One thing I strongly want you Stepmoms to know and do- something I strongly regret not doing- something I have to pass on to you:
When you have the chance to report something in an official means, do so. If you have the opportunity to get a restraining order, do so.
If the kids' mom follows you, harasses you, taunts you- Get even a sliver of documentation or a witness, or maybe not even that, and file a restraining order. More was done to me, and I regret to this day that I didn't take action when I had the chance. Even the effort of trying to get a restraining order is documented, even if it isn't granted. The attempt alone is worthwhile. Set a precedent that you will take action so that she doesn't try to continue it, escalate it, and frankly, ruin whole portions of your life, well-being, and mental health.
If you are being threatened, if you are being chased, if you are being screamed at: Don't take it like your husband did or does. Protect yourself, even if others- such as cops, in my case- tell you you have no case. A lawyer will tell you you have a case. Years of reading about how often moms file bogus restraining orders tells me we have grounds to take legal action. Use that ability, the law, lawyers, and any protection you can for yourself.
We were in shock. When we- my husband and I- were physically attacked, we were in shock. I cried my head off that whole night. That's when my shaking started. I was shaking out of confusion, anger, more confusion, and complete sadness. I had no idea what had just happened to me and felt like I was just in some sort of ghetto gang experience I was absolutely uncomfortable with, from someone else's life.
Most people (friends, family, coworkers) were amazed, shocked like I was. One person, though, laughed about it and said she felt bad for me but that it sounded like a typical night in her LA neighborhood. The cop (a female) we went to report it to the next night treated us like we were just trying to report an "almost fight", said we "didn't have a case" (they are not allowed to give legal advice, but do), and that it would have been best if I had let her hit me square on so that I could have physical proof of it. (The cop called and talked to her...Returned with a much lighter attitude to us and said, "Is she always that... emotional?" to my husband. From that point, she treated us like real people...)
Technically, the cop was right. On the other hand, it's horrible. Really? In order to have my person protected, I need to be abused first?
Forget that. If you are being threatened, screamed at, cornered, followed: DO NOT LET IT ESCALATE. Don't feel like me. Don't feel trapped. Don't have Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. Don't start shaking and suffering from anxiety attacks for over half a decade every time you go to a school or sports event or the [police station] to pick up the kids.
At the time, I remember a lot of the legalese I read stating that only the familial parties had any rights to protections. Screw that! We live in a litigious society, which ethically and financially sucks, but use it to your advantage in the case of protecting yourself.
And if lawyers or legal means are not an option (which they are- so keep looking, please) then use some of the protections we started considering for my husband, and consequently myself.
Since we were given improper advice and should have taken up counsel immediately, which would have been significantly, entirely useful in court a couple of years later in regards to custody, my husband improvised. He talked to officers he knew and asked for advice. He asked what he could do to protect his family from his ex and her family. They advised:
1) No child exchanges in personal, dark, unmonitored locations. Refuse meeting locations of that sort for eternity, as now you know what the person "might" do. If it is necessary to do an exchange at an unsafe location for some reason, then request officer accompaniment. (Which, we found, quickly caused the ex to say OK to safe locations, because you have to wait for an officer who is available to accompany you.)
2) Try to do all child exchanges at a police station. Do the exchanges IN the police station (find one with an open lobby at all times, then) because THAT's where the microphones AND cameras are. There may be a camera or two in the parking lot, where most people do exchanges, but it may not be on you since a parking lot is larger. You want the lobby where there is both camera coverage and microphones recording audio.
3) Keep communications on email, not in person or over the phone. Not only does she need to be recorded, but she also can't contain herself in person.
4) Leave any situation that isn't safe. This, for us, meant informing the children for quite a number of years that we may need to leave at a moment's notice, and that they are not to argue with us about it. We made it clear that if any of us were in danger, INCLUDING ME, that it was just plain and simple time to go. As a unit, we leave. We only employed this a few times, as the kids seemed to understand.
So, all of these things, by the way, were LAUGHED AT by the kids' mom. She called all of it "ridiculous." She mocked my husband. Ask yourself: What does that say about the person who laughs? If my husband and I were a danger of any sort, or if she wanted to make up that we were, then she would be doing all of these things, right? Yes, plenty of moms do all of these things to make their ex look bad, feel powerless, and feel like he is watched- even if there hasn't been any actual physical violence. SO, use it for yourselves.
Our problem is we're married to the man. The man likes to look tough. The man, father, likes to think and act like he can handle it all. They like to think they have it under control. They don't think of ways to make themselves 1) safe, 2) look better in court, 3) look like the victim. They don't WANT to be the victim. It's "unmanly," but it is also just not how they think. And yet, this is despite knowing that so many of our husbands were abused in some way by their ex spouses, mentally and physically. They are not taught, like many women are increasingly, to be aware of the signs and how to protect themselves. They may have gotten out of the marriage, but that was their way of "getting away from it." Little did they know that an abuser doesn't let anyone get away from it, as so many women's and child services and protection groups know. Abusers chase you down, because all they wanted was to control you and you stepping away from the marriage? That didn't end it. Just like if a battered woman tries to leave her marriage- It isn't successful, and he tries to find her.... Well, guess what? It's the same-damn-thing for female abusers. They're not going to leave you alone. They're going to show you that they can control your children. They're also going to start abusing and targetting the new wife, YOU. You have just joined the target, becoming a bigger- and much easier target.
But your husband doesn't realize that. He for some reason thinks you will be separate from his mess. He thinks he is a man, and therefore can "handle" his ex <chuckle> but that you are just with him and you will start your new life together....(Oh, and that his children are his, too, and that they will never forget how much he loves them....)
And unfortunately, you as a new wife, in a weird situation, will take his advice. He knows her, right? He knows what she's like, right? He knows her boundaries, right?
No. He doesn't. Men are naive to the capabilities of their exes. He may have yet to learn the fury of a scorned woman, but more specifically- He was somewhat blind to the abuse in the first place. Men don't recognize and identify abuse and aren't trained to. He knew it was a hellish marriage, but doesn't know the patterns, signs, and what he was actually married to. Therefore, he is unable to characterize her in general or predict what could happen post-divorce. As many books and the experts behind them state, and as any stepmom who's been married for a couple of years can attest to, ex-wives can flare up later when 1) during the divorce proceedings or a later custody battle, 2) a new girlfriend enters the scene, 3) engagement or marriage, 4) pregnancy of the new wife, 5) and even when they get remarried. Court filings correlate with these events, as well. (The majority- as in an 80-90 percentile majority- of divorce and custody filings are by women, aka Mom. And also, we as a society fail to remember that most domestic violence calls include both the male and the female committing violence, and that police house calls due to disturbances include equal amounts of male and female offenders.)
The man, over and over again, wrongly assumes that as time goes on, she will calm down and things will normalize. Well, if she's an abuser... No. If she still wants to control you, and has been able to through court and the kids for some time, she is still maintaining that abuse in different ways. And her added bonus? A Stepmom who is sometimes on her own. I am open game.
For years following that incident, and still now but to a lesser degree, I was followed. She made it very clear that she was there, near me, next to me, and maintaining her threat. She is much larger than I am, (which is amusing because I always thought I was too tall and too big!) and very clearly knew and showed that. She smirked at me a lot, as she does when she knows she has the ultimate power. She made it very clear to me that she was present, closer than necessary to me, and purposely so. "Hovering," if you will. If you think I may be a tad paranoid, I actually have witnesses- who witnessed it before I was close friends with them and were unbiased until they made their own conclusions. It's her way, it's something she does. She's never tried to be friendly to me; she's never tried anything humane. Nothing happened where we knew each other and then she got mad about it. She never tried to get to know me, but simply turned me into a bullseye of some of the crap she previously aimed at her ex-husband.
Someone who is an abuser doesn't learn easily. They don't get the hint or understand that they should stop. They don't realize that they are damaging themselves by continuing the behavior and pushing people (including normal bystanders) away. They alienate themselves very easily, which she does with ease. She blames her problems on everyone else, and I am the biggest problem most of the time. And that is possibly never going to stop.
But I could have protected myself, and should have. I missed my opportunity to take action. An abuser can at least be contained, as many women are able to do to just an angry ex-spouse that shouldn't belong in the true abuse category. I was under the advisement of someone who naively thought that she had boundaries, ("I never thought she would ever do that..." is one of the things my shocked husband said at the time. "I never thought she was capable of trying to hurt someone," despite the fact that she was a rager- which means it was only a matter of time.) On top of that, your husband is driven by the fear that they will lose their kids. Many men fear taking action because they think it will cause retaliation. But your safety is being overlooked. You're both not thinking of it as a harassment personal issue against you and instead thinking of it as a custody issue. I shouldn't have been duped by the wrong female cop who said she would do a full report we could use later and didn't, and I shouldn't have waited for her to leave a mark on me. I shouldn't have had to endure years of her being way too close to me, following me, hovering over me, and making me feel trapped. None of it had to happen, and I didn't need to develop an ongoing anxiety problem.
Take action when you get the opportunity. Take action the first time. Take action the second time. Make sure that you do something, especially if it can be legal and official. Don't let the chance to control her back, and keep her away from you, pass you by. Ex-wives don't tolerate a sliver of this behavior from their exes, so take a page from their book instead of your husband's for this one.
Monday, September 23, 2013
Monday, July 29, 2013
Are you needed? Is he?
Where are you needed?
Where is your husband needed?
Like really, really needed. As in your husband has to be present or both of you must be there for your step daughter or son?
More and more couples have 50/50 custody of the kids, so I fear that my blog posts will start to become passe! But I know there are still some of you out there- many of you- who are like us. You got a crap custody order from a court that still believed in the mom-parenting bias ("kids must be with mom"). And if you're also still like us, you've given up. We could go back and try our shot at the family court roulette, knowing full well that the courts are finally starting to move towards more even, fair agreements to fully capable parents (though not all, not all states, and not all counties...Who knows which way the winds will blow!) But our kids are older and they are to the point where no matter how much money (and our lives) we spent on a lawyer, court prep, and the court mediation joke, the kids will make the decision based on their age and the level of manipulation they've sustained. One word: Pointless.
We are seen as unneeded, and nearly nonexistent, a majority of the time. My husband and I are extras in my stepdaughters' lives, though when with us, its clear that my husband is very important to them (well, off and on...they're teens, after all). Overall though, through many years, we're very aware that life would go on without him in their lives, which is very painful. Despite that, he didn't focus on his career, a new family, and move away as many dads do when they realize they are no longer allowed to be a part of the picture. He just maintained that he would be there, present, continuing the visits and every-other-weekends, despite our lack of necessity.
So imagine our surprise when he gets frantic calls and texts from his ex that he is needed for a signature!
That is shocking. For years, especially on forms that required "both parents' signatures," my husband, who lives locally and sees the kids about every other day (and has joint legal custody....), was not asked to sign a damn thing. We literally see them almost every other day, so there has always been opportunity for "both parents" to sign nearly every single school and sport form that ever crossed their mom's path. But, the kids never mentioned such forms, their mom never gave them, and we usually saw them after the trip, event, or registration. When it was too late, we had the joy of pointing out to the kids "Hey, um, so when a form says "both parents must sign"...That means your Dad. Did you know this is your Dad?" (Ok, well that last part wasn't in there, but he and I both honestly wonder if they really know that sometimes. For many years there, they were being convinced that their stepdad replaced their useless, real dad, and stepdad signed all forms despite joint legal custody and joint physical custody. There were, sadly, many conversations about what a Dad is, what he can do for them, and why he was still there. Very, very sad.)
So, can you now imagine our surprise? Can you glean our shock?
Turns out that in our state, it is a REQUIREMENT that both physical, actual, biological, official, government-recognized parents MUST sign before a 16 year old takes the drivers permit test.
Both of us had the exact same reaction: Oh. So...you are needed. You are necessary. I sort of wish he'd returned the form and said something to the effect of, "I'm glad my local presence turned out to be useful."
Side note: If you haven't figured out by now, this blog is depressing if you're not in this situation. If you are, you totally relate and you laughed at some of this. You're just happy to read someone else's discovery and moment of slight importance.
Unfortunately, I don't have anything to sign. There aren't any forms that ask for stepmom's signature, that I know of. It's probably better that way, as I wouldn't want a paper trail. =)
But in the meantime, it was actually quite wonderful for my husband to be requested and HIS signature needed, even for something so trivial. That is how much your parenting-self-esteem is diminished in this lifestyle. Maybe there will be more required signatures, that will require his presence and ability to use a pen.
I would now like to thank the state of California for being so gender inclusive on their official documentation. This is the second instance I've heard of recently in which the state has made it a requirement for both parents to sign documentation. (Don't try to ship your kids off to publicly-paid-for military school without the ex's signature...And no, I wasn't the one who tried it!)
Where is your husband needed?
Like really, really needed. As in your husband has to be present or both of you must be there for your step daughter or son?
More and more couples have 50/50 custody of the kids, so I fear that my blog posts will start to become passe! But I know there are still some of you out there- many of you- who are like us. You got a crap custody order from a court that still believed in the mom-parenting bias ("kids must be with mom"). And if you're also still like us, you've given up. We could go back and try our shot at the family court roulette, knowing full well that the courts are finally starting to move towards more even, fair agreements to fully capable parents (though not all, not all states, and not all counties...Who knows which way the winds will blow!) But our kids are older and they are to the point where no matter how much money (and our lives) we spent on a lawyer, court prep, and the court mediation joke, the kids will make the decision based on their age and the level of manipulation they've sustained. One word: Pointless.
We are seen as unneeded, and nearly nonexistent, a majority of the time. My husband and I are extras in my stepdaughters' lives, though when with us, its clear that my husband is very important to them (well, off and on...they're teens, after all). Overall though, through many years, we're very aware that life would go on without him in their lives, which is very painful. Despite that, he didn't focus on his career, a new family, and move away as many dads do when they realize they are no longer allowed to be a part of the picture. He just maintained that he would be there, present, continuing the visits and every-other-weekends, despite our lack of necessity.
So imagine our surprise when he gets frantic calls and texts from his ex that he is needed for a signature!
That is shocking. For years, especially on forms that required "both parents' signatures," my husband, who lives locally and sees the kids about every other day (and has joint legal custody....), was not asked to sign a damn thing. We literally see them almost every other day, so there has always been opportunity for "both parents" to sign nearly every single school and sport form that ever crossed their mom's path. But, the kids never mentioned such forms, their mom never gave them, and we usually saw them after the trip, event, or registration. When it was too late, we had the joy of pointing out to the kids "Hey, um, so when a form says "both parents must sign"...That means your Dad. Did you know this is your Dad?" (Ok, well that last part wasn't in there, but he and I both honestly wonder if they really know that sometimes. For many years there, they were being convinced that their stepdad replaced their useless, real dad, and stepdad signed all forms despite joint legal custody and joint physical custody. There were, sadly, many conversations about what a Dad is, what he can do for them, and why he was still there. Very, very sad.)
So, can you now imagine our surprise? Can you glean our shock?
Turns out that in our state, it is a REQUIREMENT that both physical, actual, biological, official, government-recognized parents MUST sign before a 16 year old takes the drivers permit test.
Both of us had the exact same reaction: Oh. So...you are needed. You are necessary. I sort of wish he'd returned the form and said something to the effect of, "I'm glad my local presence turned out to be useful."
Side note: If you haven't figured out by now, this blog is depressing if you're not in this situation. If you are, you totally relate and you laughed at some of this. You're just happy to read someone else's discovery and moment of slight importance.
Unfortunately, I don't have anything to sign. There aren't any forms that ask for stepmom's signature, that I know of. It's probably better that way, as I wouldn't want a paper trail. =)
But in the meantime, it was actually quite wonderful for my husband to be requested and HIS signature needed, even for something so trivial. That is how much your parenting-self-esteem is diminished in this lifestyle. Maybe there will be more required signatures, that will require his presence and ability to use a pen.
I would now like to thank the state of California for being so gender inclusive on their official documentation. This is the second instance I've heard of recently in which the state has made it a requirement for both parents to sign documentation. (Don't try to ship your kids off to publicly-paid-for military school without the ex's signature...And no, I wasn't the one who tried it!)
Minor Mistakes
I've made mistakes.
We've all made mistakes.
You make a lot of "mistakes" as a stepmom.
As I've heard from the considerate and compassionate, you also make a lot of mistakes as a parent.
Are they really mistakes if you didn't really know, have never done it before, and you're just trying things out? In retrospect they are mistakes, but at the time you were doing what you thought would work. Knowing you made a mistake does not send you into the bad stepmom category, just like mistakes as a parent or spouse, adult or child are a part of life.
I know of my "mistakes" even though I know that it was just what I knew what to do. It's who I was, or it is who I am. I was a different person back then, back when I first started my marriage and stepmom life. I am a different person now, as we all age and grow, whether we're parents or stepparents.
My mistakes weren't really that bad. They were just judged as horrible by people who had no right to judge, and by kids who really don't know what a stepmom should or shouldn't be themselves. Every kid would like to dictate to their parent how they would like their parent to be, but I'm fairly certain that even if a kid was able to do control their parent in that way, they still wouldn't be happy. It's just common to not like your parents, and it is even more common to not like extra parents you never expected to have. And if you do like your parents, you still wish something would change or they could be different in some way... There's always that. It's a part of growing up and the development of independent thinking.
My mistakes were not pivotal. Sometimes I wonder if they were, and after discussion with my husband or friends, realize that they were choices or mistakes made with others in tow (a joint decision with my husband, the real parent), with others in agreement, or with others providing the feedback that they also wouldn't know what to do. Frankly, most stepparenting decisions, although they have been encountered by many others in some way shape or form, do not have step-by-step guides. Some people post things of that nature out there (thanks, stepmom life coaches for finding that niche market...) but nearly any time I read a "how-to-stepparent/mom" list out there, there are fatal holes in it that just do-not-apply to me. My actions truly related to whatever was happening at the time, whatever my stepkids were like at the time, whatever my spouse wanted at the time, and our general environment. So, that's just the way it went.
I've mentioned some of these historical mistakes with apologies to my husband. He usually laughs them off, immediately stating that it was either a mistake that was called for or not a mistake at all. He used to often say statements of "it was what we needed to do at the time." He's right, and we need to keep that in perspective. My minor mistakes (yes, they were minor) were without future information that no one would have. No one would guess or know what would happen 1 year, 2 years, 3 years down the line. We're still guessing, and we still have no idea.
We have to keep living in the world we're living in, and not living in a past world of choices we couldn't know the result of.
We've all made mistakes.
You make a lot of "mistakes" as a stepmom.
As I've heard from the considerate and compassionate, you also make a lot of mistakes as a parent.
Are they really mistakes if you didn't really know, have never done it before, and you're just trying things out? In retrospect they are mistakes, but at the time you were doing what you thought would work. Knowing you made a mistake does not send you into the bad stepmom category, just like mistakes as a parent or spouse, adult or child are a part of life.
I know of my "mistakes" even though I know that it was just what I knew what to do. It's who I was, or it is who I am. I was a different person back then, back when I first started my marriage and stepmom life. I am a different person now, as we all age and grow, whether we're parents or stepparents.
My mistakes weren't really that bad. They were just judged as horrible by people who had no right to judge, and by kids who really don't know what a stepmom should or shouldn't be themselves. Every kid would like to dictate to their parent how they would like their parent to be, but I'm fairly certain that even if a kid was able to do control their parent in that way, they still wouldn't be happy. It's just common to not like your parents, and it is even more common to not like extra parents you never expected to have. And if you do like your parents, you still wish something would change or they could be different in some way... There's always that. It's a part of growing up and the development of independent thinking.
My mistakes were not pivotal. Sometimes I wonder if they were, and after discussion with my husband or friends, realize that they were choices or mistakes made with others in tow (a joint decision with my husband, the real parent), with others in agreement, or with others providing the feedback that they also wouldn't know what to do. Frankly, most stepparenting decisions, although they have been encountered by many others in some way shape or form, do not have step-by-step guides. Some people post things of that nature out there (thanks, stepmom life coaches for finding that niche market...) but nearly any time I read a "how-to-stepparent/mom" list out there, there are fatal holes in it that just do-not-apply to me. My actions truly related to whatever was happening at the time, whatever my stepkids were like at the time, whatever my spouse wanted at the time, and our general environment. So, that's just the way it went.
I've mentioned some of these historical mistakes with apologies to my husband. He usually laughs them off, immediately stating that it was either a mistake that was called for or not a mistake at all. He used to often say statements of "it was what we needed to do at the time." He's right, and we need to keep that in perspective. My minor mistakes (yes, they were minor) were without future information that no one would have. No one would guess or know what would happen 1 year, 2 years, 3 years down the line. We're still guessing, and we still have no idea.
We have to keep living in the world we're living in, and not living in a past world of choices we couldn't know the result of.
Sunday, May 26, 2013
Try As You Might
There is an assumption that if you are a good, nice, sweet, giving stepmom, you will be treated as such. There is an in-kind assumption that if your stepkids treat you as a good, nice, sweet, and giving stepmom, you must be OK (or bribing them). There is an equal but opposite assumption that if your stepkids treat you horribly, you must be a terrible, evil stepmom.
Any stepmom reading this should know what the truth is.
It doesn't matter how giving you are or how sweet you try to be. You have likely gone through multiple cycles of trying really hard to be the best you can be, the sweetest wife and stepmom and semi-friend ever, only to find that it had no effect. You may have even kept it up for years. And then when you realize it had no effect, you wonder what's wrong with you. What you're doing wrong. What you could have done better. Why your stepkids still treat you as the evil stepmom you've tried so hard not to be.
We have a teen now. She doesn't use me for all that I could offer her. It bothers me that she doesn't know how much I could help or support or be there for her, as an alternate to her parents. Some have judged that. They think that she must not see me that way, because I was horrible or because of something I did. And they have ideas and theories as to how that happened. They've seen or heard so little of our lives, that I can't put any weight behind those theories. But, thinking about it, interacting with her on a normal basis, and thinking back to all of the years together, I know that I offered my help, shared things with her, and was there for her. And despite that, I'm still not looked at or used as the resource I could be by her. I was the one here, with her, week after week. I know what I tried, I know what she resisted, I know our moments together, and I know "our truth."
I know that I am up against a strong-willed, fearful mother that holds her teen as the secret of her happiness for some reason. She lives vicariously through her. I know that there is pressure for her daughter to put her mother first, act like they are in a mother-daughter clique, and mock the stepmom as the outsider. I know that my stepdaughter has absolutely seen what I can offer her and be to her, but she chooses to ignore it to a hurtful degree. It's most strange, but shows the power of motherhood, that she continues the charade even when away from mom 7 years later. She must have learned her lesson the first year she got to know me, when she imitated me, wore my clothes, and followed me around. I know that something happened way back then that changed our relationship forever, and that was back when I was trying unbelievably hard to be unrealistically perfect.
The stepmom articles are wrong. Even if you just try to be a friend, it doesn't mean it will have any effect. It is misleading to put that expectation on us, just like our families have unrealistic expectations of our behavior, reactions, and tolerance.
Any stepmom reading this should know what the truth is.
It doesn't matter how giving you are or how sweet you try to be. You have likely gone through multiple cycles of trying really hard to be the best you can be, the sweetest wife and stepmom and semi-friend ever, only to find that it had no effect. You may have even kept it up for years. And then when you realize it had no effect, you wonder what's wrong with you. What you're doing wrong. What you could have done better. Why your stepkids still treat you as the evil stepmom you've tried so hard not to be.
We have a teen now. She doesn't use me for all that I could offer her. It bothers me that she doesn't know how much I could help or support or be there for her, as an alternate to her parents. Some have judged that. They think that she must not see me that way, because I was horrible or because of something I did. And they have ideas and theories as to how that happened. They've seen or heard so little of our lives, that I can't put any weight behind those theories. But, thinking about it, interacting with her on a normal basis, and thinking back to all of the years together, I know that I offered my help, shared things with her, and was there for her. And despite that, I'm still not looked at or used as the resource I could be by her. I was the one here, with her, week after week. I know what I tried, I know what she resisted, I know our moments together, and I know "our truth."
I know that I am up against a strong-willed, fearful mother that holds her teen as the secret of her happiness for some reason. She lives vicariously through her. I know that there is pressure for her daughter to put her mother first, act like they are in a mother-daughter clique, and mock the stepmom as the outsider. I know that my stepdaughter has absolutely seen what I can offer her and be to her, but she chooses to ignore it to a hurtful degree. It's most strange, but shows the power of motherhood, that she continues the charade even when away from mom 7 years later. She must have learned her lesson the first year she got to know me, when she imitated me, wore my clothes, and followed me around. I know that something happened way back then that changed our relationship forever, and that was back when I was trying unbelievably hard to be unrealistically perfect.
The stepmom articles are wrong. Even if you just try to be a friend, it doesn't mean it will have any effect. It is misleading to put that expectation on us, just like our families have unrealistic expectations of our behavior, reactions, and tolerance.
Wednesday, May 22, 2013
Blogging
I don't do this blog for me. I don't remember there being a time where it was for me. I reread a quote on an empty blog (no posts, just page setup) that said that writing a blog is cathartic and good for you. It stated that it will help you (the writer).
I've never had that intention. If I wanted to write for myself, I would definitely make it private. I'd use one of those cool journal apps. I could even make this blog private. I'm a fan of journaling for my own good, and I probably should do that more often.
But that is not what this blog is. If you've noticed, I don't post recipes here. (And if I have, it was because it was related to something else or it was just that awesome...Correct me if I have actually posted recipes here, because apparently I've posted a lot and I don't feel like going through all of the posts right now...) I don't just post cute stories or thoughts. That sounds lovely, and I wish this blog was just a bunch of wickedly funny pictures of kittens doing crazy things.
This blog is aimed at the target audience of stepmoms, like myself.
It has shaped itself to be a commentary on stepmom knowledge, literature, and experiences. The more I read, whether from social science or social media and web forums, the more it shapes this blog. I use my own experiences to illustrate, but this would be a very boring blog if I just shared my day-to-day strife. Sometimes I feel like sharing pieces of that strife, but with a greater intention and purpose.
There is a missing piece of criticism and critical analysis of the stepmom literature and discussions occurring currently. It is also infantile- Very few books existed when I became a stepmom, and although the number has probably tripled, it is still small in scope. Yet, a vast percentage of women are stepmoms. How much mom literature is out there? Much more important topics, I know. Babies and all that...But stepmoms aren't new. Only the discussion is.
Maybe not every post is terribly insightful. Sometimes I am just trying to share something important, like a blog or book of great worth to women like me. Yet overall, the intention of my blog is to be critical of what we know, what we are told, and what we see as stepmoms. And in that, I also try to weave my own advice in along with a general summary of the advice of many others, whether professionals or the large numbers of stepmoms I read and talk to regularly.
The end game? I am actually trying to shape the conversation somewhat, and possibly influence future stepmom literature and dialogue.
Thanks for reading, anyways. Sorry about the lack of recipes and hilarious kitten pics. I know it's disappointing. BUT Feel free to suggest topics that you feel are not addressed, or are addressed poorly in the stepmom/stepparenting web-&-lit-o-sphere. (Interaction, communication, and collaboration? Also very healthy.)
I've never had that intention. If I wanted to write for myself, I would definitely make it private. I'd use one of those cool journal apps. I could even make this blog private. I'm a fan of journaling for my own good, and I probably should do that more often.
But that is not what this blog is. If you've noticed, I don't post recipes here. (And if I have, it was because it was related to something else or it was just that awesome...Correct me if I have actually posted recipes here, because apparently I've posted a lot and I don't feel like going through all of the posts right now...) I don't just post cute stories or thoughts. That sounds lovely, and I wish this blog was just a bunch of wickedly funny pictures of kittens doing crazy things.
This blog is aimed at the target audience of stepmoms, like myself.
It has shaped itself to be a commentary on stepmom knowledge, literature, and experiences. The more I read, whether from social science or social media and web forums, the more it shapes this blog. I use my own experiences to illustrate, but this would be a very boring blog if I just shared my day-to-day strife. Sometimes I feel like sharing pieces of that strife, but with a greater intention and purpose.
There is a missing piece of criticism and critical analysis of the stepmom literature and discussions occurring currently. It is also infantile- Very few books existed when I became a stepmom, and although the number has probably tripled, it is still small in scope. Yet, a vast percentage of women are stepmoms. How much mom literature is out there? Much more important topics, I know. Babies and all that...But stepmoms aren't new. Only the discussion is.
Maybe not every post is terribly insightful. Sometimes I am just trying to share something important, like a blog or book of great worth to women like me. Yet overall, the intention of my blog is to be critical of what we know, what we are told, and what we see as stepmoms. And in that, I also try to weave my own advice in along with a general summary of the advice of many others, whether professionals or the large numbers of stepmoms I read and talk to regularly.
The end game? I am actually trying to shape the conversation somewhat, and possibly influence future stepmom literature and dialogue.
Thanks for reading, anyways. Sorry about the lack of recipes and hilarious kitten pics. I know it's disappointing. BUT Feel free to suggest topics that you feel are not addressed, or are addressed poorly in the stepmom/stepparenting web-&-lit-o-sphere. (Interaction, communication, and collaboration? Also very healthy.)
Keepin Busy
I do a lot of stuff.
I've always done a lot of stuff.
I hate not doing a ton of stuff.
It is intrinsic to my nature.
It is clear to me that someone does not know me if they advise me to take up hobbies or focus on my interests.
My stepmom life continues, whether I keep busy or not. Drama in stepfamily world happens, whether I'm busy or not.
I cannot overstate that I do a lot of stuff. I do keep busy. Many of the busy things are things for me, or only include me, or include my husband and I, involve socializing and fun, or maybe even include my stepkids.
I advise on this blog regularly that you find things for you, to do, to keep you busy and keep your mind occupied and distracted. At some point, you will start to lose it, and your marriage, if you don't have anything else going on. If you stopped seeing friends, if you stopped doing your hobbies, if you haven't picked up any new ones, or if you just stopped being you...You're not being your best self. You buried a part of you, and it will come out raging later and make you question your marriage and all that you sacrificed.
I know that you might be busy like me. But don't make excuses for not going out, going to an event with friends, or doing girl-time or other adult-level, your-age-group socializing. The kids dad CAN absolutely take care of the kids. You CAN ask him to come home, take some time off, or order a pizza instead. You CAN serve them dinner and then skedaddle, letting Dad put the kids to bed. You can let it happen, you can make it happen, and you'll find out it wasn't that hard afterall. You'll realize that the kids enjoy their dad, and that you ARE allowed to have a life.
I think I've heard of "mom guilt" before. I definitely see "dad guilt" all the time, though it is mostly unwarranted and unhelpful. Well, there's stepmom guilt. I felt it any time even considered a social outing with friends or business travel when my skids were little. I felt like I had to be there, had to make dinner, and had to take care of them. This was particularly ridiculous considering we're only every-other-weekend parents, but I still had it, and I now see it from a lot of other newer stepmoms. Seems to be an under-5-year thing, but it is particularly strong in the first 2 years, which is precisely the time frame when you should absolutely be continuing some friend/girl time.
The first 2 years are such a huge transition- almost to the point of insanity, as most of us experienced. The first 2 years include moving away, leaving your past, and being just too far away from friends and family. They include taking on other people's kids, who you may like, but are very clearly not yours (sometimes stated overtly by them, other times made apparent by their upbringing and behavior...), joining a man in his home, possible the home he shared with his ex-wife, or joining the community of his ex-wife. Your first 2 years of marriage truly include entering a world that is not yours. PLUS there's the marriage part. Minor detail.
Three, four, five years later, don't find yourself looking back, realizing that you could have been investing in your friendships still and other relationships, as your stepkids are still there, your husband is still there, and whether they like you or not at that point, you still have a social life to live.
You'll realize it at one point or another, but I'd really like it if you knew it right away so that you could stop canceling out on girls night with the stepmoms that are long past this realization. If you kept up your you-time now, you'll be healthier later.
I've always done a lot of stuff.
I hate not doing a ton of stuff.
It is intrinsic to my nature.
It is clear to me that someone does not know me if they advise me to take up hobbies or focus on my interests.
My stepmom life continues, whether I keep busy or not. Drama in stepfamily world happens, whether I'm busy or not.
I cannot overstate that I do a lot of stuff. I do keep busy. Many of the busy things are things for me, or only include me, or include my husband and I, involve socializing and fun, or maybe even include my stepkids.
I advise on this blog regularly that you find things for you, to do, to keep you busy and keep your mind occupied and distracted. At some point, you will start to lose it, and your marriage, if you don't have anything else going on. If you stopped seeing friends, if you stopped doing your hobbies, if you haven't picked up any new ones, or if you just stopped being you...You're not being your best self. You buried a part of you, and it will come out raging later and make you question your marriage and all that you sacrificed.
I know that you might be busy like me. But don't make excuses for not going out, going to an event with friends, or doing girl-time or other adult-level, your-age-group socializing. The kids dad CAN absolutely take care of the kids. You CAN ask him to come home, take some time off, or order a pizza instead. You CAN serve them dinner and then skedaddle, letting Dad put the kids to bed. You can let it happen, you can make it happen, and you'll find out it wasn't that hard afterall. You'll realize that the kids enjoy their dad, and that you ARE allowed to have a life.
I think I've heard of "mom guilt" before. I definitely see "dad guilt" all the time, though it is mostly unwarranted and unhelpful. Well, there's stepmom guilt. I felt it any time even considered a social outing with friends or business travel when my skids were little. I felt like I had to be there, had to make dinner, and had to take care of them. This was particularly ridiculous considering we're only every-other-weekend parents, but I still had it, and I now see it from a lot of other newer stepmoms. Seems to be an under-5-year thing, but it is particularly strong in the first 2 years, which is precisely the time frame when you should absolutely be continuing some friend/girl time.
The first 2 years are such a huge transition- almost to the point of insanity, as most of us experienced. The first 2 years include moving away, leaving your past, and being just too far away from friends and family. They include taking on other people's kids, who you may like, but are very clearly not yours (sometimes stated overtly by them, other times made apparent by their upbringing and behavior...), joining a man in his home, possible the home he shared with his ex-wife, or joining the community of his ex-wife. Your first 2 years of marriage truly include entering a world that is not yours. PLUS there's the marriage part. Minor detail.
Three, four, five years later, don't find yourself looking back, realizing that you could have been investing in your friendships still and other relationships, as your stepkids are still there, your husband is still there, and whether they like you or not at that point, you still have a social life to live.
You'll realize it at one point or another, but I'd really like it if you knew it right away so that you could stop canceling out on girls night with the stepmoms that are long past this realization. If you kept up your you-time now, you'll be healthier later.
Strong Fathers
If your husband has a hard time parenting/being a parent to/guiding/talking to/understanding his daughters, buy him this book in the format he may actually read (or listen to) immediately:
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know by Meg Meeker
If he won't read it, read it together. If he won't listen to it, listen to it together on a road trip.
There's a challenge workbook that goes along with it, if you feel so inclined:
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: The 30 Day Challenge
Meg Meeker's book is based on social science and research. It is not a Dr. Phil TV show. It's real, and it will wake him up as a dad.
Don't get it for him for Father's Day. Get it now, and help him understand what Father's Day really means when the day gets here.
Why is he not much of a dad to them?
He doesn't know how to be. He is scared to be. He fears their moods and their possible dislike of him.
Our culture tells us that dads are of trivial importance to a daughter in comparison to mom. Plus, the court judges, lawyers, and mediators tell us the same. The statistics say the same. And likely, his daughters will say and show the same choice.
Many men may not even know what being a father looks like, if their own father left or they've had to redefine it. We also live in a time of "just keep the kids happy" in order to avoid their wrath. Fathering has definitely changed in definition today.
This book will empower him and help him understand how important he is.
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: 10 Secrets Every Father Should Know by Meg Meeker
If he won't read it, read it together. If he won't listen to it, listen to it together on a road trip.
There's a challenge workbook that goes along with it, if you feel so inclined:
Strong Fathers, Strong Daughters: The 30 Day Challenge
Meg Meeker's book is based on social science and research. It is not a Dr. Phil TV show. It's real, and it will wake him up as a dad.
Don't get it for him for Father's Day. Get it now, and help him understand what Father's Day really means when the day gets here.
Why is he not much of a dad to them?
He doesn't know how to be. He is scared to be. He fears their moods and their possible dislike of him.
Our culture tells us that dads are of trivial importance to a daughter in comparison to mom. Plus, the court judges, lawyers, and mediators tell us the same. The statistics say the same. And likely, his daughters will say and show the same choice.
Many men may not even know what being a father looks like, if their own father left or they've had to redefine it. We also live in a time of "just keep the kids happy" in order to avoid their wrath. Fathering has definitely changed in definition today.
This book will empower him and help him understand how important he is.
Thursday, May 9, 2013
True Stepmom Gifts
Dear Husbands,
Although you may be lovingly aware of what your wife has given up for you, just to be with you- And although you of course tell her alllll the time about how thankful you are that she joined you and your children instead of starting a fresh life with someone else- Think of getting her something from you for Mother's Day, beyond just the children's gifts. And if things are difficult in your marriage right now, lately, or this past year, then this is direly important.
(And yes, definitely, the children should also be giving her something as well, as belief follows action...This shouldn't even be questioned. Although your wife is not their "real" mom, she still does things for them, often playing the mom role in the absence of their mom, and thus deserves the partial mom title, whether the children agree or not. Children don't agree with most as it is, so don't let them question this. And you current wife performs "mom" in a different way, which will always be seen as "not mom" for the rest of their lives despite the truth that she is still being a "mom" to them during your custodial time.)
Make the gift from you meaningful, as she chose to be a stepmom because of her love for you. She chooses to put her neck on the line daily, risking interactions with your ex-wife, getting attacked by your ex-wife, and also getting attacked, ridiculed, and even humiliated by your children in front of others...She watches as the children she wished were hers, with you, get more and more distant or fight to even be around her. So think of what she gave up for you, and then make this gift meaningful in response to that.
Given that each woman and couple are different, there are "big" gifts you could give her that specifically relate to her. I can't tell you what those are, whether it would be alma mater gear from the school friends she moved away from, a trip to see her friends or family, or replacing something she lost when she married you and moved. Maybe a trip to somewhere you went together, pre-ex-wife-and-kids reality. There are probably many thoughtful, specially meaningful things you could give her in honor of her dedication to you and your kids despite it all.
But beyond those entirely thoughtful ideas, consider de-stress gifts, such as spa day- alone, with friends, or with her mom or sister. If spa certificates or reservations are too much for your budget, there are spa-like gifts out there, such as massage oils, aromatherapy, soothing lotions, and soft, sensual robes or super soft pajamas. Make it clear that you are trying to help her relax, and that you want her to have some down time- that it is OK for her to have some rest and self time.
What is her favorite thing to do? Buy gear or accessories related to it, set up a day of it, or buy gift certificates for her to do it.
What is her favorite store that you and the kids just can't stand and vocally complain about? That's the store you should buy her something from or take her shopping at.
What is the restaurant that your ex tells the kids is too expensive or too fancy for you two to go to? That's where you should go with her, on a night without the kids- or with if you purposefully want that report to go back. What is the restaurant that your kids have turned into a place you can't go anymore, for whatever kid reason? That is also another candidate for dinner out.
What is something that you two haven't done together in a super long time? Maybe it was just lunch together, brunch, hiking, sitting at a lake, or some activity- Do it. Plan it. Make it happen on Mother's Day.
Mother's Day is a really, really rough day for stepmoms. I do occasionally read how a stepmom doesn't care anymore. I only partially believe it, because I know how I feel and I read a great deal many more Facebook posts every Mother's Day from stepmoms talking about how horrible they feel and how they wish it all can change, which they know it won't, and that they stay anyways. In fact, every Mother's Day, in every Stepmom group there is, there's at least one discussion post from the moderator asking if everyone survived. Beyond that, there is article after article posted about how to "get through" Mother's Day for stepmoms. You may not know this, because you're not allowed in (they're private and closed, to ward off court-centric ex-wives), so I'm letting you know that how your wife feels and acts is extremely common. In fact, I strangely have the same conversations with stepmoms over and over again, and each time the stepmoms involved are just amazed that others feel the same way and think the same thing. Despite our differences, your wife isn't especially crazy or difficult. she's just in an especially difficult situation.
Despite whatever happened this year, despite whatever your wife (the current one you want to keep, remember?) did or didn't do, despite whatever anger has been between you, and despite whatever your kids hold against her, she is still the woman you married and enjoyed pre-kids and your ever-present ex-wife (whether nearby or as channeled through your kids and your phone). She is still there, but she is in a confusing state and strange world that has until recently been kept hidden and hated. She is only responding as she thinks she should, and trying so hard despite wanting to give up.
You are her encouragement, and she needs you. But most of all, she really needs you to make her feel loved on Mother's Day- and not necessarily (but maybe) in the Valentine's Day way. Figure out what is missing now, what she really needs, and what will honor her attempt to be the third wheel in your family experiment.
Although you may be lovingly aware of what your wife has given up for you, just to be with you- And although you of course tell her alllll the time about how thankful you are that she joined you and your children instead of starting a fresh life with someone else- Think of getting her something from you for Mother's Day, beyond just the children's gifts. And if things are difficult in your marriage right now, lately, or this past year, then this is direly important.
(And yes, definitely, the children should also be giving her something as well, as belief follows action...This shouldn't even be questioned. Although your wife is not their "real" mom, she still does things for them, often playing the mom role in the absence of their mom, and thus deserves the partial mom title, whether the children agree or not. Children don't agree with most as it is, so don't let them question this. And you current wife performs "mom" in a different way, which will always be seen as "not mom" for the rest of their lives despite the truth that she is still being a "mom" to them during your custodial time.)
Make the gift from you meaningful, as she chose to be a stepmom because of her love for you. She chooses to put her neck on the line daily, risking interactions with your ex-wife, getting attacked by your ex-wife, and also getting attacked, ridiculed, and even humiliated by your children in front of others...She watches as the children she wished were hers, with you, get more and more distant or fight to even be around her. So think of what she gave up for you, and then make this gift meaningful in response to that.
Given that each woman and couple are different, there are "big" gifts you could give her that specifically relate to her. I can't tell you what those are, whether it would be alma mater gear from the school friends she moved away from, a trip to see her friends or family, or replacing something she lost when she married you and moved. Maybe a trip to somewhere you went together, pre-ex-wife-and-kids reality. There are probably many thoughtful, specially meaningful things you could give her in honor of her dedication to you and your kids despite it all.
But beyond those entirely thoughtful ideas, consider de-stress gifts, such as spa day- alone, with friends, or with her mom or sister. If spa certificates or reservations are too much for your budget, there are spa-like gifts out there, such as massage oils, aromatherapy, soothing lotions, and soft, sensual robes or super soft pajamas. Make it clear that you are trying to help her relax, and that you want her to have some down time- that it is OK for her to have some rest and self time.
What is her favorite thing to do? Buy gear or accessories related to it, set up a day of it, or buy gift certificates for her to do it.
What is her favorite store that you and the kids just can't stand and vocally complain about? That's the store you should buy her something from or take her shopping at.
What is the restaurant that your ex tells the kids is too expensive or too fancy for you two to go to? That's where you should go with her, on a night without the kids- or with if you purposefully want that report to go back. What is the restaurant that your kids have turned into a place you can't go anymore, for whatever kid reason? That is also another candidate for dinner out.
What is something that you two haven't done together in a super long time? Maybe it was just lunch together, brunch, hiking, sitting at a lake, or some activity- Do it. Plan it. Make it happen on Mother's Day.
Mother's Day is a really, really rough day for stepmoms. I do occasionally read how a stepmom doesn't care anymore. I only partially believe it, because I know how I feel and I read a great deal many more Facebook posts every Mother's Day from stepmoms talking about how horrible they feel and how they wish it all can change, which they know it won't, and that they stay anyways. In fact, every Mother's Day, in every Stepmom group there is, there's at least one discussion post from the moderator asking if everyone survived. Beyond that, there is article after article posted about how to "get through" Mother's Day for stepmoms. You may not know this, because you're not allowed in (they're private and closed, to ward off court-centric ex-wives), so I'm letting you know that how your wife feels and acts is extremely common. In fact, I strangely have the same conversations with stepmoms over and over again, and each time the stepmoms involved are just amazed that others feel the same way and think the same thing. Despite our differences, your wife isn't especially crazy or difficult. she's just in an especially difficult situation.
Despite whatever happened this year, despite whatever your wife (the current one you want to keep, remember?) did or didn't do, despite whatever anger has been between you, and despite whatever your kids hold against her, she is still the woman you married and enjoyed pre-kids and your ever-present ex-wife (whether nearby or as channeled through your kids and your phone). She is still there, but she is in a confusing state and strange world that has until recently been kept hidden and hated. She is only responding as she thinks she should, and trying so hard despite wanting to give up.
You are her encouragement, and she needs you. But most of all, she really needs you to make her feel loved on Mother's Day- and not necessarily (but maybe) in the Valentine's Day way. Figure out what is missing now, what she really needs, and what will honor her attempt to be the third wheel in your family experiment.
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