WAYS TO CELEBRATE MOTHERS DAY FOR STEPMOMS

There's always gotta be a Mother's Day post, right?

Heck yeah!

I always have commentary on this.

This year, I got a Happy Mother's Day text from my youngest step first thing in the morning! I was barely awake! Super awesome. It made my day. I didn't need the cards they had prepared a week in advance, but those had actual thoughtful notes in them as well! Amazing! I was shocked. I was also shocked to hear from my oldest step, super late at night- another text. Nice of her, but not really necessary, given the card and that we are not on good terms right now. So, especially given those facts, pretty impressive.

The most amusing, and beyond obviously telling, was the card comparison. One got me a full blown, sappy, fantastic Mother's Day card that says "Mom" on the front. The other is a non-specific random card, but the fact that there are sentences in there that specify recognition for doing stuff for her- Sure. I got it. I understand. It's fine. The sentences, written in her handwriting, were the part that mattered anyways! (And then later, my husband admits to picking the card himself, and all that meaning goes way out the window...But also shows that he knows his daughter quite well enough.)

That being said, as other stepmoms have pointed out in cyber world, I am getting this (newly) consistent and day-of recognition now, after 9 years. Someone aptly pointed out that they noticed that stepmoms with older skids were the ones often with a phone call or other type of honor. I think last year was the first year I got texts from both of them the day of. My husband, though, also would usually have them do something "for" me the weekend before or week after. More his effort than theirs.

I read a smattering of articles out there about what you should expect on Mother's Day, as a stepmom.

HAHAHAHA.

Don't listen to other people maybe. That's my first piece of advice. Even "expert" stepmoms are full of crap sometimes.

I hate how in their articles of "Stepmoms are decent people trying really hard" they bury in archaic, inapplicable, or just out of touch advice.

Look, if you do a ton of crap for you stepkids, you deserve some sort of honor in some way. And if it isn't on Mother's Day specifically, that's OK- but your husband, family, others, need to respect your choice and role to put yourself into the center of the fire. Bonfire, if you will. Your stepkids DO need to learn how to honor people of importance in their lives, especially the person who fills in for the mom role every other weekend, during the summer, or whatever it is.

It shocks me that the articles about Stepmoms on Mother's day are still saying things like, "You are not mom." No, f' no. No, you are not. We FREAKING KNOW THAT. Stop telling us that!!!! Why are you still even typing that!?!? We freaking, really already know we are not their birth moms, and we remember on a freaking DAILY basis. Stop even printing that like there's an assumption we're all morons, unclear on where our stepkids came from!!

But those same articles usually go on to say that Stepmoms play an important role and describe it, like people who aren't stepmoms are even bothering with this article. Give me a break. Stop the age-old placation. Start with "Stepmoms do a lot of crap, by the way, world. And if they function as a mom to their skids, maybe they should get some credit."

I'm sorry, but it is NOT so wrong that the kids texted me "Happy Mother's Day" on Mother's Day. No, it is not. Get over yourself. I did not spend the day with them. I did not take them away from their mom. I did not demand that they spend time with me. THAT would be ridiculous, especially in my situation. As a matter of fact, every full-time stepmom I've ever read articles from has said how they welcome Mother's Day as one of the only days of the year where they get a break and are super happy to let the kids be with their mom. It's really the non-custodial or partial that hurt, and we are the ones who have absolutely NO SAY in whether the kids spend an ounce of time with us pretty much any day besides this somewhat random holiday.

Stating in articles that a Stepmom doesn't have rights to Mother's Day tells me that you don't know very much. I've never heard, seen, read that a Stepmom wants the rights to Mother's Day. The Stepmoms crying on Mother's Day are hurt by REJECTION. Complete, total, day after day rejection. There's a LOT more going on than just "Their real mom gets attention on Mother's Day" (said by no stepmom ever).

A Stepmom DESERVES SOME CREDIT unless she has no presence in her step's lives. And by no presence, I mean that- not what the child or adult child "perceives" as no presence. (There is a major difference.) And the no presence stepmoms? I don't know why, but then they actually fit the "Dad's Wife" category, and it makes sense. UNLESS they at some point DID in fact help raise the kids in the past or are attempting to have a part in their skids lives. Then, they still deserve some credit. Did they raise their stepkids through their young years, and then custody changed because Mom wanted them back or something changed- completely out of stepmom's control, always, of course- and now they hurt? Now they wonder what happened to the kids they spent so many years substituting for their "actual" mom?

Stepmoms deserve credit. Get over it. We're not out to steal Mother's Day, but we want recognition that we are here, that we clean up after your kids, that we take them to soccer practices, that we sacrificed our careers too, buy the groceries and watch them disappear, pay for your Netflix obsessions, renewed the Xbox subscription, help your Dad maintain the mortgage and bills, planned the vacations, made sure you were signed up for camp in time, etc., etc., etc..... Oh man. Just let us have that.

Really have issues with Mother's Day and Stepmoms? Why don't more articles published right before Mother's Day cover some super BASIC ways of celebrating Mother's Day Stepmom style? Why are these not making it to the major websites and "Stepmom Coach" websites yet?

Ways to Celebrate Mother's Day for Stepmoms (because you still don't "get" it...)

• Celebrate before or after. Make it a specific day, or don't. Whatever works. (There is a specific Stepmother's Day, so that would work, too. Make it legit.)
• Have the kids get her a card or flowers before, and she can open it on Mother's Day when she's ultimately questioning all of her life's decisions. 
• Can't even get the kids to get her a Mother's Day card? How about Thank you cards? Funny cards they picked out if they're young and not super snarky yet? Something is seriously better than nothing, and exactly how hard is this? (Oh right, not. Not at all.)
• Ask that they simply send a private message on FB, text, Twitter on Mother's Day to say "thanks for all you do and have a nice day!" Which is code for "thinking of you, recognizing you, but in no way ready to honor you as mom" - which is FINE. Completely fine. Recognition is what it is, no matter what words! 
• If the kids are so insanely manipulated against your wife/friend who is a stepmom/family member, then MODEL YOUR recognition of her. Take them with you to go get a card for her, for all she does for them, the house, the pets, her husband. Can't take them with you (probably due to so little custody...), then just get her Mother's Day cards, gifts, flowers, etc. that the kids will see. Post it on Facebook. What you're doing is letting the kids know that other people recognize your stepmom as doing something like a mom. You're teaching, and you're honestly flat out helping the family. You're also making sure that the Stepmom feels loved on Mother's Day if she doesn't hear a single word or get anything from her skids and/or husband. 
• GO ON VACATION. Make plans with friends or do something special every year to make sure Mother's Day is a low, low level concern. Get out of town, or make sure she has friends to hang with (because normally she can't hang with friends, cooking dinner and all that.................)

All of the above has been done for me now, but it took a lot of that last one- Modeling. My husband was an active husband in this endeavor, but I know many of you have, lets call it "absent-minded" husbands. Help them. I did see a number of articles this year point out that you need to let your husband know ahead of time of your "expectations" to be recognized in some way. But I liked how one person said that if you are an outside friend or family member, help the husband get the clue, too. TOTALLY. HELP the marriage that you went to the wedding to by helping the husband "get" that his wife needs some special attention for committing to this craziness that he considers (sadly) normal.

In all honesty, the Stepmom often looks a bit crazy on Mother's Day because you are seeing the culmination of bewilderment, self-hate, and pure hurt. It's not about taking away from their mother; it's just literally the #1 day where we are reminded of how worthless we are to everyone we work so hard for IN our OWN home. Don't believe me? That's how it feels, whether it's true or not. And who are you to know how it feels, unless you're in my particular court custody arrangement nightmare? Unless you are also a victim of child parent alienation? Unless you have the same situation?

Yeah, you get it now, don't you?

(And if you don't feel free to comment, so that I can realize what I've missed.)

She Finds Her Strength-In You

Once upon a time, my youngest stepdaughter learned that her mother wasn't listening to her anymore. And it's not a fairy tale.

For years, I had listened to her without judging, teasing, mocking, belittling, or labeling. I may have made cardinal mistakes of interrupting when in the middle of 20 things, talking about my own experiences too soon, or questioning her- but I always tried to make it clear that I was coming back around to her. I would ask her later, if I had to interrupt for someone or something else, what the rest of her story was or about the friend she was talking about earlier (or even the other day).

I forget sometimes- to ask her about her friends or last week's drama- but I guess I remember just enough that she knows I am just forgetful. A couple of years ago, I realized she was purposefully setting up talk time. She would either find me in solitude, wait, or literally set-up me driving her- alone. She would then tell me all about her friends, her issues, her questions, or (now) "boyfriends."

I went through depressions, wondering if my stepdaughters would ever give a crap about me. I would try, and it would backfire. I would feel a closeness develop, and then they would throw me under the bus enough to hurt my husband's custody and rights.

Well, one does for sure. She's overt about it now, and she is far from her 20s or 30s when people told me "they will figure it out." (Which I will maintain to question in general, because it just doesn't always happen. Read the research in "Stepmonster.")

If your stepdaughter doesn't have a strong mom- emotionally, self-esteem, what have you- they will feel like they need to take care of her, but your stepdaughter will hopefully, maybe recognize that her needs aren't being met. One of my steps figured it out, the other has not. But the younger is already on a healing process, figuring out conscious, planned strategies to take care of herself as a young teen and "deal" with her mom. She now tells me directly that she has to talk to me, can only tell me the whole story, and I reiterate that I will not make fun of her. (A message I have told her for forever, but she finally understands.) She knows I am really interested- despite trying to cook, drive, or work while she talks- And although I have trouble following every detail of the book she's reading at the moment, I seem to catch enough that she hasn't given up on me understanding teen dystopian societies. (You totally got that, didn't you?)

We encourage her, a lot. Back in the day, our encouragement of her identity and independence was a threat to her mom and sister, and often battled by an entire-in-town-other-family. But this one has come out the other side, understanding more than we ever thought she would at this point. Then again, maybe I saw it coming. I guess we did see a lot of potential in her coming out of the fog earlier, but we didn't want to get our hopes up too high.

We have half custody of her now, but the only thing pissing me off now is that she should have been with us half time all along. She is so happy...And we're pretty sure she'll figure out that she should be with us full time one day, too. If she won't be able to follow through on that choice, we're finding out that she is literally saving all personal news, thoughts, questions, and stories for us. She has admitted to not talking about major parts of her life at her other home, due to fear of reactions, retribution, control, anger, or just being hurt by the misunderstanding or lack of listening. (Hell, if you don't believe me- At a rather young age she announced to me, very clearly and completely out of nowhere, "I think my other family doesn't like me." Does that not tell you a ton right there? Yes, I played it cool and gave excuses for them, but even as a kid she responded, without much emotion besides true thoughtfulness, "No, I'm pretty sure they just don't like me." In other words, she knew she didn't belong for fit in way back then.)

We're here. I was here. I made sure I listened. It wasn't too hard. You can do it, too, even though it hurts sometimes and you wonder what they will tell their mom about you tomorrow. And you don't have to be perfect. I wasn't perfect, and it still worked. I have thought of her as really my daughter before, and she really is. I've started claiming her traits already.

Ok, yeah, I'm not stupid- She will get pulled back into her Mom's world regularly, but she knows I really know her, and I know she really can depend on me. It's gotten past a line, and I know this isn't reversing. She's not a little kid, easily convinced of nonsense anymore- thank God! She's strong, independent, and she's decided no one will stop her now- and we're right behind her, making sure.

Choosing Wisely

I have heard and seen over the years people and kids advise divorcing parents to "Consider the kids in choosing your next spouse."

It is somewhat obvious advice, but it's a whole lot more complicated than that -and I am witnessing the baggage connected to that belief lead to many second divorces later. Here's why:

As an adult, you fall in love with who you fall in love with. Hopefully you are also wise, logical, and have some general child development or psychology knowledge in your background and carefully introduce your kids to your new girlfriend or boyfriend. Hopefully you are also sane and can tell the difference between an abuser and a well-balanced person...But we aren't all so lucky. In fact, increasingly I hear that a lot of the modern first marriages end due to some pretty major mental illness that came out post-marriage... It happens. You don't always know, and mental illness can grow stronger over time. Abuse also can materialize later and be hidden for some time.

That being said, let's focus on the more average remarriage. I also tend to focus on the father-stepmom relationships, but you could interchange some of that here. In particular though, what I will write will pertain primarily to the dad-stepmom family dynamic.

Dad is warned by family to choose his next wife wisely. The family may even argue with him, expressing concern that his fiance is not good enough for the kids. He may be advised to pick only someone that his kids "like."

This is a wholly problematic qualification that my/our situation illustrates well:

We've had some major difficulties in our family, but most of it stemmed from external pressures. My husband literally saw how much his daughters LOVED me. They absolutely did. They wanted to spend time with me, clung to me, begged me to stay, followed me around, wanted to wear my clothes, walked around in my (huge) shoes, etc. etc. I struggled a little more to adjust to kids in my life, but they did not struggle with my presence.

Every now and then, these many years later, I do remember when my oldest stepdaughter was so attached to me I was wondering if I could go to the bathroom alone. She would lean her head on me, play with my hair, and even cuddle. (Yes, they also got upset if I made vegetables or something, but those moments were rather few and far in-between pre-marriage.)

It's been so many difficult years since then that I nearly forget. But that's what my husband saw: He absolutely wanted his kids to be happy, was joyful that they loved me like he did, and he had complete faith in my ability to be a fantastic stepmom to his kids.

And then their mom learned of the wedding date.

I could probably stop writing this post right there. Many of you don't need me to go further.

It was a major turning point. There were still moments where my oldest stepdaughter would beg me to play with her, especially when we were at playgrounds. We still had some good moments, but our relationship became strained more and more as the time progressed. My husband, though, had complete faith in me (poor man) and had seen his kids love me, and figured it would pass.

I am so fortunate, though. My husband is also a very logical man who knew that his daughters were being poisoned and that they did care for me, or at least value me, despite all the junk that got in the way. He saw value in me, and knew that I added value to their lives. He figured, or hoped, or knew that we would all get through it, and he has always believed that my presence in their lives was better for it.

He also has seen me struggle in this role, and he knows that I've changed. He may not like all of the changes or things that have happened, but he understands it. He knows me, and he knows what I've been through. He knows that this has not been easy (massive understatement).

On the flipside, many of the stepmoms I read about, talk to, and hear from are now divorcing. Their husbands do not have the same outlook that my husband has, and they have decided that the kids are unhappy, so they must have made a wrong decision. If my husband had based our marriage on his kids' happiness, we would have annulled our marriage pretty quickly.

It may sound trite, but yes, many stepmoms are faced with a husband who simply gives up on her based on the logic that he must have made a wrong decision now that the kids are unhappy. The stepmom/wife argues that she has sacrificed so much, given so much, given her life, as a matter of fact. She states her case, that she loves him and them and has worked so hard to be a part of the family. Ok, well if she doesn't love the kids, she does love him, and has tried her hardest. She has tried different things, different modes, different tacts. She has worked with him, for him, and for them.

But in response, her husband says, "Well, they don't like you, so I won't keep you." And gives her a move-out date. (I am still not exaggerating.)

Divorce is horrible. The choice to give up on your second wife teaches your kids the opposite of how to be married- or be an adult. You are not making things right in your second attempt; instead you are teaching them that they decide your happiness.

Kids, especially teenagers, are in developmental stages that need consistency- not another meaningful adult thrown out of their lives. Now, THAT, is common sense...supported by research. Kids will change, their moods vary, and if you were still married to your original spouse, they wouldn't be happy all the time, either. They go through moods, years of emotional nuttiness (generally referred to as hormones), and stages of independence. Their happiness will vary, and it isn't caused by just one person in their lives. (Think of all the causes of kid/teen-unhappiness: friends, school, coaches, teachers, lack of a thing, where they live, siblings, wishing they were someone else, boyfriends, girlfriends-or the lack thereof...Come on!)

I would like to also note that the women facing this are not the women that have asked to remove themselves, stepback, and be less involved. These are women that worked their asses off to please their husbands, their stepkids, and be a true parent. Maybe they didn't do it perfectly, because they have such a weird role to fill, but they damn-well gave it their all.

But not all men know what parenting is, and unfortunately, in the second marriage with kids, they have an upper hand. They see it as they "chose" their second wife and brought her in, but usually they did very little work to actually acclimate her, or the kids, to each other. They assumed everything would work out, their new wife would automatically love the kids as much as he does, and many times more than not, the husband also assumes, for some reason, that his new wife will also be the kids' new caretaker- sans authority or proper integration.

It's beyond disheartening. I watched an amazing, strong woman breaking after nearly a decade of pouring her life (and all her money) into a family that did like her, but suddenly her husband decided they just didn't like her enough. They didn't want "her" rules anymore. Bizarre, as the husband and wife should play a mutual, cooperative role in parenting and establishment of rules. It's not "her" rules versus yours. Wait- did you have any?

IF your wife, your second (or third...) wife makes rules you don't like or parents in ways you don't like- WHERE ARE YOU? Where's your part? At what point did you step out of the parenting role and let your new spouse step in? (Usually a stepmom steps in when the chaos is suffocating her...) It takes two, no matter what your issue is. If your wife is stepparenting in a way that you disagree with, why did you let it get this far? If you're the biological parent, you should have helped her or worked with her or at least had some normal planning and parenting discussions before you got to the point of "disapproving" of her.

Many, or most, created our parenting in a void. Stepmothering is a specifically bizarre role to play, and there's a lot of literature out there about how you are automatically at a massive disadvantage if you are a stepmother versus a stepfather. It is a very complicated family role, and our modern generation of stepmoms are all working to figure it out in hundreds of blogs, many new books, and a load of online communities.

In the meantime, your own family has to work together- and the biological parent has all the power. So, step up and shape your family; don't throw out a member of it because it's not perfect. Design the role that your wife will play as a parent, making it clear what will and won't happen with and from the kids. This is a two-sided planning process, involving the integration of an adult, who is not a moron and came with their own concepts of childrearing, parenting, and family history, and kids who have their own set of underdeveloped, preconceived notions- and a choir of other family members feeding them their notions. As the husband and parent, you have to lead and guide and not just watch things crumble and then lament your failed experiment. 

If you are married, you are partners. And if this second marriage has failed your kids, you let it fail your kids. In order to achieve that, you failed your partner first.

Great Expectations and Mislabeling

I wrote this a while ago. I don't know that it describes me now, but it sure is worthwhile.

We try too hard. Every book and article claims that a stepmom's goal is to be....A friend. A back-up Mom that is happy to take no credit. Like an Aunt. A mentor. A role model.

What if you don't want to be either? That's where I'm at. I've been OK with the other mother role, or I was when the kids were younger. Probably most of the time, I wish I wasn't anything, though. I don't necessarily want to be their friend...I was once and in our situation, being "friends" is setting myself up for being punched in the gut repeatedly.

Why is that supposed to be our stepmom goal? Can we come up with smaller, more attainable goals that we can actual feel some accomplishment and progress over?

How about.... get through the day without losing it? Handle depression? Make it to a therapist, maybe with your husband, regularly? Get through just one good meal a week with the kids?

I'm just sayin. If you're in the situation of a struggling stepmom, trying to figure out who you are in all of this, it doesn't help much to throw out lofty titles that aren't realistic at that moment in time.

Stepmoms: Don't be focused on that. Don't read an article and think "Oh! I will be a mentor then!" and then try it out and find out that that failed, too. It will be something that will take shape over time, but if you're in chaos, confusion, frustrating, depression, and near hell... Those lofty goals are just too much to think about. Even positive labels can be hurtful. (See #socialPsych #childdevelopment)

Focus on the little things. Rejoice in any accomplishment whatsover, like, "Today, I didn't want to toss the teenager out of the house!" Or, maybe something even smaller: "Today, my stepdaughter made me laugh."

And sometimes, stop trying. Sometimes, when you're going in circles, you can't find your footing, you really don't know your role here- Step away for a while. Take a break. Go hang with friends. Schedule time with your "original" family. Just step away, because your role will work itself out over time or after the kids age a bit or when other life circumstances change. I'm not saying, "It will all work out great!" I'm just saying that you'll find your groove, your fit, your spot, your rhythm eventually. Screw the titles or expectations others, or you, put on yourself.