Tips for Helping Your Stepchild Discover Independence

Teaching your kid to be just like you:

Pro:

• I guess you would like them more if they're just like you.
• You relate on more things.
• No surprises?

Con:

• Unwillingness to try new things outside of what you've allowed them to do.
• Your faults and hang-ups are now their's, as well.
• Might end up living in your home for-ev-er.

Many of my readers have seen the movie Stepmom. I've realized that it's sort of a holiday movie. I think we might have to watch it this weekend. That being said, it provides a good example of a mom wanting her children to share her emotions. Interestingly, the filmmakers made it very subtle, which it so often is. The youngest child (around 5?) picks up on it and specifically informs his mom that he will hate his stepmom if she wants him to. The older child automatically knows she's in a loyalty bind and doesn't even ask, though. Her demeanor towards her stepmom reflects this.

We have a case of this, though it's much more overt. In hostile custody situations, it seems that the primary parent severely wants their children to be just like them, and that includes instilling a fear of the new, or anything that (usually) Mom does not permit or has done herself. For us, it's not fears of things that their mom has done and therefore has concerns about. It's also not fears of things because their mom is simply afraid of things. No...it's the purposeful of instilling distrust or judgement on anything that 1) mom has no interest in, 2) does not want her children to do without her, or 3) she has not every done herself.

If you have this situation, I do have some tips. Although we still deal with it on a weekly basis, we have fought a lot of it. 

Let me list the number of things my skids were interested in but were then given fears, or very strong negative opinions about, before they returned to us:

• Snow
• Karate
• Guitar
• Singing
• Soccer
• Ice skating
• Hiking (yes, which is effectively walking...fear of walking in a new place, really)
• A large number of restaurants
• Places, including places their extended family resides
• Zoos
• Church
• Theme parks other than Disneyland
• Horseback riding
• Museums
• Lakes
• Waves in the ocean
• Rollerblading and skateboarding
• Watching hockey (yes, just watching it...)
• Watching football
• New foods, including but not limited to, potatoes
• People that love them (family members, mostly)
• I know I'm forgetting a ton of things- So just know that for a long time, nearly everything caused some level of panic in my stepkids if it was not mom-approved.

Here's what we learned and what worked:

1. Do not tell them about activities, no matter how fun or benign, ahead of time. Even a day ahead of time can be an issue if they're going to see their mom or talk to her on the phone. One phone call can ruin all of your plans. 
1. If they have to pack or get ready for a particular activity, make it a fun game where they don't know what they're doing but you describe what they need to be prepared for. 
2. Although you'd think kids would not like doing what I just stated above, they get very excited without even knowing what it is they will be doing or where they're going. And as older kids, they know accept it and prepare quickly so they can get back to watching Glee on TV.
2. Make it a surprise. We've thrown surprise parties, taken them to theme parks as a surprise, and done a number of activities as surprises. This cuts out the doubts, concerns, worry, and most of all- mom's opinion. It also causes a lot of in-the-moment excitement when you arrive at the fun place, and that seems to override the worry or any things that could be stressful at home, in private. 
1. Case in point: Things would often turn for the worst if my youngest stepdaughter, when she was little, had to put some sort of odd thing on. If the activity includes a helmet, a jacket, a hat, gloves, pads, cleats...Worry and panic would start. Any new thing going physically "on" her would trigger "I must not be safe if I have to have this" type of concern, though it was voiced as "But it feeeeels weird!" (in tears). So, each time she started a new sport, it was quite difficult to get her into her required gear- which weirdly happened at our house both times...Strange how that happened. BUT if we were already at a fun new place, and there's excitement and popcorn and candy and all that, she was much more willing to put on any necessary gear in order to participate in the activity. She would still voice discomfort, but seeing other kids do it too was much more effective.
2. Sometimes it may seem like it's hard to make something a surprise. Trust me- Anything can be. My parents were really good at it, which is why I came up with this strategy in the first place. Parents can really define the art of "leaving things out" of what you say. It's a part of your role. Not giving the kids the whole picture is fairly normal, so don't get hung up on what they "should" know. Why is it that they need to know that "breakfast with family" also includes a new theme park? They don't- and they'll love it. 
3. Kids can handle mom's opinion, dislike, and even anger (most common in our case) afterwards. At that point, after they've already experienced it themselves, they know that an activity was fun, safe, worthwhile, or just plain normal. They're not swayed by the emotions when it's already happened, and they also get to tell their mom about how it actually wasn't so bad, after all. 
1. This has always worked. The only post-event manipulative statements we've heard from them following exposure to a new activity was along the lines of justification of the previous opinion. Occasionally we'll hear something like "well, it was OK that we did it that way, but otherwise it's not OK if [throw in random, illogical thing here]."
3. If you have the time, which we barely do and have therefore not been that successful with this, introduce your kids to things you hope they'll try out later. Plant some seeds of interest (and familiarity) by taking them to various sports activities at local colleges, high schools, fields, parks, or even pro games. If possible, connect the experience with friends or family they know and like, which sends a subliminal message of it being something that others do in fact do. If you hope they aren't afraid of musical activities in the future, whatever they may be, take them to plays, concerts, musicals, local band competitions, whatever. Find a friend that will teach them how to play an instrument during your custodial times- someone who isn't upset by suddenly changed plans and massive attitude problems, preferably. When they're young, buy them kid versions of whatever they're unfamiliar with- like kid tennis rackets, cute hiking shoes, a kid guitar. Let them play with them at parks or home, or take them out to specifically play with those toys. Exposure is key- whatever way you want to go about it. Your goal is simply normalizing activities and options outside of mom's specific experiences.
4. Travel. Let them know that new places are not scary, but can be fun. Simply taking them to new places encourages a bit of exploration and confidence that they can be or try new places. In general, it's very good for them. Exposure to new is the theme!
1. Tied to this is specifically visiting or stopping in college towns. Visit colleges. Make a point of walking through them, pointing them out, or making rest stops in college towns. Hit the bookstore or a local store and buy them small souvenirs or a shirt or sweatshirt with the college name and mascot on it. This exposure helps kids feel comfortable about going to college one day and relates positive, normal experiences with those locations. College becomes less a place that you move away to, and more a place that they've been before.
1. This has so many positive possibilities. We know that introducing them to multiple colleges in multiple locations means that they'll be more comfortable with 1) moving away one day, 2) which means moving away from mom and a higher likelihood of adult independence, 3) choosing a college of their own, rather than choosing a college based on what mom says she likes (already happening...), 4) and simply, interest in going to college, or the concept of it being normal and a part of life.
5. Just sign them up. Depending on how your custody is set-up, don't ask the kids whether they want to do something. You're the parent. Just sign them up and tell them they're trying it out. There might be some blow back, but it's a lot more likely they'll try something and either enjoy it or learn something from it, rather than simply discussing it for YEARS, with you and your husband trying to undo whatever negative things they were told (which stick like super glue, we've noticed). Kids do not have critical thinking skills, so whatever inane thing they're given to not try a new thing sticks with them for many years. It will take you a lot longer to convince them that they will enjoy it than it would be to just sign them up. 
1. Amusingly, we'll try for years to convince the skids that something is not that horrible, and then suddenly one day they'll appear and will exclaim that they have been signed up for something they told us they didn't want to do for years...Suddenly very excited, because mom has just signed them up. (Yeah, this just happened, again, this past week. It's amazing.) The only other way we've seen this reversal happen is when one of their close friends does said activity or invited them, and then all negative opinions seem to dissipate- not even remembered at all. 
6. Speaking of signing up the kids, if you see the kids for holiday breaks or summers, sign them up for day camps where they can specifically try out new activities with other kids. 
1. This is one of the best strategies. If there's unreasonable fear about some sort of sport or other activity, sign them up for a half day local camp during one of your summer weeks. In all but ONE of the times we've done this, they were nervous the first day, but then made friends, had a ton of fun, and learned a lot. It has helped them decide they like- no, LOVE- a number of activities. My husband still reels at how quickly the skids refer to kids they just met at camp as "my friend." 
2. We also added overnight camps in for my oldest skid. This helps immensely because now she knows that going away can be fun, being away from mom is possible, and she has more of an idea of what independence is. We know that this will translate into more confidence in other experiences, such as choosing to go on a school trip, moving away for college, or just simply actually moving out and away to be on her own finally.
3. If you're concerned about it looking like you're "getting rid of" your child or cutting out your time....Yes, you will get accused of that if their mom never signs them up for camps, including morning-only day camps or day care or after school care, and especially if she never attended any type of camp at all. You will be accused of ditching your children in "babysitting", not wanting to see them, and hurting them by making them do such things with strange new kids rather than just letting them watch TV at home all summer with nearly no supervision or attention. 
1. So given that you will be accused of being a horrible parent by signing your kids up for any type of camp, the courts/mediators will not see it like that if you participate, take them to and from, and encourage the activities they learn in general. Take pictures of them doing the activities they learned at camp, record the last day of camp "show" or game/tournament. Take pictures of or keep the crafts they made. And, feel free to ask them to write what they learned and liked about camp, so that next year you can look at it together and remember how much they liked it. We did summer journals some years because they forgot every fun activity they did with us so easily. Each year, their memories of the events were so twisted by the time the next summer came around, if they even remembered what we did at all. All the good just washes away.
2. After the first year or two, the kids will have no qualms about camp. They always get a little nervous before a new camp, but will nearly always love it. Make it a normal expectation of summer activities. If they didn't like a particular camp, accept that as feedback and find a different one for next year or even the next week of camp. I always tell them, "well, maybe next year we can try ____" and they always receive that positively. (I also ask them each spring which ones they're interested in and not interested in, from all of the various camp offerings- Making it not an option to "go to camp" but an option of "which one is for you?")
1. Our primary problem has actually been that if we sign them up for a more expensive, really awesome camp- They leave the last day saying, "Next year, when I come back...." And we're thinking "uh-oh...We don't want to pay that much next year..." There's only been one camp that one didn't want to return to. They've done sports camps, horseback riding camps, regular camps, karate camps, overnight campus in the mountains, YMCA....
3. And if you're not someone who ever went to camps and are therefore nervous about it, I still encourage you to look at the options. A lot of camps are only half-day and allow your child to meeting new people, make new friends, and have more adult role-models in their lives. It's a huge social-skill builder, and gives them so much confidence in trying new things. It makes other life situations easier transitions, including moving away one day or having a strange, new roommate. They no longer fear camps but know that it will likely be fun, they will definitely make new friends, and they'll learn new things. Also, they'll learn camp songs or chants that they seem to never forget....
7. Ask a family member or friend to expose them to the new thing, and it takes away the "Dad" or "Stepmom made me do this" element. It's accepted almost immediately.
8. One more to add: An important way to get your stepkids into the real world and out of their one-opinion one is by exposing them to cultural events and festivals. Very easy to do, though you will need to keep your thumb on area news. Greek Festival? Chinese New Year? Kwanza? Latin, Swedish, German, and Irish festivals up the wazoo? Take the kids. They'll get some snacks, sugary cultural treats of some sort, see some dancing, hear some music that isn't on the Top 40 station, and even see people who "look different". Despite how culturally diverse our region is, its very easy for kids to come up with opinions that keep them from appreciating diversity, which also permeates their life views. Judgmental attitudes run rampant and deep, very easily, with very little commentary from adults in their lives. So one way to undercut judgmental attitudes overall is to open their minds to how different all people are, and the good in those who are different. Not to mention, many cultural fairs and parades have specific offerings, like games and bounce houses, for kids. They get to experience a bit of external culture and associate it with positive things. But, be warned: The first cultural fair/festival we took them to, we came home with a new pet goldfish...

We've done and tried it all, I think...but if you have any strategies that you've tried, feel free to share!

And good luck over the holiday break with your skids. Safe travels, and I wish you access to much wine, or martinis. 

"In the Best Interest of _____"?

If you've been through any custody trial or legal paperwork, you know that whatever precedes or follows the phrase, "In the best interest of the children," is a big fat lie. You know that along with that phrase comes a boatload of crap that is fabricated to endorse only one parent.

Divorce and Traffic court are the only courts that don't depend on a shred of evidence to make decisions. It's your word, versus theirs.

Every time I hear the phrase "in the best interest of the children" I feel sick. It is used very seriously in court, to utter the most nonsensical stuff proposed by only one party. There's little logic or history behind it. The mediators and judges nod with looks of approval as if everything said was common sense.

Yet, we have to use it too. For some reason, despite the complete lack of any basis when tossing the phrase around willy nilly, it is a very powerful phrase that causes the other party to shudder in fear and load their weapons.

I hope, one day, to never hear that phrase again. It's a trigger for a gag reflex. When I see it in a newspaper article, I know that someone's lying somewhere in that story.

Herein Lies the Difference

The logic behind the fight: Many moms believe that kids should never see dad if he decided to end the marriage. It's often masked in pithy, highly unsupported arguments of: He's violent . He's angry. Stepmom is bad. They need mom/and siblings need each other. ...But often without any valid proof or real, impartial witnesses with these assertions. They feel left at the alter, completely slighted and back stabbed, whether that is pretty much what happened or not.  In reality, there's a number of common occurrences we know as true:  He may have tried to make the relationship work for years, but due to her lack of participation or her anger or her violence, he had to go...Or it just really was a bad marriage, both parties are to blame. Maybe he was a really bad guy, because there are a lot of bad people out there- of both sexes.) But no matter the spouse's part in it, it may take many decades to realize it or take ownership in their part of the marriage failure, if ever. Until there's any type of maturity, its all his fault he left the family, he's the bad man no matter his blatant logic.We also accept that story immediately, from complete strangers, and pity the poor woman we're talking to, completely accepting her truth.

Given that he "left", the entire family (of the mom's side) does not think he 'deserves' the children. He broke the family, therefore he is bad, therefore he shouldn't have them, BECAUSE he didn't stay in the marriage... Circular , flawed reasoning that begs the question.

So, its not because he hurt the children, was abusive, violent, or actually unfit to parent....Though random justifications are often tossed about. Its that he left the marriage and therefore deserves to suffer a greater loss of losing his children. As punishment.

An all too common story

Although our situation is thankfully not at an international level, I feel like we've experienced a local version of this. And I read so many news stories where I truly wonder where the truth is. Media outlets jump on these stories so fast, interviewing the mother, showing the kids cry, and leaving out any details.

Italian Dad’s Daughters Ordered Back to Italy

Stepmother Support Blog

I'm not always current on my followings, but I love resources! Here's a new stepmom blog to share: Stepmother Support.

I particularly enjoyed the post Embracing the Queen. 

Rejected...again

APA Rejects PAS for DSM

Fearing Your Stepchild

My followers often comment that what I wrote is exactly what they were thinking or experiencing. I had that experience when reading an article from StepmomMag.com. The author described how her stepdaughter, who was still a child, was raised to think her stepmom was an idiot. Given that her stepmom is an idiot, she was trying to raise her half-sister- stepmom's new baby. How could an idiot stepmother properly care for her little sister, of course. This led to the stepdaughter not heading any directions, and one extremely scary situation that could have ended or impaired the baby's life.

This is actually something I've known about one of my own stepdaughters. I know that if I were to have a baby or adopt, she would consider herself more knowledgeable than I am. I've already seen minor cases of this for years in various arenas, such as her directives when caring for the pets I care for daily that she hardly sees.

When my stepdaughters were younger children, they informed me that I would be fine as a stepmom because they would teach me how to mother.

Right.

Thanks anyways.

So there's two types of actual fear of stepchildren that I've identified from years of reading other stepmoms' stories:

1. Fear that the stepchild will harm, and even kill, our own child
2. Fear that the stepchild will harm us

Sometime around last Christmas, I read a post in a Facebook group about a stepmom who's teenage stepchild put actual poison in her drink. Sounds like Snow White in reverse to me.

This is real, folks. It's also why stepmoms feels so misunderstood and alone, as usually nobody will believe how horrible our stepchildren can be to us or make us feel. Even their own fathers, witnessing the events, can be in complete denial. 

I don't think my stepkids will kill me, but I have sincerely feared one of my stepdaughter's violent tendencies. The first night I met her, I watched her strongly hit a family member repeatedly while playing a game. I learned quickly that her idea of play wasn't so much wrestling and rough-housing as it was "let's see how I can hurt stepmom". Play would turn into "chase stepmom" and laugh hideously about it, as I begged for her to stop. I avoided pools, or made sure to get into a pool when she wasn't nearby. As soon as she would start to come towards me, I would get out. This is because one time she was choking me underwater and just didn't understand why that was upsetting to me. "Stop" is not understood. I also know to stay away from her when she gets the same look in her eyes as those chasing sessions while wielding a bat. Yes, a bat. When she was younger, it was plastic bats. Now they're real bats. 

I'm not the only one, though. Her sister has been physically hurt by her for years, so I feel a bit of a bond to my younger stepdaughter in this way. It's just that my younger stepdaughter doesn't seem to know when to get out and walk away before it escalates, a typical little sibling problem. We brought up the physical bullying in court years ago and asked that we care for them more so that my younger stepdaughter was safer, and no one was interested.

My situation is slightly more odd than the usual stepmom hate that other stepmoms experience. My older stepdaughter is emotionally abused and was quite set-back by how badly the divorce of her parents was handled. I don't think she actually does want to "hurt" me (probably deep down, yes), but she does get a thrill out of scaring someone or upsetting them. She rough houses with her mom, who also was like this apparently, and it seems to be an odd form of bonding for them. So, it's possible she thinks that this would be appropriate with others like me, but I have no interested in that kind of "play" where I feel chased and scared. 

As I still hold some physical fear of one of my stepchildren, I'm not the expert to go to on how to fix this. Therapy is probably your best option, for everybody in the family as you need to cope, Dad needs to learn how to parent and learn what abuse is, and the children have some definite issues to workout.

I really just wanted to comment on these fears, and how they are based in reality.

The Every Other Weekend Husband

My husband, standalone without all the junk that attacks him regularly, is a great, calm, nice man that wants to do his family right. He wants to take care of us, give us everything he can, and will be there for us until the end.

But he is an every-other-weekend dad. This is also referred to as "EOW" in custody/stepfamily forums online. This is the proper term that replaces the nasty and substantially overused "Disneyland Dad" term that so many people throw around loosely, not really realizing what they're saying. I've noticed that it is often used to describe a dad that the person (a woman) doesn't even know, usually adapted from a bitter mom, or used in defense by a dad who is trying desperately to prove that he loves his children and wants to be more than the D-land Dad title used against him in court. Using this term is insulting and automatically discounts a dad that rarely gets to see his children, plus shows pure ignorance of the real meaning behind it.

The every-other-weekend schedule hurts our marriage, substantially. We do a pretty decent job loving each other through all the crap his prior marriage has put on us, but the custody schedule and its severe limitations not only hurts the kids, but it hurts our home.

I have been told that I should just be happy we don't see the kids as much as we wish we could so that my husband and I can live it up and party every other weekend without the kids. Some moms are rightly jealous that we get some time off, and I get that sentiment plenty. It is true that we get to go out, go on some weekend outings, and things like that because of the custody schedule. What only stepmoms with limited custody know is that there's a huge downside to it, too.

This post isn't going to be about the obvious negative of the every-other-weekend schedule, though. But for the sake of the topic, let me put those points forward. It does suck plenty when you don't have the kids that your life revolves around, because well everything in your life does revolve around them in my case. Whether we see them or not, our schedules still reflect the kids' lives, whether it's sports or school meetings and events, or whatever. I live here because of them, so not seeing them more makes it somewhat annoying that I'm even living here. Their empty room, their stuff around your house- it sucks, even if they aren't the greatest kids in the world to me. We do still think about them, plan for them, and shop for them when they're not with us. We talk about them too much and regret how they can't go with us to many of the things we go to on their off weekend. And then there's the behavioral ramifications...The less the kids are with you, the more they'll treat you like you (and their dad) mean nothing to them. The family dynamic is completely tossed (and severely scarred) by such little amount of time together (as researchers have found). The flow, expectations and general respect are lost when custody is ridiculously low. The message to the kids is that you are not a full parent, your house doesn't matter that much, and my (the kids') time with you (dad/stepmom) isn't that important. You'd think it would be the opposite, and apparently sometimes kids pine for the parent they see less, but the kids' beliefs and behaviors actually reflect the custody share. (This is related to child development: self-preservation, necessary adjustment, and often manipulation.)

Still, this is more about the flip-side. The impact on the dad as a man of the house.

My husband is an extremely loving dad. End of story. That means the limited amount of time he has with the kids is precious and sacred. He has struggled for years with regular parenting because he wants every minute of his time with them to be happy and wonderful. Eventually, he had to let that go because they were struggling in life, hurting and thereby hurting each other and themselves, and he just had to be the parent that taught life lessons, character, and integrity. It is his role, and our home is damage control for their lives. So, on the "on" weekends with the kids, he focuses on them and I expect it to be that way.

The every-other-weekend schedule also means that if you are an active family who want the kids to experience as much in life as possible, learn more than what they get outside of your home (which is 75+% of the time), and do any family bonding, then your weekend ends up being jam-packed. There's sports, music lessons from friends who don't mind the whacky schedule, church, and whatever else your family values doing together that you have to shove into 25% the time. There are also rushed trips to see family hundreds of miles away, as they barely get to see those family members. There are even doctor appointments, haircuts, and other types of things if those matters tend to not be handled by the other house for some reason...Often shoved into a Friday afternoon or weekend clinics.

So...Our home is bipolar. As you can see. We are always active people, but it gets cranked up a level when the kids are with us. This is why stepmoms deal with a lot of stress and anxiety, but we know it's the deal. We ARE able to take a backseat when we want to, but that still means Dad is on duty. Good for you as a stepmom...but....

The means your weekends with your stepkids' father are his recovery weekend. We both work full time (or else we wouldn't afford the tiny house and the bills we have on top of custody payments), and that means that we're both craving time with each other, nearly every day. We're usually too tired to spend that time together, so the "off" weekends are when you get your husband. And all the activities we want to do to recover from the frantic time with the kids and attempt to keep the connection to each other. As I explain to many, we do a lot together on our off weekends to make up for the insanity of the custody schedule. (And sometimes to get out of the house if home issues are causing relationship strain, which remember, is where all the kids' stuff is- but without them. That in itself is a reason to get out of the house with your husband and remember who you are together in order to recharge for the next chaotic weekend or custody battle.)

But I've noticed over the years that my husband, although willing to be dragged around with me to do things, also crashes. He's exhausted. He exerts all his energy all the time instead of the normal family dynamic which would be up and down depending, and under our control. A part of the frantic-ness of a stepfamily with lesser custody is the lack of control over your own schedule. We don't get to pick the sports, we have little or no influence over decisions despite the requirement that my husband have equal decision making power, and we just plain get jerked around. We have no say in schools, and although he tries to remind their mom that he has equal decision and legal power, the person with the most custody knows their actual, literal power. So, you end up driving further away for anything and everything the kids do, and doing things you would never, ever sign your kids up for, if they were yours. And we generally have to take them, as otherwise it will end up in court as damaging the kids if we don't take them to something relatively silly or insignificant for the sake of family. There's also this perpetual "on" time when the kids are with us, where my husband just does not feel like he can take a break. He won't even go take a nap. His time is so short, he can't waste it. He wants every minute of it.

So, to recap: Nonstop action when with kids, exhausted when not.

For the wife, this translates into a husband who is unable to keep up his home unless he's got the metabolism of ... I don't know...a rabbit? For years, things remained broken. For years, projects were put off and only discussed. For years, I cleaned. Then the nagging started. I knew that my husband was exhausted, stressed, and continually worn out physically and emotionally. Still, I started to hate our home more and more as I continued to see it backslide and deteriorate. Arguments and flat out fights increased because he wasn't being the man I know he is at home. I started pushing him to do tasks when he either needed to be with the kids or needed to rest.

There just is no time left for him to be a husband and a home owner. Things just weren't getting done. I became a nagger, and resentful.

It's confusing, because on the one hand, the solution is to not see the kids (not an option for most fathers now) and get stuff done, OR see the kids more and let the family dynamic reflect a more normal, less frantic atmosphere that everyone appreciates. I do speak of this from experience. We had more custody once upon a time and we have more custody in the summers. The kids are more self-sufficient and willing to help out at home when they know they're invested. They are more respectful and more a part of the family, feeding the pets, cleaning, talking to me like a human being who cares for them, and just acting like normal kids rather than brats that take and take and return to mom tomorrow. Similarly, my husband is less stressed and anxious about every single minute. He knows they'll still be there, and therefore he can get a couple of things done in the meantime, whether for his house or himself.

Only court will change that, as the kids' mom is not capable of negotiation, a concept we've been trying to teach the kids so that they understand that in life, there are options for two parties to reach common ground without extreme anger.

I don't have a real solution for this. This is just reality, much like the rest of our stepfamily dynamic that people actually seem to think could change. (Hahahaha...) I wish we could afford a housekeeper, cleaning services, repairmen...But we can't. I love (hate, I meant) the suggestions in stepmom articles that you need to hire a house cleaning service and other such recommendations. If you have the means, more power to ya. Send some my way! This is why I enter contests for home makeovers constantly, thinking that this will be the solution to our home falling apart. I also wish we just happened to know people, or kids I guess, that would work on things in our house for cheap. But, we just don't. We do "know" some, but they don't live anywhere near us. So it is. Much like when you don't know anybody with a truck...That's us! That's life with when it revolves around your stepchildren and an every-other-weekend schedule plus weekday "dinner visits" of doom.