The Anxiety of A Custodial Visit

The anxiety of a custodial visit.

1. Get to a doctor and get some anti-anxiety meds before you develop panic attacks. I waited too many years on that one... And it was really easy to get. (Yay prescription drugs!) Maybe because if you say "I'm a stepmom" to any certified doctor, they instantly get it.
1. How do you know if you are experiencing anxiety and attacks? Hard to breathe? Super nervous? Sweaty? Hating life right now? Wishing you could run, run, run away?
   Maybe even freaking out?
2. Why are you picking up the kids again? 
1. Yeah, I know, it is impossible for your husband to make it. He doesn't want to lawyer up again. He doesn't want to fight her for a more reasonable custody arrangement. He's happy for what he got. I know. I know. 
2. You're doing your part to make sure the kids stay in your family, to make your husband's life easier, to make sure your husband sees his kids even though he works an hour away and struggles through insane traffic just to get there to see his kids for at least half an hour. You are doing your part, you are honorable, you are working hard to maintain composure. You left work early for this. You are thinking this was a mistake. You are not sure what they will say and do when they get to your car. You're not sure what she will do and say, making everything so much worse and something you have to record for court. You're watching the clock. She's late. Again. Why are you doing this!?!?
3. Then you hear the kids laughing with their Dad- one hour later. You hear the joy. You hear his love for them, and you realize how different of a night it would have been if you had not been able to pick up the kids. 

And the process starts all over again, 2 nights or one week later.

A lot of stepmom guides, articles, books suggest that you give up and stop doing this stuff for your husband.
Sure, sure. And you want him to lose his kids? Why is that not covered?

Some books and articles argue that if he can't handle it, then he shouldn't be making you do it.

I get that logic, and I would have supported it if his kids had been complete hellions, I guess. Maybe. Not even then maybe, because as demonstrated above, the love that fills your home, FINALLY, when he has not seen the kids for a week...It's worth it. 

But do try to do more for you. Make sure he understands what it is like. Make sure he does his part. Make sure he takes some time off work. Make sure you go out. Make sure you get you time.

Sometimes, drop them off to him, and go out by yourself. DO IT. Don't cook dinner every night. Let him cook dinner, even though he had a long day of work. (There's plenty of microwavable stuff out there.) Let him take the kids out. You did your part and got them home; but now he can take them out and have time with them alone, which is great no matter what for all parties. You are allowed breaks. You are allowed you time. You are allowed your friends.

There are plenty of nights where I realized I couldn't do it anymore, and I called him to let him know that things were not well between the skids and I. I would let him know, and he now knows without explanation, "You are taking them out tonight." And there were nights that he knew were so bad that he needed to keep them out. They had their homework with them, or he had books or tablets with fun things in them to do, and they would entertain themselves somewhere else. Honestly, I consider that stepmom-forced-quality time. (Often when they are all home together, he defaults to just TV watching. On the nights where I asked they go out and stay out, he truly spent time with them- and they loved it. Completely doubtful that they even asked why they weren't going home instead. Dad time is Dad time, period.)

So, do that. Don't be afraid. Ask for You time, and make sure that you get a return on your part. You don't have to do it all; but I completely understand why you aren't giving up on one of the most stressful parts of this life. I totally get it. And not all stepmoms are in agreement that you should completely disengage. Trust me. And we're here for you. Let's do virtual drinks sometime. =)

Passive (Step)Teen Parenting?

Teenagers. Teenagers.

They're tough for regular parents, but double the puzzle for a stepmom.

Do you leave them alone?

Do you ask?

Do you have your husband ask?

Do you ask their friends?

Do you create a false fire to make them flee their rooms once and for all?

Can you take away the car keys? Or is that sacriliege? (Unlike every other person of authority in their lives...)

Do they EVEN have a curfew!?
Are you up at night wondering where your stepkid is, while your spouse sleeps soundly?

Are you the one who asks where the teenagers went to, with who, and where?

Yeah, I feel ya.

My husband is in teen dad training. He doesn't seem to have expected teenaged girls one day. I was becoming a more hands off parent...And then they turned into teenaged girls, both, at once.
So... I'm "helping" him "remember" to ask where they are going, with whom, for how long, when they will be home...
And not accepting shrugs as responses.

Oh, so much to learn.

Why do I care? Well, usually I already had dinner planned, tickets to something or other, and chores we discussed earlier that they needed to do before setting foot out the door.

Then throw in the complication of minimal custody. Well, then you have a father who feels hurt each and every time his kids walk out the door unless he's had just a little bit of time with them. I see the sadness, I get the brunt of any repressed anger, and I watch him pretend it was all OK when they walk back in the door moody, sullen, and exhausted from friend/boyfriend drama and no-sleep-sleepovers.

Is it so bad to help your husband parent? No. You just need to help him understand and not make him look stupid in front of other people or his kids. That is hard, mind you, but there's an entire book called "Love & Respect" if you're poor in that category. It's tough, but doable. Love your husband, pray for him, and help him remember the Daddy role of protecting his young- even if they can drive now. If he's not "getting it" when it comes to his daughters- as most men don't seem to- get him the book "Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters." He will regret not being a father to them when they needed it otherwise, and they will resent him for not being there as a strong presence, even if silent but clearly noticeable.

And if he doesn't trust your advice or parenting at all, please get therapy from a therapist who has also been a stepmom- pronto. Before it's too late- as he doesn't understand you are helping a lot, yet. Make sure your marriage comes first. (Contact me if you want a discount to the FamilyLife Marriage conference, Weekend To Remember. http://www.familylife.com/wtrfall14)

While at the FamilyLife conference, my husband bought a very, very short and easy-to-read book called "Interviewing Your Daughter's Date: 30 Minutes Man to Man" by Dennis Rainey. I had it on his Amazon wishlist for years, but he realized it was time- with both girls in relationships suddenly, and he could barely get their boyfriend's names! Within minutes, he was cracking up at Rainey's stories. Every dad of a daughter needs a little bit of support, guidance, or reminders- especially if it can come from wise mentors who aren't seen as a nagging wife!

Choosing Wisely

I have heard and seen over the years people and kids advise divorcing parents to "Consider the kids in choosing your next spouse."

It is somewhat obvious advice, but it's a whole lot more complicated than that -and I am witnessing the baggage connected to that belief lead to many second divorces later. Here's why:

As an adult, you fall in love with who you fall in love with. Hopefully you are also wise, logical, and have some general child development or psychology knowledge in your background and carefully introduce your kids to your new girlfriend or boyfriend. Hopefully you are also sane and can tell the difference between an abuser and a well-balanced person...But we aren't all so lucky. In fact, increasingly I hear that a lot of the modern first marriages end due to some pretty major mental illness that came out post-marriage... It happens. You don't always know, and mental illness can grow stronger over time. Abuse also can materialize later and be hidden for some time.

That being said, let's focus on the more average remarriage. I also tend to focus on the father-stepmom relationships, but you could interchange some of that here. In particular though, what I will write will pertain primarily to the dad-stepmom family dynamic.

Dad is warned by family to choose his next wife wisely. The family may even argue with him, expressing concern that his fiance is not good enough for the kids. He may be advised to pick only someone that his kids "like."

This is a wholly problematic qualification that my/our situation illustrates well:

We've had some major difficulties in our family, but most of it stemmed from external pressures. My husband literally saw how much his daughters LOVED me. They absolutely did. They wanted to spend time with me, clung to me, begged me to stay, followed me around, wanted to wear my clothes, walked around in my (huge) shoes, etc. etc. I struggled a little more to adjust to kids in my life, but they did not struggle with my presence.

Every now and then, these many years later, I do remember when my oldest stepdaughter was so attached to me I was wondering if I could go to the bathroom alone. She would lean her head on me, play with my hair, and even cuddle. (Yes, they also got upset if I made vegetables or something, but those moments were rather few and far in-between pre-marriage.)

It's been so many difficult years since then that I nearly forget. But that's what my husband saw: He absolutely wanted his kids to be happy, was joyful that they loved me like he did, and he had complete faith in my ability to be a fantastic stepmom to his kids.

And then their mom learned of the wedding date.

I could probably stop writing this post right there. Many of you don't need me to go further.

It was a major turning point. There were still moments where my oldest stepdaughter would beg me to play with her, especially when we were at playgrounds. We still had some good moments, but our relationship became strained more and more as the time progressed. My husband, though, had complete faith in me (poor man) and had seen his kids love me, and figured it would pass.

I am so fortunate, though. My husband is also a very logical man who knew that his daughters were being poisoned and that they did care for me, or at least value me, despite all the junk that got in the way. He saw value in me, and knew that I added value to their lives. He figured, or hoped, or knew that we would all get through it, and he has always believed that my presence in their lives was better for it.

He also has seen me struggle in this role, and he knows that I've changed. He may not like all of the changes or things that have happened, but he understands it. He knows me, and he knows what I've been through. He knows that this has not been easy (massive understatement).

On the flipside, many of the stepmoms I read about, talk to, and hear from are now divorcing. Their husbands do not have the same outlook that my husband has, and they have decided that the kids are unhappy, so they must have made a wrong decision. If my husband had based our marriage on his kids' happiness, we would have annulled our marriage pretty quickly.

It may sound trite, but yes, many stepmoms are faced with a husband who simply gives up on her based on the logic that he must have made a wrong decision now that the kids are unhappy. The stepmom/wife argues that she has sacrificed so much, given so much, given her life, as a matter of fact. She states her case, that she loves him and them and has worked so hard to be a part of the family. Ok, well if she doesn't love the kids, she does love him, and has tried her hardest. She has tried different things, different modes, different tacts. She has worked with him, for him, and for them.

But in response, her husband says, "Well, they don't like you, so I won't keep you." And gives her a move-out date. (I am still not exaggerating.)

Divorce is horrible. The choice to give up on your second wife teaches your kids the opposite of how to be married- or be an adult. You are not making things right in your second attempt; instead you are teaching them that they decide your happiness.

Kids, especially teenagers, are in developmental stages that need consistency- not another meaningful adult thrown out of their lives. Now, THAT, is common sense...supported by research. Kids will change, their moods vary, and if you were still married to your original spouse, they wouldn't be happy all the time, either. They go through moods, years of emotional nuttiness (generally referred to as hormones), and stages of independence. Their happiness will vary, and it isn't caused by just one person in their lives. (Think of all the causes of kid/teen-unhappiness: friends, school, coaches, teachers, lack of a thing, where they live, siblings, wishing they were someone else, boyfriends, girlfriends-or the lack thereof...Come on!)

I would like to also note that the women facing this are not the women that have asked to remove themselves, stepback, and be less involved. These are women that worked their asses off to please their husbands, their stepkids, and be a true parent. Maybe they didn't do it perfectly, because they have such a weird role to fill, but they damn-well gave it their all.

But not all men know what parenting is, and unfortunately, in the second marriage with kids, they have an upper hand. They see it as they "chose" their second wife and brought her in, but usually they did very little work to actually acclimate her, or the kids, to each other. They assumed everything would work out, their new wife would automatically love the kids as much as he does, and many times more than not, the husband also assumes, for some reason, that his new wife will also be the kids' new caretaker- sans authority or proper integration.

It's beyond disheartening. I watched an amazing, strong woman breaking after nearly a decade of pouring her life (and all her money) into a family that did like her, but suddenly her husband decided they just didn't like her enough. They didn't want "her" rules anymore. Bizarre, as the husband and wife should play a mutual, cooperative role in parenting and establishment of rules. It's not "her" rules versus yours. Wait- did you have any?

IF your wife, your second (or third...) wife makes rules you don't like or parents in ways you don't like- WHERE ARE YOU? Where's your part? At what point did you step out of the parenting role and let your new spouse step in? (Usually a stepmom steps in when the chaos is suffocating her...) It takes two, no matter what your issue is. If your wife is stepparenting in a way that you disagree with, why did you let it get this far? If you're the biological parent, you should have helped her or worked with her or at least had some normal planning and parenting discussions before you got to the point of "disapproving" of her.

Many, or most, created our parenting in a void. Stepmothering is a specifically bizarre role to play, and there's a lot of literature out there about how you are automatically at a massive disadvantage if you are a stepmother versus a stepfather. It is a very complicated family role, and our modern generation of stepmoms are all working to figure it out in hundreds of blogs, many new books, and a load of online communities.

In the meantime, your own family has to work together- and the biological parent has all the power. So, step up and shape your family; don't throw out a member of it because it's not perfect. Design the role that your wife will play as a parent, making it clear what will and won't happen with and from the kids. This is a two-sided planning process, involving the integration of an adult, who is not a moron and came with their own concepts of childrearing, parenting, and family history, and kids who have their own set of underdeveloped, preconceived notions- and a choir of other family members feeding them their notions. As the husband and parent, you have to lead and guide and not just watch things crumble and then lament your failed experiment. 

If you are married, you are partners. And if this second marriage has failed your kids, you let it fail your kids. In order to achieve that, you failed your partner first.

The Every Other Weekend Husband

My husband, standalone without all the junk that attacks him regularly, is a great, calm, nice man that wants to do his family right. He wants to take care of us, give us everything he can, and will be there for us until the end.

But he is an every-other-weekend dad. This is also referred to as "EOW" in custody/stepfamily forums online. This is the proper term that replaces the nasty and substantially overused "Disneyland Dad" term that so many people throw around loosely, not really realizing what they're saying. I've noticed that it is often used to describe a dad that the person (a woman) doesn't even know, usually adapted from a bitter mom, or used in defense by a dad who is trying desperately to prove that he loves his children and wants to be more than the D-land Dad title used against him in court. Using this term is insulting and automatically discounts a dad that rarely gets to see his children, plus shows pure ignorance of the real meaning behind it.

The every-other-weekend schedule hurts our marriage, substantially. We do a pretty decent job loving each other through all the crap his prior marriage has put on us, but the custody schedule and its severe limitations not only hurts the kids, but it hurts our home.

I have been told that I should just be happy we don't see the kids as much as we wish we could so that my husband and I can live it up and party every other weekend without the kids. Some moms are rightly jealous that we get some time off, and I get that sentiment plenty. It is true that we get to go out, go on some weekend outings, and things like that because of the custody schedule. What only stepmoms with limited custody know is that there's a huge downside to it, too.

This post isn't going to be about the obvious negative of the every-other-weekend schedule, though. But for the sake of the topic, let me put those points forward. It does suck plenty when you don't have the kids that your life revolves around, because well everything in your life does revolve around them in my case. Whether we see them or not, our schedules still reflect the kids' lives, whether it's sports or school meetings and events, or whatever. I live here because of them, so not seeing them more makes it somewhat annoying that I'm even living here. Their empty room, their stuff around your house- it sucks, even if they aren't the greatest kids in the world to me. We do still think about them, plan for them, and shop for them when they're not with us. We talk about them too much and regret how they can't go with us to many of the things we go to on their off weekend. And then there's the behavioral ramifications...The less the kids are with you, the more they'll treat you like you (and their dad) mean nothing to them. The family dynamic is completely tossed (and severely scarred) by such little amount of time together (as researchers have found). The flow, expectations and general respect are lost when custody is ridiculously low. The message to the kids is that you are not a full parent, your house doesn't matter that much, and my (the kids') time with you (dad/stepmom) isn't that important. You'd think it would be the opposite, and apparently sometimes kids pine for the parent they see less, but the kids' beliefs and behaviors actually reflect the custody share. (This is related to child development: self-preservation, necessary adjustment, and often manipulation.)

Still, this is more about the flip-side. The impact on the dad as a man of the house.

My husband is an extremely loving dad. End of story. That means the limited amount of time he has with the kids is precious and sacred. He has struggled for years with regular parenting because he wants every minute of his time with them to be happy and wonderful. Eventually, he had to let that go because they were struggling in life, hurting and thereby hurting each other and themselves, and he just had to be the parent that taught life lessons, character, and integrity. It is his role, and our home is damage control for their lives. So, on the "on" weekends with the kids, he focuses on them and I expect it to be that way.

The every-other-weekend schedule also means that if you are an active family who want the kids to experience as much in life as possible, learn more than what they get outside of your home (which is 75+% of the time), and do any family bonding, then your weekend ends up being jam-packed. There's sports, music lessons from friends who don't mind the whacky schedule, church, and whatever else your family values doing together that you have to shove into 25% the time. There are also rushed trips to see family hundreds of miles away, as they barely get to see those family members. There are even doctor appointments, haircuts, and other types of things if those matters tend to not be handled by the other house for some reason...Often shoved into a Friday afternoon or weekend clinics.

So...Our home is bipolar. As you can see. We are always active people, but it gets cranked up a level when the kids are with us. This is why stepmoms deal with a lot of stress and anxiety, but we know it's the deal. We ARE able to take a backseat when we want to, but that still means Dad is on duty. Good for you as a stepmom...but....

The means your weekends with your stepkids' father are his recovery weekend. We both work full time (or else we wouldn't afford the tiny house and the bills we have on top of custody payments), and that means that we're both craving time with each other, nearly every day. We're usually too tired to spend that time together, so the "off" weekends are when you get your husband. And all the activities we want to do to recover from the frantic time with the kids and attempt to keep the connection to each other. As I explain to many, we do a lot together on our off weekends to make up for the insanity of the custody schedule. (And sometimes to get out of the house if home issues are causing relationship strain, which remember, is where all the kids' stuff is- but without them. That in itself is a reason to get out of the house with your husband and remember who you are together in order to recharge for the next chaotic weekend or custody battle.)

But I've noticed over the years that my husband, although willing to be dragged around with me to do things, also crashes. He's exhausted. He exerts all his energy all the time instead of the normal family dynamic which would be up and down depending, and under our control. A part of the frantic-ness of a stepfamily with lesser custody is the lack of control over your own schedule. We don't get to pick the sports, we have little or no influence over decisions despite the requirement that my husband have equal decision making power, and we just plain get jerked around. We have no say in schools, and although he tries to remind their mom that he has equal decision and legal power, the person with the most custody knows their actual, literal power. So, you end up driving further away for anything and everything the kids do, and doing things you would never, ever sign your kids up for, if they were yours. And we generally have to take them, as otherwise it will end up in court as damaging the kids if we don't take them to something relatively silly or insignificant for the sake of family. There's also this perpetual "on" time when the kids are with us, where my husband just does not feel like he can take a break. He won't even go take a nap. His time is so short, he can't waste it. He wants every minute of it.

So, to recap: Nonstop action when with kids, exhausted when not.

For the wife, this translates into a husband who is unable to keep up his home unless he's got the metabolism of ... I don't know...a rabbit? For years, things remained broken. For years, projects were put off and only discussed. For years, I cleaned. Then the nagging started. I knew that my husband was exhausted, stressed, and continually worn out physically and emotionally. Still, I started to hate our home more and more as I continued to see it backslide and deteriorate. Arguments and flat out fights increased because he wasn't being the man I know he is at home. I started pushing him to do tasks when he either needed to be with the kids or needed to rest.

There just is no time left for him to be a husband and a home owner. Things just weren't getting done. I became a nagger, and resentful.

It's confusing, because on the one hand, the solution is to not see the kids (not an option for most fathers now) and get stuff done, OR see the kids more and let the family dynamic reflect a more normal, less frantic atmosphere that everyone appreciates. I do speak of this from experience. We had more custody once upon a time and we have more custody in the summers. The kids are more self-sufficient and willing to help out at home when they know they're invested. They are more respectful and more a part of the family, feeding the pets, cleaning, talking to me like a human being who cares for them, and just acting like normal kids rather than brats that take and take and return to mom tomorrow. Similarly, my husband is less stressed and anxious about every single minute. He knows they'll still be there, and therefore he can get a couple of things done in the meantime, whether for his house or himself.

Only court will change that, as the kids' mom is not capable of negotiation, a concept we've been trying to teach the kids so that they understand that in life, there are options for two parties to reach common ground without extreme anger.

I don't have a real solution for this. This is just reality, much like the rest of our stepfamily dynamic that people actually seem to think could change. (Hahahaha...) I wish we could afford a housekeeper, cleaning services, repairmen...But we can't. I love (hate, I meant) the suggestions in stepmom articles that you need to hire a house cleaning service and other such recommendations. If you have the means, more power to ya. Send some my way! This is why I enter contests for home makeovers constantly, thinking that this will be the solution to our home falling apart. I also wish we just happened to know people, or kids I guess, that would work on things in our house for cheap. But, we just don't. We do "know" some, but they don't live anywhere near us. So it is. Much like when you don't know anybody with a truck...That's us! That's life with when it revolves around your stepchildren and an every-other-weekend schedule plus weekday "dinner visits" of doom.