Young Stepmom, Old(er) Stepkids

One of the odd things about being a stepmom is that often times you are younger.

Well, not always. Definitely a myth that continues to be dispelled:

There are three solid camps, each with their own set of skills, frame of mind, and challenges for being a stepmom fit:

1. Worked their education and career, waited for marriage and the truly right man- who just happened to have been married before. (Age, in comparison to husband, varies rather widely!)
2. Married before, it really didn't work out, but now you've found your right match. (Usually similar age, and the coolest stories are those that were high school sweethearts originally, in my personal opinion...)
3. Me. Young(ish?) bride, first marriage, to a man who is starting all over. (Age: Usually younger to much younger.)

The younger you are in comparison to your husband, the older your stepkids could be. If I had had my stepkids, I would have been in high school for the first. Us younger 2nd/3rd brides enjoy the experience of moms at school asking if we are our stepkids' sisters or nannies. (Which older women, usually way after the moment of insane embarrassment, point out is something we should frankly take complete glee in. True, especially now that I look back...)

The younger stepmom initially, or maybe all along, enjoys a feeling of a closer understanding to the kids. (Not always the case though, or is a sensation that can come and go.) You may not have had the kids, but you aren't all that far off from them. You may remember what it felt like a little easier than the parents seem to- maybe because you didn't watch them grow from infancy on. There's just something different. You just seem to recall what it is like to be their age a little easier or quicker than the parents do, especially if they are girls.

There is this truly interesting dynamic as a (young-ish) stepmom of teenaged girls. I feel continually perplexed by the things they do and want to know what is happening, asking my husband to step up the wise-parenting in the situation a little more- while simultaneously experiencing personal flashbacks to when I was their age (which sadly sometimes feels like it wasn't long ago at all) and realizing that I did the same damn thing to my parents that is currently driving me nuts about the kid that isn't really "mine"....

It's enough to make me simply walk away, get a drink, or give up in surrender watching some TV show addiction on Chromecast. At the same time, I'm totally worried about what is happening, where they are, and if their stupid boyfriend is there. Etc. Etc.

In all, you learn why parents go crazy. You also feel like you shouldn't feel this freaking old. Like it's totally more unfair for you to be dealing with this right now, because just yesterday (mmkay, 10 years ago, Miss Denial) you were in college... Admit it: You totally have moments of feeling much "cooler" than this situation warrants. It's one of our out-of-place moments.

Sometimes you totally feel validated as a stepmom, though. There are some perks. There are times where your stepkids, as teens, will seek you out with friends. It is possible, and does happen, that your teen may actually realize you're the one adult to go to for certain advice. I am now the person that one of my stepdaughters steers her friends to for dealing with particular problems she knows I've experienced. It's super cool, and also something I always wanted from being a stepmom. Yeah, I idiotically always hoped that I would be a source of knowledge, wisdom, and/or solace for these young people one day.... Finally that is paying off! (Ok, for now....May not last. This one is still a young teen.)

As a church youth leader for churches in my adult life and a camp counselor before, I have always seen myself as a mentor and completely envisioned myself that way for my stepdaughters "one day." I am fairly certain I even told my husband this "plan." Hahahaha. I realize how stupid I was to have such lofty goals, when in honesty, as a stepmom in a contentious, partial custody situation, you should just hope that your stepkids show you an ounce of respect.

I'm also struggling with the fact that our stepkids don't automatically or naturally invite their friends over. This is likely to sound nuts to many of you, as I know many of you feel like there are enough kids in your house as it is, but I also envisioned being the welcoming, fun parent with the house where people hung out. We have only achieved that on a very minor level, when they have official sleepovers. Sometimes they are fine with one friend pretty much living with us for 24-72 hours, but then we're a little confused when weekend after weekend, study groups and sleepovers are at other houses on a regular basis.

We know to not take it too personally, though. 1) We had a much smaller house before (though, that didn't bother them one bit for sleepover parties), 2) No pool. Pretty common to be the cool house if you have a pool. 3) I buy healthy food. But, we have purposely bought junk food in the past to show them that inviting friends over = unhealthy time! (yay!...?) 3) Houses closer to their schools seem to be easy winners. Most kids can walk there, etc. 4) They grew up and lived primarily with a family that does not invite people over. Social time was not encouraged by their mom. Inviting people over was a special exception, with very limited time frames. So, we feel they have been basically trained to not automatically invite people over.

But, we have encouraged clearly, and it is getting better. We've have accommodated. We have very busy weekends sometimes, and will keep encouraging.   Amusingly, despite wanting our home to be welcoming to friend hangouts, I have a strange, tendency to turn semi-anti-social last minute and escape to my room with a glass (no, not bottle) of wine or errands around town. I don't know what to make of that exactly... But my husband handles it well, despite wondering why in the heck he's suddenly alone facilitating activities until midnight. (Ok, admittedly, kind of funny. Possibly subconscious payback? Stepmom indirect practical joke?)

Anyways, this territory is interesting. I'm waiting for the studies on it.

Passive (Step)Teen Parenting?

Teenagers. Teenagers.

They're tough for regular parents, but double the puzzle for a stepmom.

Do you leave them alone?

Do you ask?

Do you have your husband ask?

Do you ask their friends?

Do you create a false fire to make them flee their rooms once and for all?

Can you take away the car keys? Or is that sacriliege? (Unlike every other person of authority in their lives...)

Do they EVEN have a curfew!?
Are you up at night wondering where your stepkid is, while your spouse sleeps soundly?

Are you the one who asks where the teenagers went to, with who, and where?

Yeah, I feel ya.

My husband is in teen dad training. He doesn't seem to have expected teenaged girls one day. I was becoming a more hands off parent...And then they turned into teenaged girls, both, at once.
So... I'm "helping" him "remember" to ask where they are going, with whom, for how long, when they will be home...
And not accepting shrugs as responses.

Oh, so much to learn.

Why do I care? Well, usually I already had dinner planned, tickets to something or other, and chores we discussed earlier that they needed to do before setting foot out the door.

Then throw in the complication of minimal custody. Well, then you have a father who feels hurt each and every time his kids walk out the door unless he's had just a little bit of time with them. I see the sadness, I get the brunt of any repressed anger, and I watch him pretend it was all OK when they walk back in the door moody, sullen, and exhausted from friend/boyfriend drama and no-sleep-sleepovers.

Is it so bad to help your husband parent? No. You just need to help him understand and not make him look stupid in front of other people or his kids. That is hard, mind you, but there's an entire book called "Love & Respect" if you're poor in that category. It's tough, but doable. Love your husband, pray for him, and help him remember the Daddy role of protecting his young- even if they can drive now. If he's not "getting it" when it comes to his daughters- as most men don't seem to- get him the book "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters." He will regret not being a father to them when they needed it otherwise, and they will resent him for not being there as a strong presence, even if silent but clearly noticeable.

And if he doesn't trust your advice or parenting at all, please get therapy from a therapist who has also been a stepmom- pronto. Before it's too late- as he doesn't understand you are helping a lot, yet. Make sure your marriage comes first. (Contact me if you want a discount to the FamilyLife Marriage conference, Weekend To Remember. http://www.familylife.com/wtrfall14)

While at the FamilyLife conference, my husband bought a very, very short and easy-to-read book called "Interviewing Your Daughter's Date: 30 Minutes Man to Man" by Dennis Rainey. I had it on his Amazon wishlist for years, but he realized it was time- with both girls in relationships suddenly, and he could barely get their boyfriend's names! Within minutes, he was cracking up at Rainey's stories. Every dad of a daughter needs a little bit of support, guidance, or reminders- especially if it can come from wise mentors who aren't seen as a nagging wife!

The (step)Teenaged Years

Things have changed over the years.

A lot less drama overall. Why is that?

Partly because our kids are now a lot more independent. One can drive. She usually drives her sibling. They're doing less "activities," which means there's less stress and we have less involvement with their mom.

(Less involvement meaning: Less time sitting for hours with her in the stands at a ball game, less time fearing intimidation, less time watching my back, less anxiety attacks, less time purposely moving around fields in a way that keeps me from being mocked, glared at, or blocked.)

My s'kids are now also starting to realize that they have the ability to ignore mom, when needed, also. I have waited so long for them to be real teenagers, wiggling for independence... It's about time. It has been a relief to hear that one is giving equal, and and maybe even more, amounts of grief to the other parent- finally. We have had way too many years of alienation against us, effective bullying, and continuous lying to the kids about us. Our relationship with them was repeatedly hurt by manipulation, and one seemed to truly hate us for many years (despite simultaneously clearly craving her dad's love, time, and affection).

I'm sure I wrote at some point, maybe more than once, that if you teach your kids to disrespect the other parent, one day that will backfire on you. Well, that has come true. I wish I could elaborate.

The teenage metamorphosis is not complete, though. They still definitely fear their mom. They fear upsetting her, and although both are old enough to be given the time share they want, they are not willing to be even a few minutes late when returning to Mom's. We know there is a continuation of control going on, and not in a way that would be healthy for teenagers- as it is only against another parent, the target. It's very sad to me that an-almost-adult is not able to choose when she comes over or leaves her own dad's house and cannot see our side of the family when she wants to. It's of course also sad that they are not being listened to, but we don't think they are even being asked or considered. Can't say that your kids requested something if you refuse to hear it or have scared them enough to know that broaching the subject isn't even possible without fearing a number of frightening reactions.

I know that a lot of stepmoms, and regular parents, struggle with the tough teenaged years. It is a bit confusing, but it has ultimately been nice for us. It's a little bit scary for us to not know what the rules are at the other house and watch a daughter walk out the door on her own accord, with her own vehicle, to a supposed location...But she seems happier, and both are doing very well with friends. We would prefer they flourish than remain under complete parental control...And they appreciate this greatly now. (We tried to show them that we greatly supported them, more so than the other household, in social activities before, but I guess the realization/truth didn't really ever stick...)

I wasn't convinced that the teenaged years would work out for us. I have met plenty of stepmoms who have had a worst time during this time period, especially when kids are still strongly manipulated. So whenever someone told me they would grow up and be more independent in high school, I had very valid doubts.
I have also been lucky to not endure what more and more stepmoms are enduring:

1. Got married. Kids were somewhere far away- Saw them for holidays, but they lived with mom.
2. During or right after the honeymoon, teens with major behavioral/drug/legal problems simply dropped off at Dad's.
3. Suddenly, you're a warden mom to teens with loads of problems that your new husband doesn't know how to deal with because he hasn't been their actual parent in many, many years. 

Yeah, that's real. It's entirely possible I would have handled that situation better than having sudden-children, but it obviously would be a massive strain on a brand new marriage. (understatement) I watched as these poor ladies tore their hair out week after week, coming up with new battle action plans for dealing with drug use in the home, sex in the house, kids dropping out of school. 

Yeah, some of you are now happy you started out with toddlers now, aren't ya?