A Snapshot

Stepmom: Sends text messages to skids.
Skids: No response.

Days later...

Husband: (excited) "Did you know that [random event or cool thing] happened?"
Skids: (in teenage angst tone) "Uh, yeah." 90s Interpretation would be "Duh, gawd..."
Husband: "What?! How did you know about that??"
Skids: "Stepmom told us."

Stepmom: [befuddled...apparently cell phone service does work]

My Wishlist

AKA Why I continue to function as an involved stepmom

My goal as a stepmom is for my skids to grow up to be competent, independent, intelligent human beings with an awareness of their world and others. My husband and I work together in the hope that they will have character and integrity, and the knowledge to use strength when they face those who do not.


Side hopes:

I pray that they will have a faith that keeps them stable, balanced, giving, humble and loving. I hope I am providing them with tools to know that faith will help them, to look to faith when they feel alone.


I hope that they are developing strength, and I encourage them to know that they have strength. My husband and I are constantly reminding them of their own will, power, and abilities because we know they do not think they have any.

I teach them to not continue in a cycle of abuse (and divorce). I help them to identify abusive situations and behaviors, and they tell me what they would do or what their friends could do. My experiences, stories, and advice will help them. This is a regular topic in our home, as there are always instances of abuse they witness in school and with friends, that are becoming clear applications in their own lives.

I hope they travel. So I make our family travel.

I hope they try new things, new people, new adventures, and even new lives every now and then. So we try new things, meet new people, and attempt new adventures regularly.

I wish that they will have enough respect and honor for their dad and his family that they will call him and visit them when they are adults. Unfortunately, that means I have to point out when they are not calling him. I see his pain, but they don't.

I wish that one day they will be able to identify hate, and walk away from it. Likewise, I wish that they will know forgiveness and use it. We're doing a lot to battle the hate they see and feel, and we're working on modeling forgiveness and discussing what it is.

I hope that at some point, they'll choose to see us or visit us. We talk about honoring family and how family will never leave, will always be there. We will pick them up if they need us, we will help out.

I wish that they will see through all the crap that other people put in their heads. I pray that one day, they will know themselves and their own identity. I also hope this comes sooner rather than later. I make a point of talking to them about their own goals and catching them when they say they are only one thing and are not considering the alternatives.

I pray that they find more love than their parents did- and are willing to work hard in a marriage. So, I love my husband. We discuss marriage, love, and biblical vows.

I hope that they choose to serve their community in some way, some day, by volunteering for a cause. This is why I volunteer and include them.

I really do hope they go to college, one they enjoy, and they have fun and grow away from home. I hope they find passion for something (or 10) and motivation for a life in pursuit of knowledge and personal betterment.


And these are the reasons why I remain active in their lives. Maybe if you know my intentions for my stepchildren, you'll know I am not so bad for them? But you wouldn't know that I wish these things for them if you don't listen to what I am concerned about (because we don't talk much because you've made your mind up about me from stories from other people or the kids themselves) or because you simply don't live in our home with us and aren't with us enough to know what I'm like, believe in, or teach. So, I thought I'd share it.

The Kids can Love us All

[Updated 6/27]

Kids can love aunts, uncles, cousins, 8 sets of grandparents, and even 4 parents.

This ability of kids to love and accept many is only possible if their own family members will let them. It's adults who choose to not accept some members of their family. 

If they are directed to not honor or see as equal one set or family member, their pure love is stunted. They figure out quickly that they should bury their instincts and feelings.

Most of us recognize this, given a description like I've just provided, as wrong. But its likely that you have caused a changed attitude of the heart within your children if you have talked bad about a family member repeatedly or made physical reactions that even young kids can sense. Specifically, kids sense the most indirect cues from their moms, which means a mom's reactions and opinions have a stronger, more important impact.

Kids respond accordingly, especially if the veiled, thin or not, emotions are coming from their mom. So, if mom makes nasty comments about their other grandma or their stepgrandma, the kids from toddler to teens will make sure to show mom that they are loyal to her and are not "too nice" or "too thoughtful" of grandma from "the other side." Now, when mom is not around? Usually the act is dropped, but sometimes the disgust from their mom seeps into the kids' minds enough to effect how they treat even one of their spoiling-grandmas away from mom's eyesight.

If you are "the" mom, dad, grandparent, aunt, uncle...You already have the love of the kids. You do not need to feel like you must fight your family member's ex or their new spouse or their family. If you fear the kids leaving you, you probably naturally respond by holding on tighter. I've heard many stories about a mom becoming more and more nasty the more the kids grow up. Its clear that the nastiness is coming from fear (and hatred/envy of the other party), but this increase in abuse, negative comments, or control causes the kids to eventually completely split off. All in all, the more the jealousy and anger overwhelm one person's life with the kids, the more likely the kids will want to walk away- thereby making that initial fear a reality.

Sadly, as stepmoms, we know too well that it's not only our husband's exes and their families that hold many misdirected emotions against us- It's also our own in-laws. Our very own husbands' families cause strife against us, unnecessary drama, and the kids to disrespect us- adding to an already struggling home. For some reason, despite the new wife that the husband chose to help him and his family, the husband's family looks for every possible bad thing in the new wife. For some, this comes out of a lack of trust, since "the first one was so bad." But after a while, the stepmom starts to wonder why the attacks continue on her, when the first wife was so, so much worse? To quote a stepmom, "It wasn't me who messed [my stepkid] up! I wasn't the one who raised him, but I'm blamed!"

Isn't it amazing that your very own in-laws can't accept you, your efforts, and your endless commitment with the kids? But at the same time, they absolutely abhor the first wife? (Well, not always. I know many of you deal with the in-laws still loving the first wife and not liking you...That's just beyond sad, as the current marriage is the one that needs to be supported by family and friends, especially parents. Once the damage is done, its time to accept, and honor, the new reality/family.) We know what we do for the kids day in and day out. In-laws visit, send gifts, and really believe the kids are perfect angels- when we know what it is like to live with them, we know their school, their grades, their friends, their (disgusting) habits, and their traits that maybe even our husbands don't see. We deal with their anger and pain of divorce regularly- not on holiday visits. (Usually we're the brunt of that pain.) We know our stepkids. We don't just host them or think we know them. We absolutely, downright, know them. We know what are not just little mistakes, but continual patterns that we're trying to help the kids address (back home and on visits...). We know their friendship struggles by watching it happen, and we know their teachers. We know if something is an actual ongoing issue with our stepkid, or just a lapse in judgement and not tied to a deeper meaning.

We don't think they are perfect angels (which I think is one reason why in-laws don't like us), but we do know them as our kids. Others on the outside might not see them as our kids, but we have no choice but to treat them as our kids (...especially considering all the eyes watching our every move). Debating whether we are good enough to them or nice enough to them or good enough stepmoms is just a waste of your time. As their stepmom, I treat my stepkids as my kids- and they are my only kids. You might as well be criticizing my parenting skills of the child I never had. Maybe you would.

Each stepmom I meet feels unloved by their in-laws, or wholly misunderstood. We are the second, the less important, and maybe the one-who-did-not-give-birth- while our husbands see us as best, better, and the solution. We're seen as "the problem" by so many, including the people who should love us, while our husbands tell us we make their livelihood possible and we have given the kids so much that has changed their lives. This contradiction of messages causes us so much confusion, it leads to depression. It's hard to have self-worth when your husband's family starts rumors about you on a weekly basis or takes your words and actions out of context, which I think is usually due to the lack of acceptance that we do actually "parent" and raise our stepkids at home. We realize, maybe right away in a marriage or later down the line, that the very people who are supposed to be supporting your relationship with the kids are also helping to beat you down.

I have a responsibility, given to me by my husband and God, to raise them. And I am, the way I would, with my husband. This is what he wanted. Yes, it is my role to be the second parent in our home, to help raise them. As if they are my own. I do have a say, I do have a mind, I do have a choice. I did not give birth, but I have beliefs and knowledge of parenting like every other female. I am doing what I would do if I gave my in-laws another grandchild, nephew, or niece. It's not exactly the same- as there would be much less struggle with my own child, but this is who I am as stepmom and the things I do, as a stepmom, a second mom, to them. People like to write articles about how the stepmom should "stay out of it", but every stepmom knows the reality: Would you stop a child if they were about to hurt themselves, hurt someone else, or do something dangerous? Yes. Would you feed a child if there was no one there to feed them (in your own home) and you are the only one there that can do so? Yes. Would you clothe them, help them, care for them if you're the one at home, alone, with them? Yes. And as you walk further down that line, you see pretty simply that a stepmom does have a second parent role- with more time or responsibilities than a nanny, but often treated similar to a maid.

I'm glad I love my husband, and I'm glad he has me. Others may not be glad he has me or the kids have me, but he could write an endless list of what I've meant to him and his kids. I guess that's all that matters, which is hard to hold onto sometimes. And its all that should matter to your husband's family, too. So although I am the one with them day in, week out, you can trust that I am raising them in their best interest and assisting my husband with that goal. I am not perfect, but you know that you as a parent are not perfect. 


To paraphrase my husband, we can't just love and hug them every time things are going wrong- like a visiting family member would.  We can't just blame everything on the divorce and pity them, allowing them to grow up with a "victim" mentality. Our job is to raise them, teach them, and help them be strong so that one day they can live their lives without an abusive marriage, dependency, or divorce- and be successful and competent adults, mindful of their community and world.

I may never give birth to a baby, which is not, frankly, my fault. Sometimes I wonder if that would make me more loved by my in-laws, but... It was predetermined for me in a previous marriage that I was not a part of.  (Which in-laws know, and should understand is something really painful for many of us stepmoms to cope with. This is a Put-yourself-in-my-shoes Moment...) My stepkids may be the only kids I ever have, which is not ideal since they already have a mom. It's already tough enough to simply be a stepmom to kids who aren't yours, but then to have their dad's family question you, mistrust you, and criticize you behind your back for years? This perpetual judgement and junk from the in-laws is tearing apart my friend's marriages! Marriages that would be doing so fantastically if the skids' grandparents weren't constantly making the husband doubt every choice, or alienating the second wife from family events. Can you believe that the in-laws, who witnessed the hell of the first marriage, are the pivotal force against so many second marriages!? I honestly don't know that these marriages will survive, which leads to another divorce for the kids, their son, and another round of unbelievable pain- plus another round of hurt kids if the couple had their own kids despite the challenges.

If you are a blood relative of the child, you are in their lives as much as you are, and you will have a connection to them to the extent that you are in their lives. If you are there for them, they will love you. You are as meaningful to them as you choose to support them. You are lucky to have that bond, to have known them since birth, known both of their parents, and known them their whole lives. But instead of criticizing the other person who raises them or assuring the kids that they don't have to like their stepmom, focus on supporting their dad and his wife who struggle with the day-to-day of a split family and kids of divorce (who do, as a matter of fact, usually have increasingly more behavioral and learning problems along the journey- No, their stepmom isn't making up the struggles they're having because she's downright evil.). Or, just simply focus on your own relationship with the kids, as you already have that ready-made bond for you. You can have your own powerful influence on them, given the advantage of that bond. Don't waste your time thinking about how their stepmom has influenced them- They have a lot of good and bad influences, and their stepmom shouldn't be the focus on your time. A good use of your time? Encourage the kid to work with their parents, make the best of their situation, and help them learn how to cope. Encourage them to honor adults and authority but learn who they are at the same time. Help them to grow within their environment, so that one day they can grow outside of it.

If you help the kids to dislike and/or disrespect their stepmom and her family, you are actually hurting your son, brother, or nephew. It makes it that much harder for him to maintain a solid home, lead his home, find peace in his home. He is torn between his own family and his extended family, plus the divorce war and custody battles. You hurt the kids by causing more strife and assisting in the "pick sides" game. Support him by supporting "them" as a married couple who are working together to care for the kids, despite your opinion of how involved or uninvolved a stepmom "should" be. At least she's there for them.

Narcissism: "The Rager"

All of us have dealt with a narcissist, and many stepmoms get to deal with them on a daily or weekly basis! Quite a few of us constantly struggle with the reality that the kids are being raised by someone so self-absorbed that we wonder how the kids are being raised at all...and why the courts or CPS haven't noticed.

Although I've known (and dated) quite a few narcissists, it can be a little comforting (and simultaneously disturbing) to read about narcissism. It helps you to...see a little more clearly why your life is made so freaking insane by someone who probably, literally, is insane. You also start to realize that there are more narcissists around you than you thought...Like your boss or a coworker. Or, you may feel a lot better about that horrible break-up you had with an ex who, once you read up on narcissism, very much fits into a narcissistic definition.

If you're dealing with a true narcissist or are being driven nuts by how many seem to be around you the more you pay attention, I recommend The Sociopath Next Door  by Martha Stout. There are also plenty of web articles out there, some better than others. This one isn't straight out of a professional psychology book, but it's interesting not unlike other articles on narcissism. I wouldn't put much weight on it, but the reason I'm sharing it is because I was struck by the Rager description which absolutely perfectly describes my husband's ex. It is exact, to the T. And people ask me why she is the way she is....

Rager
"The Rager is a common and somewhat obvious narcissistic type of personality. A barely controlled rage simmers below the surface and often lashes out at anyone nearby. Unhappiness is expressed with increasing hostility. There are episodes of explosive rage with irrational, mystifying or unexplainable causes. Violence may be a factor.
What is most characteristic is hypersensitivity to any perceived insult - whether intended or not. Everything is taken personally and usually interpreted as an attack. What sparks the rage is narcissistic injury. The world may be seen in black and white terms. Projecting blame is a knee jerk reaction. The subjective experience of rage may be accompanied by interpretations of malignant intent. Not surprisingly such reasoning may have a paranoid quality.

" For years Betty ruled her family with her unpredictable explosions of anger. Gradually she alienated everyone. After 16 years of marriage Eric left for a younger woman. It was his bid for a new life but he then instituted a custody fight for the three teenage children. Perhaps surprising to no one but Betty - the children expressed a unanimous desire to live with their father.

"Anger feels like anger - naturally. But it is important to focus on the underlying, perhaps more uncomfortable, emotions. This may include sadness, fear, shame or despair. What is absent is a capacity to modulate intense emotions including, but not limited to anger... The Rager can be intensely controlling and it is almost the norm that the relationship will be abusive."

From: Narcissism: A Nine Headed Hydra?

M-Day Poem

A poem borrowed from a friend on Facebook:

~A stepmother consoles you when you feel sad

And hands out a punishment if you are bad

She'll tuck you in bed and read you a story

And yet, it's the real mom that gets all the glory

A stepmother hides the tears that she cries

When mother's day comes and then just slips by

With no card, and no hug, though she really feels sad

She won't let you see it, won't let you feel bad

She feels like an outsider but tries to fit in

If you're playing a game with her, she'll let you win

She makes sure your birthday is one special day

And when hers is forgotten, she'll just look away

When your teen years come, life gets much tougher

With a stepmother these years, for her, are much rougher

You may say or do something that injures her feelings

Please keep in mind that she hurts while she's healing

Your stepmother has done the best she could do

And no matter your age, she'll always love you

For Mother's Day, the best present to get her

Is the most precious of all, that you didn't forget her

~~~ unknown author

Side commentary: Why does it not surprise me that the author is unknown...So many of us maintain anonymity even though we're so too often unknown...The person who wrote this needs the credit instead of fearing her stepkids' dislike. This goes above that!

M-Day 2012

I'm going to keep this short and simple.

If you function as a mom, you deserve recognition as a mom. If the mom who gave birth and the stepmom both care for the child, they both deserve some form of recognition.

The mom will always have the all powerful bond and genetics and history and title and...and...and...more. If the stepmom functions as a mom in some way, giving of her life to raise the children as well, she can still deserve a call with a "Happy Mother's Day!", a card, a gift, a dinner. She will always and forever lack all the rest, from birth on, but she does deserve recognition for the work, effort, presence, guidance, and crap she puts up with from pure dedication. She may not seem perfect, act like "mommy", or be the Sound of Music (wannabe) nun, but she is there in their lives, serving as a mom in some capacity. And such, given the role she takes on, deserves some recognition on Mother's Day.

We honor our grandmas, friends who are mothers, and our friend's moms on mother's day. It's really not that hard to accept that the woman who also cooks, cleans, and cares for the kids gets some form of kudos on Mother's Day, as well. She fits in the category, by definition past birth, and anyone who says otherwise needs to examine where their judgement is truly coming from.

Oh, and cut that crap out, jealous moms. We'll always get the lesser gift, the forced "happy mother's day" wishes, and the afterthought. You won at the pregnancy and we don't know why you don't get that still. Be proud to be their real mom, and we wish you would be by showing your kids how self-assured and truly loving and accepting you are- by accepting us.

Sexist Hypocricy in Domestic Violence Views

If a woman is abused, in any way shape or form, we are very quick to encourage her to "get out." We don't question her, and we immediately think the worse. We assume she's not lying, and we don't want to delve deeper unless she's close to us or we're in a line of work that is required to do so. We think of how she must be broken, must need support, must need a safe shelter. We jump to sympathy immediately.

Men don't get the same reaction and can't claim the same treatment when the woman is the abuser. They are more likely to hide it and never talk about it, or they are confronted with, 1) disbelief, 2) judgement, 3) accusations of trying to hurt her (make her look bad, project, cast blame), the abuser herself. Why would they report the abuse if that's how we'll react?

We don't believe that a man can be broken like a woman can, and we still strongly hold a belief that a "man" can take care of himself. We forget that not all men are the same, not all men are capable of abuse themselves, and that abuse, as we know so well when it happens to women, breaks a person. Their self-esteem, hope, and will go down the drain. Male or female, abuse hurts, dismantles, destroys.

Some of us stepmoms/second-wives have seen this with our own husbands, myself included. Although he's a man, who looks strong (people assume he "must have been" a football player), no one would ever think that he could be abused. Although he's a man, who must be manly and tough, how could he really be effected by abuse? How could a man suffer like a woman could? Nah, not possible................Right? 

And if she did abuse him, he should have been able to handle it. If she did abuse him, maybe he started it. If she did abuse him, maybe he really caused it by being a bad husband and hurting her at some point. If she did abuse him, he's strong- He could have fought back or protected himself.....

A man may have the strength to "fight back" or "protect himself," but given our biases, who ends up in jail? How about a man who would never fight a woman, doesn't have it in him, and wouldn't even raise a hand? How about a man who is broken by abuse and used to the abuse, and therefore doesn't even know to fight back- much like a woman broken by abuse? We've all seen weak men, but even a strong-looking man can be weak on the inside when his marriage and home becomes a hell for him.

And sometimes, men marry strong women. Women can be strong, and big, and powerful, too. Not to mention, physical objects can help a woman with causing physical abuse. Read some domestic violence police reports, and you'll learn that every object in the house becomes a way for a woman to physically aggress. Women can be bullies (as every woman knows very well), and women can be abusers. (Child abuse from mothers? What? That happens?...Yeah, it does. Daily.) And is it OK for men to be mentally and emotionally abused, but not women? Can a wife escape mental and emotional abuse, but a man should stay?

When is it that we approve of when a man "gets out" of his marriage due to abuse? Is it one year? Three years? A decade? Was it OK for my husband to escape after 8-9 years of "trying", which I found to be 8 years of him losing his self-esteem and, well, self? I discovered his brokenness, I helped him through it simply by recognizing it and addressing it with love, and with the grace of God, he is a strong man (in mind and spirit) now, though he still battles some prior marriage self-esteem relapses. He thought that he could also rescue the kids from the abuse, but was unsuccessful due to the biases and views we still continue to ignorantly hold. The kids are still abused today, and when we try to tell their story and my husband's story, we're met by apathy, disbelief, and questions that show that the person just doesn't think it's "important anymore". ("That was how long ago?", in a tone of "Yeah, well, that wasn't yesterday, so the abuser must be fine now! Oh, and you should be over it by now..." Can you imagine telling an abused wife that what happened to her doesn't matter today, because that was a while ago?)

And yet, I overhear and am a part of conversations monthly, if not more, with and about women who "got out" and won child custody in court due to the "abuse" (any type) they endured. We don't question them, and we deeply care with sympathy in return. We applaud them for their bravery, and shake our heads in dismay when she tells us she didn't get the kids for more time or that the dad still sees them occasionally.

These are the only people I've talked to that understand immediately, without judgement and question: 1) Divorced men themselves, who endured it themselves or have guy friends who have, 2) Stepmoms like me, who discovered what was going on deep down inside of their new husbands and then helped them back into the world, and 3) Family members (usually mothers) of the men who were abused in their marriages. These are the only people that seem to know the truth, and not hold the bias that a man should be strong and the false understanding that men don't get abused by their wives or that it's "not as bad", and therefore should be overlooked completely.

A man may not report to you what happened in his marriage and how he was harmed. He doesn't want to make himself look weak, and men don't even recognize when they're being abused by a woman. You'll hear it in different ways from him, like "she yells a lot" or "she gets angry" or in various small stories. The reason why I recognized what happened to my husband as what it was? I had been abused (just a bit, for a much shorter period of time) before and then learned more about what abuse was. The more I got to know my husband, the more I saw what he had gone through. I knew right away what it was, because I'm a woman and educators in our society focus on informing us, as women, what abuse is and how to see it. Men, on the other hand, know that the information is directed towards women or are not included in those info sessions. Why would they know what it is?

Be aware. Don't cast judgement on a man you don't know by asking questions that belittle his horrible experience. And know that some abusers claim that the other person was the abuser, in order to get scrutiny off of them. The children know which parent is the actual abuser, but can't report it to the court mediator, their other parent (even though the other parent will know what's going on)...because they will get abused. And some children are manipulated by the abuser to project it to the other parent. Children, as well as men, don't know that they're being abused and that they're in a cycle that keeps them from getting out.

Time to take it to the Principal

If a teacher doesn't give you respect, despite the fact that you are also a parent, it may be time to take it to the principal. If you've been involved in the children's lives, taking them to school, helping them with school, caring for them, the parents should handle everything. But even your spouse may not get the respect they deserve as a parent. It may be time to...take it to the principal.

The principal may not care, and they may very much care. But, if you are their parent, you have a right to represent your kids, and yourself as a parent of that child. Parents make huge stinks about much more trivial matters than this.

We've personally noticed a definite lack of awareness and impartial treatment on behalf of K-8 teachers. My stepkids' dad is a nice, gentle, and often quiet man. He gives off no other impression. He works with policemen and firemen for a public sector job. He often informs the teachers of his honorable work and offers goodies and other connections for their classes. The teachers see my stepkids' mom slightly more, but my husband never gives any reason for a teacher to ever suspect that he is anything other than a caring, available dad. He also holds his tongue and doesn't badmouth his ex. But he does simply make a request, at the beginning of each school year, to be included as much as the mother is, to be contacted as well, and to be given separate parent-teacher conferences.

Still, he's been treated year after year as if he's an uninvolved idiot unworthy of the teachers' time. On the other hand, my stepkids' mom is seen chitchatting and laughing with the same teachers, get extra information, extra face time, extra...everything. We've seen teachers act like my husband will steal his own children's school work. The school work that they would take home with him, to his house, directly after an open house or school event...but they take it from him to give to the mom, whom they're not going home with. Other parents are allowed to take the work home....We've been told different stories from the teachers, which later my stepdaughter will tell us what the teacher actually said to them or their mom. We've been directly insulted, after making simple requests out of the best of intentions for the children and the safety of all parties. My husband has been told that he cannot volunteer for classes like the moms, unless he has a talent or skill. And worst of all, he and I have been accused of helping the kids cheat, which never happened, and resulted in one child receiving a horrible grade on a major project.

My husband, as a good and trying father, has never deserved this and continues to not deserve this from public schools and public school teachers. Whatever my stepkids' mom is telling these teachers shouldn't matter, in the least. Their impression,whether imagined on their own or given to them by my stepkids' mom, of my husband or I shouldn't have bearing on how they treat us. And most of all, they should simply respect requests that are made in the best interest of the child's safety, that honor court orders. It is not theirs to judge.