"In my ever present quest in the pursuit of perfecting procrastination (try saying that three times fast) I have found myself trolling blogs and articles about stepmoms. My favorite part about articles and blogs is reading the comments section. Usually there I can find some funny story or a new perspective on life. However after this past week I. Will. Never. Do. It. Again. The amount of hate and mean spirited comments directed at stepmom articles is amazing! You would think we all ride brooms and snatch babies from their cradles!
This month on MomLogic, Stepbomb decided to step down, and I do not blame her one bit. The purpose of her articles was to give her perspective on the strained relationship between her and BM. Everything was anonymous and told from her point of view only, so very little had to do with what her husband did. This woman laid it out there to get different perspectives and show other women who were struggling in similar situations that they were not alone. I did not get a chance to read all of her articles, but the handful I read all contained a few nice and supportive comments, but for every positive comment there were 5 saying she was overstepping, horrible, and her husband was a lazy SOB. What was she doing that was so horrible, so worthy of condemnation that we should shish-kabob her on the web? Um, being a nice, active parent. DAMN YOU STEPBOMB!!!! Terrible, horrible. How dare a stepmom try bonding with her stepdaughters, letting them borrow clothes, and reaching out to the BM in an attempt to do the right thing. By golly, sheer craziness! (that was all sarcasm by the way, Stepbomb seems pretty cool, and I'd like to borrow some of her clothes too.)
So after reading these comments on Stepbomb's articles and elsewhere I am now compiling the stepmom primer, as per the interweb trolls of hades:
1) Kids only have two parents, no more, maybe less, either way you aren't one of them. See, we all have a built in limit on how much love we can receive from parents, and it maxes out at two parents. None of us need more than two parents, in fact having more than two loving parents could cause a child to explode. It is really for the child's own safety that you should treat them with mild interest.
2) Dad should take care of all the child's needs when said child is with you, you are not a parent. Really, this took a load off my mind. I'm planning on getting a mani/pedi while we have the kids Friday, now that I have learned this. You see, the fact that he has kids actually negates the whole theory of marriage and partnership. If they had been both your children, then you would share the burden or joy, but they aren't yours so you can go clubbing while he reads "Goodnight Moon" for the 100th time. This has a few subsections:
a) If the kids are sick, by no means should you take them to the doctor. If DH is not around and you can't get ahold of BM, well Jr. is just gonna have to suck it up and be a man (I don't care if you're only 4, mister!) until you can reach them to confirm that vomiting and fever means he is sick. After all, they aren't your kids, how on earth could you possibly know what it looks like when they are sick?!
b) Do Not Buy Them Clothes. It is better for their psyche to run around naked then it is for you to usurp BM or DH's power to buy clothes. Clothing shopping is a parent-child ritual that has spanned centuries, maybe even since the dawn of man. See, kids can only go shopping a few times in their lifetime or they turn into zombies. I'm sure you've seen the result at your local mall, those teenagers we call Mallrats? Yep, that's the result of stepmoms taking children shopping. You've been warned.
c) Don't feed the kids!!!! They are like gremlins being fed after midnight, except with your food it is always after midnight (maybe I should have used the water on Gizmo analogy here instead, eh you get the point).
3) The children should never call you "mom" or anything other than dad's wife. If the child asks to call you "mom" or slips and calls you "mom" by mistake, you should immediately launch into a speech about what a "mom" is, bow down to an alter you made of BM, and berate the child or daring to use such a sacred term towards a uterus that did not expel him or her. Requirements for mom:
a) To be a mom you must cary a child for 9 months and give birth. You know that story of the crackhead lady who had a baby and sold it for more crack? She's a mom, you are not. (actually, I'm kind of glad about that, I'd rather not be lumped in with her)
b) Alright, adoptive moms are moms because they choose to adopt and love a kid. No there is no parallel between stepmoms and adoptive moms. Stop thinking that. No really, logic will not work. Lalalalalalalalala!!!!!
4) What BM says goes. No really, if she wants you to stand in a corner, ignore her child, and neglect them, that is what you do. Put a lampshade on your head an stand in the corner. How dare you think you have any say in what goes on in your own home. Bah!
5) If you take any interest in the kids, you are trying to be all "Hand That Rocks the Cradle" like and steal the children. Nevermind that movie was about a crazy babysitter trying to break up a loving family and you are the actual wife or partner of DH. No, you are Rebecca Dimorney (really how do I spell that?) and BM is the persecuted wife, played by someone I can't remember. Back off! Don't say "hi", no eye contact, and dear god, little Susie does NOT need YOUR help with her homework! If she needs to learn stuff BM will teach her, it's her kid.
a) Also, parent-teacher conferences are off limits. Supporting the kids is also trying to steal them, you baby nabber you!
6) If you want kids, have them yourself. However they will come second to DH's "first family" and should probably be raised to clean up after your stepkids. Remember they are privileged to be in BM's children's presence and no, your kids are not your stepkids' siblings.
7) If you do not cook, clean, help with homework, kiss boo-boos, buy clothes, play with, and love the kids as your own, you are a wicked stepmom. Have fun reconciling that with Rules 1-6!!!
(All of this is a condensed interpretation by me of random postings seen on the web and is in no way serious, even #7. All situations are different and require different rules.)" - Courtesy of Pseudo Mom