The (step)Teenaged Years

Things have changed over the years.

A lot less drama overall. Why is that?

Partly because our kids are now a lot more independent. One can drive. She usually drives her sibling. They're doing less "activities," which means there's less stress and we have less involvement with their mom.

(Less involvement meaning: Less time sitting for hours with her in the stands at a ball game, less time fearing intimidation, less time watching my back, less anxiety attacks, less time purposely moving around fields in a way that keeps me from being mocked, glared at, or blocked.)

My s'kids are now also starting to realize that they have the ability to ignore mom, when needed, also. I have waited so long for them to be real teenagers, wiggling for independence... It's about time. It has been a relief to hear that one is giving equal, and and maybe even more, amounts of grief to the other parent- finally. We have had way too many years of alienation against us, effective bullying, and continuous lying to the kids about us. Our relationship with them was repeatedly hurt by manipulation, and one seemed to truly hate us for many years (despite simultaneously clearly craving her dad's love, time, and affection).

I'm sure I wrote at some point, maybe more than once, that if you teach your kids to disrespect the other parent, one day that will backfire on you. Well, that has come true. I wish I could elaborate.

The teenage metamorphosis is not complete, though. They still definitely fear their mom. They fear upsetting her, and although both are old enough to be given the time share they want, they are not willing to be even a few minutes late when returning to Mom's. We know there is a continuation of control going on, and not in a way that would be healthy for teenagers- as it is only against another parent, the target. It's very sad to me that an-almost-adult is not able to choose when she comes over or leaves her own dad's house and cannot see our side of the family when she wants to. It's of course also sad that they are not being listened to, but we don't think they are even being asked or considered. Can't say that your kids requested something if you refuse to hear it or have scared them enough to know that broaching the subject isn't even possible without fearing a number of frightening reactions.

I know that a lot of stepmoms, and regular parents, struggle with the tough teenaged years. It is a bit confusing, but it has ultimately been nice for us. It's a little bit scary for us to not know what the rules are at the other house and watch a daughter walk out the door on her own accord, with her own vehicle, to a supposed location...But she seems happier, and both are doing very well with friends. We would prefer they flourish than remain under complete parental control...And they appreciate this greatly now. (We tried to show them that we greatly supported them, more so than the other household, in social activities before, but I guess the realization/truth didn't really ever stick...)

I wasn't convinced that the teenaged years would work out for us. I have met plenty of stepmoms who have had a worst time during this time period, especially when kids are still strongly manipulated. So whenever someone told me they would grow up and be more independent in high school, I had very valid doubts.
I have also been lucky to not endure what more and more stepmoms are enduring:

1. Got married. Kids were somewhere far away- Saw them for holidays, but they lived with mom.
2. During or right after the honeymoon, teens with major behavioral/drug/legal problems simply dropped off at Dad's.
3. Suddenly, you're a warden mom to teens with loads of problems that your new husband doesn't know how to deal with because he hasn't been their actual parent in many, many years. 

Yeah, that's real. It's entirely possible I would have handled that situation better than having sudden-children, but it obviously would be a massive strain on a brand new marriage. (understatement) I watched as these poor ladies tore their hair out week after week, coming up with new battle action plans for dealing with drug use in the home, sex in the house, kids dropping out of school. 

Yeah, some of you are now happy you started out with toddlers now, aren't ya? 

The Idiocy of "Vacation" "Requests"

States, courts, and mediators differ on what they dole out to unsuspecting parents.

When you are forced to go to court, you will be given a dictate that both parents are supposed to follow on how to "share" parenting of your children. They can sometimes be ridiculous. Our case has one of "those."

(Clarification: We have no choice. The absence of an order would mean their dad would have never been allowed to see the kids, so court slightly guarantees that possibility.)

We've experienced years of confusion from family, friends, and school employees about our custodial schedule. At one point, I made a calendar that family could check and refer to, but I don't think it helped... I am the only one still using it, to figure out our own schedule and plan based on when the s'kids are with us.

The schedule was worse many years ago, when my s'kids were young. One child had an extracurricular activity that eventually the court realized was (specifically) detrimental to dad, and the solution was to then switch all weekends that that activity fell on. Interestingly, courts and mediators maintain that they like to make decisions best for kids, but in that decision, both kids suffered. There were entire months where the (young) kids were unable to see their dad. They had nightmares, fears, and asked to keep his shirts with them. The youngest had a very difficult time understanding when she would see her dad, stressing and worrying like she would never see him at all.

Now, our schedule is a lot more straightforward and hasn't changed much. We have Every Other Weekend (EOW) and Tuesday & Thursday nights for 2 hour "dinner visits." That has been maintained for 5 years, despite how pathetic it is as "joint custody." One parent maintains power and control over many decisions, and the s'kids have difficulty leaving, enjoying, working, and spending time with dad. Whoever thought 2 hours of parental time is OK must have had some prison experience and felt it was plenty. Further, as kids age, our agreement had no plan for allowing the kids flexibility. Our nearly-18-yr-old continues to follow the strict time restrictions, despite clearly not wanting to. (Can't displease mom....)

We no longer hear of many parents getting such stringent custody orders in our area, and there's been a definite clear increase of actual 50/50 splits where the kids enjoy both homes, both parents, and there isn't any one parent with more physical control or knowledge.

But there's this nice additional complication added to, at least our, custody order. "The Vacation Week." I don't know how many people have this option. There are some definite pros and cons. Here's the basic idea:

Due to the weirdness/haphazard design/inconsistent time split of their own time share agreements, mediators/courts created the concept of the Vacation Week which allows you to "request" one to four weeks of custodial time with your kids from the other parent.

If you're smart, or have been a stepmom for a bit, you've already figured out like 20 things wrong with this concept.

Benefit: 

• The ability to take a "vacation" as a vacation week takes away those pesky custodial visits with the other parent. Travel plans can actually be made!
• Some unadulterated, free, quality time with your kids. (Oh wait, blend in the requirement that the other parent can harass the kids every other day and make them feel guilty for having fun with Dad.)
• The decreased likelihood that someone (with more custody most likely) will simply blow off the other parent for unapproved vacations
• A formalization of a process for travel
• Later we started to adapt vacation weeks for during the school year, so we could actually get a clue as to the daily life of the kids and show them that things are just fine at our house on weekdays, as well- in direct contrast to the development of unsubstantiated concerns. 
• Family can visit and you don't have terribly miserable custody exchanges in-between -which ultimately scared off our family members here and there, as it was upsetting to them or meant that they would have to see my husband's ex, who treated them rather poorly. (understatement)

Cons:  ( <--- double meaning!)

• The person who has primary custodial time sees themselves as the "grantor" of vacations. They have the ability to simply deny, and keep the kids. They choose to argue "requests" for vacation for the most minimal reasons, and couldn't care less that you had a family wedding or other event to take the kids to. It is not their concern that you happen to not have the kids, like she does. 
• The use of the word "request." Request implies that the built-in option of vacation weeks is up to the whim of the person who holds primary custody. 
• To deal with this, the mediator(s) wrote in that the parents switch off on "priority" years. I don't think this has had an iota of effect on the above. 
• Further, the person with primary custody seems to think that "he" requests from "her," but she just simply gets what she says she's doing. The few times that my husband had legitimate reasons to deny a vacation week, she simply ignored that. And, there it is. 
• In our order, the parent is supposed to request the vacation week one month in advance. You won't be surprised by this: 
• My husband sends the requests 1 month in advance, and occasionally (but rarely) he's been a few days into that 1 month. 
• She notifies him anytime within that 1 month, including days before. Most often? One to 2 weeks before. She doesn't have to plan very much in order to simply keep the kids a few extra hours during the week, does she?
• The few times my husband sent his request a few days into the month, he's been scolded and treated like she's giving him a huge favor by even considering his late request.
• When angry, she simply abuses her ability to deny the request. She also has used it more than once to keep the kids from extended family visits, despite lacking plans of her own. She is fully aware that we see family far away around the holidays, and one year she made sure it was not possible. In other years, she made sure it was a truncated, painful trip. We drove all day and night, stayed one day, and turned around and went back. I'm sure she enjoyed that power.

Recommendations:

First of all, I'm not sure that the vacation concept entirely makes sense. I understand the intent, but I don't know that it achieves that. 

To make ours a better agreement, as is, I would add these factors: 

1. Vacation weeks are guaranteed for the noncustodial parent. You get 4. You are allowed 4. You will keep 4. You will not be denied if you need them and the other person doesn't have actual plans. 
1. The person claiming to have actual plans must have as-substantial plans, paid for, and proof. Can't just say "we were going to do something one day..." when the other person has week-long plans with family.
2. The person with less physical custody time always has priority. End of story. 
1. The person with primary physical time ALREADY has priority, automatically, every other day of the year. Let this be the one case where the other parent gets to have a sliver authority.
2. I have friends that have it the other way around, and the Dad does interfere with plans the family has made, but I still agree with this concept despite that. The primary family does get to be with the kids every other day of the year and make plans, so they can lose the occasional week of control. (That being said, it would help if the Dad actually cared about their sports and activities that they love, though....He could simply communicate and ask when they're busy and not busy, when are important weeks for their sports and when aren't, you know?)
3. Teenagers over a certain age (15? 16?) get a say on their vacation weeks. They may choose to take more vacation weeks with the other parent, if desired. They can choose to take vacation weeks to see family, on their own. They can also extend vacation weeks and supersede typical arrangements, when not in school. 
4. More than 4 is possible. It does not have to be limited to 4.
1. Simply stating that is necessary for the overly-restrictive custodial parent who still doesn't get that the parents have the ability, as adults, to make their own decisions together above and beyond the court order. 
5. Someone not using 4 vacation weeks does not "not care" about the kids or the vacation weeks. Work and life situations just may have been too much that particular year. 
1. This argument would not be allowed to be made. Vacation weeks are an option and don't prove anything if not used. 
6. The non-custodial parent, if has family traditions with extended family, will have those weeks built in, guaranteed, and never argued with. 
1. In our case, that would be one guaranteed week after Christmas during the school break, and one guaranteed week in summer. The non-custodial parent still gets a ton of time before Christmas and time following or before the 1 week of travel, and is therefore not cut out from having time with the kids for the holiday. Furthermore, she does not have any established family plans, trips, or traditions at that time. Her family all lives in the same town...And she has never chosen to take a trip during that time. The one time that she completely refused  

I think in the end, I would throw out the concept. Or, I would make it simple: that the noncustodial parent has the right to take "vacations" of under 1 week, 1 week, or 2 weeks, for any important family reason or trip, including holidays. This would cover funerals, weddings, births, holidays, etc. Built-in, guaranteed time is necessary, and it would be smarter if it was guaranteed each summer or holiday, instead. 

It would also be better to allow the noncustodial parent every other 3 day weekend or no-school holiday, if desired. It truly drives us nuts that certain years, just based on the schedule, we lose all 3 day holidays and can't take the kids to see family during the year. It also has been difficult to know that we were off, while the kids sat at home doing nothing or being babysat. We would have absolutely enjoyed a day at a theme park or something, while their mom worked. 

I also believe that the noncustodial parent should have the right to switch weekends if there is a family event. This has not been possible for us, as the skids mom refuses to switch dates for our family events...She only switches weeks or weekends if she has a reason. (There was only one exception to this in 9 years.)

Feel free to share your ideas on how to "reform" the "vacation" system... 

And get the word out: It's stupid, and not working. 

Choosing Wisely

I have heard and seen over the years people and kids advise divorcing parents to "Consider the kids in choosing your next spouse."

It is somewhat obvious advice, but it's a whole lot more complicated than that -and I am witnessing the baggage connected to that belief lead to many second divorces later. Here's why:

As an adult, you fall in love with who you fall in love with. Hopefully you are also wise, logical, and have some general child development or psychology knowledge in your background and carefully introduce your kids to your new girlfriend or boyfriend. Hopefully you are also sane and can tell the difference between an abuser and a well-balanced person...But we aren't all so lucky. In fact, increasingly I hear that a lot of the modern first marriages end due to some pretty major mental illness that came out post-marriage... It happens. You don't always know, and mental illness can grow stronger over time. Abuse also can materialize later and be hidden for some time.

That being said, let's focus on the more average remarriage. I also tend to focus on the father-stepmom relationships, but you could interchange some of that here. In particular though, what I will write will pertain primarily to the dad-stepmom family dynamic.

Dad is warned by family to choose his next wife wisely. The family may even argue with him, expressing concern that his fiance is not good enough for the kids. He may be advised to pick only someone that his kids "like."

This is a wholly problematic qualification that my/our situation illustrates well:

We've had some major difficulties in our family, but most of it stemmed from external pressures. My husband literally saw how much his daughters LOVED me. They absolutely did. They wanted to spend time with me, clung to me, begged me to stay, followed me around, wanted to wear my clothes, walked around in my (huge) shoes, etc. etc. I struggled a little more to adjust to kids in my life, but they did not struggle with my presence.

Every now and then, these many years later, I do remember when my oldest stepdaughter was so attached to me I was wondering if I could go to the bathroom alone. She would lean her head on me, play with my hair, and even cuddle. (Yes, they also got upset if I made vegetables or something, but those moments were rather few and far in-between pre-marriage.)

It's been so many difficult years since then that I nearly forget. But that's what my husband saw: He absolutely wanted his kids to be happy, was joyful that they loved me like he did, and he had complete faith in my ability to be a fantastic stepmom to his kids.

And then their mom learned of the wedding date.

I could probably stop writing this post right there. Many of you don't need me to go further.

It was a major turning point. There were still moments where my oldest stepdaughter would beg me to play with her, especially when we were at playgrounds. We still had some good moments, but our relationship became strained more and more as the time progressed. My husband, though, had complete faith in me (poor man) and had seen his kids love me, and figured it would pass.

I am so fortunate, though. My husband is also a very logical man who knew that his daughters were being poisoned and that they did care for me, or at least value me, despite all the junk that got in the way. He saw value in me, and knew that I added value to their lives. He figured, or hoped, or knew that we would all get through it, and he has always believed that my presence in their lives was better for it.

He also has seen me struggle in this role, and he knows that I've changed. He may not like all of the changes or things that have happened, but he understands it. He knows me, and he knows what I've been through. He knows that this has not been easy (massive understatement).

On the flipside, many of the stepmoms I read about, talk to, and hear from are now divorcing. Their husbands do not have the same outlook that my husband has, and they have decided that the kids are unhappy, so they must have made a wrong decision. If my husband had based our marriage on his kids' happiness, we would have annulled our marriage pretty quickly.

It may sound trite, but yes, many stepmoms are faced with a husband who simply gives up on her based on the logic that he must have made a wrong decision now that the kids are unhappy. The stepmom/wife argues that she has sacrificed so much, given so much, given her life, as a matter of fact. She states her case, that she loves him and them and has worked so hard to be a part of the family. Ok, well if she doesn't love the kids, she does love him, and has tried her hardest. She has tried different things, different modes, different tacts. She has worked with him, for him, and for them.

But in response, her husband says, "Well, they don't like you, so I won't keep you." And gives her a move-out date. (I am still not exaggerating.)

Divorce is horrible. The choice to give up on your second wife teaches your kids the opposite of how to be married- or be an adult. You are not making things right in your second attempt; instead you are teaching them that they decide your happiness.

Kids, especially teenagers, are in developmental stages that need consistency- not another meaningful adult thrown out of their lives. Now, THAT, is common sense...supported by research. Kids will change, their moods vary, and if you were still married to your original spouse, they wouldn't be happy all the time, either. They go through moods, years of emotional nuttiness (generally referred to as hormones), and stages of independence. Their happiness will vary, and it isn't caused by just one person in their lives. (Think of all the causes of kid/teen-unhappiness: friends, school, coaches, teachers, lack of a thing, where they live, siblings, wishing they were someone else, boyfriends, girlfriends-or the lack thereof...Come on!)

I would like to also note that the women facing this are not the women that have asked to remove themselves, stepback, and be less involved. These are women that worked their asses off to please their husbands, their stepkids, and be a true parent. Maybe they didn't do it perfectly, because they have such a weird role to fill, but they damn-well gave it their all.

But not all men know what parenting is, and unfortunately, in the second marriage with kids, they have an upper hand. They see it as they "chose" their second wife and brought her in, but usually they did very little work to actually acclimate her, or the kids, to each other. They assumed everything would work out, their new wife would automatically love the kids as much as he does, and many times more than not, the husband also assumes, for some reason, that his new wife will also be the kids' new caretaker- sans authority or proper integration.

It's beyond disheartening. I watched an amazing, strong woman breaking after nearly a decade of pouring her life (and all her money) into a family that did like her, but suddenly her husband decided they just didn't like her enough. They didn't want "her" rules anymore. Bizarre, as the husband and wife should play a mutual, cooperative role in parenting and establishment of rules. It's not "her" rules versus yours. Wait- did you have any?

IF your wife, your second (or third...) wife makes rules you don't like or parents in ways you don't like- WHERE ARE YOU? Where's your part? At what point did you step out of the parenting role and let your new spouse step in? (Usually a stepmom steps in when the chaos is suffocating her...) It takes two, no matter what your issue is. If your wife is stepparenting in a way that you disagree with, why did you let it get this far? If you're the biological parent, you should have helped her or worked with her or at least had some normal planning and parenting discussions before you got to the point of "disapproving" of her.

Many, or most, created our parenting in a void. Stepmothering is a specifically bizarre role to play, and there's a lot of literature out there about how you are automatically at a massive disadvantage if you are a stepmother versus a stepfather. It is a very complicated family role, and our modern generation of stepmoms are all working to figure it out in hundreds of blogs, many new books, and a load of online communities.

In the meantime, your own family has to work together- and the biological parent has all the power. So, step up and shape your family; don't throw out a member of it because it's not perfect. Design the role that your wife will play as a parent, making it clear what will and won't happen with and from the kids. This is a two-sided planning process, involving the integration of an adult, who is not a moron and came with their own concepts of childrearing, parenting, and family history, and kids who have their own set of underdeveloped, preconceived notions- and a choir of other family members feeding them their notions. As the husband and parent, you have to lead and guide and not just watch things crumble and then lament your failed experiment. 

If you are married, you are partners. And if this second marriage has failed your kids, you let it fail your kids. In order to achieve that, you failed your partner first.

Stepmom Meme

A Facebook goodie! 

What are the copyrights on these, btw....

Here- this one will counteract that one:

=D

12 Ways to be the Meanest...

Oh man! Just relabel this one "12 Ways to be the Meanest StepMom in the World"!

"12 Ways to be the Meanest Mom in the World" by Megan Wallgren [Hey Megan, kudos to you!]

The reason I find these kinds of articles "funny" is that I know that doing these fairly typical parenting things made me seem quite evil to my s'kids, and every stepmom knows what I'm talking about! I completely agree with the author, but you are particularly hated if you try to employ just regular parenting techniques you thought everyone knew about... But because I was in my 20s, the second wife, and not the real mom...Whoa doggies. It was like I was coming from the Gingerbread House for really normal stuff.

But no, in the divorce world, parents are often bending over backwards to maintain favor, so you're damn evil if you do something presented in that very normal article! Or, some see it as: If you're a stepmom, you're not allowed to parent, even if the kids are with you an inordinate amount of time. We know the catch-22 in that one and often err on the side of more-important caution though, understanding that if we don't parent with some standards, we get written up in the next court custody order as an endangerment to the children! (As such, I maintain standards that will keep me out of any false claims that I "don't care" and don't provide.)

Ladies, keep your standards. You DO know the difference between right, wrong, and spoiled. You will help your s'kids learn things that their parents maybe can't because they're too emotionally conflicted. But, do try to do that horrible balancing act...Pick your battles, if you will. Your marriage comes first. Keeping your husband and your house out of a court write-up is a part of that. ;-p

Great Expectations and Mislabeling

I wrote this a while ago. I don't know that it describes me now, but it sure is worthwhile.

We try too hard. Every book and article claims that a stepmom's goal is to be....A friend. A back-up Mom that is happy to take no credit. Like an Aunt. A mentor. A role model.

What if you don't want to be either? That's where I'm at. I've been OK with the other mother role, or I was when the kids were younger. Probably most of the time, I wish I wasn't anything, though. I don't necessarily want to be their friend...I was once and in our situation, being "friends" is setting myself up for being punched in the gut repeatedly.

Why is that supposed to be our stepmom goal? Can we come up with smaller, more attainable goals that we can actual feel some accomplishment and progress over?

How about.... get through the day without losing it? Handle depression? Make it to a therapist, maybe with your husband, regularly? Get through just one good meal a week with the kids?

I'm just sayin. If you're in the situation of a struggling stepmom, trying to figure out who you are in all of this, it doesn't help much to throw out lofty titles that aren't realistic at that moment in time.

Stepmoms: Don't be focused on that. Don't read an article and think "Oh! I will be a mentor then!" and then try it out and find out that that failed, too. It will be something that will take shape over time, but if you're in chaos, confusion, frustrating, depression, and near hell... Those lofty goals are just too much to think about. Even positive labels can be hurtful. (See #socialPsych #childdevelopment)

Focus on the little things. Rejoice in any accomplishment whatsover, like, "Today, I didn't want to toss the teenager out of the house!" Or, maybe something even smaller: "Today, my stepdaughter made me laugh."

And sometimes, stop trying. Sometimes, when you're going in circles, you can't find your footing, you really don't know your role here- Step away for a while. Take a break. Go hang with friends. Schedule time with your "original" family. Just step away, because your role will work itself out over time or after the kids age a bit or when other life circumstances change. I'm not saying, "It will all work out great!" I'm just saying that you'll find your groove, your fit, your spot, your rhythm eventually. Screw the titles or expectations others, or you, put on yourself.

Establish a Mission

It's an honor to see that my blog is read every day despite the fact that I haven't posted in months. I apologize for being so behind, so writer-blocked.

I get ideas for articles to post all the time, but I have not had the time. I also continue to self-censor, a lot. I also second-guess and doubt myself plenty, and I have been rather distracted from normal life by major life events.

I also try to only write about things that really strike me as unique, especially if I have a contradiction to the stepmom articles, lit, and messaging I see proliferating the Interwebs. I like to write on society's hypocritical beliefs of stepmoms, divorced dads, and parenting and share stories from others that illustrate the opposite of what I hear or read. I want to shed light on the misunderstandings, misconceptions, and myths of stepmothering and the bogus concept of a "blended" family. I will never be surface level, and I will always get in deep.

Don't expect anything less, and I will never give you fluff.

Mother's Day Recap

For the first time in 7 years, I received Happy Mother's Day texts from my stepdaughters. They also gave me a nice card and repressed general complaints and moodiness on Saturday, the day before. It was a nice weekend. I am happy to report that I no longer get to say, "I have never heard from them on Mother's Day."

So, I wanted to comment on some of the happenings I witnessed around me.

I noticed a general trend of Dad's not caring a bit about honoring their wives on Mother's Day, or helping the kids to honor their mom. I heard a number of stories that embodied the, "What? You're not my mom," logic.

I find this highly ironic, as MANY stepmoms help their stepkids honor their mom, no matter the poor relationship between them. Not only should a stepmom probably not bother, but they do it despite their own deep hurt and tears. Wow.

That is not me. But I have read many-a-post from hundreds of stepmoms who do this every year, and then fret when the kids are teens and don't care about doing something for their moms! They question what they should do, if they should force the teen to do something or just let it be...Amazing!

Why would they do this? Because they feel it is the right thing to do. They feel that it is just right to teach kids how to honor their parent. I believe I would likely feel that way as well, if the kids weren't with their mom 70% or if she hadn't poisoned my life. It seems like a lot of the stepmoms help their kids do something for their moms when they have more custody or have a civil relationship, or even slightly-less-than-civil relationship with the mom.

Back to Dads: In one case, the young teen daughter was pissed because Dad wouldn't help her pay for a gift for mom (who is also a stepmom). In another case, one of the stepkids (also a teen daughter) went ahead and expressed gratefulness to her stepmom even though her dad wasn't willing to do anything for her. So, although these husbands kind of suck, at least two kids (young teens, both) saw past it. That gives me hope for those of you that don't receive any recognition, or just a mention, for your work, dedication, and love, even if you're husband doesn't "get it."

I also saw an increase in Stepmoms sharing super positive messages with each other late Saturday and early Sunday. Talk about bolstering the troops! Thank you, active meme-posting, ultra-positive stepmoms out there who were battling the feeling of defeat before it could sink in!

I loved the messages of "whether recognized or not, you are a mom." I liked one particular post where a woman described her night of cleaning up puke at 2am and stated there's no way anyone could say she's not a mom after her night! Damn straight! I like this path we're headed down as a group. I see a stronger voice among us, finally, stating that not all stepmoms are secondary and to accept your misery. F that.

I also saw an increase of the inclusion of moms of all sorts from kids. Very good. Maybe there is a growing acceptance. (Or am I just being a bit naive since I heard from my s'kids this year?)

I am very aware that I am a secondary mom, unlike many stepmoms who are actually the primary!
And if I am not a mom, then I am a parent- and both of my stepkids do know that. Our house would not be functional without that basic level of role acceptance.
If you can't bare to call me a mom, then the only other appropriate term to describe who I am to them is "advocate." I am not "like an aunt," which I hear many people advise us to be. I am not just an adult. I am much more than another person in their lives. I do know them better than anyone else, other than their parents. I do not put myself ahead of their mom (because she's scary) but I do advocate on their behalf sometimes in direct contrast to mom. You can consider that wrong, but I've been thanked by the kids for the times where I made something happen for them that wouldn't have otherwise. That's enough for me to know.

Remember being super angry at your parents or wishing you could pick other parents? Most of us, probably 99%, had those kid or teenaged moments. If you felt ignored by your parents at times, or like they didn't get you, I get the benefit of sometimes being the person who steps in. I mostly belong in the general-parent pile, and the typical youth angst is easily directed at me, but in other times, I see where the "regular" parents may be missing something. Simple day-to-day example: When one kid is doing something that both parents want to see or are required to attend, but the other kid is just dying to do something else or needs more time for homework...I can make the something else happen. I don't do it out of request from my husband...He is usually focused on what he needs to do. I see it coming and ask if I can take the other one to what they want to do. In other times, there are more important things for me to step up to and advocate for. Through years of reading up on rights and trying different angles, I am considered a parent in most official capacities and therefore can make things happen. (If you need tips, message me!)

I'm proud to have filled the occasional gap. That's my most important role in their lives.

I hope your Mother's Day went well. If not, I hope you have a little vacation for yourself planned soon or some girlfriends who sent you love. Now, forget about it until it sneaks up on us next year!