Tuesday, January 15, 2013

Join the Club

I can see the writing on the wall.

Ok, that's much too dramatic. Maybe a bit misleading.

I can relate, though. I now can relate to so many stepmoms out there. The stepmoms who just couldn't stay any longer. The ones who had to move on. The ones who completely detached from their "families."

I think I have become the Evil Stepmom.

It was a joke before. Before, I could see how easily I was twisted into an Evil Stepmom. It's very easy for everything I do and say to be misconstrued and used against me.

But many of us feel like we have turned into an Evil Stepmom.

For a while, we fight the notion. We can't believe people cast us as evil so quickly. We fight, fight, fight. We try so hard to not be that evil stepmom that the populace thinks we are. We know we are better and we firmly rise above it.

But, the people who matter don't notice or care. And their issues outweigh ours, and eventually, it wears and tears us down. We realize there's no point; there never was. Your efforts were all for naught. There's anger. There's depression. Then there's giving up.

I am now on the other side of resentment and bitterness. I now see where I am, how the kids view me, and that there may not be a return. The other side isn't peace or acceptance; the other side is hopelessness. There may be an acceptance...of what it is, and that the situation is not going to change, even in the future.

I'm fortunate to have an understanding and forgiving husband.. So fortunately, I will not be leaving my marriage. Our relationship is damaged from the strife over the years, but we are still a we. Most stepmoms can't say the same.

And yet, I still have gone through the transformation process. I can pinpoint moments, stages, and draw the cycle out. I think many other stepmom sites have done that already, so there's no need for me to elaborate. But I just wanted you all to know- I have joined you.


  1. Hi, I just started following your blog, and this post sadly nails it. For a while i've been trying to stay positive, and only recently have i let myself think of What if..what if we'd never married, what if i'd never let his son get close to me, what if this and that...we're still fighting because I just can't bring myself to fully give up on Us, but sometimes it's just too hard to deal with all the drama that surrounds my husband. Bla..i'm there too

  2. Reality and positivity don't always work together. And not everyone is equally equipped for handling a daily battle of wills from another household.

    I didn't ask the "what ifs" for a long time. I lasted longer than most before getting to that point. My husband is good at reminding me of the positives, but only he can keep up for so long himself. With a 70% failure rate for second marriages with kids, I'm very proud that we made it this long and this far. Others often tell me that our situation is one of the worst they've heard or seen, but I know of ones worse than ours and I know that I am/we are not alone. And I also can see my husband's pain. I know that I am not the only one hurting, that he hurts as much as I do or more. This actually makes me more bonded to him, because we are still "together" in it. We'll continue to keep going, but these years will be our toughest and I can't wait to look back at them. I know that there will be a better time. It may not be all better, or all well, or everything we want- but I know it won't be this. This is the worst of it.

    Thank God for people like you, and people I know who are sane, who I can talk to, who tell me that I can keep doing it, or that my husband and I are doing a good job despite it all, and that I am not a lost cause. Nora- good luck to you. Good luck to us. I'll have a glass of wine for you, tonight.

  3. Thank you for being true..I see so many happiness in other step parent's posts and I think..am i the only one stuck with such crap? Then I'll find a real voice out there and think, this is someone I want to converse with, or in this case- read about. Regarding your censorship post you just wrote, the husband has just recently started reminding me to not use names..and really not get into details about arguments I might want to vent about because one never knows who might be cyber stalking. Our situation is still young, my step son being only 6 yrs old (3 when i took him in) but as he's gotten older, the situation has gotten worse. Good luck to us all is right

  4. Oh you are definitely not the only one! You are in a very large sister-hood! There are a number of stepmom communities online that have real people, real problems. There are still the insanely positive folks that seem to have ideal situations, though. That can really be tough to talk with them because they just can't relate. For the most part, nearly all stepmoms are dealing with some level of crazy and can relate to a number of your feelings and stories. I'm finding through my MeetUp(.com) group that even though the other ladies may not have my tough situation, they still share the same feelings, questions, and thoughts. They relate to the same confusing things I do, even if they have kids of their own.

    It's amazing how there are so many of us, as so many marriages end in divorce stepmoms are very common, and yet we feel so alienated.