The Night of A Stepmom, The Fears of the Alienated

I sit in fear
Waiting for them to come over.
I fret and stress
Knowing it will be any minute.
I feel the anxiety shoot
through my skull.
I feel my heart beating
my pulse pulsating
and my breathing struggle.

They have rooms here
things here
half their lives here
But I call to ask that he take them out to dinner tonight.
Tonight I can't do it.
Tonight I can't fake it.
Tonight I'm afraid of saying what I want to say.

If I say what I feel,
he could lose them.
If I say what I want to say,
what they need to hear,
he may not support me.
If I tell them how they hurt me,
I will stand alone.
It falls on deaf, young ears.
I am shamed by others not here.

They can take what is said
my feelings,
my heart
back to their mom.
I am a horrible person
who never should feel what I feel,
she tells them.
I can give and give, but I should not expect to receive love. Ever.

I need to be alone.
I need to leave the room.
I need to leave the house,
but there's not really anywhere to go tonight.
I need to be away. I need them to be away. I need to walk away.
I need to shut up. I need to keep my feelings to myself,
because that is the only way.

This family stays together by burying the hurts sometimes.
He hurts, but he hides it from them.
I hurt, but I hide it from them.
We talk to them sometimes about the hurt,
but they are too young.

Our hurts are now translated into
expectations.
They are older. They are to learn, now.
We fear they will grow,
move,
marry,
and we will not be included.
If we don't teach them now
that we count.
If we don't teach them now,
that we are here.
If we don't teach them now,
that they are important to us.
If we don't teach them now,
that they have us.
We are family, too. We have to teach them
that we are family, too.