can avoid until the next holiday. Let time heal. Let the anger subside or wait for an apology or your own forgiveness to set in. Or, simply deal with them for a couple of holidays a year. Or, if they live far away, send them the occasional card. Make the occasional call. It doesn't mean they have to come to your house every week.

My stepdaughters are my family. This much is true. I do not love them like my own children, but they are the closest to my own children that I may ever have. Who knows. It doesn't matter. They are my husband's children. And I love him more than anything in the entire universe, and by default I care for them more than any other child. When they hurt him, I am hurt by his hurt. When they are all 3 laughing together, I am feel so much joy to hear it. When they succeed, it makes me proud, but it makes my husband so much more proud, and that gives me joy. I want them to love him, I want him to see them, and I want them to be together. It's what I want, even if I technically don't want them, really.

When I am upset with my stepdaughters, usually due to ongoing, dragged out, life-suffocating drama of some sort where my husband and I are both severely concerned about their well-being and future, they will come over regularly. Not everyday, but nearly every other day. I don't get cool off time, like I do with the rest of my immediate family. Like my spouse, they will be in my house. I can't avoid them or let things settle down. And... I can't move away. They can't either. We all stay in this stew of mismatch.

I've found that although I don't unconditionally love them like their blood family members do, I can compartmentalize. Not always...I wish I could more and at all times. This is related to one segment of detachment concepts. Although I'd prefer to not hang out with someone as much as I do, I have to. I do my best to get along with them, or just co-exist, despite the anger and distance I feel inside over the latest set of lies, negligence, and disgraces. For the most part, I compartmentalize my real feelings. I'm not that comfortable with it, I've never been good at hiding my feelings, but I do it as much as I can. Some of their visits are short, so I just have to get through the time and keep myself distracted and busy. Still, I continue to take care of them like they are children in my home, like I am the mom of the house with all the jobs I've taken on for our family, and I function as an adult leader and guardian to them, whether I like them that day or not. I cook for them, help them, answer questions, participate in discussions and activities, buy them things they need. I function as their caretaker, and definitely as their mom when they're here, and I can't just quit, I don't turn into an evil stepmonster. I act like a regular mom...Though sometimes I hide or go on a whole lot of unnecessary errands.

The only time I completely lose ability to segregate my feelings with my actions is when they are rude and hurtful to their father and my husband, who is also my hero and best friend and heart. Which is, unfortunately, very often. I often can't believe what I'm hearing and seeing from his very own children, and any mom or wife would tell their children to not treat their father in that way. I'm sure he wishes I would defend him less, but I'm the only person who does. He's never had an advocate before, which is sad since  he should have at least had that in his first marriage.

It's a known theme of life for a stepmom to do a lot and be unappreciated, and although frustrating, it is also numbing and fits expectations. When they treat their dad in the same way, that infuriates me because he does love them without end. He is amazing, a wonderful father, but they have a mother who hates him and disrespected him for their entire lives. She is the center of their small worlds, and this rubs off on her children. They have "mom-glasses" if you will, and when they come off, they are normal kids who love their dad and act normal again. The nasty attitudes, distanced behavior, lies, hiding, shields, and defensiveness wear off, and sometimes very quickly these days. But with short visits, there's a lesser chance of the glasses coming off. (Dr. Richard Warshak explains how this happens in his books and articles, if you're interested or if you still believe children couldn't possibly be turned against their own parent without cause.) 


It's a very odd situation to have a home you run, where someone that you don't care for constantly comes over. Maybe some of you have this with a mother-in-law or your husband's ex, and it's time to enforce some boundaries. But I have no choice, and I do not have the right to ask her to leave (well, unless she did something truly exceptional). As a matter of fact, I wish she came over more. Isn't that funny? Although I wish we weren't "related" to this personal of a degree, I also know she would benefit from more time with her dad and vice versa. And we actually all work better together and are more of a family when we're together more. (The kids realize you and your husband are the authority, albeit temporary, and become more accepting of your home and rules when they know they're not reporting it all to their mother in less than an hour.) Another contradictory oddity of a stepfamily- Things can actually be less stressful and more smooth if you're together more. My goal is to help my husband and love him. Which means wanting my stepkids, caring for them as if they were my own as much as I can or am willing to, even if I also technically don't want them at the same time.