I've found a number of great articles on Shrink4Men.com. As a stepmom and second wife, I've witnessed the aftermath of an abusive marriage. I also see the manipulative emotional abuse of my stepchildren, and daily feel the wrath of a hateful person that was once married to my husband and is angry that he managed to get out of an eternal hell where he was the sacrifice but where she maintained complete control. I strongly encourage men in abusive marriages, dealing with divorce, or dealing with the aftermath of divorce, to read articles on the Shrink4Men site. And stepmoms, you'll enjoy it too as you'll understand your husband a little more, what he went through, and why he may act so weird each time you have an argument. We definitely picked up a LOT of baggage.
http://www.shrink4men.com/2012/02/09/relationship-stages-abusive-women-and-the-wtf-moment-part-two/Shrink4Men: Relationship Stages, Abusive Women, and the WTF Moment
Thursday, February 9, 2012
Thursday, February 2, 2012
"Bad" (aka Biased) Teacher(s): A Memo to Elementary School Teachers of Students with Divorced Parents (That would be all of you)
Oh boy...It's been a while. I have had PLENTY of posts I wanted to write, but without the time to write them properly!
The #1 post I wanted to write:
Teachers. Elementary School Teachers.
Wake up. 21st Century. 2000's. Here we are.
This is your FYI Memo:
If you are contacted by the father of one of your students, it's because that father cares about their child. It's because they're involved. It's because they WANT to know what's going on. You can stop reading if you're a teacher and you totally and completely accept these truths already. If you are skeptical, keep reading.
Just because the parents are divorced, doesn't mean that the father of your student has been beating anyone, not paying child support, ignoring the kids...Whatever. It doesn't mean any of that, no matter what your cultural bias, social perceptions, or previous experience with your own father was like.
Don't treat fathers that don't have as much custody as the mother as a deadbeat, jerk, uninvolved, unloving father. Don't-You-Dare.
Treat him like any other father of your students. Treat him like he's there. Answer his questions. Write back to emails begging for information. Make that separate parent teacher conference because he's actually afraid of what his ex-wife will do or say, and he wants to have a good, solid one-on-one with the teacher without all that extra stress that caused the divorce in the first place. And please drop that "well you should be able to get along if it's for your child" line. No, as a matter of fact, some divorces happen due to abuse (emotional, verbal, and physical abuse...Women are equal aggressors, and female violence is under-reported), extreme anger, and truly extreme differences in opinion and personalities. Putting the parents together can lead to a pretty bad situation for the child, the parents, AND you. If a parent requests a separate parent teacher conference, there's a good reason for it. Just say OK and deal with the extra appointment knowing that at least that parent cares enough to come meet with you anyways. As a matter of fact, since you're not a professional mediator or counselor, you should be grateful if divorced parents ask for separate meetings. It means they're nice enough to save you some undue stress.
You do not know why the father doesn't have as much custody as the mother. You do not know what happened, and you actually cannot trust what the mother has told you because as everyone knows, people are bitter and always blame the other party. What everyone also knows is that father's lose out on custody early on, such as an incorrect (disproved by research) continued belief that younger children can't be without their mothers. Fathers are documented by therapists and mediators as giving up easily in the battles in order to avoid more pain and suffering. Fathers are often the employed party, while mothers are usually the ones that don't work or take part time jobs, which is why you would see them at school more. NOT because "he's so horrible" or whatever you've been fed from the mother (who just happens to have your ear more often) that shouldn't concern you unless the child is in physical danger. You should be an impartial party that is only concerned with the child's education and safety. Allow the parents to have their crap, and don't make it your own. Let the child have a space where both parents are respected and honored, or where all of that home stuff is lost at school. You should have your own personal dramas to deal with instead, right? Maybe some daddy issues of your own, so that you don't put those biases on your student's lives?
Be happy that the father volunteered his time. Don't look at him with suspicion and ask him if he "has any skills." Does the woman who makes photocopies on Friday morning have "photocopy skills"? Is THAT what you're asking? Did she have to attest to woodworking skills in order to get that position? What requirements are there exactly for 1st grade craft time? Would you like resumes next time? Do management skills at his professional job just not relate to child-rearing, and his offer to volunteer with class duties aren't applicable? (Boy, with that logic...any man without whatever those "skills" are must be crap fathers at home...Where do you learn playtime and craft skills, again? Is there a certificate program for fathers?)
If the father asks to see copies of work or test packets or whatever else they ask for, try to make it work. If you're overworked, that's fine. Just put the onus on the child by creating a little list or reminder for them that they need to take photocopies or packets of work to their father on ____ days. If you do have time and a father has been asking for more information and letting you know that NONE of the work or school/class announcements are coming over to his house ever and he just would like to know what's going on, give him a little update by email or phone every now and then. Why not? Ok, so if you don't have time and you love to bitch about how you are super underpaid and overworked and if only California would have more taxes dedicated to K-12 education despite the failing system that puts us at the near bottom of the barrel in our nation (and all of the developed countries, for that matter), then at least treat him with respect when he asks questions or asks to be involved.
That's the minimum you can do. Treat him like any other student's father.
(Side-note: Can you believe that this rant is based off of the observations of only one father's experiences, from only one school, and only two children? Not the compilation of multiple experiences and stories?!? You know what that means? That means this stuff happens to a whole lot of fathers out there, regularly. And most of these experiences were pre-mom-versioning exposure, showing that the bias is ingrained and automatic. Do me and a whole lot of divorced fathers just trying to be involved and informed a favor and PASS ON THIS "Memo".)
The #1 post I wanted to write:
Teachers. Elementary School Teachers.
Wake up. 21st Century. 2000's. Here we are.
This is your FYI Memo:
If you are contacted by the father of one of your students, it's because that father cares about their child. It's because they're involved. It's because they WANT to know what's going on. You can stop reading if you're a teacher and you totally and completely accept these truths already. If you are skeptical, keep reading.
Just because the parents are divorced, doesn't mean that the father of your student has been beating anyone, not paying child support, ignoring the kids...Whatever. It doesn't mean any of that, no matter what your cultural bias, social perceptions, or previous experience with your own father was like.
Don't treat fathers that don't have as much custody as the mother as a deadbeat, jerk, uninvolved, unloving father. Don't-You-Dare.
Treat him like any other father of your students. Treat him like he's there. Answer his questions. Write back to emails begging for information. Make that separate parent teacher conference because he's actually afraid of what his ex-wife will do or say, and he wants to have a good, solid one-on-one with the teacher without all that extra stress that caused the divorce in the first place. And please drop that "well you should be able to get along if it's for your child" line. No, as a matter of fact, some divorces happen due to abuse (emotional, verbal, and physical abuse...Women are equal aggressors, and female violence is under-reported), extreme anger, and truly extreme differences in opinion and personalities. Putting the parents together can lead to a pretty bad situation for the child, the parents, AND you. If a parent requests a separate parent teacher conference, there's a good reason for it. Just say OK and deal with the extra appointment knowing that at least that parent cares enough to come meet with you anyways. As a matter of fact, since you're not a professional mediator or counselor, you should be grateful if divorced parents ask for separate meetings. It means they're nice enough to save you some undue stress.
You do not know why the father doesn't have as much custody as the mother. You do not know what happened, and you actually cannot trust what the mother has told you because as everyone knows, people are bitter and always blame the other party. What everyone also knows is that father's lose out on custody early on, such as an incorrect (disproved by research) continued belief that younger children can't be without their mothers. Fathers are documented by therapists and mediators as giving up easily in the battles in order to avoid more pain and suffering. Fathers are often the employed party, while mothers are usually the ones that don't work or take part time jobs, which is why you would see them at school more. NOT because "he's so horrible" or whatever you've been fed from the mother (who just happens to have your ear more often) that shouldn't concern you unless the child is in physical danger. You should be an impartial party that is only concerned with the child's education and safety. Allow the parents to have their crap, and don't make it your own. Let the child have a space where both parents are respected and honored, or where all of that home stuff is lost at school. You should have your own personal dramas to deal with instead, right? Maybe some daddy issues of your own, so that you don't put those biases on your student's lives?
Be happy that the father volunteered his time. Don't look at him with suspicion and ask him if he "has any skills." Does the woman who makes photocopies on Friday morning have "photocopy skills"? Is THAT what you're asking? Did she have to attest to woodworking skills in order to get that position? What requirements are there exactly for 1st grade craft time? Would you like resumes next time? Do management skills at his professional job just not relate to child-rearing, and his offer to volunteer with class duties aren't applicable? (Boy, with that logic...any man without whatever those "skills" are must be crap fathers at home...Where do you learn playtime and craft skills, again? Is there a certificate program for fathers?)
If the father asks to see copies of work or test packets or whatever else they ask for, try to make it work. If you're overworked, that's fine. Just put the onus on the child by creating a little list or reminder for them that they need to take photocopies or packets of work to their father on ____ days. If you do have time and a father has been asking for more information and letting you know that NONE of the work or school/class announcements are coming over to his house ever and he just would like to know what's going on, give him a little update by email or phone every now and then. Why not? Ok, so if you don't have time and you love to bitch about how you are super underpaid and overworked and if only California would have more taxes dedicated to K-12 education despite the failing system that puts us at the near bottom of the barrel in our nation (and all of the developed countries, for that matter), then at least treat him with respect when he asks questions or asks to be involved.
That's the minimum you can do. Treat him like any other student's father.
(Side-note: Can you believe that this rant is based off of the observations of only one father's experiences, from only one school, and only two children? Not the compilation of multiple experiences and stories?!? You know what that means? That means this stuff happens to a whole lot of fathers out there, regularly. And most of these experiences were pre-mom-versioning exposure, showing that the bias is ingrained and automatic. Do me and a whole lot of divorced fathers just trying to be involved and informed a favor and PASS ON THIS "Memo".)
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Being the Bad Guy
Sometimes, I should be the bad guy.
Warning: I'm about to criticize a very well-known standard of stepmom-to-stepmom advice. All of the stepmom books and sites tell us to not be the "bad guy." That when we try too hard, we're the bad guy. When we are involved, we can end up being the bad guy. That when we let every one (in our home) know that abusing us, your house, or their dad is wrong, that we're the bad guy. Telling a child to mind their manners or clean their plate or their room makes you the bad guy. So the direction from the books and the sites is: back off. Stay away. Get out of it. And that will help you to stop being the bad guy.
There is plenty of credence to that advice. I do understand and agree with most of it. I do try to be less of the bad guy and take myself out of situations as much as I can, or I should say more honestly that "I'm working on it." It is best that you leave the parenting to your husband. It is better if you are able to "detach" and back off or out and do your own thing. It is supposedly better for everyone if you stop being the bad guy. And most of all, this will help you reduce the amount of resentment that characterizes your life as a stepmom.
The expectation is, as I've read in article after article, that when you back off, suddenly everything will fall into place and your husband will parent and handle it all, and the world will be better. I'm being facetious, but that generally is the message from every article and chapters of books on this topic. The literal expectation is that your husband will pick it up and you will find yourself happier. The truth is, for some and not all, that we are unable to back off completely, or even mostly. We are not of the personality type to allow children to completely destroy our home- Oh and by the way, here's the other big element of criticism: We're alone with the children, caring for them, often. Sometimes BY COURT ORDER. Not because our husband made us do it or he's a slacker, but because he has always worked at that time or is in the military or has always traveled. And despite the court mediator knowing each parents' schedule (well, sort of- they apparently don't read or recall much of it, and especially don't make sound recommendations based off of it), a stepparent OFTEN ends up caring for the kids MORE than the actual parents. Which...would mean that backing off, out, and taking up more friendships out of the home may mean child neglect. Or that you, the actual primary caretaker, are not parenting a child who desperately needs it. Sometimes the advice from the stepmom article is something like "let your husband know that you would prefer to not take care of the children as much...." Mkay. So, since he's working when you take care of them, that would mean giving custody back to their mother, who lost that custody for a reason, or would increase child support to her, or would just continue to use it in the mental manipulation warfare.... Well, frankly, it is Not an option for most of us.
We're here. We sacrificed a normal family life for this. And we need to suck it up. Oh, and it does suck. Oh, and we do have the right to parent in our own home, despite the biomom's claims. And, overtime, your skids will learn that their attitudes and behavior won't be tolerated in your home- and they WILL benefit from it. They may hate you right now, but they will benefit from you being the only person in their lives telling them to stop burping (or farting...) incessantly or giving them appropriate medications (..."ewww grape flavoorrrrrrr")...and everything else. You ARE important, and your work DOES matter.
I greatly appreciate the shift in the "detachment" advice, though it is pretty confusing that detachment articles for stepmoms swung from the extreme of completely backing out of the marriage and family when the children are over to simply letting the children know that you expect the most minimal of acknowledgement in return for your "services." I think the latter option isn't actually detachment and is really a pretty common parenting strategy. (See the book "Have a New Kid by Friday" for a modern example.) The former is actually meant for the most desperate of cases, where you have no support from your husband and your stepchild is abusing you intentionally- or your depression over the situation has gotten so bad that you have no other choice but to compartment your home, your brain, and your feelings.
"Detachment" aside, we all have to gain astronomical amounts of maturity when we step into the stepmom shoes, and that can take years. The best of us somehow manage to gain that early on or already have it, but the rest of us face amazingly insane situations and have to deal with it alone. And as the years go, you will develop this maturity and better sense of understanding, especially as the heat from the "other mother", the other household, or your in-laws dies down. But for now...
Sometimes I just have to be the bad guy. I'm going to be "the bad guy." I'm going to be the one that holds my skids to a slightly higher standard. Sometimes I'll try to act like what they just did or what they just said doesn't matter and swallow my tongue. Other times, I will be upset that they treat their very own father like dirt.
And that is precisely where I realized that I choose to be that Bad Guy sometimes. I am perfectly fine with [continuing to] sacrifice [what once was] my fun self, or image, or a "just around" stepmom persona in order to be the bad guy on the behalf of my husband. And this, actually, is by choice. The stepmom advice that tells you to back out in order to stop being the bad guy and to avoid resentment, maybe isn't referring to (or recognizing) situations of an obnoxious number of years of parental alienation against your best friend. Pretty much, that right there is the factor that is missing from so many stepmom advice articles and books- a complete oversight of what so many of us see happening to our husbands, the love of our lives, our soulmate, our partner, and our best friend.
My husband is my absolute best friend in the entire universe. I will be the "bad guy" for him on occasion, which sometimes is more than occasional. I would much prefer to be the bad guy, rather than him, in a number of situations. And when I don't want to be the bad guy? I won't be. I'll let him know I'm not taking this one. But, I have the choice. Sometimes I just plain want him to be the good guy.
Warning: I'm about to criticize a very well-known standard of stepmom-to-stepmom advice. All of the stepmom books and sites tell us to not be the "bad guy." That when we try too hard, we're the bad guy. When we are involved, we can end up being the bad guy. That when we let every one (in our home) know that abusing us, your house, or their dad is wrong, that we're the bad guy. Telling a child to mind their manners or clean their plate or their room makes you the bad guy. So the direction from the books and the sites is: back off. Stay away. Get out of it. And that will help you to stop being the bad guy.
There is plenty of credence to that advice. I do understand and agree with most of it. I do try to be less of the bad guy and take myself out of situations as much as I can, or I should say more honestly that "I'm working on it." It is best that you leave the parenting to your husband. It is better if you are able to "detach" and back off or out and do your own thing. It is supposedly better for everyone if you stop being the bad guy. And most of all, this will help you reduce the amount of resentment that characterizes your life as a stepmom.
The expectation is, as I've read in article after article, that when you back off, suddenly everything will fall into place and your husband will parent and handle it all, and the world will be better. I'm being facetious, but that generally is the message from every article and chapters of books on this topic. The literal expectation is that your husband will pick it up and you will find yourself happier. The truth is, for some and not all, that we are unable to back off completely, or even mostly. We are not of the personality type to allow children to completely destroy our home- Oh and by the way, here's the other big element of criticism: We're alone with the children, caring for them, often. Sometimes BY COURT ORDER. Not because our husband made us do it or he's a slacker, but because he has always worked at that time or is in the military or has always traveled. And despite the court mediator knowing each parents' schedule (well, sort of- they apparently don't read or recall much of it, and especially don't make sound recommendations based off of it), a stepparent OFTEN ends up caring for the kids MORE than the actual parents. Which...would mean that backing off, out, and taking up more friendships out of the home may mean child neglect. Or that you, the actual primary caretaker, are not parenting a child who desperately needs it. Sometimes the advice from the stepmom article is something like "let your husband know that you would prefer to not take care of the children as much...." Mkay. So, since he's working when you take care of them, that would mean giving custody back to their mother, who lost that custody for a reason, or would increase child support to her, or would just continue to use it in the mental manipulation warfare.... Well, frankly, it is Not an option for most of us.
We're here. We sacrificed a normal family life for this. And we need to suck it up. Oh, and it does suck. Oh, and we do have the right to parent in our own home, despite the biomom's claims. And, overtime, your skids will learn that their attitudes and behavior won't be tolerated in your home- and they WILL benefit from it. They may hate you right now, but they will benefit from you being the only person in their lives telling them to stop burping (or farting...) incessantly or giving them appropriate medications (..."ewww grape flavoorrrrrrr")...and everything else. You ARE important, and your work DOES matter.
I greatly appreciate the shift in the "detachment" advice, though it is pretty confusing that detachment articles for stepmoms swung from the extreme of completely backing out of the marriage and family when the children are over to simply letting the children know that you expect the most minimal of acknowledgement in return for your "services." I think the latter option isn't actually detachment and is really a pretty common parenting strategy. (See the book "Have a New Kid by Friday" for a modern example.) The former is actually meant for the most desperate of cases, where you have no support from your husband and your stepchild is abusing you intentionally- or your depression over the situation has gotten so bad that you have no other choice but to compartment your home, your brain, and your feelings.
"Detachment" aside, we all have to gain astronomical amounts of maturity when we step into the stepmom shoes, and that can take years. The best of us somehow manage to gain that early on or already have it, but the rest of us face amazingly insane situations and have to deal with it alone. And as the years go, you will develop this maturity and better sense of understanding, especially as the heat from the "other mother", the other household, or your in-laws dies down. But for now...
Sometimes I just have to be the bad guy. I'm going to be "the bad guy." I'm going to be the one that holds my skids to a slightly higher standard. Sometimes I'll try to act like what they just did or what they just said doesn't matter and swallow my tongue. Other times, I will be upset that they treat their very own father like dirt.
And that is precisely where I realized that I choose to be that Bad Guy sometimes. I am perfectly fine with [continuing to] sacrifice [what once was] my fun self, or image, or a "just around" stepmom persona in order to be the bad guy on the behalf of my husband. And this, actually, is by choice. The stepmom advice that tells you to back out in order to stop being the bad guy and to avoid resentment, maybe isn't referring to (or recognizing) situations of an obnoxious number of years of parental alienation against your best friend. Pretty much, that right there is the factor that is missing from so many stepmom advice articles and books- a complete oversight of what so many of us see happening to our husbands, the love of our lives, our soulmate, our partner, and our best friend.
My husband is my absolute best friend in the entire universe. I will be the "bad guy" for him on occasion, which sometimes is more than occasional. I would much prefer to be the bad guy, rather than him, in a number of situations. And when I don't want to be the bad guy? I won't be. I'll let him know I'm not taking this one. But, I have the choice. Sometimes I just plain want him to be the good guy.
Friday, November 4, 2011
Disturbing
Entering the stepmom world also means you often are exposed to the worst manipulation of children you ever thought possible. That's right- I know it's hard to believe, which is why the family court system is so woefully ignorant. How could it be possible that a mother (or father sometimes) would so horribly manipulate a child, a mere child, against another parent?!? Well us stepmoms know how bad it is, how disgusting it is, and, truly, how it well it works.
The most disturbing of all is possibly this one: Convincing the kids that everything the dad (or other parent, but manipulation/parental alienation is predominantly against men, aka Dads) says is "ridiculous" or "overprotective" or "a guilt trip". Belittling everything their father tries to teach them, direct them in, and put rules on. Mocking anything that the father says is important. Mocking the father's standards or requests that the child do a little more, try a little more, or be the best they can be. And turning all of their father's wishes for them into something negative, a weapon against him, and making the kids believe that every positive attempt he makes to help them is in some way "bad" or "mean."
This very easily turns into kids believing that any time Dad is upset at them for something they did wrong, HE is wrong. Children are easily empowered by this backwards logic, because of course they don't want to be in trouble! None of us ever do! As adults, we're constantly trying to justify our wrong actions towards others as "he deserved it" or "I had to" or "if you just knew how I was feeling at the time"...something like that. But manipulative divorced parents are the best at teaching kids to blame the other parent for everything unfair in their lives, but especially to be mad AT THE DAD for something THEY did terribly wrong.
So a kid lies, significantly, about something that happened at school, with friends, in the home, what they did to their sibling, their homework- you name it. The kid injures their sibling. Destroys a family event. Laughs about it. Sees no wrong in the behavior. It's serious. It's a problem. They hurt someone else. They really screwed up. As any normal parent would see, it's time to sit the kid down, talk to them about what happened, what choice they made, and that there will be some sort of repercussion, like no dessert or movie all the way to going to bed early and other restrictions. But given the manipulation from their Mom, that Dad is always wrong, the kid instead just simply Gets Mad At Dad. They don't feel remorse. They don't say Sorry (in fact usually, it is that they refuse to say sorry). They are just absolutely pissed that dad caught them and is saying it was wrong or dangerous behavior. They are even more mad that dad is actually upset at them and has a repercussion. HOW DARE HE! The logic literally is that the kid did something normally accepted as wrong, hurtful, harmful, destructive, etc., but that the dad has no right, while the child is in HIS custody, to handle it or even be remotely upset by it.
We've been dealing with this for years. They were taught that their dad is not a legitimate parent (he was before the divorce, so why is he not now?) and that he really "shouldn't have" any say in their lives, especially when they're doing something fundamentally WRONG. Despite shared custody and joint legal custody. Despite him constantly making a DAILY effort to be in their lives. Despite all he does for them.
It's shocking to watch, shocking to experience, and shocking to see happen over and over for years. Child or teen lies or does something seriously wrong, Parent points it out and says they're disappointed, Child says "stop guilt tripping me"....? WHAT? (Yeah, we went over what a guilt trip is recently, as a parent finding out that something severely major was kept from him and him getting upset the moment he finds out is NOT a "guilt trip.")
Each year, we're introduced to new words for what their mom is characterizing their dad's parenting as. One year, it was "overprotective". This year, it's "guilt tripping". Another year, it was "strict". Another year was "lecturing." Always a negative and unnecessary word for regular parenting. "Stop beating and hurting your sister" is "strict"? Extremely simple, the bare minimum of safety expectations, turns into "overprotective." (I had to explain to my stepkids that Protective is what ALL parents are. OVERprotective is common, but not simply NORMAL protective parenting instincts. And you know what? Overprotective is generally pretty acceptable parent behavior, too!) "Wear a helmet" is normal. "Call me" is normal. "Tell me where you're going" is NORMAL. "Don't harm someone else"...Normal. "Don't beat your sister up"...NORMAL. "Put away your clothes before you see a friend".....All of this stuff is NORMAL.
But in a manipulative, parental alienation environment, kids are convinced that anything the dad's wishes, requests, and normal parenting are restrictive, excessive, punitive, "horrible", or in our case, "Ridiculous", and overall, hurtful to them. They turn everything into anger against him, forgetting whatever normal things happen with their other parent. That that parent, usually the mom, also punishes them. Also tells them what she does and does not want them to do. Also gets severely, excessively, abusively angry with them... But all of that is considered normal when the kids are significantly manipulated. They focus anger on one, blaming even things that cannot be blamed on the dad on him. Blaming Mom's behavior on Dad. Blaming the divorce on only one parent, rather than two, and then deciding to side with mom in punishing that one parent, despite it being a mutual divorce and the children being well aware that both parents were fighting and neither one wants to be with the other.
I remember how horrible it was when one of my stepdaughters was doing badly in school. My husband and I were constantly encouraging her to do well, to try. To stop hiding that she had more work to do and give up when she felt like just not finishing. When we told her she could do it, that she was capable, she would cry. We were beyond confused because we were saying positive, encouraging things. I come from a family of educators, I have worked with children of many age levels for years, and my husband is probably the most gentle, loving, and strong dad I've ever known. She would come back from her moms and say things that weren't from her own mouth, given her age, claiming that his request for her to work a little harder in school and not give up was "expecting too much" and that his "standards were too high" and that she "didn't know how to please him." It was beyond frustrating. Day after day, week after week, we tried to explain that she was capable and able. That she wasn't just average (as she'd been told repeatedly), but that she CAN try to succeed in schoolwork by turning in assignments and not giving up too easily. But she was just plain convinced that the bare minimum was all that was needed and that her grades reflected that she was just average. She then did her work accordingly, with that low bar constantly being told to her. How can anyone convince their child that they are just average? I thought parents usually have an astronomically unrealistic perspective of their children's intelligence. But what do I know, right? I'm just a stepmom... Maybe it's more common than I thought.
The past two weeks have been significantly tumultuous in our stepfamily. Things were OK, but you never know when everything will get flipped over and suddenly the truth comes to light. When we think that the manipulation and war against us, and their father being a father, has subsided...When we think there is progress and the semblance of normal relationships and a family, that's about usually when we find out we were wrong. My husband and I are thrown back into the swirling, sinking waters trying to figure out what just happened. We're struggling to tell the kids we care, we've cared all along, and we want what's best for them- NOT just want they WANT. We try to help them, lead them, guide them, inform them. We want them to excel, exceed beyond, strive, succeed. We want them to have character, be leaders, and never stop growing.
Family court doesn't look for that. They ask the kids, who are too young to determine their fate, where they want to live. If they could, they'd choose Toys R Us. Instead, they choose the house with the most leniency, the parent that caters to immature desires, and the place where they can get away with the most. And to maintain that, maybe speaking from the lack of self-esteem the parent has as a parent, the manipulative parent has a very easy job of making the parent who tries, just to simply be in their lives and continue to be a father to them, the enemy.
The most disturbing of all is possibly this one: Convincing the kids that everything the dad (or other parent, but manipulation/parental alienation is predominantly against men, aka Dads) says is "ridiculous" or "overprotective" or "a guilt trip". Belittling everything their father tries to teach them, direct them in, and put rules on. Mocking anything that the father says is important. Mocking the father's standards or requests that the child do a little more, try a little more, or be the best they can be. And turning all of their father's wishes for them into something negative, a weapon against him, and making the kids believe that every positive attempt he makes to help them is in some way "bad" or "mean."
This very easily turns into kids believing that any time Dad is upset at them for something they did wrong, HE is wrong. Children are easily empowered by this backwards logic, because of course they don't want to be in trouble! None of us ever do! As adults, we're constantly trying to justify our wrong actions towards others as "he deserved it" or "I had to" or "if you just knew how I was feeling at the time"...something like that. But manipulative divorced parents are the best at teaching kids to blame the other parent for everything unfair in their lives, but especially to be mad AT THE DAD for something THEY did terribly wrong.
So a kid lies, significantly, about something that happened at school, with friends, in the home, what they did to their sibling, their homework- you name it. The kid injures their sibling. Destroys a family event. Laughs about it. Sees no wrong in the behavior. It's serious. It's a problem. They hurt someone else. They really screwed up. As any normal parent would see, it's time to sit the kid down, talk to them about what happened, what choice they made, and that there will be some sort of repercussion, like no dessert or movie all the way to going to bed early and other restrictions. But given the manipulation from their Mom, that Dad is always wrong, the kid instead just simply Gets Mad At Dad. They don't feel remorse. They don't say Sorry (in fact usually, it is that they refuse to say sorry). They are just absolutely pissed that dad caught them and is saying it was wrong or dangerous behavior. They are even more mad that dad is actually upset at them and has a repercussion. HOW DARE HE! The logic literally is that the kid did something normally accepted as wrong, hurtful, harmful, destructive, etc., but that the dad has no right, while the child is in HIS custody, to handle it or even be remotely upset by it.
We've been dealing with this for years. They were taught that their dad is not a legitimate parent (he was before the divorce, so why is he not now?) and that he really "shouldn't have" any say in their lives, especially when they're doing something fundamentally WRONG. Despite shared custody and joint legal custody. Despite him constantly making a DAILY effort to be in their lives. Despite all he does for them.
It's shocking to watch, shocking to experience, and shocking to see happen over and over for years. Child or teen lies or does something seriously wrong, Parent points it out and says they're disappointed, Child says "stop guilt tripping me"....? WHAT? (Yeah, we went over what a guilt trip is recently, as a parent finding out that something severely major was kept from him and him getting upset the moment he finds out is NOT a "guilt trip.")
Each year, we're introduced to new words for what their mom is characterizing their dad's parenting as. One year, it was "overprotective". This year, it's "guilt tripping". Another year, it was "strict". Another year was "lecturing." Always a negative and unnecessary word for regular parenting. "Stop beating and hurting your sister" is "strict"? Extremely simple, the bare minimum of safety expectations, turns into "overprotective." (I had to explain to my stepkids that Protective is what ALL parents are. OVERprotective is common, but not simply NORMAL protective parenting instincts. And you know what? Overprotective is generally pretty acceptable parent behavior, too!) "Wear a helmet" is normal. "Call me" is normal. "Tell me where you're going" is NORMAL. "Don't harm someone else"...Normal. "Don't beat your sister up"...NORMAL. "Put away your clothes before you see a friend".....All of this stuff is NORMAL.
But in a manipulative, parental alienation environment, kids are convinced that anything the dad's wishes, requests, and normal parenting are restrictive, excessive, punitive, "horrible", or in our case, "Ridiculous", and overall, hurtful to them. They turn everything into anger against him, forgetting whatever normal things happen with their other parent. That that parent, usually the mom, also punishes them. Also tells them what she does and does not want them to do. Also gets severely, excessively, abusively angry with them... But all of that is considered normal when the kids are significantly manipulated. They focus anger on one, blaming even things that cannot be blamed on the dad on him. Blaming Mom's behavior on Dad. Blaming the divorce on only one parent, rather than two, and then deciding to side with mom in punishing that one parent, despite it being a mutual divorce and the children being well aware that both parents were fighting and neither one wants to be with the other.
I remember how horrible it was when one of my stepdaughters was doing badly in school. My husband and I were constantly encouraging her to do well, to try. To stop hiding that she had more work to do and give up when she felt like just not finishing. When we told her she could do it, that she was capable, she would cry. We were beyond confused because we were saying positive, encouraging things. I come from a family of educators, I have worked with children of many age levels for years, and my husband is probably the most gentle, loving, and strong dad I've ever known. She would come back from her moms and say things that weren't from her own mouth, given her age, claiming that his request for her to work a little harder in school and not give up was "expecting too much" and that his "standards were too high" and that she "didn't know how to please him." It was beyond frustrating. Day after day, week after week, we tried to explain that she was capable and able. That she wasn't just average (as she'd been told repeatedly), but that she CAN try to succeed in schoolwork by turning in assignments and not giving up too easily. But she was just plain convinced that the bare minimum was all that was needed and that her grades reflected that she was just average. She then did her work accordingly, with that low bar constantly being told to her. How can anyone convince their child that they are just average? I thought parents usually have an astronomically unrealistic perspective of their children's intelligence. But what do I know, right? I'm just a stepmom... Maybe it's more common than I thought.
The past two weeks have been significantly tumultuous in our stepfamily. Things were OK, but you never know when everything will get flipped over and suddenly the truth comes to light. When we think that the manipulation and war against us, and their father being a father, has subsided...When we think there is progress and the semblance of normal relationships and a family, that's about usually when we find out we were wrong. My husband and I are thrown back into the swirling, sinking waters trying to figure out what just happened. We're struggling to tell the kids we care, we've cared all along, and we want what's best for them- NOT just want they WANT. We try to help them, lead them, guide them, inform them. We want them to excel, exceed beyond, strive, succeed. We want them to have character, be leaders, and never stop growing.
Family court doesn't look for that. They ask the kids, who are too young to determine their fate, where they want to live. If they could, they'd choose Toys R Us. Instead, they choose the house with the most leniency, the parent that caters to immature desires, and the place where they can get away with the most. And to maintain that, maybe speaking from the lack of self-esteem the parent has as a parent, the manipulative parent has a very easy job of making the parent who tries, just to simply be in their lives and continue to be a father to them, the enemy.
Thursday, November 3, 2011
You Have the Right to Change Your Mind
Being a stepmom is a fluid process. From my own experience and from what I've read from others, the role changes and shifts as the kids grow and circumstances change. The kids are often different year to year and then stage by life stage.
You, my dear, are also able to change.
This may be something you haven't accepted yet or realized. Pre-marriage, you have an idea of what kind of a stepmom you may be. Some of us had no clue, but we knew generally how we were with the kids and thought it would continue that way. Ha....oh...how painfully wrong. You felt a sting just reading that, didn't you? Then in the first year of marriage, there's a lot of adjusting and reconsidering and maybe repressing...Then the second year is different, the third, and so on. Each year changes as they change, as everyone readjusts, as the kids' lives change, and especially if there are court visits.
One hard thing to accept is that you also are allowed to change your mind. I don't just mean about the marriage- I mean about you, and how you feel. About you, and how you react. About you, and what you want.
Once upon a time, you maybe wanted to see your stepkids more. You told your husband that and you worked towards that. Now they're teens, you're burnt out and resentful about their mom, but you're afraid to tell your husband that, frankly, you have changed your mind. Maybe...it is time to take a break. Maybe you would like them to try out more time at the other house... Maybe, you would actually like to take a weekend off.
I worked too hard. We never had full custody, but I worked too hard for my stepkids. I worked to please them, to please everybody, to be the best I could be. I wanted to, though. I really did, and I was OK with it for a while. At some point, I changed my mind. And it made me feel guilty and angry and all that, like we are known to do as we find out that we either don't have any support or that our stepkids are treating us like crap anyways. You think "but I thought I could do this..." and you start to blame yourself for not being able to keep up or not wanting to be as much of a worker bee (or whatever it was for you).
Forget it. Realize that you have the right to change your mind. You have the right to say, "Hey, I know I used to clean their rooms, but I'm over it. I'm tired of it. I don't want to anymore." Or, "I know that I cook usually and that I like cooking, but can you take them out for dinner sometimes?" Or, whatever it may be, small to large. Feeling guilty about your change of heart or repressing your growing frustrations are just going to hurt you and your marriage. Time to move on.
Ooo, that reminds me of a song. Look up and download Sister Hazel- Change Your Mind. Good song. Think of it as a theme song to this blog post.
You, my dear, are also able to change.
This may be something you haven't accepted yet or realized. Pre-marriage, you have an idea of what kind of a stepmom you may be. Some of us had no clue, but we knew generally how we were with the kids and thought it would continue that way. Ha....oh...how painfully wrong. You felt a sting just reading that, didn't you? Then in the first year of marriage, there's a lot of adjusting and reconsidering and maybe repressing...Then the second year is different, the third, and so on. Each year changes as they change, as everyone readjusts, as the kids' lives change, and especially if there are court visits.
One hard thing to accept is that you also are allowed to change your mind. I don't just mean about the marriage- I mean about you, and how you feel. About you, and how you react. About you, and what you want.
Once upon a time, you maybe wanted to see your stepkids more. You told your husband that and you worked towards that. Now they're teens, you're burnt out and resentful about their mom, but you're afraid to tell your husband that, frankly, you have changed your mind. Maybe...it is time to take a break. Maybe you would like them to try out more time at the other house... Maybe, you would actually like to take a weekend off.
I worked too hard. We never had full custody, but I worked too hard for my stepkids. I worked to please them, to please everybody, to be the best I could be. I wanted to, though. I really did, and I was OK with it for a while. At some point, I changed my mind. And it made me feel guilty and angry and all that, like we are known to do as we find out that we either don't have any support or that our stepkids are treating us like crap anyways. You think "but I thought I could do this..." and you start to blame yourself for not being able to keep up or not wanting to be as much of a worker bee (or whatever it was for you).
Forget it. Realize that you have the right to change your mind. You have the right to say, "Hey, I know I used to clean their rooms, but I'm over it. I'm tired of it. I don't want to anymore." Or, "I know that I cook usually and that I like cooking, but can you take them out for dinner sometimes?" Or, whatever it may be, small to large. Feeling guilty about your change of heart or repressing your growing frustrations are just going to hurt you and your marriage. Time to move on.
Ooo, that reminds me of a song. Look up and download Sister Hazel- Change Your Mind. Good song. Think of it as a theme song to this blog post.
Stepmonster
If you are a stepmom or going to be a stepmom or sort-of-are-already a stepmom, you need to buy Stepmonster by Wednesday Martin pronto. Get your highlighters out. Be prepared to amass a wealth of knowledge.
Here's Wednesday Martin's site: http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/
Here's a link to the book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Stepmonster-Look-Real-Stepmothers-Think/dp/0618758194/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1320364114&sr=8-1
This book is the textbook for Stepmoms. Wednesday is a professor who researched all the topics pertinent to the history and cultural context of the stepmother. She covers every topic from research studies, her own research, and historical perspectives. I'm ashamed that I didn't read it sooner. I put it off because I was tired of all the other Stepmom books, but really this is the one you need to start with. The rest are opinion pieces compared to this.
Here's Wednesday Martin's site: http://www.wednesdaymartin.com/
Here's a link to the book on Amazon: http://www.amazon.com/Stepmonster-Look-Real-Stepmothers-Think/dp/0618758194/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1320364114&sr=8-1
This book is the textbook for Stepmoms. Wednesday is a professor who researched all the topics pertinent to the history and cultural context of the stepmother. She covers every topic from research studies, her own research, and historical perspectives. I'm ashamed that I didn't read it sooner. I put it off because I was tired of all the other Stepmom books, but really this is the one you need to start with. The rest are opinion pieces compared to this.
Thursday, October 27, 2011
A Stepmom Laugh
Sometimes I like to disturb my stepdaughters back.
I say, "Someday, when you're a stepmom..."
Oh the looks I get in return...So classic. The memories of their faces bring me joy.
What's amusing about it is that currently, 50% of marriages are remarriages with children already present. So currently, their chances of being a stepmom one day is already a fair percentage. Let's go with 25% as a guesstimate. Now considering the continued trends in America, that number is likely to go up. So their chances of being a stepmother one day will probably actually increase over time.
Oo, I can't wait. I hope they have stepdaughters one day.
I say, "Someday, when you're a stepmom..."
Oh the looks I get in return...So classic. The memories of their faces bring me joy.
What's amusing about it is that currently, 50% of marriages are remarriages with children already present. So currently, their chances of being a stepmom one day is already a fair percentage. Let's go with 25% as a guesstimate. Now considering the continued trends in America, that number is likely to go up. So their chances of being a stepmother one day will probably actually increase over time.
Oo, I can't wait. I hope they have stepdaughters one day.
Some things are just too low to fathom
I haven't slept in days. Sometimes "bigger" events come up with your stepfamily, specifically the stepchildren, that severely impact your normal, every day functioning. Sleep is difficult, as you can't get to sleep, stay asleep, and wake up in the middle of the night or in the morning. Sounds like a regular parent with a teenager out on the town, but its also a common stepmom experience. Its once again primarily because you can't handle things with your husband when they happen, but have to dwell on what you learned or experienced during the gaps in visits.
Amazingly enough, and even though we have regular, nearly everyday interaction with my stepchildren, no one told us that one of the kids was in a car accident a week ago...or whenever it was because they still won't tell us that either. Yes, we've been seeing them nearly everyday, and yet neither kid told us "oh, she was in an accident." Pretty typical, normal thing to tell your parent when you're a kid... Something you'd usually want to hide when you're a teenager and you or your buddy caused said accident, but not when you're just a kid. That's a pretty major event when you're a kid, and you were in the front seat when the accident happened. Even if you weren't in the front seat witnessing it all, its still a major event that maybe scares you a little or maybe you'd brag about to your friends.
We're pretty disturbed. The few people that are connected to our family and the kids that we told all said the same thing, using the same word: "sick." Yeah, that's how I feel about it, too. Accidents will happen. Pretty damn happy I wasn't the first one to get in an accident with the kids in the car, but we also know for certain that if the tables were turned, their mom would be trying to kill me if I got in an accident with them and then we didn't tell them. There would be nasty emails telling my husband that I should no longer be able to drive the kids. There would be all kinds of fuss, nastiness, and the kids would suddenly be afraid to drive with me, I guarantee it.
Instead, apparently your kid getting in an accident isn't something that needs to be reported to their involved and present father. Just like doctor visits, serious illnesses, overnight stays and trips out of state- all considered normal communication standards for co-parents, and they are usually required communication points in custody agreements. The courts assume that you will communicate with the other parent about parenting (hahaha!), but especially about serious life events or things that could impact their health. But, as many of us know, many parents do not communicate such normal things to the other parent in joint custody agreements. For whatever reason, its deemed information that the other parent, despite being a parent, just doesn't need to know.
The best is when its overtly clear that the other parent has also indirectly or directly convinced the kids that they should not tell the other parent of such events. They can do this by simply stating over and over again that it is not a big deal and "nobody" needs to know. They can instill unnecessary fear in the children's minds by alluding to how much their other parent will be upset if they tell them. And, any number of things. Yeah, sometimes kids are afraid to tell their parents things because they're afraid of getting in trouble, but many alienated, secondary parents can tell the difference between their kids being kids and their kids being manipulated to hide things or lie about serious events.
I wish that the courts, when both parents are equally fit but one parent retained primary custody due to bias or scheduling or whatever, would switch the primary custody just once, maybe for a year. Let them experience what its like to be cut out, not know what's going on in school, not see schoolwork, not take them to games or events, not throw the party, not know about doctor appointments, and, apparently, not know about car accidents.
Amazingly enough, and even though we have regular, nearly everyday interaction with my stepchildren, no one told us that one of the kids was in a car accident a week ago...or whenever it was because they still won't tell us that either. Yes, we've been seeing them nearly everyday, and yet neither kid told us "oh, she was in an accident." Pretty typical, normal thing to tell your parent when you're a kid... Something you'd usually want to hide when you're a teenager and you or your buddy caused said accident, but not when you're just a kid. That's a pretty major event when you're a kid, and you were in the front seat when the accident happened. Even if you weren't in the front seat witnessing it all, its still a major event that maybe scares you a little or maybe you'd brag about to your friends.
We're pretty disturbed. The few people that are connected to our family and the kids that we told all said the same thing, using the same word: "sick." Yeah, that's how I feel about it, too. Accidents will happen. Pretty damn happy I wasn't the first one to get in an accident with the kids in the car, but we also know for certain that if the tables were turned, their mom would be trying to kill me if I got in an accident with them and then we didn't tell them. There would be nasty emails telling my husband that I should no longer be able to drive the kids. There would be all kinds of fuss, nastiness, and the kids would suddenly be afraid to drive with me, I guarantee it.
Instead, apparently your kid getting in an accident isn't something that needs to be reported to their involved and present father. Just like doctor visits, serious illnesses, overnight stays and trips out of state- all considered normal communication standards for co-parents, and they are usually required communication points in custody agreements. The courts assume that you will communicate with the other parent about parenting (hahaha!), but especially about serious life events or things that could impact their health. But, as many of us know, many parents do not communicate such normal things to the other parent in joint custody agreements. For whatever reason, its deemed information that the other parent, despite being a parent, just doesn't need to know.
The best is when its overtly clear that the other parent has also indirectly or directly convinced the kids that they should not tell the other parent of such events. They can do this by simply stating over and over again that it is not a big deal and "nobody" needs to know. They can instill unnecessary fear in the children's minds by alluding to how much their other parent will be upset if they tell them. And, any number of things. Yeah, sometimes kids are afraid to tell their parents things because they're afraid of getting in trouble, but many alienated, secondary parents can tell the difference between their kids being kids and their kids being manipulated to hide things or lie about serious events.
I wish that the courts, when both parents are equally fit but one parent retained primary custody due to bias or scheduling or whatever, would switch the primary custody just once, maybe for a year. Let them experience what its like to be cut out, not know what's going on in school, not see schoolwork, not take them to games or events, not throw the party, not know about doctor appointments, and, apparently, not know about car accidents.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)