A psychologist informed me that my husband and I are letting ourselves be taken hostage by the kids, their mom, and our fears of court. I explained a number of different life choices we would like to make and how we are terrified to make any of those choices a reality.
The biggest example is fostering. If we choose to foster or adopt, or even start to go down the path, the kids and their mom will use it against us. If we actually did foster or adopt, there would be some issue with it. We only went to an information session, and it caused the kids to tell a number of important, court-influence-level people that we want to replace and forget them. No matter what and how many conversations my husband had with the kids stating that he wishes they were with us much more and they would get a sibling and family out of it, this was still the result.
This is probably the most tenuous topic for a stepfamily with a severely low amount of custody. Adding more kids to the family could mean scaring off the stepkids even further, thereby deeply hurting my husband even more. And we aren't talking about typical little kid concerns or sibling jealousy...Teenagers don't want to add kids to the family, despite how it could be good for them. The oldest kid is so close to just walking out on us for good, because of the very strong message she receives from her mom's family: that she doesn't need her dad- ever.
But keeping our family in the state it is in is painful in itself- empty rooms, unused toys, and knowing that you are not really parents 75% (or so) of the time, despite your efforts to be involved in every way possible outside of that limit. This arrangement feels fake, surreal, and my husband works himself so hard to make up the time, to show two kids that he loves them as much as a full-time father. The reality is he becomes the invisible, background, after-thought father. They've been trained to consider him as such, and to value him as a lesser component of their lives. And the system, the court custody agreement default template, helps kids to see the secondary parent in this way, beyond the bitterness of the ex. Honestly, a kid is going to simply think, "I don't see you, therefore you must not want to be with me," no matter what you say, how you say it, and how much you love them. (This is why even-time shared custody solutions are proving such great results, because it cuts out the artificial confusion children experience from a primary and secondary time arrangement.)
Knowing that we would be capable, good parents and fighting for years to be that to two kids who often go to lengths to show us they just don't need or want it, hurts. We have broken hearts that have felt very empty for large swaths of time. Knowing that there are kids out there who need parents, guidance, love, homes, and everything we can offer sounds like a wonderful way to give in ways we just court-ordered can't. It is true that my stepkids do need us and need our love, but we have no power over the amount or timing of it. And that powerlessness is also what makes this all so unbelievably frustrating.
And what if said teenager did walk out on us "for good?" Well, she could come back. If we use a room for someone else and reorganize the house for a foster child, then she definitely won't come back. Keeping their rooms empty is sadly so important, "just in case." Teenagers, and young adults, change their minds and their life situations change so quickly, that we need to have the space for empty bedrooms AND additional rooms for foster kids. This just isn't possible for us, and I don't believe its possible for most families, either.
I watch the show Extreme Home Makeover. I love seeing how loving families have made homes out of near nothing. It is unfortunate that in many of the chosen cases the kids are sharing rooms (sometimes to a ridiculous point), but they're really happy or loved, prior to the new McMansion they're given. The kids always say something like "Wow! I've never had my own room!" This somewhat amuses me about the show, because the kids at some point will have to share rooms again in a short period of time- college dorms, marriage- or, in many of the cases, you can tell that the parents, if they were foster parents, can see how many MORE kids they can take in given their new massive home. Those parents know that they were blessed because they served, and they want to turn that kindness around into more generosity. They know that their new mega home will be put to good use, and that other kids will come into their home in a matter of time. But their kids know that that is what their parents do; they are loving, have a lot to give, and help others. They accept that life changes and there are others in need, like they were at one point before they were fostered or adopted. They know that the love they were given must be shared and passed on.
People say that kids get over it when another child is brought into the family. I've heard, seen, and read a number of stories about the toddler being jealous about the new baby (my stepkids included), the new sibling, or being confused about an adopted sibling. This is a part of life and family. But I don't think the average family feels such fear like we do about this topic/decision. I don't think most families have to consider their own kids literally leaving them and not coming back if they choose to foster or adopt a child in need. A typical parent or family can trust that their kids will adapt and accept. We cannot assume the same.
The psychologist mentioned at the beginning of this post stated that kids, and teenagers especially, will not like things parents will choose to do, no matter how hard you try to please them. No matter what you say, no matter what you set up for them, they will be kids and teenagers and be unhappy about something. Something could make them so angry, and you could have never seen it coming. Something could cause a teenager to leave, and you may have had no power over it. It's more that we need to accept that we need to live our lives and accept that the kids may be terribly unhappy about it- and that we may lose them even more.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
Judge Not, Lest Ye Be Judged
I know that we're often criticized for our "parenting."
I don't really consider most of my involvement with my stepkids as parenting any longer, because they're older now and I've severely cut back in my involvement with the kids in general. This is also primarily due to a major change in circumstances that we waited for for many years. I step in when I have to (their dad is unavailable), when my husband has asked me to, or when the kids have asked me to. Overall, my husband does the parenting now, though he often discusses things with me still and his choices are built out of years of our parenting together.
I realized that I hear moms criticize other moms constantly. It seems like absolutely no mom agrees with any other mom's parenting. This judgement is simultaneously held as a belief that they alone are the only one in the universe that knows how to parent/mother their own child.
Believing the latter should probably actually lead to the opposite: acceptance and tolerance of other parenting/mothering styles, since it assumes that parents hold privileged knowledge of their children that none other could discern. Instead, it seems to continue the train of judgement on everyone else. This follows the post-modernist belief that we each hold our own truth, as long as your truth doesn't come in contact with my truth...
I think it's just another example of woman-to-woman hate. There was an interesting line in the most recent "The Good Wife." The main character poses that it's not really a question of whether men and women can be friends- but whether women can be friends. I have always wondered the same. There are so many unnecessary judgments, gossip fests, assumptions, grudges, and intolerances built up between women, and mothering is the most sensitive topic of them all.
I think that it is wise for all women to keep in mind that for every woman you judge based on her mothering style, you can be sure that others have judged your mothering, as well.
I even hear endless criticism of women, from small comments to entire discussions, who have extremely unique circumstances, such as bouts of serious illness, large and complicated families, mental illness, poverty, or children with special needs. We even hear and see it in the news, daily, regarding famous mothers that we don't even know...We judge single instances caught on tape with extreme superiority, as if our own parenting is perfect and we would never say something cruel to a child or make such a "hideous" mistake.
Mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. But some parents parent the way they do because they have to. We have a right to question the parent who is endangering the life of a child, and many of us have specifically been tasked with reporting such abuses to authorities. Beyond that, taking instances out of context, trusting someone else's word without understanding the parent or home, or coming up with your own layer of assumptions on top of a situation, just continues the cycle of mothers judging mothers.
And sadly, given the habits we have of telling too many people what we think, those judgement very likely make it back around to the judged, causing unnecessary hurt and a wall of distrust.
I don't really consider most of my involvement with my stepkids as parenting any longer, because they're older now and I've severely cut back in my involvement with the kids in general. This is also primarily due to a major change in circumstances that we waited for for many years. I step in when I have to (their dad is unavailable), when my husband has asked me to, or when the kids have asked me to. Overall, my husband does the parenting now, though he often discusses things with me still and his choices are built out of years of our parenting together.
I realized that I hear moms criticize other moms constantly. It seems like absolutely no mom agrees with any other mom's parenting. This judgement is simultaneously held as a belief that they alone are the only one in the universe that knows how to parent/mother their own child.
Believing the latter should probably actually lead to the opposite: acceptance and tolerance of other parenting/mothering styles, since it assumes that parents hold privileged knowledge of their children that none other could discern. Instead, it seems to continue the train of judgement on everyone else. This follows the post-modernist belief that we each hold our own truth, as long as your truth doesn't come in contact with my truth...
I think it's just another example of woman-to-woman hate. There was an interesting line in the most recent "The Good Wife." The main character poses that it's not really a question of whether men and women can be friends- but whether women can be friends. I have always wondered the same. There are so many unnecessary judgments, gossip fests, assumptions, grudges, and intolerances built up between women, and mothering is the most sensitive topic of them all.
I think that it is wise for all women to keep in mind that for every woman you judge based on her mothering style, you can be sure that others have judged your mothering, as well.
I even hear endless criticism of women, from small comments to entire discussions, who have extremely unique circumstances, such as bouts of serious illness, large and complicated families, mental illness, poverty, or children with special needs. We even hear and see it in the news, daily, regarding famous mothers that we don't even know...We judge single instances caught on tape with extreme superiority, as if our own parenting is perfect and we would never say something cruel to a child or make such a "hideous" mistake.
Mistakes. Everyone makes mistakes. But some parents parent the way they do because they have to. We have a right to question the parent who is endangering the life of a child, and many of us have specifically been tasked with reporting such abuses to authorities. Beyond that, taking instances out of context, trusting someone else's word without understanding the parent or home, or coming up with your own layer of assumptions on top of a situation, just continues the cycle of mothers judging mothers.
And sadly, given the habits we have of telling too many people what we think, those judgement very likely make it back around to the judged, causing unnecessary hurt and a wall of distrust.
John 8
New Living Translation (NLT)
8 Jesus returned to the Mount of Olives, 2 but early the next morning he was back again at the Temple. A crowd soon gathered, and he sat down and taught them. 3 As he was speaking, the teachers of religious law and the Pharisees brought a woman who had been caught in the act of adultery. They put her in front of the crowd.
4 “Teacher,” they said to Jesus, “this woman was caught in the act of adultery. 5 The law of Moses says to stone her. What do you say?”
6 They were trying to trap him into saying something they could use against him, but Jesus stooped down and wrote in the dust with his finger. 7 They kept demanding an answer, so he stood up again and said, “All right, but let the one who has never sinned throw the first stone!” 8 Then he stooped down again and wrote in the dust.
9 When the accusers heard this, they slipped away one by one, beginning with the oldest, until only Jesus was left in the middle of the crowd with the woman.
10 Then Jesus stood up again and said to the woman, “Where are your accusers? Didn’t even one of them condemn you?”11 “No, Lord,” she said.And Jesus said, “Neither do I. Go and sin no more.”
Posting
The majority of my blog posts are not specific to the day I write them. They bubble out of thoughts, concepts, and a conglomerate of memories, readings, and stories. If I wrote something depressing, I don't only feel that way on that day or at that time. If I write something about an event, the event may have happened years ago. Upon reflection, most likely while driving my car or in the shower, I decided to share that event (or series of events) with some commentary relating to the framework of a larger topic. I write some draft thoughts down, write some of the blog and finish it later (sometimes much later), or I only write the title. It has even been a year before I revisited an initial post draft.
This is also why sometimes there are 3 posts all in one day. It just...happens.
This is also why sometimes there are 3 posts all in one day. It just...happens.
You Shouldn't Care...
Unhelpful:
Telling someone they "shouldn't care."
I have read a lot of Stepmom articles that if they were boiled down, the article could be summarized as "You just should't care."
Apparently, that is the secret to inner peace. Not caring.
I feel like some of the authors that write to help stepmoms are either no longer stepmoms, in an ideal situation, or lack the turmoil that the rest of us face.
This is in relation to a number of various topics. You should't care about your husband's lack of support of you, your husband's ex harassing or even stalking you, your stepkids hatred of you in the home you equally provide, or the future of your stepkids. Whatever it may be, you just shouldn't care about it. Voila! Problem solved!
Sounds lovely. There would be no need for any stepmothering literature whatsoever if this was an easy-to-accomplish mindset.
I request that anyone who authors anything that will be published step back and review what you're actually asking another stepmom to do. Is it tangible? Did you give clear advice, or generic thoughts? Were there examples that could actually be applied to the vast amount of women, or were they "ideal"? Were you limited by space for a short article and therefore didn't really get into anything of any depth?
We're craving depth, actual solutions, and constructive directions. Please don't disappoint us again.
Telling someone they "shouldn't care."
I have read a lot of Stepmom articles that if they were boiled down, the article could be summarized as "You just should't care."
Apparently, that is the secret to inner peace. Not caring.
I feel like some of the authors that write to help stepmoms are either no longer stepmoms, in an ideal situation, or lack the turmoil that the rest of us face.
This is in relation to a number of various topics. You should't care about your husband's lack of support of you, your husband's ex harassing or even stalking you, your stepkids hatred of you in the home you equally provide, or the future of your stepkids. Whatever it may be, you just shouldn't care about it. Voila! Problem solved!
Sounds lovely. There would be no need for any stepmothering literature whatsoever if this was an easy-to-accomplish mindset.
I request that anyone who authors anything that will be published step back and review what you're actually asking another stepmom to do. Is it tangible? Did you give clear advice, or generic thoughts? Were there examples that could actually be applied to the vast amount of women, or were they "ideal"? Were you limited by space for a short article and therefore didn't really get into anything of any depth?
We're craving depth, actual solutions, and constructive directions. Please don't disappoint us again.
What a Part-time Father Looks Like
He drives to other cities, flies to other states, just to see them.
He spends every last penny on them, whether its dinner out, a souvenir sweatshirt he can't afford, or a "special" trip on the last of his credit.
He travels to softball games in other counties just to talk to them for 2 minutes through a gate. Maybe they'll give him a hug, too.
He calls, texts, posts, and voicemails just hoping for a response or one pick up.
He buys them gifts for holidays he won't even see them on, hoping they'll get his intended message that he thought of them all day.
He goes to endless lengths for birthday and half birthday parties, because he wasn't invited for years.
He puts aside money for them and buys things for them, just in case.
He can't be a parenting, guiding father 75% of the time, so he has to shove all his parenting into a few hours on 2 weekends each month.
He doesn't get sleep, doesn't take a break, doesn't do anything for himself when his kids are finally with him. He exhausts himself catering to their every whim, while also trying to parent them without ruining the entire week, weekend, or night.
He sneaks out of work regularly, risking his job, career, and reputation to pick them up or see them receive a small award.
He begs their mom for more time with the kids, which will either be ignored or ridiculed.
He has to defend himself to his own children, because they "hear" so much or forgot the actual events.
He constantly walks a fine line between invisible father and a man trying to lead a new life- or any life, really.
He continues to go to his children's events despite negative reactions and comments from other parents, and even teachers and coaches, who have been told "vague" negative things about him. He shows up, smiles, and applauds anyways.
He focuses his energy on plans that will be best for his kids' healthy development, activities and trips that will help them see beyond their circumstance and narrow lifestyle.
He puts off work trips (hurting his career), surgeries, and vacations knowing that it could cause him to miss a short, often frustrating visit with his kids. He doesn't apply for better jobs, or even try, because he knows that he can't move if he did get the job.
He knows in his heart that he can't give up, no matter what others tell him or how hatefully his kids treat him. Because if he did, he knows they will hate him that much more.
He spends every last penny on them, whether its dinner out, a souvenir sweatshirt he can't afford, or a "special" trip on the last of his credit.
He travels to softball games in other counties just to talk to them for 2 minutes through a gate. Maybe they'll give him a hug, too.
He calls, texts, posts, and voicemails just hoping for a response or one pick up.
He buys them gifts for holidays he won't even see them on, hoping they'll get his intended message that he thought of them all day.
He goes to endless lengths for birthday and half birthday parties, because he wasn't invited for years.
He puts aside money for them and buys things for them, just in case.
He can't be a parenting, guiding father 75% of the time, so he has to shove all his parenting into a few hours on 2 weekends each month.
He doesn't get sleep, doesn't take a break, doesn't do anything for himself when his kids are finally with him. He exhausts himself catering to their every whim, while also trying to parent them without ruining the entire week, weekend, or night.
He sneaks out of work regularly, risking his job, career, and reputation to pick them up or see them receive a small award.
He begs their mom for more time with the kids, which will either be ignored or ridiculed.
He has to defend himself to his own children, because they "hear" so much or forgot the actual events.
He constantly walks a fine line between invisible father and a man trying to lead a new life- or any life, really.
He continues to go to his children's events despite negative reactions and comments from other parents, and even teachers and coaches, who have been told "vague" negative things about him. He shows up, smiles, and applauds anyways.
He focuses his energy on plans that will be best for his kids' healthy development, activities and trips that will help them see beyond their circumstance and narrow lifestyle.
He puts off work trips (hurting his career), surgeries, and vacations knowing that it could cause him to miss a short, often frustrating visit with his kids. He doesn't apply for better jobs, or even try, because he knows that he can't move if he did get the job.
He knows in his heart that he can't give up, no matter what others tell him or how hatefully his kids treat him. Because if he did, he knows they will hate him that much more.
Thursday, January 31, 2013
The Stepmom Involvement Conundrum
As documented in a number of stepmom books and articles, Stepmoms often take on all of the appointment scheduling and completion of tasks that a mom normally would. This is a phenomenon in itself, but unfortunately realized by most of us. We're honestly not sure why no one else schedules dentist, doctor, and hair appointments...among other things.
In my case, we have a trivial amount of weekly custody, yet schedule and do the majority of the necessary "maintenance", hygiene, and medical appointments. Sometimes they all get pushed to the summer, when we have more time. Other times, we have only every other Friday and the random Monday holidays for scheduling direly late appointments for required things like school-district-mandated shots. We also frequent weekend clinics.
Why doesn't Mom do them? There's a number of theories. Each family has their own. Yet even in cases of a very functional, involved mom, this still is likely to be the case. Reasons vary from busy-ness, work schedules, other kids, their own health issues, lack of insurance (or claim of), "not enough money" (even though there's plenty child support somehow making up for the lack of a dad's presence and involvement), doesn't like insurance-approved doctors, laziness, disapproval of traditional medicines, and "I was going to take them" or "I'm going to take them." (That last one includes elusive or even phantom appointment dates and times, which upon a simple phone calls, verifies that the doctor's office hasn't heard from Mom in months to years.)
Many stepmom sources of advice advise that you don't make the necessary appointments and let the kids and their actual parents deal with the outcome. Don't stress yourself out, and let the parents or kids come to their own conclusion that they failed the kid's hygienic and medical needs.
But many of us are smarter than that. If we do that, then we know that our husband will end up footing the bill for the eventual high amount of recovery and repair work down the line, even if the child is an adult. Because we know Mom won't pay for it, and the adult child probably won't be able to for years (not in this economy anyways- I couldn't for a number of different things that came up in college and beyond), and the court will likely mandate that the father pay for any extraordinary need despite the mom's responsibility to care for the kids in her time with the already-given child support.
So, although I continue to hope that these appointments will magically happen without my involvement, I still make the phone calls, find out about doctor availability, and book them. I've tried a few different strategies, such as:
1) Coerce husband to make it happen.
Outcome? .... Yeah, well, you know. Decline to state.
2) Husband tells (asks nicely) ex to do it, noting how poorly the child is doing or how long overdue the typical, short check-up is.
Outcome? "Of course I'm going to do it. I have it scheduled for [way too long past due]. How dare you insinuate I don't take care of my children."
Success rate? Usually appointments are canceled, so about 15%.
3) Make the appointment on Mom's time. Tell husband to notify her of appointment and let her know she can change it if necessary.
Outcome? That actually can work, with a lot of huffing, puffing and fire. So its not a tactic used very often, though a little amusing.
Success Rate: Only attempted once or twice, but very effective.
4) Make the appointments, take them myself, or make husband take them.
Success Rate?: Works. Totally works every time.
Outcome?: About 40% also receive a huffing and puffing email response of "I was planning to take them." We consider "planning to take them" a year after the due date null and void, and ignore such emails.
5) The strategy I really don't recommend: I asked that some things be included in the last court custody mandate (through my husband). Those suggestions were laughed at, because "Of course Mom will take care of these things."....
Let me know if you have another strategy that works for you! Maybe a carrot approach that includes the child support payment be picked up at the dentist's office, at the time of a pre-arranged appointment? That sounds ingenious!
In my case, we have a trivial amount of weekly custody, yet schedule and do the majority of the necessary "maintenance", hygiene, and medical appointments. Sometimes they all get pushed to the summer, when we have more time. Other times, we have only every other Friday and the random Monday holidays for scheduling direly late appointments for required things like school-district-mandated shots. We also frequent weekend clinics.
Why doesn't Mom do them? There's a number of theories. Each family has their own. Yet even in cases of a very functional, involved mom, this still is likely to be the case. Reasons vary from busy-ness, work schedules, other kids, their own health issues, lack of insurance (or claim of), "not enough money" (even though there's plenty child support somehow making up for the lack of a dad's presence and involvement), doesn't like insurance-approved doctors, laziness, disapproval of traditional medicines, and "I was going to take them" or "I'm going to take them." (That last one includes elusive or even phantom appointment dates and times, which upon a simple phone calls, verifies that the doctor's office hasn't heard from Mom in months to years.)
Many stepmom sources of advice advise that you don't make the necessary appointments and let the kids and their actual parents deal with the outcome. Don't stress yourself out, and let the parents or kids come to their own conclusion that they failed the kid's hygienic and medical needs.
But many of us are smarter than that. If we do that, then we know that our husband will end up footing the bill for the eventual high amount of recovery and repair work down the line, even if the child is an adult. Because we know Mom won't pay for it, and the adult child probably won't be able to for years (not in this economy anyways- I couldn't for a number of different things that came up in college and beyond), and the court will likely mandate that the father pay for any extraordinary need despite the mom's responsibility to care for the kids in her time with the already-given child support.
So, although I continue to hope that these appointments will magically happen without my involvement, I still make the phone calls, find out about doctor availability, and book them. I've tried a few different strategies, such as:
1) Coerce husband to make it happen.
Outcome? .... Yeah, well, you know. Decline to state.
2) Husband tells (asks nicely) ex to do it, noting how poorly the child is doing or how long overdue the typical, short check-up is.
Outcome? "Of course I'm going to do it. I have it scheduled for [way too long past due]. How dare you insinuate I don't take care of my children."
Success rate? Usually appointments are canceled, so about 15%.
3) Make the appointment on Mom's time. Tell husband to notify her of appointment and let her know she can change it if necessary.
Outcome? That actually can work, with a lot of huffing, puffing and fire. So its not a tactic used very often, though a little amusing.
Success Rate: Only attempted once or twice, but very effective.
4) Make the appointments, take them myself, or make husband take them.
Success Rate?: Works. Totally works every time.
Outcome?: About 40% also receive a huffing and puffing email response of "I was planning to take them." We consider "planning to take them" a year after the due date null and void, and ignore such emails.
5) The strategy I really don't recommend: I asked that some things be included in the last court custody mandate (through my husband). Those suggestions were laughed at, because "Of course Mom will take care of these things."....
Let me know if you have another strategy that works for you! Maybe a carrot approach that includes the child support payment be picked up at the dentist's office, at the time of a pre-arranged appointment? That sounds ingenious!
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
A New Stepmom Show on PrimeTime
In case you weren't aware, the new comedy 1600 Penn features a powerful, beautiful stepmom as First Lady. Jenna Elfman pulls it off very well.
I encourage you to watch it. The very first episode, and the subsequent episodes, touch on a number of stepmom topics with an older, young adult daughter. Other situations also arise with the other 3 kids.
It's not a drama, you're not going to get your answers from it, but it is fun to watch. I think as a very large stepmom community, we need to support shows that show Stepmoms in a positive light like this. Encourage others to watch it, so that maybe one tiny notch can be struck in the mythology of the stepmom.
I encourage you to watch it. The very first episode, and the subsequent episodes, touch on a number of stepmom topics with an older, young adult daughter. Other situations also arise with the other 3 kids.
It's not a drama, you're not going to get your answers from it, but it is fun to watch. I think as a very large stepmom community, we need to support shows that show Stepmoms in a positive light like this. Encourage others to watch it, so that maybe one tiny notch can be struck in the mythology of the stepmom.
Always in the Unwanted Spotlight
About half of my blog posts could be titled "Contradictions," or some variation thereof.
The contradiction du jour is that it's not all about me, but still, it keeps being all about me! Stepmoms would prefer less be about us, as a matter of fact.
There's a view from most stepkids, moms of our stepkids, and even in-laws that we think everything is all about us. That we're self-centered, focused on destroying others, and want all the money, our husband's to ourselves, and to forget the kids for eternity. This list could be triple in length, but I'll stop there. Everyone has heard someone describe their stepmom in that way. Dr. Wednesday Martin did research on perceptions of stepmoms and found that nearly all stepmoms are viewed as pure evil, with vindictive motives of the bad characters in horror movies and Grimm (which, are quite similar...). (StepMonster, 2009)
Most of us are not actually that kind of fabled evil stepmom. We're everyday evil stepmoms, where we just function as people, and in response to most things we do as people, are slapped with the evil stepmom label. We fantasize about how easy it would be to become actually evil, and occasionally we think of borderline evil plans, and then we laugh, shake our heads, and silently pray for our family situation to get better. But the reality is, being someone's second mom just makes you the target of all possible hate and anger from so many people.
And that's how in the end, apparently it is all about me. It is the case that somehow nearly everything wrong with my stepdaughter's life has something to do with me. Her parents, the ones with the bad marriage and the choice of partners, can't really be to blame...It's really that the existence of me is to blame for most everything, but particularly bad moods. I must have caused those, and it was probably something I said. Somehow everything I say causes most things. Our house may be completely fine, but if I did something... usually something a stepparent, one who has taken care of her for 7 years would do...I have officially ruined her life for the weekend and possibly months.
In regular families, as many have assured me, teenaged girls can be this way with their own parents. But us stepmoms know that unfortunately, many stepkids have a unique situation where they get to forgive their parents quite quickly and aim that pure hatred at an easier target with less power. That's my case, because she knows that being nasty to her parents will just get her in worse trouble. The worst part is....She's not just an angry teenager. She can simply tell any member of her family her typical teenaged angst against me, and they don't assume she's a teenager (just like they didn't assume she's just a kid when she did the same thing every year before). They actually believe I did or said or was as horrible as she claims. Will an angry teenaged girl also tell the same people and kids about the other good things I did? Nope. So they get only the dirt, and think, "Well of course that poor child is unhappy- Her stepmom is so horrible to her!"
Beyond her, her mom still believes that I am the root of all things wrong. So, years later, I know that there is way too much focus on me, way too much insistence that I cause my husband to do or think the way he does like he's a puppet, and that I somehow cause all these unhappy things. No, no- it's not all me. I know it's not all me. I'm completely confused on why I'm the cause of so many things, but I guess according to the kids' mom...I am the center of all bad things. Aim the spotlight. My husband is just to the right of that spotlight, but not really in it.
And then beyond that, there's their extended family. Throughout the years, even members outside of the stepkid and mom unit reason that all choices, well, the ones they disagree with, must have come from me. I can't tell you how many random things I've heard, later through the grapevine, were attributed to me- which was always a blatant distortion of the facts, completely leaving my husband's free will and parenting out of the story. Sometimes it was because the kids were the source of the information, and other times assumptions were made on top of facts. My poor husband...I seem to control his every movement.
It's very curious, to me, how much I seem to be involved.
I really would prefer to be seen as what I am in everything regarding the kids: Secondary to my husband. I am not the leader, but I am a partner. I support him. My husband, when it involves the kids, is the one who decides and chooses. Things I do and say, as I've written here before, are results of many events prior and decisions and discussions he and I have had together. Unlike my stepdaughter's assessment, it is not "all because of her"- where the "her" is me, in complete disgust.
Well, actually, yes, some things are all because of me. As a matter of fact, we wouldn't visit extended family half as much as we do if it weren't for my financial contributions and family planning. Trips that I dread, but know we must do on behalf of the kids and the family, I make happen. We wouldn't have a home, because my husband could not maintain a mortgage on his own. She wouldn't have so many of the things and furniture she and our family have. We wouldn't have all the pets, we wouldn't have the money to do nearly all of the activities and trips that we do, and she wouldn't have an even bigger family that takes care of her like their own. She wouldn't have had someone that took care of her for years when her dad worked longer hours, further from home.
There's a number of other things, but yeah, that's what I'll take the actual credit for. The rest of it is exaggerated, misunderstood, or not even about me. If it's not all about me, then I'd like everyone else to stop making too many things all about me.
The contradiction du jour is that it's not all about me, but still, it keeps being all about me! Stepmoms would prefer less be about us, as a matter of fact.
There's a view from most stepkids, moms of our stepkids, and even in-laws that we think everything is all about us. That we're self-centered, focused on destroying others, and want all the money, our husband's to ourselves, and to forget the kids for eternity. This list could be triple in length, but I'll stop there. Everyone has heard someone describe their stepmom in that way. Dr. Wednesday Martin did research on perceptions of stepmoms and found that nearly all stepmoms are viewed as pure evil, with vindictive motives of the bad characters in horror movies and Grimm (which, are quite similar...). (StepMonster, 2009)
Most of us are not actually that kind of fabled evil stepmom. We're everyday evil stepmoms, where we just function as people, and in response to most things we do as people, are slapped with the evil stepmom label. We fantasize about how easy it would be to become actually evil, and occasionally we think of borderline evil plans, and then we laugh, shake our heads, and silently pray for our family situation to get better. But the reality is, being someone's second mom just makes you the target of all possible hate and anger from so many people.
And that's how in the end, apparently it is all about me. It is the case that somehow nearly everything wrong with my stepdaughter's life has something to do with me. Her parents, the ones with the bad marriage and the choice of partners, can't really be to blame...It's really that the existence of me is to blame for most everything, but particularly bad moods. I must have caused those, and it was probably something I said. Somehow everything I say causes most things. Our house may be completely fine, but if I did something... usually something a stepparent, one who has taken care of her for 7 years would do...I have officially ruined her life for the weekend and possibly months.
In regular families, as many have assured me, teenaged girls can be this way with their own parents. But us stepmoms know that unfortunately, many stepkids have a unique situation where they get to forgive their parents quite quickly and aim that pure hatred at an easier target with less power. That's my case, because she knows that being nasty to her parents will just get her in worse trouble. The worst part is....She's not just an angry teenager. She can simply tell any member of her family her typical teenaged angst against me, and they don't assume she's a teenager (just like they didn't assume she's just a kid when she did the same thing every year before). They actually believe I did or said or was as horrible as she claims. Will an angry teenaged girl also tell the same people and kids about the other good things I did? Nope. So they get only the dirt, and think, "Well of course that poor child is unhappy- Her stepmom is so horrible to her!"
Beyond her, her mom still believes that I am the root of all things wrong. So, years later, I know that there is way too much focus on me, way too much insistence that I cause my husband to do or think the way he does like he's a puppet, and that I somehow cause all these unhappy things. No, no- it's not all me. I know it's not all me. I'm completely confused on why I'm the cause of so many things, but I guess according to the kids' mom...I am the center of all bad things. Aim the spotlight. My husband is just to the right of that spotlight, but not really in it.
And then beyond that, there's their extended family. Throughout the years, even members outside of the stepkid and mom unit reason that all choices, well, the ones they disagree with, must have come from me. I can't tell you how many random things I've heard, later through the grapevine, were attributed to me- which was always a blatant distortion of the facts, completely leaving my husband's free will and parenting out of the story. Sometimes it was because the kids were the source of the information, and other times assumptions were made on top of facts. My poor husband...I seem to control his every movement.
It's very curious, to me, how much I seem to be involved.
I really would prefer to be seen as what I am in everything regarding the kids: Secondary to my husband. I am not the leader, but I am a partner. I support him. My husband, when it involves the kids, is the one who decides and chooses. Things I do and say, as I've written here before, are results of many events prior and decisions and discussions he and I have had together. Unlike my stepdaughter's assessment, it is not "all because of her"- where the "her" is me, in complete disgust.
Well, actually, yes, some things are all because of me. As a matter of fact, we wouldn't visit extended family half as much as we do if it weren't for my financial contributions and family planning. Trips that I dread, but know we must do on behalf of the kids and the family, I make happen. We wouldn't have a home, because my husband could not maintain a mortgage on his own. She wouldn't have so many of the things and furniture she and our family have. We wouldn't have all the pets, we wouldn't have the money to do nearly all of the activities and trips that we do, and she wouldn't have an even bigger family that takes care of her like their own. She wouldn't have had someone that took care of her for years when her dad worked longer hours, further from home.
There's a number of other things, but yeah, that's what I'll take the actual credit for. The rest of it is exaggerated, misunderstood, or not even about me. If it's not all about me, then I'd like everyone else to stop making too many things all about me.
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