Be Authentic to Your Skids

Once upon a time, I couldn't trust either of my skids.

And honestly, if you aren't sure, don't. It is not the time- yet.

Confiding in your skid, especially your stepdaughter, is not well advised. For a while. Wait a long, long while.

You'll know when all is cool, but it will be when they are older. Confiding in them your actual opinions or thoughts just has to wait. When they're young, its just too easy for them to use it against you tomorrow when they are suddenly mad at you for existing.

There's a place for letting your skids know your feelings. Any adult caring for kids on a regular basis has to sometimes inform the kid in their care that they have been hurt, mistreated, or would like to hear an apology. Sharing your feelings is a tough one, though. If they're little, it can be pretty effective.
As they go into adolescence, its sometimes necessary for them to hear that they had actual effect on another human being- but will lead to little or no change. It will feel pointless. And they won't hear very much; they seem to catch only certain sentences and tune out the rest.
And that continues through the teenaged years, unless they develop maturity. (But you still play a role in that, helping them to develop empathy for others- including their supposed evil stepmom, understanding that you are human, too.)

If you see your skids finally maturing, it may be possible for them to hear actual opinions. You may be able to share your (massively softened) opinions without them turning it into a new war between you and their mom. Its really about critical thinking. If you start to see critical thinking, the ability to logically understand and process things, then you may be able to start sharing things you never shared before.

Signs that they can handle your opinions or take, as only that, and not attacks:

• They ask you for your version, specifically, honestly, and you know they don't have an ulterior motive of some sort. (watch out... This is a two way trust street, really.)
• They are finally relating to their dad, letting him know they understand what he went through in some way, talking to him, finally, about their shared experiences of the past marriage/family. Showing they are beyond the "sides" and "you vs. them" war.
• They literally tell you that they are dealing with these things of their past and want to know more.
• They are making jokes about their other parent, situation, family, showing actual understanding of what they have dealt with and that is no longer the end of their universe to talk about these things.

"Bashing" (the overused term used by most stepfamily authors)? No. But your actual feelings and opinions are yours. And by this time, there should be less bashing to be done because you're (hopefully) no longer in the thick of the early divorce years. Your point of view may actually help your skids process what happened to their world for those years where nothing made much sense, all messages were mixed, and they were torn between parents. Hearing you may actually help them.

Be careful. But it is true. You matter, your take on things matter, but its all about timing. That's the hard part.

Right now, one of my skids loves running her memories past me. It is her way of processing and rediscovering what really happened. She trusts me completely, now, and knows that I'm not making stuff up. She knows I have sources, a third party point of view on some things, and she also cares about my side within incidents- now. Way back then? She was too confused and hurt to make sense of it, and she just wanted to play with her daddy. That was priority, rightly so.

Authenticity matters. Consistency will ring true if you're up against a family of lies.

Its OK. Everything is OK.

Hey, Stepmom!

Its OK to go to your room and let your hubby have time with his kids.

Its OK to go out.

Its OK to do things on your own, even though your husband wants you to "be a part of the family." Tell him you'll be a part of the family tomorrow.

Sometimes you just need to walk away and be in your own realm, where less crazy happens (hopefully).

Its OK to wish you had your own kids. It's OK to look into adoption. It's OK to ask to go out with friends on the night when the skids are coming over.

It's OK to take yourself out to the restaurant you miss.

Its OK to let him be with his kids tonight. And even tomorrow.

Its OK to ask him to take the skids out to a festival today, while you read, rest, exercise, and whatever you haven't been doing in ages.

Its OK to read the paper in peace.

Its OK to watch your favorite TV show that bores everyone else in the house.

Speaking of which, its OK to put a TV in your bedroom but not in the kids' rooms, so you can have your own sanity.

Its OK to put some headphones on and listen to your happy music at the game so you don't have to listen to your husband's ex scream out nonsense.

Its OK to support your skids in your own way and not attend everything.

Its OK to drop your skids off at practice, run an errand, and then come back to get them.

Its OK to take your skids to events that you want to go to. Normal kids go with their parents to things that the parents want to go to; just because you're a stepmom, or because you have limited custody, doesn't mean that the kids can't learn to deal at events that aren't all about them!

Its OK to ask your husband to enforce things. It's OK to ask him to eat vegetables in front of them so they know that even Dad eats vegetables. It's OK to ask that your husband turn down the volume on the video game, so that you don't flipppppp out!

Its OK to get your stepkids into your things. It's OK to introduce them to your world, and maybe one day, it will change their lives.

Its OK to ask your stepkids to bring their friends over, so you can get to know your skids in another (sometimes super weird...) way.

Its OK to volunteer at your skids' school, if you want to. Its OK to cheer them on, your own way.


Its OK to retreat. Its OK to not want to see one of your steps for a bit. Its OK to ask that your husband deal with it and not you.

And, at the same time, its OK for you to develop a relationship with your skids.

Its OK. Just be OK. Know that you are OK. You are not crazy, insane, or the only one. We have been through it before, too. We're here for you, and feel free to message me or join those stepmom groups out there so you can truly see how not-alone you are.

Its OK to completely disregard the advice of people who have nooooo clue.

The Anxiety of A Custodial Visit

The anxiety of a custodial visit.

1. Get to a doctor and get some anti-anxiety meds before you develop panic attacks. I waited too many years on that one... And it was really easy to get. (Yay prescription drugs!) Maybe because if you say "I'm a stepmom" to any certified doctor, they instantly get it.
1. How do you know if you are experiencing anxiety and attacks? Hard to breathe? Super nervous? Sweaty? Hating life right now? Wishing you could run, run, run away?
   Maybe even freaking out?
2. Why are you picking up the kids again? 
1. Yeah, I know, it is impossible for your husband to make it. He doesn't want to lawyer up again. He doesn't want to fight her for a more reasonable custody arrangement. He's happy for what he got. I know. I know. 
2. You're doing your part to make sure the kids stay in your family, to make your husband's life easier, to make sure your husband sees his kids even though he works an hour away and struggles through insane traffic just to get there to see his kids for at least half an hour. You are doing your part, you are honorable, you are working hard to maintain composure. You left work early for this. You are thinking this was a mistake. You are not sure what they will say and do when they get to your car. You're not sure what she will do and say, making everything so much worse and something you have to record for court. You're watching the clock. She's late. Again. Why are you doing this!?!?
3. Then you hear the kids laughing with their Dad- one hour later. You hear the joy. You hear his love for them, and you realize how different of a night it would have been if you had not been able to pick up the kids. 

And the process starts all over again, 2 nights or one week later.

A lot of stepmom guides, articles, books suggest that you give up and stop doing this stuff for your husband.
Sure, sure. And you want him to lose his kids? Why is that not covered?

Some books and articles argue that if he can't handle it, then he shouldn't be making you do it.

I get that logic, and I would have supported it if his kids had been complete hellions, I guess. Maybe. Not even then maybe, because as demonstrated above, the love that fills your home, FINALLY, when he has not seen the kids for a week...It's worth it. 

But do try to do more for you. Make sure he understands what it is like. Make sure he does his part. Make sure he takes some time off work. Make sure you go out. Make sure you get you time.

Sometimes, drop them off to him, and go out by yourself. DO IT. Don't cook dinner every night. Let him cook dinner, even though he had a long day of work. (There's plenty of microwavable stuff out there.) Let him take the kids out. You did your part and got them home; but now he can take them out and have time with them alone, which is great no matter what for all parties. You are allowed breaks. You are allowed you time. You are allowed your friends.

There are plenty of nights where I realized I couldn't do it anymore, and I called him to let him know that things were not well between the skids and I. I would let him know, and he now knows without explanation, "You are taking them out tonight." And there were nights that he knew were so bad that he needed to keep them out. They had their homework with them, or he had books or tablets with fun things in them to do, and they would entertain themselves somewhere else. Honestly, I consider that stepmom-forced-quality time. (Often when they are all home together, he defaults to just TV watching. On the nights where I asked they go out and stay out, he truly spent time with them- and they loved it. Completely doubtful that they even asked why they weren't going home instead. Dad time is Dad time, period.)

So, do that. Don't be afraid. Ask for You time, and make sure that you get a return on your part. You don't have to do it all; but I completely understand why you aren't giving up on one of the most stressful parts of this life. I totally get it. And not all stepmoms are in agreement that you should completely disengage. Trust me. And we're here for you. Let's do virtual drinks sometime. =)

WAYS TO CELEBRATE MOTHERS DAY FOR STEPMOMS

There's always gotta be a Mother's Day post, right?

Heck yeah!

I always have commentary on this.

This year, I got a Happy Mother's Day text from my youngest step first thing in the morning! I was barely awake! Super awesome. It made my day. I didn't need the cards they had prepared a week in advance, but those had actual thoughtful notes in them as well! Amazing! I was shocked. I was also shocked to hear from my oldest step, super late at night- another text. Nice of her, but not really necessary, given the card and that we are not on good terms right now. So, especially given those facts, pretty impressive.

The most amusing, and beyond obviously telling, was the card comparison. One got me a full blown, sappy, fantastic Mother's Day card that says "Mom" on the front. The other is a non-specific random card, but the fact that there are sentences in there that specify recognition for doing stuff for her- Sure. I got it. I understand. It's fine. The sentences, written in her handwriting, were the part that mattered anyways! (And then later, my husband admits to picking the card himself, and all that meaning goes way out the window...But also shows that he knows his daughter quite well enough.)

That being said, as other stepmoms have pointed out in cyber world, I am getting this (newly) consistent and day-of recognition now, after 9 years. Someone aptly pointed out that they noticed that stepmoms with older skids were the ones often with a phone call or other type of honor. I think last year was the first year I got texts from both of them the day of. My husband, though, also would usually have them do something "for" me the weekend before or week after. More his effort than theirs.

I read a smattering of articles out there about what you should expect on Mother's Day, as a stepmom.

HAHAHAHA.

Don't listen to other people maybe. That's my first piece of advice. Even "expert" stepmoms are full of crap sometimes.

I hate how in their articles of "Stepmoms are decent people trying really hard" they bury in archaic, inapplicable, or just out of touch advice.

Look, if you do a ton of crap for you stepkids, you deserve some sort of honor in some way. And if it isn't on Mother's Day specifically, that's OK- but your husband, family, others, need to respect your choice and role to put yourself into the center of the fire. Bonfire, if you will. Your stepkids DO need to learn how to honor people of importance in their lives, especially the person who fills in for the mom role every other weekend, during the summer, or whatever it is.

It shocks me that the articles about Stepmoms on Mother's day are still saying things like, "You are not mom." No, f' no. No, you are not. We FREAKING KNOW THAT. Stop telling us that!!!! Why are you still even typing that!?!? We freaking, really already know we are not their birth moms, and we remember on a freaking DAILY basis. Stop even printing that like there's an assumption we're all morons, unclear on where our stepkids came from!!

But those same articles usually go on to say that Stepmoms play an important role and describe it, like people who aren't stepmoms are even bothering with this article. Give me a break. Stop the age-old placation. Start with "Stepmoms do a lot of crap, by the way, world. And if they function as a mom to their skids, maybe they should get some credit."

I'm sorry, but it is NOT so wrong that the kids texted me "Happy Mother's Day" on Mother's Day. No, it is not. Get over yourself. I did not spend the day with them. I did not take them away from their mom. I did not demand that they spend time with me. THAT would be ridiculous, especially in my situation. As a matter of fact, every full-time stepmom I've ever read articles from has said how they welcome Mother's Day as one of the only days of the year where they get a break and are super happy to let the kids be with their mom. It's really the non-custodial or partial that hurt, and we are the ones who have absolutely NO SAY in whether the kids spend an ounce of time with us pretty much any day besides this somewhat random holiday.

Stating in articles that a Stepmom doesn't have rights to Mother's Day tells me that you don't know very much. I've never heard, seen, read that a Stepmom wants the rights to Mother's Day. The Stepmoms crying on Mother's Day are hurt by REJECTION. Complete, total, day after day rejection. There's a LOT more going on than just "Their real mom gets attention on Mother's Day" (said by no stepmom ever).

A Stepmom DESERVES SOME CREDIT unless she has no presence in her step's lives. And by no presence, I mean that- not what the child or adult child "perceives" as no presence. (There is a major difference.) And the no presence stepmoms? I don't know why, but then they actually fit the "Dad's Wife" category, and it makes sense. UNLESS they at some point DID in fact help raise the kids in the past or are attempting to have a part in their skids lives. Then, they still deserve some credit. Did they raise their stepkids through their young years, and then custody changed because Mom wanted them back or something changed- completely out of stepmom's control, always, of course- and now they hurt? Now they wonder what happened to the kids they spent so many years substituting for their "actual" mom?

Stepmoms deserve credit. Get over it. We're not out to steal Mother's Day, but we want recognition that we are here, that we clean up after your kids, that we take them to soccer practices, that we sacrificed our careers too, buy the groceries and watch them disappear, pay for your Netflix obsessions, renewed the Xbox subscription, help your Dad maintain the mortgage and bills, planned the vacations, made sure you were signed up for camp in time, etc., etc., etc..... Oh man. Just let us have that.

Really have issues with Mother's Day and Stepmoms? Why don't more articles published right before Mother's Day cover some super BASIC ways of celebrating Mother's Day Stepmom style? Why are these not making it to the major websites and "Stepmom Coach" websites yet?

Ways to Celebrate Mother's Day for Stepmoms (because you still don't "get" it...)

• Celebrate before or after. Make it a specific day, or don't. Whatever works. (There is a specific Stepmother's Day, so that would work, too. Make it legit.)
• Have the kids get her a card or flowers before, and she can open it on Mother's Day when she's ultimately questioning all of her life's decisions. 
• Can't even get the kids to get her a Mother's Day card? How about Thank you cards? Funny cards they picked out if they're young and not super snarky yet? Something is seriously better than nothing, and exactly how hard is this? (Oh right, not. Not at all.)
• Ask that they simply send a private message on FB, text, Twitter on Mother's Day to say "thanks for all you do and have a nice day!" Which is code for "thinking of you, recognizing you, but in no way ready to honor you as mom" - which is FINE. Completely fine. Recognition is what it is, no matter what words! 
• If the kids are so insanely manipulated against your wife/friend who is a stepmom/family member, then MODEL YOUR recognition of her. Take them with you to go get a card for her, for all she does for them, the house, the pets, her husband. Can't take them with you (probably due to so little custody...), then just get her Mother's Day cards, gifts, flowers, etc. that the kids will see. Post it on Facebook. What you're doing is letting the kids know that other people recognize your stepmom as doing something like a mom. You're teaching, and you're honestly flat out helping the family. You're also making sure that the Stepmom feels loved on Mother's Day if she doesn't hear a single word or get anything from her skids and/or husband. 
• GO ON VACATION. Make plans with friends or do something special every year to make sure Mother's Day is a low, low level concern. Get out of town, or make sure she has friends to hang with (because normally she can't hang with friends, cooking dinner and all that.................)

All of the above has been done for me now, but it took a lot of that last one- Modeling. My husband was an active husband in this endeavor, but I know many of you have, lets call it "absent-minded" husbands. Help them. I did see a number of articles this year point out that you need to let your husband know ahead of time of your "expectations" to be recognized in some way. But I liked how one person said that if you are an outside friend or family member, help the husband get the clue, too. TOTALLY. HELP the marriage that you went to the wedding to by helping the husband "get" that his wife needs some special attention for committing to this craziness that he considers (sadly) normal.

In all honesty, the Stepmom often looks a bit crazy on Mother's Day because you are seeing the culmination of bewilderment, self-hate, and pure hurt. It's not about taking away from their mother; it's just literally the #1 day where we are reminded of how worthless we are to everyone we work so hard for IN our OWN home. Don't believe me? That's how it feels, whether it's true or not. And who are you to know how it feels, unless you're in my particular court custody arrangement nightmare? Unless you are also a victim of child parent alienation? Unless you have the same situation?

Yeah, you get it now, don't you?

(And if you don't feel free to comment, so that I can realize what I've missed.)

The Night of A Stepmom, The Fears of the Alienated

I sit in fear
Waiting for them to come over.
I fret and stress
Knowing it will be any minute.
I feel the anxiety shoot
through my skull.
I feel my heart beating
my pulse pulsating
and my breathing struggle.

They have rooms here
things here
half their lives here
But I call to ask that he take them out to dinner tonight.
Tonight I can't do it.
Tonight I can't fake it.
Tonight I'm afraid of saying what I want to say.

If I say what I feel,
he could lose them.
If I say what I want to say,
what they need to hear,
he may not support me.
If I tell them how they hurt me,
I will stand alone.
It falls on deaf, young ears.
I am shamed by others not here.

They can take what is said
my feelings,
my heart
back to their mom.
I am a horrible person
who never should feel what I feel,
she tells them.
I can give and give, but I should not expect to receive love. Ever.

I need to be alone.
I need to leave the room.
I need to leave the house,
but there's not really anywhere to go tonight.
I need to be away. I need them to be away. I need to walk away.
I need to shut up. I need to keep my feelings to myself,
because that is the only way.

This family stays together by burying the hurts sometimes.
He hurts, but he hides it from them.
I hurt, but I hide it from them.
We talk to them sometimes about the hurt,
but they are too young.

Our hurts are now translated into
expectations.
They are older. They are to learn, now.
We fear they will grow,
move,
marry,
and we will not be included.
If we don't teach them now
that we count.
If we don't teach them now,
that we are here.
If we don't teach them now,
that they are important to us.
If we don't teach them now,
that they have us.
We are family, too. We have to teach them
that we are family, too.

Young Stepmom, Old(er) Stepkids

One of the odd things about being a stepmom is that often times you are younger.

Well, not always. Definitely a myth that continues to be dispelled:

There are three solid camps, each with their own set of skills, frame of mind, and challenges for being a stepmom fit:

1. Worked their education and career, waited for marriage and the truly right man- who just happened to have been married before. (Age, in comparison to husband, varies rather widely!)
2. Married before, it really didn't work out, but now you've found your right match. (Usually similar age, and the coolest stories are those that were high school sweethearts originally, in my personal opinion...)
3. Me. Young(ish?) bride, first marriage, to a man who is starting all over. (Age: Usually younger to much younger.)

The younger you are in comparison to your husband, the older your stepkids could be. If I had had my stepkids, I would have been in high school for the first. Us younger 2nd/3rd brides enjoy the experience of moms at school asking if we are our stepkids' sisters or nannies. (Which older women, usually way after the moment of insane embarrassment, point out is something we should frankly take complete glee in. True, especially now that I look back...)

The younger stepmom initially, or maybe all along, enjoys a feeling of a closer understanding to the kids. (Not always the case though, or is a sensation that can come and go.) You may not have had the kids, but you aren't all that far off from them. You may remember what it felt like a little easier than the parents seem to- maybe because you didn't watch them grow from infancy on. There's just something different. You just seem to recall what it is like to be their age a little easier or quicker than the parents do, especially if they are girls.

There is this truly interesting dynamic as a (young-ish) stepmom of teenaged girls. I feel continually perplexed by the things they do and want to know what is happening, asking my husband to step up the wise-parenting in the situation a little more- while simultaneously experiencing personal flashbacks to when I was their age (which sadly sometimes feels like it wasn't long ago at all) and realizing that I did the same damn thing to my parents that is currently driving me nuts about the kid that isn't really "mine"....

It's enough to make me simply walk away, get a drink, or give up in surrender watching some TV show addiction on Chromecast. At the same time, I'm totally worried about what is happening, where they are, and if their stupid boyfriend is there. Etc. Etc.

In all, you learn why parents go crazy. You also feel like you shouldn't feel this freaking old. Like it's totally more unfair for you to be dealing with this right now, because just yesterday (mmkay, 10 years ago, Miss Denial) you were in college... Admit it: You totally have moments of feeling much "cooler" than this situation warrants. It's one of our out-of-place moments.

Sometimes you totally feel validated as a stepmom, though. There are some perks. There are times where your stepkids, as teens, will seek you out with friends. It is possible, and does happen, that your teen may actually realize you're the one adult to go to for certain advice. I am now the person that one of my stepdaughters steers her friends to for dealing with particular problems she knows I've experienced. It's super cool, and also something I always wanted from being a stepmom. Yeah, I idiotically always hoped that I would be a source of knowledge, wisdom, and/or solace for these young people one day.... Finally that is paying off! (Ok, for now....May not last. This one is still a young teen.)

As a church youth leader for churches in my adult life and a camp counselor before, I have always seen myself as a mentor and completely envisioned myself that way for my stepdaughters "one day." I am fairly certain I even told my husband this "plan." Hahahaha. I realize how stupid I was to have such lofty goals, when in honesty, as a stepmom in a contentious, partial custody situation, you should just hope that your stepkids show you an ounce of respect.

I'm also struggling with the fact that our stepkids don't automatically or naturally invite their friends over. This is likely to sound nuts to many of you, as I know many of you feel like there are enough kids in your house as it is, but I also envisioned being the welcoming, fun parent with the house where people hung out. We have only achieved that on a very minor level, when they have official sleepovers. Sometimes they are fine with one friend pretty much living with us for 24-72 hours, but then we're a little confused when weekend after weekend, study groups and sleepovers are at other houses on a regular basis.

We know to not take it too personally, though. 1) We had a much smaller house before (though, that didn't bother them one bit for sleepover parties), 2) No pool. Pretty common to be the cool house if you have a pool. 3) I buy healthy food. But, we have purposely bought junk food in the past to show them that inviting friends over = unhealthy time! (yay!...?) 3) Houses closer to their schools seem to be easy winners. Most kids can walk there, etc. 4) They grew up and lived primarily with a family that does not invite people over. Social time was not encouraged by their mom. Inviting people over was a special exception, with very limited time frames. So, we feel they have been basically trained to not automatically invite people over.

But, we have encouraged clearly, and it is getting better. We've have accommodated. We have very busy weekends sometimes, and will keep encouraging.   Amusingly, despite wanting our home to be welcoming to friend hangouts, I have a strange, tendency to turn semi-anti-social last minute and escape to my room with a glass (no, not bottle) of wine or errands around town. I don't know what to make of that exactly... But my husband handles it well, despite wondering why in the heck he's suddenly alone facilitating activities until midnight. (Ok, admittedly, kind of funny. Possibly subconscious payback? Stepmom indirect practical joke?)

Anyways, this territory is interesting. I'm waiting for the studies on it.