If I act perfectly, I will be mistreated, stepped on, and ignored.
If I act like a parent, I will be blamed and hated.
If I act like a fun friend, I will be blamed and mocked.
If I act my age, I will be mocked.
If I look my age, I will make them jealous and nasty.
If I act like an adult, I'm not fun.
If I ask to be respected and not ignored, I am mean.
If I ask to have something cleaned up or completed, I am strict.
If I maintain my own life and interests, I am selfish, self-possessed, self-involved.
If I help them with their homework, my standards are too high.
If I buy them gifts and clothes, I am trying to buy their love.
If I cook them the food they love, I am feeding them unhealthy food.
If I cook them healthy food, they don't eat it.
If I teach them something, I am pushing them too much.
If I try, I'm trying too hard.
If I disagree with them, I am evil.
Thursday, March 15, 2012
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
In the Ideal Stepmom World...
Updated:
What I wish I would have known. What I wish I would have been told. What I wish had been handed to me in a guide, preferably in checklist format. Here are the ideals you should start with or work towards for your stepmom world, especially if it's not too late and you're getting ready for your stepmom life:
You may not be able to accomplish all of the above, but it's what I have realized would have made everything a whole lot smoother for all of us.There already exists a lot of "do's and don'ts" for stepmoms out there. I'm tired of those lists. They are specifically geared towards how to treat and think about your stepkids and their mom and how to change you and your thoughts and emotions. Let's be real and talk about things you can control in your environment that work out better for everyone, rather than your specific behavior and interactions- which are honestly pretty hard to control when everything's unnaturally insane or twisted. Notice that the only "thought" change I suggested was the last bullet point, and I struggled with whether to put that in. I struggle with that one the most! The other options are things you can change about your environment, in the ideal world....
In the ideal world, spend all your money on spa days, yoga classes, a sprawling house with a forest and mountains or the ocean in the backyard, a vacation home, and lastly, a super crazy expensive lawyer that handles absolutely all interactions with your husband's ex.
What I wish I would have known. What I wish I would have been told. What I wish had been handed to me in a guide, preferably in checklist format. Here are the ideals you should start with or work towards for your stepmom world, especially if it's not too late and you're getting ready for your stepmom life:
- If you're going to support your husband's court battles or be involved AT ALL, which by being his wife who loves him often can mean you are involved and can't just ignore the hell in his world, hire the best lawyer possible for your husband (if you're the only one with money after his years of divorce, alimony and custody) or simply help him hire the best lawyer possible by doing research, setting up interviews, and talking to people who know people, and then use up your money to get the best custody orders possible- Right from the start, out of court or in court. Erase the horrible agreement he made with her when he was clueless and trusted her to be a decent human being, which of course didn't happen, and just take care of it right off the bat. If out of court, do a home study immediately so that a professional can give an entire report about how your home and parenting are better than the other home. Find a pro-father out of court mediator, and do your research and call around before agreeing to it. Use your mediator and her mediator if there's a choice disagreement. If you're in a litigious situation, getting a great lawyer up front will save you so much more pain down the line- your husband's pain of either losing his children, dealing with the dumbest agreements a mediator could ever turn into a template that they then pass on to every case, or continued court battles with a jealous idiot + your pain of dealing with it too, as you will factor into the crappy agreement that didn't even factor in the schedules of the actual parents, and watching him in pain for YEARS. Oh, and get an agreement that means that you will deal with her less. Even though you're not there, you can be factored into the agreement somehow. Yeah, it legitimizes you, but down the line you feel trapped.
- Speaking of which, get a copy of their agreement and study it for days. Make a list of questions and warn your boyfriend/husband that you need the time to discuss this. Set up a time so he can prepare himself, as he could get defensive. He was likely steamrolled into this agreement, didn't know that some things would turn out the way they did, and didn't think through every part because the courts and even lawyers, if he even had one, don't give you enough time to review the agreement you're signing before you sign it. Be gentle with him and understanding that he may not have seen the repercussions of what he signed, especially not in light of a remarriage to another woman who may have other plans in mind. BUT you need to know. In a remarriage, this is just as important as looking at the finances up front. You need to know what you're signing up for, what you can expect for holidays, who gets who's insurance, retirement, pension, assets... Their custody agreement becomes your life. He may not think so at the beginning, oh but how you will realize this as time goes on. You need to see it for yourself and not depend on his memory of it, or his occasional moments of information sharing. (He will say he told you everything, but he told you everything he thought was important for you to know. Trust me, there's more that you would be concerned about. And you need to know about it AND understand it.) And honestly, it's possible he missed a few things. Regardless, his contract with his ex is now your life's/family's contract.
- Although you want to help your husband as much as possible and you feel and see his pain on a daily basis, do everything possible to cut yourself out of exchanges and ALL interactions with the children's mother. Just-do-it. Just get out of the mix. First of all, you may be helping, but you will resent it further and further down the line. Second, do you really want to interact with her? Your husband's ex? Really? Do you even want to SEE her? Even if you're doing OK with her now, things can change. It's documented (court statistics) that different events can cause an ex to change their demeanor and turn into a scary monster (events such as you getting pregnant, their remarriage to a guy with money to support her court efforts, your marriage, mental illness, and who knows). Didn't see that coming? Now you do.
- Live in another town. Not the same town. Live in the town next door. Live somewhere where you don't run into her EVERYWHERE. You will end up with the habit of circling parking lots to see if her phantom car is there, or her family member's cars. You will think you see her down the next aisle, but it's really just someone else. You will avoid places she goes, even though you always went there. Just live in another town. A couple of miles won't hurt you. It may be slightly detrimental in court, so come with specific mileage of your distance from the children's schools. (Mothers can try to make it look like you moved "a whole town away!!!" to prove you clearly don't care about the children because you're not sharing the same house or street or neighborhood, and mediators show bias as if the town that's only 5 miles away is in another state. I kid you not, as we experienced this by living in "another county" which was on the border of the town of the kids and just 2 miles beyond where they lived with their mom. So arm your husband with the exact mileage that the next town over is from everything, to bring everything back into perspective. Especially when your distance from their schools is actually CLOSER than their own mother's, even though you're in the next town! Or something similar, like you live in a town with better schools, or you live closer to their future middle school or high school...Anything that erases the argument that you "moved away", which kids are also easily influenced by, as well, since their worlds are so relatively small until they start going to and from your house and realize it's not that far and maybe even closer to cooler stuff...)
- Get a HUGE house. Get the biggest house possible. Can't afford to buy a big house? Then DON'T buy a house! RENT the huge house until they're old enough to move out, or at least one of the kids is old enough to move out, or until you CAN buy the HUGE house. Why? You need your space. They will need their space when they are teenagers, too. But YOU need your space. And, you'll win custody fights purely based on the kids wanting their own rooms. Custody doesn't go to the parent who parents best or even looks good in court- It goes to the parent with the most space who allows them individual rooms or cool toys. Sounds petty? If you don't want to think about the crap that is family law decisions or you haven't encountered the truth yet, then focus on how you need your space. Your stepkids, although cute now (maybe, if they're young and not manipulated yet), will drive you up the wall more and more as you learn of their peculiar, strange "habits" (usually involving dirty socks and underwear...or, a lot worse...). Try as you might, you won't be able to change their peculiar, weird habits and you'll even maybe find that your husband somehow gave those habits to them... So it's best to give them, and you, SPACE. You will need it so badly. In fact, just get a duplex. One for them, one for you. When you can't stand them, retreat. Relax. Watch your favorite movies. Stay away from them, because the more you're angry, the more they don't want to come over and see their dad, which hurts you even more as you see your husband's pain. So, if you give yourself space, and the space to give yourself space, you'll fare so much better and make everyone happier. It's a win-win. Buying tips: If you get the sense that the house is "cozy", don't take it. That means it's WAY too small. If you get the idea that you'll be able to move up later, don't make that foolish mistake- your money will be gone before you know it, due to wonderful things like the economy, taxes, childcare, child expenses, child support, summer camps, a car and insurance for the teenager, college, family vacations, braces, etc. Don't plan on a move up later. You may not be able to until they're out of the house, due to money or custody orders (which can change to God-only-knows what). And don't buy a smaller house because you're concerned about the workload of maintaining it. You just need the space- even in a small house with kids, you'll be amazed at how your house is never clean. At least in a bigger house, your family's messes can be spread out or cut off from your favorite areas, rather than condensed and that much more apparent, often in the shape of piles and layers of grime. You will need your "sane" or clean areas that you will feel an ounce of control over.
- If their mom is involved in their lives, let her be in their activities. Keep your own activities. If she isn't involved, go for it. If she isn't involved in a particular activity, go for it but still be warned that she will cause drama after she sees how you've become involved. You can't escape it, and she'll either spread lies about you to others (oh well, because you were there first) or she'll just stop allowing the kids to go. It will hurt you, so be ready for it. Or, just don't volunteer for things involving your stepkids no matter how much you want to show them that you are capable of things and other people do like you. Volunteer with other people's kids or only your own, unless your stepkid specifically asks you to be involved. I think that's the one exception. Still, be prepared for their mom to not like that at all, and your stepkid to one day hate that activity after their mom's jealousy invaded their brain. And, if you're in my type of wonderfully volatile situation, you may even get their mom suddenly caring about that activity and turning it into some sort of "I can top you" war where she manages to get in your face at every turn! Oh, the joy.
- Get some pets. Right away. Make it a wedding gift. One probably won't be enough. Get some pets that can give you a myriad of excuses for leaving the house or retreating to your bedroom, like a dog that allows you an ongoing excuse for miscellaneous activities like running, hiking, short walks, long walks, dog parks, grooming... And a cat or two for cuddling when you feel left out of the family affection or your husband needs to cuddle the kids and not you. (Get over it. Get a cat. They're super soft.)
- Keep your friends or get back in touch with your friends. You will easily be sucked out of your former life by a new love and his kids. His world is so full of...life (and drama...and baggage...) that it's easy to get lost in it and forget about you, and especially your old life. Then, at some point you'll realize you lost who you were and all your friends. Do your part to keep your friends. They will need you, you will need them. Don't scare them off with too many stories about your new stepmom world, which is easy to do, because they just won't understand. But, you still need them. So keep up the lunch and dinner dates and going out. You need it, and you'll need it later. They will need you when they have kids and other big life events. They're just confused by your current position in life, as they probably have already stated they would never choose this path. Did your marriage take you out of the area and you're no longer around your friends? Try to keep in touch, but if you can't physically meet up with them, then it's time to focus on making new friends. Make the effort. Join some groups, clubs, volunteer for something, etc. It will take time, so the sooner you join and get going, the better. Include your husband, or not. Just get moving on making new friends so that you have people to physically go out with, to meet up for drinks with, and to just get out with. You will need it and long for it. You will want to go do things that your new family won't care about, and it will be a fight to get them to enjoy it even if you talk them into it. But you also need someone that allows you interaction and discussion outside of your twisted world of family and in-laws. Can't make friends beyond the virtual kind? Go to meetup.com. Look for stepmom groups, book clubs, adventure clubs, couples clubs, religious clubs, etc.
- Have a good job with a positive work environment. If you're in a job that makes you feel bad about yourself or makes you more stressed than you should be, get out before you become a stepmom. A bad job makes you that much more unhappy, and that much more unable to handle your new life and all it's insane responsibilities that no one in their right mind would commit to. You'll suddenly have kids, and need to use sick days and vacation days for the kids when your husband is working. You'll suddenly need to leave early to pick them up or come in late to drop them off. When you're in a toxic work environment, people will use that against you or your bosses won't allow you the flexibility you'll need. But most of all, your life will be stressful at home and at work, and you'll find yourself drowning. You need to make one of your primary environments less stressful as you navigate your new life and role and family. Getting a new job may not sound easy, but it's necessary if you're going to take on the Stepmom title.
- And the most common recommendation already out there: Get some hobbies. Keep yourself busy. Maintain a partially separate life where your stepkids and your husband's ex don't permeate the experience. Do some hobbies that make you feel accomplished and give you self-worth. You will need that as a balance to the way that stepkids and an angry mom can make you feel or kill all your hopes of things being easy or normal. It may seem like you're doing well as a volunteer for their school or their activities, but you may at one point feel like there's no escape to the bizarre world you're stuck in. If you have external activities, you will have more balance and perspective.
- Never, ever think that spending your money on your stepkids will change their actions, behaviors, and attitudes to and about you. It won't make a damn difference. They cannot connect money spent on them (that you earned and chose to spend on them) to care. Regular parents deal with this, there are tons of articles out there about how middle class kids (and beyond) have a sense of entitlement, and you'll have even less impact than a regular parent even if you buy them everything they've ever wanted and cook them their favorite, unhealthy meal on a daily basis. It won't matter. Their mom's opinion, and her family's, is what matters. You can go ahead and spend your money on those tickets or those clothes, but they won't remember that you did it for them or gave those things to them. You have to accept that, or not spend the money. You can focus on how you exposed them to culture and special events or helped shape their life into what it will become, but you can never expect them to connect your money and effort spent to a positive connection with you. And if you try to make them see the connection between care and time and earned-money spent, you'll find out that it is simply what they expect since you are their caretaker. It doesn't make you any more valuable, and could even be turned into "she tries to buy my affection." (Still, you CAN make them say thank you. You're never wrong for asking for manners and gratitude, just like any normal parent would. I'm not talking about house rules and repercussions for snotty behavior. Just your expectations.)
You may not be able to accomplish all of the above, but it's what I have realized would have made everything a whole lot smoother for all of us.There already exists a lot of "do's and don'ts" for stepmoms out there. I'm tired of those lists. They are specifically geared towards how to treat and think about your stepkids and their mom and how to change you and your thoughts and emotions. Let's be real and talk about things you can control in your environment that work out better for everyone, rather than your specific behavior and interactions- which are honestly pretty hard to control when everything's unnaturally insane or twisted. Notice that the only "thought" change I suggested was the last bullet point, and I struggled with whether to put that in. I struggle with that one the most! The other options are things you can change about your environment, in the ideal world....
In the ideal world, spend all your money on spa days, yoga classes, a sprawling house with a forest and mountains or the ocean in the backyard, a vacation home, and lastly, a super crazy expensive lawyer that handles absolutely all interactions with your husband's ex.
Thursday, February 23, 2012
A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation
A book I just found out about, that comes highly recommended:
A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation by Michael Jeffries with Dr. Joel Davies
Find it on Amazon Buy it for your friends who are just realizing what's happening to them. Buy it and send it to your local courthouse.
A Family's Heartbreak: A Parent's Introduction to Parental Alienation by Michael Jeffries with Dr. Joel Davies
Find it on Amazon Buy it for your friends who are just realizing what's happening to them. Buy it and send it to your local courthouse.
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Injustice
My husband is being a served a major injustice of our legal system. Thanks to one person, who is a mediator in a small court (and the system that keeps her employed). That person doesn't know him, or anyone in this split, double family. But she did absolutely know that he has never been in trouble, has never hurt his children, and works with law enforcement on a daily basis. She knew that a judge and the prior mediator characterized him as a good parent. She did know that my husband's children's primary caretaker, his ex's boyfriend and later husband, was eventually cut off from his own children by a larger, nearby court, after years of aggressive legal proceedings and jail time. Despite the facts, my husband has been cut out of his children's school days, and a number of other moments of his children's lives, without cause. Like he's the one who upset the court, hurt his kids, recieved jailtime for the abuse. But no, that was the person taking care of my husband's daughters every single day (minus 2 weekends a month). That person was seen as unfit to see his own two children without court supervision. My husband's ex had lies and complaints, but none of it warranting an even greater cut to a decent father's time with his kids. In any other type of court, much more would have been required. But family law court is known in the justice system as a place where "innocent until proven guilty" has no bearing.
Please support parental rights, family rights, and children's rights by supporting custody reform in your state. For more, please go to http://www.acfc.org/
Please support parental rights, family rights, and children's rights by supporting custody reform in your state. For more, please go to http://www.acfc.org/
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Compartmentalizing
The honest truth is that one of my stepdaughters is just a girl, normal and all. She has moods, she has likes and dislikes, she sometimes tries to get out of trouble by lying or hiding something. But she reminds me of... a kid. She's just a kid.
My other stepdaughter reminds me of her mom. She embodies traits that I have always strongly disliked in others, that I then purposely avoid. She acts like one person sometimes, and other times you see the real her. She's one of those friends that you eventually decide to stay away from because you just can't trust them, and you're not sure who they really are.
My husband loves her to the end of the world, but he knows why I have major trust issues with her and why it's so hard for me to get past them. He respects that I don't share the same love and affection for her, based on her actions, attitudes, and choices over the years. He understands that I have been severely wounded by her actions and words, and that he shares many of those wounds. His heart for her is from her birth, though, and his love will be that of an unconditionally loving parent. It is absolutely different, though he does understand.
It's very hard to let hurtful individuals into your home. I'm sure all of you have experienced something where you weren't even sure about or comfortable with inviting one of your own family members into your home. If you haven't experienced that, you know plenty of people who have. Although you may care for a family member, you may not be in touch with them because of certain reasons. Or, maybe you haven't even talked to a certain family member in years or decades because of something that happened or because you are just different people. Or, you have a friend or family for which this is the case, if you yourself do not have this situation in your life.
When you have a personal problem with or a number of differences between you and another family member, usually you don't have to see them for a certain period of time. You can avoid until the next holiday. Let time heal. Let the anger subside or wait for an apology or your own forgiveness to set in. Or, simply deal with them for a couple of holidays a year. Or, if they live far away, send them the occasional card. Make the occasional call. It doesn't mean they have to come to your house every week.
My stepdaughters are my family. This much is true. I do not love them like my own children, but they are the closest to my own children that I may ever have. Who knows. It doesn't matter. They are my husband's children. And I love him more than anything in the entire universe, and by default I care for them more than any other child. When they hurt him, I am hurt by his hurt. When they are all 3 laughing together, I am feel so much joy to hear it. When they succeed, it makes me proud, but it makes my husband so much more proud, and that gives me joy. I want them to love him, I want him to see them, and I want them to be together. It's what I want, even if I technically don't want them, really.
When I am upset with my stepdaughters, usually due to ongoing, dragged out, life-suffocating drama of some sort where my husband and I are both severely concerned about their well-being and future, they will come over regularly. Not everyday, but nearly every other day. I don't get cool off time, like I do with the rest of my immediate family. Like my spouse, they will be in my house. I can't avoid them or let things settle down. And... I can't move away. They can't either. We all stay in this stew of mismatch.
I've found that although I don't unconditionally love them like their blood family members do, I can compartmentalize. Not always...I wish I could more and at all times. This is related to one segment of detachment concepts. Although I'd prefer to not hang out with someone as much as I do, I have to. I do my best to get along with them, or just co-exist, despite the anger and distance I feel inside over the latest set of lies, negligence, and disgraces. For the most part, I compartmentalize my real feelings. I'm not that comfortable with it, I've never been good at hiding my feelings, but I do it as much as I can. Some of their visits are short, so I just have to get through the time and keep myself distracted and busy. Still, I continue to take care of them like they are children in my home, like I am the mom of the house with all the jobs I've taken on for our family, and I function as an adult leader and guardian to them, whether I like them that day or not. I cook for them, help them, answer questions, participate in discussions and activities, buy them things they need. I function as their caretaker, and definitely as their mom when they're here, and I can't just quit, I don't turn into an evil stepmonster. I act like a regular mom...Though sometimes I hide or go on a whole lot of unnecessary errands.
The only time I completely lose ability to segregate my feelings with my actions is when they are rude and hurtful to their father and my husband, who is also my hero and best friend and heart. Which is, unfortunately, very often. I often can't believe what I'm hearing and seeing from his very own children, and any mom or wife would tell their children to not treat their father in that way. I'm sure he wishes I would defend him less, but I'm the only person who does. He's never had an advocate before, which is sad since he should have at least had that in his first marriage.
It's a known theme of life for a stepmom to do a lot and be unappreciated, and although frustrating, it is also numbing and fits expectations. When they treat their dad in the same way, that infuriates me because he does love them without end. He is amazing, a wonderful father, but they have a mother who hates him and disrespected him for their entire lives. She is the center of their small worlds, and this rubs off on her children. They have "mom-glasses" if you will, and when they come off, they are normal kids who love their dad and act normal again. The nasty attitudes, distanced behavior, lies, hiding, shields, and defensiveness wear off, and sometimes very quickly these days. But with short visits, there's a lesser chance of the glasses coming off. (Dr. Richard Warshak explains how this happens in his books and articles, if you're interested or if you still believe children couldn't possibly be turned against their own parent without cause.)
It's a very odd situation to have a home you run, where someone that you don't care for constantly comes over. Maybe some of you have this with a mother-in-law or your husband's ex, and it's time to enforce some boundaries. But I have no choice, and I do not have the right to ask her to leave (well, unless she did something truly exceptional). As a matter of fact, I wish she came over more. Isn't that funny? Although I wish we weren't "related" to this personal of a degree, I also know she would benefit from more time with her dad and vice versa. And we actually all work better together and are more of a family when we're together more. (The kids realize you and your husband are the authority, albeit temporary, and become more accepting of your home and rules when they know they're not reporting it all to their mother in less than an hour.) Another contradictory oddity of a stepfamily- Things can actually be less stressful and more smooth if you're together more. My goal is to help my husband and love him. Which means wanting my stepkids, caring for them as if they were my own as much as I can or am willing to, even if I also technically don't want them at the same time.
My other stepdaughter reminds me of her mom. She embodies traits that I have always strongly disliked in others, that I then purposely avoid. She acts like one person sometimes, and other times you see the real her. She's one of those friends that you eventually decide to stay away from because you just can't trust them, and you're not sure who they really are.
My husband loves her to the end of the world, but he knows why I have major trust issues with her and why it's so hard for me to get past them. He respects that I don't share the same love and affection for her, based on her actions, attitudes, and choices over the years. He understands that I have been severely wounded by her actions and words, and that he shares many of those wounds. His heart for her is from her birth, though, and his love will be that of an unconditionally loving parent. It is absolutely different, though he does understand.
It's very hard to let hurtful individuals into your home. I'm sure all of you have experienced something where you weren't even sure about or comfortable with inviting one of your own family members into your home. If you haven't experienced that, you know plenty of people who have. Although you may care for a family member, you may not be in touch with them because of certain reasons. Or, maybe you haven't even talked to a certain family member in years or decades because of something that happened or because you are just different people. Or, you have a friend or family for which this is the case, if you yourself do not have this situation in your life.
When you have a personal problem with or a number of differences between you and another family member, usually you don't have to see them for a certain period of time. You can avoid until the next holiday. Let time heal. Let the anger subside or wait for an apology or your own forgiveness to set in. Or, simply deal with them for a couple of holidays a year. Or, if they live far away, send them the occasional card. Make the occasional call. It doesn't mean they have to come to your house every week.
My stepdaughters are my family. This much is true. I do not love them like my own children, but they are the closest to my own children that I may ever have. Who knows. It doesn't matter. They are my husband's children. And I love him more than anything in the entire universe, and by default I care for them more than any other child. When they hurt him, I am hurt by his hurt. When they are all 3 laughing together, I am feel so much joy to hear it. When they succeed, it makes me proud, but it makes my husband so much more proud, and that gives me joy. I want them to love him, I want him to see them, and I want them to be together. It's what I want, even if I technically don't want them, really.
When I am upset with my stepdaughters, usually due to ongoing, dragged out, life-suffocating drama of some sort where my husband and I are both severely concerned about their well-being and future, they will come over regularly. Not everyday, but nearly every other day. I don't get cool off time, like I do with the rest of my immediate family. Like my spouse, they will be in my house. I can't avoid them or let things settle down. And... I can't move away. They can't either. We all stay in this stew of mismatch.
I've found that although I don't unconditionally love them like their blood family members do, I can compartmentalize. Not always...I wish I could more and at all times. This is related to one segment of detachment concepts. Although I'd prefer to not hang out with someone as much as I do, I have to. I do my best to get along with them, or just co-exist, despite the anger and distance I feel inside over the latest set of lies, negligence, and disgraces. For the most part, I compartmentalize my real feelings. I'm not that comfortable with it, I've never been good at hiding my feelings, but I do it as much as I can. Some of their visits are short, so I just have to get through the time and keep myself distracted and busy. Still, I continue to take care of them like they are children in my home, like I am the mom of the house with all the jobs I've taken on for our family, and I function as an adult leader and guardian to them, whether I like them that day or not. I cook for them, help them, answer questions, participate in discussions and activities, buy them things they need. I function as their caretaker, and definitely as their mom when they're here, and I can't just quit, I don't turn into an evil stepmonster. I act like a regular mom...Though sometimes I hide or go on a whole lot of unnecessary errands.
The only time I completely lose ability to segregate my feelings with my actions is when they are rude and hurtful to their father and my husband, who is also my hero and best friend and heart. Which is, unfortunately, very often. I often can't believe what I'm hearing and seeing from his very own children, and any mom or wife would tell their children to not treat their father in that way. I'm sure he wishes I would defend him less, but I'm the only person who does. He's never had an advocate before, which is sad since he should have at least had that in his first marriage.
It's a known theme of life for a stepmom to do a lot and be unappreciated, and although frustrating, it is also numbing and fits expectations. When they treat their dad in the same way, that infuriates me because he does love them without end. He is amazing, a wonderful father, but they have a mother who hates him and disrespected him for their entire lives. She is the center of their small worlds, and this rubs off on her children. They have "mom-glasses" if you will, and when they come off, they are normal kids who love their dad and act normal again. The nasty attitudes, distanced behavior, lies, hiding, shields, and defensiveness wear off, and sometimes very quickly these days. But with short visits, there's a lesser chance of the glasses coming off. (Dr. Richard Warshak explains how this happens in his books and articles, if you're interested or if you still believe children couldn't possibly be turned against their own parent without cause.)
It's a very odd situation to have a home you run, where someone that you don't care for constantly comes over. Maybe some of you have this with a mother-in-law or your husband's ex, and it's time to enforce some boundaries. But I have no choice, and I do not have the right to ask her to leave (well, unless she did something truly exceptional). As a matter of fact, I wish she came over more. Isn't that funny? Although I wish we weren't "related" to this personal of a degree, I also know she would benefit from more time with her dad and vice versa. And we actually all work better together and are more of a family when we're together more. (The kids realize you and your husband are the authority, albeit temporary, and become more accepting of your home and rules when they know they're not reporting it all to their mother in less than an hour.) Another contradictory oddity of a stepfamily- Things can actually be less stressful and more smooth if you're together more. My goal is to help my husband and love him. Which means wanting my stepkids, caring for them as if they were my own as much as I can or am willing to, even if I also technically don't want them at the same time.
Thursday, February 9, 2012
The WTF Moment from Shrink4Men
I've found a number of great articles on Shrink4Men.com. As a stepmom and second wife, I've witnessed the aftermath of an abusive marriage. I also see the manipulative emotional abuse of my stepchildren, and daily feel the wrath of a hateful person that was once married to my husband and is angry that he managed to get out of an eternal hell where he was the sacrifice but where she maintained complete control. I strongly encourage men in abusive marriages, dealing with divorce, or dealing with the aftermath of divorce, to read articles on the Shrink4Men site. And stepmoms, you'll enjoy it too as you'll understand your husband a little more, what he went through, and why he may act so weird each time you have an argument. We definitely picked up a LOT of baggage.
http://www.shrink4men.com/2012/02/09/relationship-stages-abusive-women-and-the-wtf-moment-part-two/Shrink4Men: Relationship Stages, Abusive Women, and the WTF Moment
http://www.shrink4men.com/2012/02/09/relationship-stages-abusive-women-and-the-wtf-moment-part-two/Shrink4Men: Relationship Stages, Abusive Women, and the WTF Moment
Thursday, February 2, 2012
"Bad" (aka Biased) Teacher(s): A Memo to Elementary School Teachers of Students with Divorced Parents (That would be all of you)
Oh boy...It's been a while. I have had PLENTY of posts I wanted to write, but without the time to write them properly!
The #1 post I wanted to write:
Teachers. Elementary School Teachers.
Wake up. 21st Century. 2000's. Here we are.
This is your FYI Memo:
If you are contacted by the father of one of your students, it's because that father cares about their child. It's because they're involved. It's because they WANT to know what's going on. You can stop reading if you're a teacher and you totally and completely accept these truths already. If you are skeptical, keep reading.
Just because the parents are divorced, doesn't mean that the father of your student has been beating anyone, not paying child support, ignoring the kids...Whatever. It doesn't mean any of that, no matter what your cultural bias, social perceptions, or previous experience with your own father was like.
Don't treat fathers that don't have as much custody as the mother as a deadbeat, jerk, uninvolved, unloving father. Don't-You-Dare.
Treat him like any other father of your students. Treat him like he's there. Answer his questions. Write back to emails begging for information. Make that separate parent teacher conference because he's actually afraid of what his ex-wife will do or say, and he wants to have a good, solid one-on-one with the teacher without all that extra stress that caused the divorce in the first place. And please drop that "well you should be able to get along if it's for your child" line. No, as a matter of fact, some divorces happen due to abuse (emotional, verbal, and physical abuse...Women are equal aggressors, and female violence is under-reported), extreme anger, and truly extreme differences in opinion and personalities. Putting the parents together can lead to a pretty bad situation for the child, the parents, AND you. If a parent requests a separate parent teacher conference, there's a good reason for it. Just say OK and deal with the extra appointment knowing that at least that parent cares enough to come meet with you anyways. As a matter of fact, since you're not a professional mediator or counselor, you should be grateful if divorced parents ask for separate meetings. It means they're nice enough to save you some undue stress.
You do not know why the father doesn't have as much custody as the mother. You do not know what happened, and you actually cannot trust what the mother has told you because as everyone knows, people are bitter and always blame the other party. What everyone also knows is that father's lose out on custody early on, such as an incorrect (disproved by research) continued belief that younger children can't be without their mothers. Fathers are documented by therapists and mediators as giving up easily in the battles in order to avoid more pain and suffering. Fathers are often the employed party, while mothers are usually the ones that don't work or take part time jobs, which is why you would see them at school more. NOT because "he's so horrible" or whatever you've been fed from the mother (who just happens to have your ear more often) that shouldn't concern you unless the child is in physical danger. You should be an impartial party that is only concerned with the child's education and safety. Allow the parents to have their crap, and don't make it your own. Let the child have a space where both parents are respected and honored, or where all of that home stuff is lost at school. You should have your own personal dramas to deal with instead, right? Maybe some daddy issues of your own, so that you don't put those biases on your student's lives?
Be happy that the father volunteered his time. Don't look at him with suspicion and ask him if he "has any skills." Does the woman who makes photocopies on Friday morning have "photocopy skills"? Is THAT what you're asking? Did she have to attest to woodworking skills in order to get that position? What requirements are there exactly for 1st grade craft time? Would you like resumes next time? Do management skills at his professional job just not relate to child-rearing, and his offer to volunteer with class duties aren't applicable? (Boy, with that logic...any man without whatever those "skills" are must be crap fathers at home...Where do you learn playtime and craft skills, again? Is there a certificate program for fathers?)
If the father asks to see copies of work or test packets or whatever else they ask for, try to make it work. If you're overworked, that's fine. Just put the onus on the child by creating a little list or reminder for them that they need to take photocopies or packets of work to their father on ____ days. If you do have time and a father has been asking for more information and letting you know that NONE of the work or school/class announcements are coming over to his house ever and he just would like to know what's going on, give him a little update by email or phone every now and then. Why not? Ok, so if you don't have time and you love to bitch about how you are super underpaid and overworked and if only California would have more taxes dedicated to K-12 education despite the failing system that puts us at the near bottom of the barrel in our nation (and all of the developed countries, for that matter), then at least treat him with respect when he asks questions or asks to be involved.
That's the minimum you can do. Treat him like any other student's father.
(Side-note: Can you believe that this rant is based off of the observations of only one father's experiences, from only one school, and only two children? Not the compilation of multiple experiences and stories?!? You know what that means? That means this stuff happens to a whole lot of fathers out there, regularly. And most of these experiences were pre-mom-versioning exposure, showing that the bias is ingrained and automatic. Do me and a whole lot of divorced fathers just trying to be involved and informed a favor and PASS ON THIS "Memo".)
The #1 post I wanted to write:
Teachers. Elementary School Teachers.
Wake up. 21st Century. 2000's. Here we are.
This is your FYI Memo:
If you are contacted by the father of one of your students, it's because that father cares about their child. It's because they're involved. It's because they WANT to know what's going on. You can stop reading if you're a teacher and you totally and completely accept these truths already. If you are skeptical, keep reading.
Just because the parents are divorced, doesn't mean that the father of your student has been beating anyone, not paying child support, ignoring the kids...Whatever. It doesn't mean any of that, no matter what your cultural bias, social perceptions, or previous experience with your own father was like.
Don't treat fathers that don't have as much custody as the mother as a deadbeat, jerk, uninvolved, unloving father. Don't-You-Dare.
Treat him like any other father of your students. Treat him like he's there. Answer his questions. Write back to emails begging for information. Make that separate parent teacher conference because he's actually afraid of what his ex-wife will do or say, and he wants to have a good, solid one-on-one with the teacher without all that extra stress that caused the divorce in the first place. And please drop that "well you should be able to get along if it's for your child" line. No, as a matter of fact, some divorces happen due to abuse (emotional, verbal, and physical abuse...Women are equal aggressors, and female violence is under-reported), extreme anger, and truly extreme differences in opinion and personalities. Putting the parents together can lead to a pretty bad situation for the child, the parents, AND you. If a parent requests a separate parent teacher conference, there's a good reason for it. Just say OK and deal with the extra appointment knowing that at least that parent cares enough to come meet with you anyways. As a matter of fact, since you're not a professional mediator or counselor, you should be grateful if divorced parents ask for separate meetings. It means they're nice enough to save you some undue stress.
You do not know why the father doesn't have as much custody as the mother. You do not know what happened, and you actually cannot trust what the mother has told you because as everyone knows, people are bitter and always blame the other party. What everyone also knows is that father's lose out on custody early on, such as an incorrect (disproved by research) continued belief that younger children can't be without their mothers. Fathers are documented by therapists and mediators as giving up easily in the battles in order to avoid more pain and suffering. Fathers are often the employed party, while mothers are usually the ones that don't work or take part time jobs, which is why you would see them at school more. NOT because "he's so horrible" or whatever you've been fed from the mother (who just happens to have your ear more often) that shouldn't concern you unless the child is in physical danger. You should be an impartial party that is only concerned with the child's education and safety. Allow the parents to have their crap, and don't make it your own. Let the child have a space where both parents are respected and honored, or where all of that home stuff is lost at school. You should have your own personal dramas to deal with instead, right? Maybe some daddy issues of your own, so that you don't put those biases on your student's lives?
Be happy that the father volunteered his time. Don't look at him with suspicion and ask him if he "has any skills." Does the woman who makes photocopies on Friday morning have "photocopy skills"? Is THAT what you're asking? Did she have to attest to woodworking skills in order to get that position? What requirements are there exactly for 1st grade craft time? Would you like resumes next time? Do management skills at his professional job just not relate to child-rearing, and his offer to volunteer with class duties aren't applicable? (Boy, with that logic...any man without whatever those "skills" are must be crap fathers at home...Where do you learn playtime and craft skills, again? Is there a certificate program for fathers?)
If the father asks to see copies of work or test packets or whatever else they ask for, try to make it work. If you're overworked, that's fine. Just put the onus on the child by creating a little list or reminder for them that they need to take photocopies or packets of work to their father on ____ days. If you do have time and a father has been asking for more information and letting you know that NONE of the work or school/class announcements are coming over to his house ever and he just would like to know what's going on, give him a little update by email or phone every now and then. Why not? Ok, so if you don't have time and you love to bitch about how you are super underpaid and overworked and if only California would have more taxes dedicated to K-12 education despite the failing system that puts us at the near bottom of the barrel in our nation (and all of the developed countries, for that matter), then at least treat him with respect when he asks questions or asks to be involved.
That's the minimum you can do. Treat him like any other student's father.
(Side-note: Can you believe that this rant is based off of the observations of only one father's experiences, from only one school, and only two children? Not the compilation of multiple experiences and stories?!? You know what that means? That means this stuff happens to a whole lot of fathers out there, regularly. And most of these experiences were pre-mom-versioning exposure, showing that the bias is ingrained and automatic. Do me and a whole lot of divorced fathers just trying to be involved and informed a favor and PASS ON THIS "Memo".)
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Being the Bad Guy
Sometimes, I should be the bad guy.
Warning: I'm about to criticize a very well-known standard of stepmom-to-stepmom advice. All of the stepmom books and sites tell us to not be the "bad guy." That when we try too hard, we're the bad guy. When we are involved, we can end up being the bad guy. That when we let every one (in our home) know that abusing us, your house, or their dad is wrong, that we're the bad guy. Telling a child to mind their manners or clean their plate or their room makes you the bad guy. So the direction from the books and the sites is: back off. Stay away. Get out of it. And that will help you to stop being the bad guy.
There is plenty of credence to that advice. I do understand and agree with most of it. I do try to be less of the bad guy and take myself out of situations as much as I can, or I should say more honestly that "I'm working on it." It is best that you leave the parenting to your husband. It is better if you are able to "detach" and back off or out and do your own thing. It is supposedly better for everyone if you stop being the bad guy. And most of all, this will help you reduce the amount of resentment that characterizes your life as a stepmom.
The expectation is, as I've read in article after article, that when you back off, suddenly everything will fall into place and your husband will parent and handle it all, and the world will be better. I'm being facetious, but that generally is the message from every article and chapters of books on this topic. The literal expectation is that your husband will pick it up and you will find yourself happier. The truth is, for some and not all, that we are unable to back off completely, or even mostly. We are not of the personality type to allow children to completely destroy our home- Oh and by the way, here's the other big element of criticism: We're alone with the children, caring for them, often. Sometimes BY COURT ORDER. Not because our husband made us do it or he's a slacker, but because he has always worked at that time or is in the military or has always traveled. And despite the court mediator knowing each parents' schedule (well, sort of- they apparently don't read or recall much of it, and especially don't make sound recommendations based off of it), a stepparent OFTEN ends up caring for the kids MORE than the actual parents. Which...would mean that backing off, out, and taking up more friendships out of the home may mean child neglect. Or that you, the actual primary caretaker, are not parenting a child who desperately needs it. Sometimes the advice from the stepmom article is something like "let your husband know that you would prefer to not take care of the children as much...." Mkay. So, since he's working when you take care of them, that would mean giving custody back to their mother, who lost that custody for a reason, or would increase child support to her, or would just continue to use it in the mental manipulation warfare.... Well, frankly, it is Not an option for most of us.
We're here. We sacrificed a normal family life for this. And we need to suck it up. Oh, and it does suck. Oh, and we do have the right to parent in our own home, despite the biomom's claims. And, overtime, your skids will learn that their attitudes and behavior won't be tolerated in your home- and they WILL benefit from it. They may hate you right now, but they will benefit from you being the only person in their lives telling them to stop burping (or farting...) incessantly or giving them appropriate medications (..."ewww grape flavoorrrrrrr")...and everything else. You ARE important, and your work DOES matter.
I greatly appreciate the shift in the "detachment" advice, though it is pretty confusing that detachment articles for stepmoms swung from the extreme of completely backing out of the marriage and family when the children are over to simply letting the children know that you expect the most minimal of acknowledgement in return for your "services." I think the latter option isn't actually detachment and is really a pretty common parenting strategy. (See the book "Have a New Kid by Friday" for a modern example.) The former is actually meant for the most desperate of cases, where you have no support from your husband and your stepchild is abusing you intentionally- or your depression over the situation has gotten so bad that you have no other choice but to compartment your home, your brain, and your feelings.
"Detachment" aside, we all have to gain astronomical amounts of maturity when we step into the stepmom shoes, and that can take years. The best of us somehow manage to gain that early on or already have it, but the rest of us face amazingly insane situations and have to deal with it alone. And as the years go, you will develop this maturity and better sense of understanding, especially as the heat from the "other mother", the other household, or your in-laws dies down. But for now...
Sometimes I just have to be the bad guy. I'm going to be "the bad guy." I'm going to be the one that holds my skids to a slightly higher standard. Sometimes I'll try to act like what they just did or what they just said doesn't matter and swallow my tongue. Other times, I will be upset that they treat their very own father like dirt.
And that is precisely where I realized that I choose to be that Bad Guy sometimes. I am perfectly fine with [continuing to] sacrifice [what once was] my fun self, or image, or a "just around" stepmom persona in order to be the bad guy on the behalf of my husband. And this, actually, is by choice. The stepmom advice that tells you to back out in order to stop being the bad guy and to avoid resentment, maybe isn't referring to (or recognizing) situations of an obnoxious number of years of parental alienation against your best friend. Pretty much, that right there is the factor that is missing from so many stepmom advice articles and books- a complete oversight of what so many of us see happening to our husbands, the love of our lives, our soulmate, our partner, and our best friend.
My husband is my absolute best friend in the entire universe. I will be the "bad guy" for him on occasion, which sometimes is more than occasional. I would much prefer to be the bad guy, rather than him, in a number of situations. And when I don't want to be the bad guy? I won't be. I'll let him know I'm not taking this one. But, I have the choice. Sometimes I just plain want him to be the good guy.
Warning: I'm about to criticize a very well-known standard of stepmom-to-stepmom advice. All of the stepmom books and sites tell us to not be the "bad guy." That when we try too hard, we're the bad guy. When we are involved, we can end up being the bad guy. That when we let every one (in our home) know that abusing us, your house, or their dad is wrong, that we're the bad guy. Telling a child to mind their manners or clean their plate or their room makes you the bad guy. So the direction from the books and the sites is: back off. Stay away. Get out of it. And that will help you to stop being the bad guy.
There is plenty of credence to that advice. I do understand and agree with most of it. I do try to be less of the bad guy and take myself out of situations as much as I can, or I should say more honestly that "I'm working on it." It is best that you leave the parenting to your husband. It is better if you are able to "detach" and back off or out and do your own thing. It is supposedly better for everyone if you stop being the bad guy. And most of all, this will help you reduce the amount of resentment that characterizes your life as a stepmom.
The expectation is, as I've read in article after article, that when you back off, suddenly everything will fall into place and your husband will parent and handle it all, and the world will be better. I'm being facetious, but that generally is the message from every article and chapters of books on this topic. The literal expectation is that your husband will pick it up and you will find yourself happier. The truth is, for some and not all, that we are unable to back off completely, or even mostly. We are not of the personality type to allow children to completely destroy our home- Oh and by the way, here's the other big element of criticism: We're alone with the children, caring for them, often. Sometimes BY COURT ORDER. Not because our husband made us do it or he's a slacker, but because he has always worked at that time or is in the military or has always traveled. And despite the court mediator knowing each parents' schedule (well, sort of- they apparently don't read or recall much of it, and especially don't make sound recommendations based off of it), a stepparent OFTEN ends up caring for the kids MORE than the actual parents. Which...would mean that backing off, out, and taking up more friendships out of the home may mean child neglect. Or that you, the actual primary caretaker, are not parenting a child who desperately needs it. Sometimes the advice from the stepmom article is something like "let your husband know that you would prefer to not take care of the children as much...." Mkay. So, since he's working when you take care of them, that would mean giving custody back to their mother, who lost that custody for a reason, or would increase child support to her, or would just continue to use it in the mental manipulation warfare.... Well, frankly, it is Not an option for most of us.
We're here. We sacrificed a normal family life for this. And we need to suck it up. Oh, and it does suck. Oh, and we do have the right to parent in our own home, despite the biomom's claims. And, overtime, your skids will learn that their attitudes and behavior won't be tolerated in your home- and they WILL benefit from it. They may hate you right now, but they will benefit from you being the only person in their lives telling them to stop burping (or farting...) incessantly or giving them appropriate medications (..."ewww grape flavoorrrrrrr")...and everything else. You ARE important, and your work DOES matter.
I greatly appreciate the shift in the "detachment" advice, though it is pretty confusing that detachment articles for stepmoms swung from the extreme of completely backing out of the marriage and family when the children are over to simply letting the children know that you expect the most minimal of acknowledgement in return for your "services." I think the latter option isn't actually detachment and is really a pretty common parenting strategy. (See the book "Have a New Kid by Friday" for a modern example.) The former is actually meant for the most desperate of cases, where you have no support from your husband and your stepchild is abusing you intentionally- or your depression over the situation has gotten so bad that you have no other choice but to compartment your home, your brain, and your feelings.
"Detachment" aside, we all have to gain astronomical amounts of maturity when we step into the stepmom shoes, and that can take years. The best of us somehow manage to gain that early on or already have it, but the rest of us face amazingly insane situations and have to deal with it alone. And as the years go, you will develop this maturity and better sense of understanding, especially as the heat from the "other mother", the other household, or your in-laws dies down. But for now...
Sometimes I just have to be the bad guy. I'm going to be "the bad guy." I'm going to be the one that holds my skids to a slightly higher standard. Sometimes I'll try to act like what they just did or what they just said doesn't matter and swallow my tongue. Other times, I will be upset that they treat their very own father like dirt.
And that is precisely where I realized that I choose to be that Bad Guy sometimes. I am perfectly fine with [continuing to] sacrifice [what once was] my fun self, or image, or a "just around" stepmom persona in order to be the bad guy on the behalf of my husband. And this, actually, is by choice. The stepmom advice that tells you to back out in order to stop being the bad guy and to avoid resentment, maybe isn't referring to (or recognizing) situations of an obnoxious number of years of parental alienation against your best friend. Pretty much, that right there is the factor that is missing from so many stepmom advice articles and books- a complete oversight of what so many of us see happening to our husbands, the love of our lives, our soulmate, our partner, and our best friend.
My husband is my absolute best friend in the entire universe. I will be the "bad guy" for him on occasion, which sometimes is more than occasional. I would much prefer to be the bad guy, rather than him, in a number of situations. And when I don't want to be the bad guy? I won't be. I'll let him know I'm not taking this one. But, I have the choice. Sometimes I just plain want him to be the good guy.
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